topic Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years in Welcome and orientation

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Culdrose — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 00:40:53 GMT

Just joined BB.

More than thirty years ago I had two very close friends. My wife (of 12 years at the time) worked with the wife of one friend and the workmates brother was the other close friend. We spent a lot of time together working bees, Barbies etc. For us and the other couple our children were growing up together.

My world was shattered when I learned that my wife had been having an affair with my unmarried friend, an affair that had been going on for >2 years. It only ended when he finally married his girlfriend and my wife “felt guilty” now he was married.

For 30 years we have been trying to rebuild our marriage. My wife wants me to ‘get over it’, ‘let it go’ etc but I find it very hard. For that entire period my wife has refused to give me any details about the affair. I know why and how it started and I accept fully my role in creating the environment that produced the affair. I accept no responsibility, however, for the affair itself. She made all the choices, to start it , to continue it and to end it - I knew nothing. Her rationale has changed over the years from “I don’t remember” through “What does it matter, “Its irrelevant”, “I don’t think its useful to discuss it”. Bottom line she is in total control of the information. She knows everything and I only know what she has chosen to tell me - which is next to nothing.

Whilst it has been >30 years it actually feels like the same 2 years thirty times over!

In the beginning I asked and got nothing, I asked again and so it went on until I gave up and buried it. Then, some time later something would occur (eg the beginning of an affair portrayed in a TV show) and it would trigger me and I’d ask again - get nothing keep going, bury it, time would pass, something would be a trigger, then it would get dug up again - you get the picture.

Here’s the thing - I still love her and want to forgive but have found it really hard to do so.

Forgiveness seems like a blank cheque - I don’t know what I’m forgiving. I can’t forgive an “affair” - that’s a noun not a verb

Verbs are the things you do - the behaviours, the things that require forgiveness. We don’t have seperate words for an affair lasting a week, a month or > 2 years - that did or did not involve love or lust, we use the same word for them all.

I want to know, specifically, what behaviours I’m forgiving.

Am I crazy??? Should I give up and leave???

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Sophie_M — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 01:04:50 GMT

Dear Culdrose, Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members. This is a safe space to share and express your own feelings, struggles and experiences without judgement.

Regards

Sophie M

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Amelia02 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 01:09:04 GMT

Hi Culdrose,

have you and your wife ever been to therapy? A therapist *skilled in dealing with this issue would probably be very helpful to you I suspect.

I’m not qualified to diagnose anything but this seems to have colonised your mind. Going over and over the issue, obsessing over it, feeling like you’re in the same holding pattern of 2 years for 30. Sometimes trauma can get stuck in your brain and it won’t unjam unless specific treatment is done. If you don’t do couples therapy, I would recommend you see a psychologist for yourself at least. Maybe see someone for yourself either way.

You can resolve this, see a psychologist.

Take care, A

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Culdrose — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 04:10:12 GMT

Hi Amelia

Thanks for the reply. It took a lot for me to post in the first place - I really appreciate you reaching out.

I started seeing a psychologist a few weeks ago (via zoom only) having seen others in years past. We have had 3 sessions to date as part of a Mental Health Care Plan.

As the saying goes ‘you have to kiss a few frogs etc’ trying to find the ‘right one’

This one is the best to date and I have some optimism around working with her.

We have tried couples therapy but my wife feels they always take my side because, according to my wife “you’re better with words than me - I process through my feelings, you process through your head”. Either way we haven’t had any success in finding someone to work with and now my wife is reluctant to go down that road again.

The whole thing - the affair and the denial of detail - feels like I’ve been given a jigsaw (on D Day) and then asked to make sense of it whilst being denied access to the picture on the box. A sort of just accept it and move on situation. The thing that makes that difficult (impossible?) is that I live with the person who has the picture but refuses to show it to me.

I don’t know if this is to protect herself from any shame/guilt/embarrassment but it feels as if I have to suffer in order for her to feel secure behind her wall of silence (denial?)

I have given up on asking for details in general and have focused on only wanting to know the details of ‘the first time’ which, I acknowledge, could have been a major lapse in judgement and the ‘second time’. It seems, in my obsessed mind, that this is the critical episode. This is the time where she knowingly visits her AP knowing what is going to happen and yet chooses to go ahead. After that the horse has bolted and the details are increasingly irrelevant.

My head spins with any number of imagined scenarios of what happened that day. I find it impossible to ‘let go’ because I don’t know which scenario to let go of.

I’m up the creek and don’t know what to do!!

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Culdrose — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 04:14:46 GMT

Hi Sophie

Thanks for the welcome and the prompt response.

