topic Lonely newbie in Welcome and orientation

Lonely newbie

Stitch — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 09:59:29 GMT

Hello. This is the first time I've posted in an online forum.

I'm 44 years old & embarassed to find myself with no friends. I've also been estranged from my family since the age of 15. I work full-time, have a lot of hobbies and volunteer with 2 different organisations. My life is busy and productive but the lonliness is getting hard to deal with and I'm worried I'm turning into a person that I don't want to be. I'm also worried that people are able to up on my sense of sadness and this is making it hard for me to make friends.

Is there anyone experiencing a similar situation?

Lonely newbie

Vera55 — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 11:30:51 GMT

Hello Stitch. Yes that sounds like a difficult situation for you. Not only do you miss out on support families can provide because you say you are estranged from them, but not having friends to turn to can be really hard.

When I was in a similar situation my therapist pointed out that it was my own thinking and thus behaviour that prevented people from becoming my friends. that I put up a front of not needing anyone (but really I did) because I didn't want to appear needy. It's a complex protective mechanism of not wanting to get hurt.

i apologize if I misunderstood your post. I am finding it hard to make much sense tonight but wanted to say hello and acknowledge your sharing.

Maybe we can tease this out over the next few days. Others on this site post such terrific responses and I look forward to reading yours and theirs. Kind regards for now Vera

Lonely newbie

geoff — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 14:25:47 GMT

dear Stitch, thanks for joining us and it must have been a great effort to post your comment but it's great that you have.

We always encourage people to continue with their hobbies and volunteer in any organisation which you are doing but it's not doing anything for you to make friends, which shows that your self esteem is low or non existent.

Somebody has suggested ( and sorry because I can't remember your name ) a book on self esteem and hopefully they will be able to join this post.

Something awful must have happened with your family all those years ago for you to be estranged from them, and maybe you may want to let us know.

I wonder whether your confidence is so low so that you don't show any enjoyment in what goes on at work or these organisations or you always have a serious mood on your face, just saying.

This can be associated with low self esteem and low confidence. Geoff.

Lonely newbie

Stitch — Sun, 06 Apr 2014 09:52:30 GMT

Thank you both for reading my post & responding.

Vera you are right in saying that it is my own thinking that prevents people from wanting to become friends with me. And Geoff is also correct in saying that I don't show or feel any enjoyment in what goes on at work. Part of the problem is that I'm in a new job which is completely different to what I've been doing for the past 25 years. (Workplace injury, 2 years of unemployment & retraining in a new field) The work is complex & difficult and I spend all day with a look of fierce concentration on my face.

I'm also very anxious about doing my job well and don't have the time to socialise with my colleagues as much as I want to. I've been there 6 months now & don't feel like I fit in.

My volunteer work brings me alot of joy even though I havn't been able to make any lasting connections Although as with my paid job, most of my colleagues are much younger than I am and have different interests.

Like Vera, I put up a front of not needing anyone because I don't want people to see me as needy. I am very capable & independant which I think is a direct result of being homeless at a young age. But this independence seems to frighten people off.

I've read a stack of self-help books, have had ongoing therapy since my 20's but I still can't seem to be able to make connections with people. A large part of me questions why anyone would want to be friends with me anyway.

I joined a support group for adult survivors of child abuse but the woman who ran the group didn't invite me to any of the outings.

I also joined a "Meet Up" group but lost my nerve.

I used to go out on my own all the time. Going out to dinner or a comedy show or a movie on my own never fazed me. But as I've gotten older, the knowledge that I don't have a place where I belong has become an increasingly heavy burden.

Some days the loneliness just stops me in my tracks.

There's a saying - "Home is that place where, if you have to go there, they have to let you in"

Thank you for listening.

Lonely newbie

Bec_Luke — Tue, 08 Apr 2014 06:27:51 GMT

Hi stitch.

I have to say I'm not a busy person as I am unemployeed and trying to look for work, however I am also am wanting to make some friends of my own as I don't have any. I can understand your loneliness as well. I have recently done some voluntary work myself hoping to get a job out of it. But I myself am finding it very hard everyday as all I am doing is being at home doing nothing and I don't have anyone to just get out with, i have also recently been in a 11 Month relationship who they were the only and the first person I had opened up to and I have been battling depression for the last year and anxiety for the whole of my life. To this day it's hard but I must say that you are not alone, in this this situation and for me as well its a nice reminder to know and read that there are others out in the same position as I amand as you are, I also hear you when you sayabout turning into someone you don't want to be. I myself feel like I am or have become someone that I don't know who I am anymore when I look look back at the person I was last year before I got my depression. But it's normal for youto be feeling the way you do atthe moment, but it's ok to be felling these things, as I have said before that you are not alone.

