topic Starting over at 51 in Welcome and orientation

Starting over at 51

Jafar the Barmecide — Fri, 18 Mar 2022 15:51:49 GMT

Ok, this is take 2 of my first post, I was wisely advised to edit it as I probably gave too much detail and risked doxxing myself and went into triggering territory so here is the revised post-

Sometime ago (redacted to summarise) I had legal issues, and as a result I lost my job, my car, my license, the respect of my family, friends and colleagues, my dignity, my house and eventually, my freedom. I was in a dark place, that is allI can probably say

The journey from there to where I am now is why I am here. I have been through a hell of a lot more than 2500 characters can describe and there is still a long way to go. I am now homeless and unemployed with a conviction that is proving to be a barrier to progress. I have to start over, I have to find a reason to live, some spark that gets me up in the morning. If I can get myself through this, I will be well placed to help others who find themselves starting over, whether they have just been released from prison or newly sober and commited to remaining that way or need help navigating the courts and justice department, I now have experience to share in all these areas and if that can make a difference in even one person's life, then I have found my spark, my reason to live.

My goal is to get to a place where I am comfortable enough to turn around and reach out to people on the same path, learning how to use the systems and services put in place to help people in the most effective way possible by using those services. Beyond Blue is one of those services. I'm here to learn and share and try to stay focussed in the face of the daunting task of starting over at 51.

Starting over at 51

Petal22 — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 00:46:44 GMT

Hi Jafar the Barmecide,

Wellcome to our forums and thank you for your contribution.

I think that you are amazing, standing here in front of us wanting to start over and just needing some one to give you that chance to help you to move forward with your life.

I understand that having a conviction can be hard sometimes because this conviction can try to stand in your way and it’s also something that society seems to hold against people who have convictions……….. but for you to move forward you need find a loop hole a loop hole that will enable you to find employment and a home and believe me it’s there!

I believe that people who have done their time should be accepted by society to move forward from that they shouldn’t have to pay for the conviction for the remainder of their life.

It was a lesson not a life sentence.

You will get through this and you will help others…….

Someone will give you that chance just believe in yourself and your future of helping others and it will come to fruition.

Im here to chat to you

Starting over at 51

mmMekitty — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 00:57:11 GMT

Hello again, Jafa the Barmecide. 😺

Having gone through so much, losing so much along the way, still homeless & unemployed, with your future so uncertain, it's pleasing to hear you want to use your life's experiences to help guide & support others. I applaud your every effort here.

I've noted how many here have voiced a wish to find a reason to live. Your reason seems to speak of a belief that you can take the rough course of your life & imagine how this can be turned to a positive benefit for others in the community. This looks to be quite a turn around. I'd like to understand how you reached this point.

Again, welcome, Jafa the Barmecide.

mmMekitty

Starting over at 51

Jafar the Barmecide — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 02:28:10 GMT

Thankyou very much both Petal22 and mmMekitty for kind words and support.

When I say homeless, that is technically true however I am staying for a little while with friends, I am SO lucky to have had people who stood by me and supported me throughout and it was a real surprise to find out who knew there must be more to the story, and that the conviction didn't make sense without context. It is hard to talk about it without breaching any guidelines for my own safety and very hard to talk about the depths that the mind goes to without touching on trigger points- but I think on this forum many of us have been to those depths and they don’t need over explaining.

Once I had finally decided to get clean, I reached out to an organisation who specialised in alcohol and other drug (AOD) dependencies, like AA but not religious, and they referred me to a rehab clinic. I still attend both these institutions and they have been critical to my survival, this isn’t hyperbole, the support they have continued to provide me cannot be overstated.

After my release I realised the chances of a job were minimal, I had worked in one industry and had very little training outside that industry. I can’t work in that industry anymore without a police clearance (this is 12 years away, it takes ten years of no convictions after a parole period before I can apply to have the conviction spent, I’ll be 63).

An old friend of mine from my shady past, who had managed to turn her life around, reached out to me and I went to have coffee with her. She had been a drug dependent sex worker when I knew her but now, she’s working as a peer practitioner for women suffering AOD and DV issues. I was really inspired by her and realised that this was the path for me, one of the only career paths where a conviction is not a barrier, and it lit a spark in my chest. I can help other men like myself! She told me the peer industry was calling out for blokes like me.