I’m hoping that from the collective experience that is on the Forums someone might make an observation/comment/suggestion that sets me on a path to a resolution and ‘sets me free’ from the voices/images in my head.

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Petal22 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 12:51:40 GMT

Hi Culdrose,

Im sorry that this has happened to you and it’s not your fault.

You didn’t create the environment for the affair you just trusted your wife.

Has your wife apologised to you?

I can totally understand why you are finding it hard to forgive.

I hope your wife has been able to fully accept the responsibility for the affair?

I can understand why you have so many questions and for your wife to say to you to just let it go is very dismissive.

I really hope your wife can accept responsibility and see how lucky she is that you want to forgive her but she needs to help you to try to do that.

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Petal22 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 13:06:47 GMT

Just an another point I wanted to make was “ it only ended when she “felt guilty “ now that he was married……..

What about what she was doing to you? Shouldn’t she be guilty about that?

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

geoff — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 16:02:42 GMT

Hello Culdrose, after all that has been said, this problem is a silent thorn in your side and may remain there, whether or not your wife tells you, and even if she does then your imagination will still wonder 'what if'.

Even though 30 years is a long time, it's broken your trust and may have changed your relationship and on occasions when you mix with other people your mind will wonder any possibilities that may occur.

Now that your wife won't seek anymore help, only because she may be the one who is blamed, is not going to appease you in anyway, but your decision depends on your family/grandkids and whether they know and if so, how do they feel.

I have someone close to me who has separated from his wife and waiting for a divorce with two small children, but that doesn't stop the either grandparent visiting the children or talking with them via social media, so it actually doesn't make much difference.

In other words, as this problem is still annoying you, then what's discussed between you and your wife aren't going to solve the problem because you may not be convinced, then I can only suggest that you have time apart as I can't tell you what to do.

Take care.

Geoff.

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

blondguy — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 16:46:40 GMT

Hi Culdrose

Thankyou for being a part of the forum family! There are super helpful responses above so I will keep my post brief. You speak from the heart where the love for your wife is concerned

Petal mentioned 'I really hope your wife can accept responsibility'....this is vital for your well being not to mention her acceptance of your feelings. I actually find it somewhat peculiar when a partner tries to avoid joint counselling

Seeking support from a counsellor is an excellent idea yet it doesnt have to be a psychologist. Just from my own lived experience regular counselling provides us with a more effective outcome

Your well being is paramount Culdrose....all other considerations are secondary...

my kind thoughts

Paul

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Amelia02 — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 11:41:13 GMT

Hi Culdrose,

I can totally see how you feel stuck - echoing what others have said here and perhaps your previous marriage counsellors - she doesn't seem to have accounted for her error, did she ever apologise/ she doesn't seem to have been particularly apologetic, in making the error did she even give you any consideration in starting it and in what made her end it? How can you repair a marriage that obviously has fault/s in it(I assume it is not an open marriage?) when you don't know what to fix? How can you trust when you don't know what will set her off to stray again?

I guess pretty much all psychologists will tell you that you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself/ help yourself navigate things better. Perhaps you are giving her too much power? You said something about despite all you want to stay with her. Perhaps you need to examine if it is better for you to stay in the current situation without foreseeable improvement or leave. Is her value really that high to you? Would being contentedly single be happier? Would you be able to find someone else who you love and loves and values you as much be better? If it is a matter of dividing up assets or child custody that is weighing on your mind, can you negotiate a way that you could separate but each get your needs met?

Take care of yourself, I hope you're having a good week, A

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Culdrose — Mon, 21 Mar 2022 21:34:26 GMT

Hi Amelia and the others who have responded. I really appreciate the care shown in your responses

I am concerned that I have not explained the situation clearly enough.

My wife has absolutely accepted responsibility for the affair and apologised for it and the hurt it caused.

My issue is her refusal to give me any information about the affair other that it occurred and lasted for >2 years.

My research at the time and since speaks of the need many spouses have to know the details (if they want to) of the affair as part of their healing process and to help rebuild trust. My research said they should not be forced to hear details but neither should the person who had the affair deny them the details if asked.

For >30 years my wife refused to answer my requests/questions. Her main justification was a “I can’t remember “ which, over time, shifted into other excuses and rationales - bottom line I lived in my head with my imagination of what might have happened but no truth.

As most of us know my imagination was probably far worse and more sexually exciting than the truth but I never had the truth to still the voices and images in my head.

UNTIL LAST WEEK!! Finally after all this time she ‘remembered’ and gave me some details about their first and second ‘encounters’.