Kind regards Bec 🙂

Lonely newbie

Vera55 — Tue, 08 Apr 2014 07:07:48 GMT

You are so right Bec, I don't think any one is immune to experiencing loneliness at least once in their life. At times you can be surrounded by all your friends and family and feel alone. It can feel really lonely in a partnership too although there are people coming and going all the time.

I must admit when I did the work on forming friendships it was scary because it's about intimacy. Intimacy is about vulnerability and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person who might reject the effort. Arghhh, feel tight in my chest as I write this. but you can't have the goodies until you have the courage.

i would seek a counsellor as a support to help you both to navigate this life lesson. It's not as simple as it sounds because you are dealing with a myriad of reasons why it's difficult to form friendships. Issues of control, worthiness, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment and so on. And support and guidance is really important and helpful because some of us don't know how to make friends. V.

Lonely newbie

Bec_Luke — Tue, 08 Apr 2014 07:25:43 GMT

I have recently spoken to my psychologist and my psychiatrist nurse who I may see once a week or when I can. And I had asked about if there where any groups like they have for AA but for people with/batterling depression. And I had been told that there are a few that my psychiatrist had then said she highly agreed and reconmendered would be good not only to meet new people but makeing friends and meeting new people who actually have an understanding and would be able to suport one another aswell

Lonely newbie

Tanzi — Tue, 08 Apr 2014 12:44:45 GMT

Hi Stitch

My first post too. I have had depression and anxiety since I was aabout 7 or younger directly related to my Parents. I made peace with them but still have the debris inside me. I had lots of friends including alcohol and now I'm worrking at beating it all, my friends seemed to have disappeared coz who wants to be friends with someone who doesn't drink.

I understand what you mean about being serious wanting to be good at your job and not wanting to appear needy.

I have been reading a lot about positive affirmations to reprogramme the way you think about yourself because if you don't like you it's hard for others to.

Just a thought I'm also keeping a gratitude journal to remind me to focus on the positive. Even if it's just 1 thing a day.

Above all else keep trying because you definitely are not alone x

Lonely newbie

Stitch — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 04:59:06 GMT

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

I do have a psychologist who I see about once a fortnight. She's fantastic to talk to, she's like the sister I never had. We seem to be on the same page as far as values, politics and social issues go and I always leave the session feeling better. It's not only great to talk to her, I also enjoy hearing her point of view.

It would great if BB could facilitate some sort of real-life get together for forum members. Something along the lines of what "MeetUp" does like a movie or picnic or some other low key event. Does anyone know if this is possible?

Lonely newbie

Bec_Luke — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 05:17:02 GMT

Hey stitch,

It's grate to hear that the psychologist appointments you go to have been making you feel about more better a and are helpful.

I also agree with you on your comment about BB facilitate some sort of real life get together as you a day.

I think its a grate idea.

I also would love if this could be something possible to happen.

It would Be grate to be able to connect with others and meet others and mix with those who have the understanding and who can relate.

Bec. X

Lonely newbie

Oneofakind — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 01:57:00 GMT

I know how you feel, but I think in my situation, I don't encourage friendships as such, because I find that the effort to maintain them on an emotional level is just too hard for me at the moment. Could this apply to you, it doesn't sound that you are isolating yourself? It sounds great that you have a full time job and hobbies, maybe through theses hobbies you can forge a casual friendship, with someone you have common ground. I too have estranged family members, and it can be hard sometimes, but at the end of the day, you have to feel happy within yourself to have good relationships with other people, but that is the hard part. Don't be hard on yourself you are doing a lot of positive things...we'll done

Lonely newbie

Stitch — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 03:08:51 GMT

Although I work full-time and have lots of hobbies, I still don't have any friends. I work with a great group of people but they are all much younger than me. I've been there 7 months now and no one has asked me out for a cup of coffee at morning tea.

My volunteer work is the same. I turn up, do the breakfast & lunch shift and then go home feeling just as lonely. I love talking to the clients but there is no possibility of friendship as they are all experiencing enormous difficulties themselves. They are the most marginalised of society and have complex problems including homelessness, health, drug & alcohol issues and mental illness.

