topic first post - not a new member in Welcome and orientation

first post - not a new member

thomas1029609 — Tue, 10 May 2016 05:07:20 GMT

I signed up late last year and just finding the courage to say hi

well the short story been on medication and going to counselling for almost a year with a few ups and downs, my life lately has changed with a fair few positives from buying my own house to meeting an awesome partner and now with a 10 week old baby. i still some days feel why? and what am i doing? what am i doing wrong?

I also sometimes feel the counselling isn't working and just a lot of telling me what i should do not helping with the situation like the empty advice my mum would give when i was a child (just be happy and it will be ok).

however my job well today had a surprise performance review and well made me feel like just wanting to walk out the door and quit. i had issues over the last 2 years and about 12 months ago got worse. the managers comment how they "saved me" and convinced a client to keep me, along with past issues etc and interview feedback from a prospective client.

i know i need to get out of my job and i feel im only just hanging on at present, iv applied for some jobs and had some interviews but my struggle is when already feeling depressed and down to be the bubbly, enthusiastic, confident and ....i look at those words in the job description and feel how?

thanks for reading

first post - not a new member

blondguy — Tue, 10 May 2016 06:53:03 GMT

Hello Thomas

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community

You have great strength and self awareness by posting and thanks too!

Firstly congrats to you for having seen a health professional and taking the action you have and especially on the birth of your new son. You have an awesome partner and buying a house too! I know you have worked hard for your success.

The counselling should be working considering the time (and effort) you have taken to attend. I understand where you are coming from as I have had anxiety and depression for many years and it took me about 3 tries to find a therapist that I could 'click' with. Empty advice is not something that you are after...especially if you are having more 'down' days than you usually do. If I may ask you....has your therapist ever had you in a position where you have had a good vent or even cry? This is always a sign that the therapy is working well.

I have been in senior corporate roles for many years up to January this year. 'Performance Reviews' is an interesting term on its own. In any performance based role nowadays there are high expectations even to the point of over dramatizing any slight drop in figures/output etc so you can try to achieve the impossible. Management always set the bar higher than what we can really achieve to maximize the revenue which in turn they benefit from either as a senior manager or company director.

Translation......You and your family come first....you come across as an achiever that does his very best. Those ads you read with the usual blurb about 'bubbly' 'confident' etc are just a sales pitch to get the best person they can to achieve the goals they 'expect'.......

My first acute anxiety attack was in 1983 when I was 23 and I have been working in a similar environment(s) since. I just read the 'Human Resources' adverts and applied even with depression and most of the time succeeded in getting the position even with depression and low self esteem....It is a pain...but can be done

Having any degree of depression is no different to having a physical illness whether diabetes or heart disease.

If you can use the courage you have by posting here and you are contented working in your current market/position please keep applying.

My Kindest Thoughts go out to you and your Family Thomas 🙂 Congratulations again to You!

Please do post back...I will keep an eye on your new thread.

Paul

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Pabs — Sat, 14 May 2016 06:25:16 GMT

Hi Thomas,

I am new here too and I just read your post which really resonated with me and thought I would say hello.

I work in a fairly senior role within an organization and I believed that this is all I ever wanted until this year after my dad passed away when I am now questioning whether the money and success is really worth it. I now find my self becoming anxious at work having to be responsible for a team of people and working with processes and company culture which I do not agree with and tend to want to walk out most days as I can't understand why the organization can't simply change these things for the better of its workers. There is nothing worse than been extremely ambitious in a career only to have your peers and senior managers not see the value of what you can bring. Unfortunately this is an issue in so many companies but I feel that as new generations come into play this will change but it's not going to be a quick fix.

On Wednesday I became so anxious I left the office and said I was going to 'a meeting' only to find my self at home in a spiral of depression wishing I never had to go back. I then drank my self into oblivion and called in sick the following day (this is definately not advisable).

ive now had a good think and made a plan that I will look to change direction either by finding a more suitable organization which is happy to make changes and grabs hold of new thinking or look at a completely new career which it ultimately something I enjoy but with very little money as a reward. The second option looking more and more appealing!

My advice to you would be to take a look at all the great things you have. You sound like you already have much success you should concentrate on that. Work is only a job at the end of the day and every place you work in is different - it's just a lottery finding the right one!

Good luck

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blondguy — Sat, 14 May 2016 17:58:30 GMT

(sorry Thomas for butting in your thread)

Hello Pabs...My name is Paul and I just read your post to Thomas....