So here I am - trying to process my new reality

My wife - who chose to have an affair, chose to keep it going for >2 years, chose to finish it then decided to chose the option of silence on details for a further 30 years.

I have labelled her behaviour for the last 30 years as lying and deceitful. A label she denies and which she finds offensive and hurtful. I have tried to talk about her choices without any judgemental labels (lies, deceitful etc) and just describing the behaviour eg “you did not answer my questions no matter how often I asked”

She has now acknowledged that “I wish I had told you all those years ago” but now thinks that statement is a sufficient apology for the 30 years of pain I have endured.

I have a very dark sense of humour and if it wasn’t all so painful I might think the whole thing a farce.

I find myself now ‘doing the work’ that would have been better done 30 years ago if I had been ‘allowed’ the opportunity.

All thoughts, comments, advice welcome.

Fire at will!!!

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Karen0901 — Fri, 25 Mar 2022 19:25:22 GMT

I'm glad she finally 'remembered' stuff. She must be feeling guilt about how this is affecting you.

When I read your story my first thought was she only stopped because he got married. She doesn't want you to know that. She felt rejected by him, not guilty. She should have already felt guilty. She is manipulating you.

It's up to you what you do with this information. Confront her with it, if you like. Move on and accept it. It's up to you. Only you know what is right for your situation. But don't let her dismiss you. She wronged you. You have the right to demand she tell you the information to get closure. If she doesn't you should leave because she doesn't respect or care about your feelings. She remembers, she is lying to you as I'm sure you know. She certainly would have remembered years ago when you asked.

To me it sounds like the affair was an ego thing. I'm sure she loves/loved you but she wanted extra. She wanted him as well. That is not ok. She was your world. You just wanted to be hers. The fact it went on for 2 years tells me that she was able to ignore the guilt she should have been feeling. She didn't care about your feelings. She is still doing it by rejecting what you ask for, what you are telling her you need to move on.

Sometimes we need the hard truths shoved in our faces. This may be one of those times. You need to accept this and move on. Whatever that looks for you, is now what you need to focus on.

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Karen0901 — Fri, 25 Mar 2022 19:52:00 GMT

I would also suggest you think about why your wife doesn't want to do couples therapy. "Because they always take your side" and "your better at words" these are selfish, manipulative statements. There is probably a reason they always take your side. It's probably because she is not willing to meet you half way.

You nees to figure out where your wife stands in your relationship. Is it an equal one or are you giving more into it than she is. This is key to moving on with this, in my opinion, because we all want to feel loved.

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

therising — Fri, 25 Mar 2022 21:14:02 GMT

Hi Culdrose

I feel for you so much, having tolerated such pain for 30 years. That's an unbearable amount of time that you should give yourself credit for enduring.

I believe growing consciousness to be a biggy in any partnership. Some key questions in any partnership

What am I not conscious of, regarding my thoughts and behaviour?
What can you lead me to be conscious of, so that I can evolve or we can evolve together?
What do we need to be conscious of in order to let go of certain things which leave room for new things to come into our relationship?
How do I/we need to become more conscious so as to forgive?

You wish to be more conscious of how the affair played out, why it did, what triggered it or what the lead up was all about, what kept it going and so on. How hard is it to learn from what we're never made conscious of?! While your wife takes ownership of the affair, does she really take responsibility for the challenging aspects that followed it, such as leading you to greater understanding?

Personally, I like to see 'forgiving' as moving forward by giving our self a form of emotional release from something. I suppose you could say that if your wife holds the key to you better understanding how the affair played out, you're relying on her in a way to unlock things for you, freeing you from what you imagine.

A lack of consciousness in a partner can be highly triggering. My husband takes me to the brink of insanity at times 🙂 For example, when I ask him why we don't make any grand plans for the future or why we rarely ever adventure, his response is typically 'That's just me'. If I push him to seriously consider what lays beyond 'That's just me', his answer becomes 'I don't know' and he'll either walk away or change the subject. I do believe our 20 year marriage will never evolve while his mind remains closed to becoming more conscious, more aware.

Here you are Culdrose, wanting to be more conscious yet your wife won't provide you with this opportunity. As mentioned, perhaps her refusal to discuss the affair comes from a sense of guilt or perhaps a sense of regret or maybe even a sense of fear (fearing you'll leave her if she tells you). Whatever her reasons, I believe she owes you something for you patience, loyalty, love and devotion. I don't believe we can exercise such things while gaining little in return, otherwise it can become a depressing largely one sided relationship.

What is she prepared to do, to serve the relationship?