The other volunteers are great & I enjoy talking to them but when their shift ends, they go home to their own lives. It also doesn't help that they are all much younger than me and have different interests.

I also volunteer at the local blue light disco once a month. It's a lot of fun watching 200 kids running around, dancing & screaming & having fun. But the level of noise from the music cancels out any opportunity to have a conversation with the other volunteers. Also, most of the volunteers are police officers with their own families to go home to so there's not much opportunity to make friends there either.

My hobbies are things that I do on my own at home - reading baking & sewing are all solitary pusuits.

So you're right Taniakerry, I'm not isolating myself, I'm getting out of the house and doing things but they're not leading to opportunities to make friends.

Bec Luke, I would love to be able to meet other BB members but I suspect that it would be against this forum's rules of anonymity.

I've been thinking about giving "Meet Up' another go. They have a Melbourne anxiety group and they organise events and outings for members every few weeks. I'd love to go to an event but it takes me a while to feel comfortable with new people. I'd love to be able to get to know people online first before meeting them in real life but Meet Up doesn't have a system that allows this.

Saying that, I'm really happy to have discovered the BB forum. The advice and support from the other members has been just wonderful - I don't feel so lonely now.

Cheers

Lonely newbie

Bec_Luke — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 08:25:04 GMT

Hi there stitch,

I do agree and understand in meeting members from here that it probably be against BB rules.

Iv found a few groups sort of bear where I am, but I'm all open to what groups are out there. However I hAvent hear of meet up before, I guess I'm only just finding some of thesethings out now as i go along. But i guess that could be something to also look into.

However I am bit like youand meeting new people. I'm very

Carefull with who I try n mix with and meet. im a protective person I guess u could say.

Lonely newbie

Stitch — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 10:17:40 GMT

Yeah I'm a bit 'gun shy' too.

I never used to be though. I've done stacks of courses - academic, personal development and crafty stuff & I never felt a twinge of nervousness when it came to meeting new groups of people. But gradually over the last 5 years or so, I've retreated into myself and don't trust other people so much.

I also worry that other people won't like me when I meet them I that I now avoid these situations. Which is really stupid of course. Can't make new friends if I don't give it a go, right?

Meet Up is an organisation whose members facilitate events for like-minded people. There's a huge range of groups to choose from like bushwalking, live music, dancing and even a food appreciation group that meet for dinner at restaurants. There's also a group for people who live with anxiety.

I haven't looked at the site recently, but I remember an event they had planned which involved a ferry ride from Melbourne's Southbank to Williamstown to have lunch at a pub. I really wanted to go but wanted to get to know some of the people first before meeting them.

I think it may be a national organisation so there might be a relevant group in your area?

I'm planning on working up some confidence and maybe giving Meet Up another go. Mght take a couple of weeks or even months but it'll be good to have something positive to work towards.

Cheers 🙂

Lonely newbie

CrashCoyote — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 13:27:01 GMT

Hi Stitch,

I am fifty and single. I have a small group of long time friends (+ 25yrs) and although I am personable and make "friends" easily, I cannot let them in. I always struggle to stay in relationships but I think that is because I am attracted to needy women. (Last one was six years together and lots of anxiety in her. I'm not dumping on her, of many relationships, I think she is the one. I still think of her as the love of my life yet we just could not make it work.)

My point, however, is that your lifestyle since you were fifteen is probably a bit of a habit. Maybe you subconsciously sabotage opportunities to make friends? I say that because you sound like a nice and intelligent person and clearly can work with others, yet you struggle with letting people in. In a clumsy way I am trying to say that the way you are is probably more common than you know.

Even my long term friends don't know where all the bodies are buried. They know a lot about me but not everything. Everyone else I meet is more like an acquaintance. I wouldn't be prepared to share any information of consequence or that make me vulnerable with them.

As for family, I have heard a similar saying. "Family are the people that, when they knock at your door, you have to open it." You have been estranged for a long time. Have you considered approaching any of them? Maybe they would be just as keen to know you. I don't know if you even want that, but if you do, why not try?

Anyway, we can keep talking on here, along with our other friends Geoff, Vera, Bec Luke and Taniakerry.

Happy Easter everyone. Finally, a good excuse to eat chocolate!

Kine regards, John.