In my time attending men’s groups, I have found that ex-cons don’t respect educated professional counsellors, they are more likely to trust men like me, someone who looks and talks like them and has a similar background. I think I can do a lot of good for these guys, help them stay out of prison, kick substance abuse and respect their wives and families. If I can make a difference for even one bloke in trouble it's gonna be worth it.

Starting over at 51

Petal22 — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 12:40:14 GMT

Hi Jafar the Barmecide,

Im glad to hear you are living with friends.

Congratulations on getting clean I understand that it takes great courage and commitment.

I think it’s absolutely fantastic that the path your friend took inspired you and “ it lit a spark in your chest” that my friend is your soul speaking to you………… follow it….. believe in yourself and keep building and believing that your dream of helping others like yourself will become your reality…………….. keep working towards it….. it really can be a reality for you.

I understand what you are saying in regards to ex cons not respecting councillors but they would trust someone more like yourself who has a lived experience of what you want to teach…. Someone like themselves but someone who can walk the talk.

I believe you can help many but you just need to find the path way forward to do this and I believe you can.

I wanted to share a couple of things with you.

Please google them and have a watch of the 4 u tube videos starting from 1 to 4.

The U tube video I’d like you to listen to is

Gangs, Jail and redemption

The second thing I’d like you to google is.. Arcofyre.

The guys that run this company are doing what you have mentioned that you would like to do.

They are mentors and have experience of being in custody.

They want to give back and help people feel that they can grow and see their self worth.

Arcofyre was established because there is a lack of support available for people who have been in prison.

No matter how bad your situation is, you can change it, through positive mindset, resilience and belief you can change your destiny. Life is what you make it , every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around.

Maybe you could even have a chat to the guys at Arcofyre to see how you could become a mentor just like them.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Starting over at 51

Amelia02 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 00:57:09 GMT

Hi Jafar,

wow! I have so much respect for you - kicking an addiction, on your way to bootstrapping yourself out of a challenging situation! Respect.

Post traumatic growth is yours for the taking. You will be a “bigger” person than you ever were before all your challenges/ learning opportunities started. With the depths you have gone you will be able to appreciate how sweet life can be all the more.

It is so great to hear that you want to help others, I think you could be a real asset to the community and a beacon.

I’m glad you have empathetic friends, you are fortunate in this.

I’m sending you love and energy to get through your next steps - you’re on a great path, no doubt with further challenges and tests too. Take care of yourself, A 💞

Starting over at 51

Ggrand — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 01:19:46 GMT

Hello Dear Jafar...

You have even through so much turmoil and trauma in your life...and you’ve come out of it with a very good and kind heart....

Your posts are very inspirational and let’s others know that with some self care, and a want for a better life...things can turn around...

You have not let your past define the person you are today..I think that you are a good person and wanting to help others here, through their hard struggles..show that you have a beautiful soul....

Thank you so much for joining this amazing community and for your want...in helping to support others here...

My kindest thoughts with my care and respect...🦋🕊🌱🧸..

Grandy...

Starting over at 51

Jafar the Barmecide — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 09:03:46 GMT

G’day everyone and thankyou for your encouragement, kind words and welcomes.

Towards reaching my goals I have enrolled in Community Services Cert III for the time being, I am looking to also enrol in Mental Health Cert IV but I would prefer to do that at TAFE. The first course is online and while that’s convenient I would prefer to interact with other students on a campus. I haven’t ever had any education beyond Year 10 and the theoretical training the Army gave me, but I am self-taught and well read. I would really like to experience a college by being there rather than watching lectures on YouTube and Academia websites.

Speaking of YouTube, I have made a note of the videos Petal22 suggested and added them to my watchlist, when I have a quiet moment alone, I will give ‘em a squizz.

This week I am going to stay at my sister’s place. She has just moved house and is keeping all my possessions until I find a place of my own. She lives with her 2 kids and Dad. Dad has been suffering from depression for more than a decade and is a shadow of his former self. He’s a Vietnam Vet and former SASR Sergeant, though you wouldn’t know it if you met him. There’s a whole other thread in itself so I won’t get carried away.

It just made me sad, when I went to visit them the last time, that my sister is run off her feet between working and the kids, she just hasn’t had a chance to get the house sorted since they moved in. That’s where I come in, the friends I am staying with are being visited by their daughter from interstate, so she needs the room during her stay. In that time, I will do my best to organise my sister’s place to a standard where it can pass their first inspection, which must be coming up soon. I plan to keep busy and sleep on the couch, hopefully leave the place squeaky clean.
Thanks again for the support and a place to think out loud, family relationship issues are probably imminent…

Starting over at 51

Mark Z. — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 10:10:57 GMT

Hi Jafar,

I'm sorry for what you've experienced, I can't imagine how hard it is for you. But I have a lot of respect for your ideas. A thought flashed through my mind, maybe you'll be interested to be a Mental Health Peer Worker?