I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your dad. I dont know what that feels like as I have both parents.

If you get this post I would would like to quote something you said that was so very very true....;

"I am now questioning whether the money and success is really worth it"

Well said Pabs...and I agree with you...it isnt.

Kind Thoughts for You

Paul

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thomas1029609 — Mon, 16 May 2016 04:36:46 GMT

Hi Paul i have read and re-read your post over and over, Pabs I'm sorry about your loss.

well i know iv always been shy and lacked confidence even when at school had days I just never wanted to get up. since then had a variety of jobs and at one point having a full time job and a issue with another employee and a bit of bulling and no confidence to stand up for my self went and quit that job. after a few years of causal work and then study I got this job through someone in my class. its not a senior roll (sort of helpdesk) and (im 34) and well i sometimes feel like i just fell into it straight from study (i dident have much idea or plan what i wanted, plus i dident get into IT for the money i was hoping something satisfying and rewarding with cool technology). I now feel iv made a mistake career wise and not sure what way to go and that my personality and confidence is what holds me back.

due to the way things work im starting to feel anything i do is wrong and i dont know where i stand and i get conflicting instructions and people just standing on my toes and i get pushed back out of the way. since the issues last year a bit of bullying and feeling i was not part of the team and they were trying to push me out part my own fault i would get to work late and not want to be there (who want want to work somewhere when they are made to feel they are not welcome) and well lead to getting a warning (and my company not listening to my side of the story but only the client) but good thing i was moved from that client. though the hard bit has been trying to pick myself back up, the confidence is getting worse and when no one listens to my input and especially since i work in IT and providing solutions ...ect and now the anxiety its all starting to cause

ok enough rambling from me for now

first post - not a new member

blondguy — Mon, 16 May 2016 23:46:46 GMT

Hi Thomas

I do understand your feelings especially on self-esteem or self confidence being low. If you stay in a work environment that is negative in nature sooner or later it will have a detrimental effect on you..anxiety..lack of sleep...

I dont see any problems where your personality is concerned Thomas. You are a kind, caring person who is also a good communicator too....You are lucky as you are young (34) and work in IT. I am 56 and was made redundant in January this year.

Anxiety even being an awful set of symptoms are common. When I feel really dark with my depression I have a fortnightly visit with my GP/Therpist who gives my confidence a boost and makes me feel better.

How often do you see your doc? I know you mentioned that its not working as well as you wish. Low self confidence/esteem should be very treatable Thomas..especially with having job issues and a wonderful new 10 week old baby!

If I may quote something you said above "now feel iv made a mistake career wise and not sure what way to go and that my personality and confidence is what holds me back"

That confidence issue can be treated Thomas. That much I do know....having a good therapist is like having a good 'coach' in sport...Please let me know your thoughts on this and what you wish to do.

You never ramble Thomas...Its great to talk to you....:-)

Kind Thoughts for You

Paul

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thomas1029609 — Mon, 16 May 2016 23:53:52 GMT

Thanks

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thomas1029609 — Thu, 19 May 2016 01:35:08 GMT

well a lot to think about and consider as iv got a therapist appointment tonight ill need to discuss more frequent appointments then stretching them out to ever 6 weeks as its not helping in resolving these issues and trying to address my confidence and anxiety

well iv been thinking bout where i am with work and trying to focus when it seams everything in my head is cloudy and being told i need to fix "all this" and that its something only "i can fix" makes me wonder when its all fixed has the damage been done, and will employers and clients relationships be able to be mended and all be water under the bridge or as long as i stay at my current employer those things will continue to be the way they will perceive their opinion of me and my work

thanks for the help and advice

first post - not a new member

blondguy — Thu, 19 May 2016 22:27:59 GMT

Hi Thomas, no worries at all 🙂

If your therapist isnt working as well as you wish I dont blame you for rescheduling the appointments.

What you said about water under the bridge is right. Looking through the windshield and not the rear view mirror is always easy to say but with practice does work.

You are a smart and caring person Thomas.

Here for you

Paul

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white knight — Thu, 19 May 2016 23:08:15 GMT

Hi Thomas. Glad you have posted

Some great posts have been issued already here.