Lonely newbie

Stitch — Mon, 21 Apr 2014 03:45:15 GMT

Hi John,

You're right in that I sabotage opportunities to make friends. I used to be an open book & would talk endlessly about myself & my childhhod to anyone. After a time I found myself completely friendless. I gradually realised that people are not interested in other people's lives to such a degree - they have their own troubles to deal with.

So now my behaviour is at the other end of the spectrum in that I don't reveal very much about myself, especially the early years of my life. My thinking is that when I was my old 'self' people found me irritating & needy - and I really was.

Having come from a home rife with violence & neglect, I find that most people don't understand and don't want to know. The downside of keeping to myself is that people are mistrustful of who I am. They suspect that I'm hiding something & they're right of course. But it's not what they think. I'm simply embarrassed about who I am & where I come from.

Reconnecting with the family is definately not an option for me - they're a pretty awful bunch of people. I'm actually ashamed to be related to them.

They are criminals, prostitutes, drug abusers, con-artists, alcoholics, fraudsters & unrepentant child abusers. As a group they are quite fractured & completely dysfunctional. I had to change my surname not only because of the shame but also because I was tired of receiving phone calls from the police looking for one relative or another.

So even though I'm lonely, it's better than having any of those relatives in my life.

I might be on my own but at least it's peaceful & on my own terms.

Thanks for listening.

Lonely newbie

CrashCoyote — Mon, 21 Apr 2014 05:58:48 GMT

Hi Stitch,

Thank you for sharing the details of your journey. I understand why you don't crave family. It is amazing that you were able to extricate yourself from such a group and lead a (presumably) crime free and sort of normal-ish life.

Anyway, you don't have to be ashamed of yourself and you don't have to worry about being deserted on this site.

Keep posting!

Kind regards, John.

Lonely newbie

Chris_B — Tue, 22 Apr 2014 01:36:10 GMT

Hi Stitch, we are co-ordinating meetups in major cities for forum and blueVoices members to coincide with our National Roadshow. Our last meetup event was held in Adelaide. Members will be notified of forthcoming events here on the forums and via email.

Lonely newbie

Bec_Luke — Thu, 24 Apr 2014 04:57:34 GMT

Hey Stitch,

I know what you mean when you say about how i was saying before meeting new people and being able to have that trust there, for me i think the who l trust issue comes from my past through my child abuse, an I think that's why i have this thing with trusting people, and i find it hard to even though i may want to slightly easy into people and have something there to trust, I just cant seem to do it.I think it also could be because iv always been promised or i have trusted in people but i have always been let down and disappointed. And these days I just, i don;t know but i just find it hard. i'm not so much anxious though in meting people or wanting to but i think also because i'am a different person to altogether than the people in general i meet, I for some reason have some difficulty there to as i guess nothing to relate to, i also am a bit like, how you were saying about how you worry about other people, i do worry a lot to about what other people say or may think of the type of person i am and i find it hard to not take it in some times, and again i dot know why i do either. but I do believe that when meeting other people who may have been in the same situation or knows or can relate i do feel that you can get on better with those as there is that understanding there also that trust thing is a lot easier in ways. As there is also someone to listen and can talk to because they may have that clear understanding than some one else who just doesn't get it.

however i myself would also like to look in to trying to find those type people and try and work up to meeting people again.

But I do love just being on BB and being able to talk to people and meet new people and love listening to what they may have to say or their stories as well, and help one another get through those tough times.

so don't stop posting because there is always someone here to listen or talk to.

Bec x.

Lonely newbie

Stitch — Sat, 26 Apr 2014 04:22:16 GMT

Hi Bec,

I know what you mean when you say you feel different to other people.

To some extent you and the other members of this site ARE different in that we have had vastly different life experiences compared to most other people.

I know that 1 in 5 people will have experienced some form of mental illness in their lifetime, but that leaves a population of 80% who have little or no understanding of the types of issues faced by the other 20%.

Like you, I also feel more at ease with people who have had similar experiences to mine. It's always such a relief to not have to keep my guard up - it's bloody exhausting!

The trust thing is easier too. You don't have to worry about people thinking less of you because of your particular situation. There's also less of a need to 'explain' yourself.

I've discovered a new "Meet Up" group called "Melbourne depression & anxiety group". I've emailed the person who runs it & I'm hoping I hear back from her soon. She created the group (only a week ago!) because she couldn't find a group in Melbourne for people living with D&A. I won't be able to attend the first coffee & chat meeting this Saturday, but I'm determined to go to the next one.

Like you & many others on this forum, I'm tired of doing it on my own.

Regards