You can consider learning this certificate, this is a journey of reviewing and understanding yourself better, and equip yourself to help others with your lived experience. Have a look here: https://www.swinburne.edu.au/study/course/Certificate-IV-in-Mental-Health-Peer-Work-CHC43515/local

Hope it'll help a bit.

Mark

Starting over at 51

Jafar the Barmecide — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 13:10:07 GMT

Gday MarkZ,

Cheers, -that is the very same course I have been looking at, not my state however but essentially that is what i intend to enrol in. I will continue the community service course until I can do that. My priority now though is trying to find accomadation, hopefully somewhere my boys can come and stay

Starting over at 51

geoff — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 13:38:47 GMT

Hello Jafar, I thought I had replied to you and if not I apologise.

You know there are many good people who have, unfortunately, been caught in something on the spur of the moment and didn't really have time to think of the consequences and truly want to redeem their bad luck.

It's the same with an alcoholic who has stopped, but been through what no one else has done, because a book can't necessarily tell you what actually happens, but an alcoholic can, so being in a group or an organisation that can explain all of this is wonderful.

Your knowledge and experience will do wonders for the site.

Good luck.

Geoff.

Starting over at 51

blondguy — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 14:33:44 GMT

Hi Jafar

You are strong.... I started on the forums back in 2016 (when I was a nervous wreck) and I didnt have the courage to post my own thread for weeks. You are always welcome

Thankyou for being a part of the forum family Jafar

my kind thoughts

Paul

Starting over at 51

Mark Z. — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 10:44:31 GMT

Yes Jafar, I've completed the course last year and I ready recommend it.

You'll find that a lot of your classmates have experienced or are experiencing a hard life, they want to heal themselves and support the others, during the journey you will get great inspiration not only by your teacher but also by them. And you will be the one who contribute a lot, which will make you feel so fulfilled. Hope you enjoy your journey.

Mark

Starting over at 51

Jafar the Barmecide — Tue, 22 Mar 2022 07:24:28 GMT

G’day Petal22, I had a look at those videos that you suggested, the Kirby bloke who started Arcofyre had a very similar background to me, I had a look at the organisation and was disappointed to see that the two bikie fellas he started Arcofyre with left over disagreements, by the looks of the stories only within months of that video being made. There doesn’t look to be any branch in my state, but I did send him an email telling him my story and goals because we got a lot in common, I’m hoping it will get off the ground.

I must get a “Working with Children” card to start this course, I am nervous about it even though there is nothing to do with children in my criminal history. I have been told not to worry; they are only looking for people who needed to go into protective custody, so I am sure there won’t be any problems, but it never feels good having someone look at your record. I better get used to it though, I gotta be upfront with every potential employer about my past however uncomfortable it is or however anxious I get.

Most of the time they have made up their mind about me before I get a chance to speak. If I wear a suit, I look like I stole it or I’m going to court as the defendant. I have spent more money removing tattoos than I did getting them, and it’s only made a dent. My face is clean now but there’s still a bit of work to do on my hands and fingers, the rest I can cover with clothing.

Alright kids are home gotta go

Starting over at 51

geoff — Tue, 22 Mar 2022 17:03:47 GMT

Hello Jafar, I'm not going to blame you for having them, that's your choice, as I'm not against tattoos so much, it's just I don't have any, and some small ones are attractive on a female, but there are on an occasion this is decided for different reasons, but it doesn't mean you don't have the experience to help others, as it's just cosmetic.

A while ago the Champions had to get WWC and the only trouble was filling out the form and signing it within the small sized box allocated, that took me a couple or tries, but I have my WWC.

You will be OK and your valued experience will definitely come in handy for many people.

Good luck.

Geoff.

Starting over at 51

Petal22 — Tue, 22 Mar 2022 23:18:54 GMT

Hi Jafar the Barmecide,

Thanks for watching the video’s and looking up Arcofyre……. I hope you hear back from them 😊 please let me know how it goes…. If you want to….

Please don’t allow fear to ever stop you from doing anything you really want to do……….. just dive in…… you really are doing great things and because your intention is to help others things will fall into place for you.

remember your past was a “ lesson “ not a life sentence.