Can I give you some reading? Google these

Topic: bullying- beyondblue

Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue

Topic: depression and sensitivity, a connection?- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Cheers

Tony WK

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thomas1029609 — Wed, 25 May 2016 01:47:33 GMT

Thanks for the support and the additional reading

been slowly going through the reading, feel iv got alot on my plate at present and little motivation and lack of energy, to add to it all the manager has put it with a deadline the client wants someone else to replace me and they are not going to bother fixing the situation. they also havent any other work in the company so plan to reduce me to part time, then once that happens feel they will reduce my hours or other clients as they wont need me to work a full week.

that said its making me feel i dont want to stay its hard to be motivated and makes it difficult to go into work guns blazing, show confidence and be happy and cheerful and earn back their trust when you know the people your working for dont want you there

as for the job search its not been very successful, doubting myself and what i should be applying for or that i dont have what they want

got a appointment with the therapist again sooner than the original scheduled one so that is good and spent the last one just listening to all the latest issues so hopefully getting on track

thanks

first post - not a new member

blondguy — Wed, 25 May 2016 04:53:08 GMT

Hey Thomas

Thanks for posting back!

If it was me I would have trouble going in with guns blazing when you have zero support from management too.

Excellent work getting that appointment moved closer by the way:-)

How is the anxiety going? (if thats okay to ask, of course)

Kind Thoughts

Paul

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thomas1029609 — Thu, 26 May 2016 01:35:03 GMT

hey

yeah not going to well with the anxiety and the stress and the depression and the knowing they are not going to help resolve it and going through the steps to get rid of me with a mortgage and family to support. i feel im stuck against a wall with the looking and applying for jobs and thats not helping

other then the therapist are there any suggestions on places or things that can help with the confidence building and not letting others walk all over me and that will assist with interview skills (im in melbourne)

thanks for the support

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thomas1029609 — Fri, 27 May 2016 04:10:14 GMT

just wanted to chat and well vent my morning i feel has not been to good felt like punching someone two times i was asked a question and i gave them an answer to resolve it and things to try and test (i work in IT and its what im qualified to do) then to be told need to find someone else to sort it out .... thinking im right here and just told you....

well i know my time here is limited and well i want to get out ... im got an appointment to speak to my doctor as it hurts me and i know im hurting my partner i have issues at work then i get frustrated with her for little things

well im at work ment to be working but lacking any motivation to and well almost about to cry.... i just saw a courier come to reception with a smile on his face and deliver some flowers and put them on the desk and walk off and all the happy office ladies seeing them smile and thanking him .... made me feel like what am i missing

thanks for reading

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blondguy — Fri, 27 May 2016 04:32:20 GMT

Hey Thomas

No worries at all...always good to hear from you. I have been in the same position with an employer...Its like you are 'invisible' I like yourself had to get out. It does sound like an unfriendly work environment.

You have done well making the appointment to see your doc...Excellent. You are also aware that you dont want your partner to be effected too...You have a healthy attitude Thomas...

You deserve better treatment as you care so much about your job. It is a shame that your contribution is not being reciprocated by senior staff.

Im glad you have posted...and have said what is on your mind...

I hope you have some peace soon

Paul

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Gruffudd — Sat, 28 May 2016 01:26:56 GMT

Hi Thomas,

My turn to say welcome. I'm glad of both that you were there reading and now have decided to post something. I know that feeling of being unhappy at work and seeing others who are apparently enjoying themselves - I think it makes the feelings worse for me when I see that. It did get better for me, like your psych said, I had to build myself up, which meant that I had to be a priority and if work wasn't perfect as a result that was just going to have to do for a while - a rebalancing if you like. Then I was a bit happier and got a new job when I could be judged on a good day. You mention the courier and I think back, I was very happy working as a tram driver and as a delivery boy before doing what I am now qualified for. The pay wasn't much different either - so they might be options if I need to shift again.

Its the weekend. What do you like doing when you are not at work? I'm thinking of taking the car up into the hills for a walk and a picnic with the sheep.

Rob.

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thomas1029609 — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 06:23:35 GMT

well a bit of an update, it hasn't been to wonderful a few appointments and days off work and the doctor decided to change to a different medication as was not helping with the anxiety I'm now in the process of going off one 😞 ... Well the hard bit is knowing I need to find a new job but with the anxiety iv had two interviews and I then worry to much and talk myself out of it so much I dont end up going .... Doesn't help the situation

well just have to wait till I'm on the new medication and things pick up

thanks