To be truly free you need to free your self from the false thoughts inside your mind… only then you will be truly free….

Your tattoos aren’t the person you are they are just in the outside of you….. the true “ you “ is on the “inside”…, allow this to shine through you…

Believe in you and great things will begin to happen.

Starting over at 51

Amelia02 — Wed, 23 Mar 2022 10:41:28 GMT

Jafar - I had to laugh at “If I wear a suit, I look like I stole it or I’m going to court as the defendant”! Hahaha! It sounds like you will get a lot of cred/ respect from those you wish to help once you get into the role you’re heading towards ie others who are walking a challenging path.

I wouldn’t worry about the working w children check. Your name will be just another “meaningless” name in a massive pile of names the checker has to get through as quickly as possible (I’ve heard this is often a backlogged task as there are so many people getting the check so the checker is v busy).

Keep on trucking, A

Starting over at 51

Jafar the Barmecide — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 08:37:21 GMT

G’day you’se mob,

Reading through this forum makes me realise just how much I gotta learn before I attempt to peer anybody, let alone answer a post. I really want to rescue everybody, you know? -from bullies, from their toxic partners and relatives, even from their existential dread. The couple of times I have posted in someone else’s thread I’m anxious as hell trying not to overstep the mark, and I want to make sure I only address those things I have direct experience of.

I had a catch up with what I call my bogan mates, these blokes I’ve had to keep at arm’s length since I got out. They are all drinkers, but they are more than just old drinking buddies, a few of them I have known since school, a couple were in my battalion, and one was a cell mate. These are also mates who stuck by me and encouraged me to get my s*** together, they are my brothers.

They are all ‘going straight’ like myself but I was the one who had to give the grog away as an everyday thing. I fell off the wagon first time since April, but I don’t see it as a lapse or relapse, it was more of a planned once a year kind of thing. I made sure I only had a limited supply and made sure I was full of food and made sure I was first to say ‘See ya later’. I haven’t re-ignited a dependency, in fact the next day reminded me painfully why I don’t want to do this every day.

While it was great to catch up with buddies it did remind me how behind I’ve fallen in the ‘Game of Life’. I remember my 40th birthday and thinking on that day that I’d ‘made it’, I had my house with a pool, 2 motorbikes- my Harley Softail Fatboy Lo & the Triumph Bonny Bopper and, 2 cars- the SS work ute & my treasured 1972 HQ Kingswood. I was looking at buying a boat, I was working in security, managing a team. Not only that, but I also had a beautiful young wife, soon to be the mother of my youngest son. A year and a half later, she was gone. 5 years after that, everything else was gone too.

I find it hard. It’s one thing to know that something is true intellectually and another to apply it into your life. I know that money and toys don’t make a man, but that’s exactly how I judged myself and every other man. My shame and embarrassment at catching public transport, standing in line for my dose at the chemist, going to Centrelink really destroyed my sense of dignity and pride. It’s hard to break these ideas and use other ways to measure your own worth.

Anyway, gave me something to think about.
See you’se later

Starting over at 51

Petal22 — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 05:53:57 GMT

Hi Jafar the Barmecide,

I understand how you use to judge your self worth.

But I can see that you have awakened to the fact that your worth really isn’t measured by that all.

I believe our self worth is measured by how we treat others and how we treat ourselves……

Everything you are doing now In this moment to better yourself you should be proud about because all of those things will mount up to alot and it’s creating the new improved version of you……

Starting over at 51

Petal22 — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 07:58:02 GMT

Thank you also for your contribution.

I think it’s great that you have mates that encourage you in life to do great things.

Im glad to hear you kept your alcohol in check.

Im sorry that you had so much and then you lost it including your wife….. did you ever get to meet your son?

I understand it’s so hard to feel like everything is gone that we value in our lives……. But you really can get all of that back…. It will just take time and hard work but it’s possible.

I understand that standing in line at the chemist to get your dose, getting Centrelink and catching public transport could feel embarrassing to you and bring down your sense of pride if you look at that way.

The thing is we can alter our perceptions at any given time we can look at things in all types of ways…..

One way to look at standing in line at the chemist to get your dose is………. I’m being proactive by getting a dose.

Catching public transport….. you are doing this to get from A to B on your own and not having reliance on anyone else…….. you may just meet someone on the transport who’s having a bad day and you could make it better for them by just being kind.

I understand you think of your life before everything was gone try to just let the past go and move forward into the future building a new version of yourself ….once you get to the top of that mountain the view will be amazing.