topic Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart... in Welcome and orientation

I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Sun, 26 Jan 2025 07:03:40 GMT

Hi all,

Umm, this is major leap for me, I don't talk about myself to anyone very easily. I am waiting for my appointment on Wednesday (29 Jan 2025), but need to talk to anyone, anyone else. So here goes...

I am 41 years old now, living in one of, by my opinion, the most beautiful locations in the far north QLD & the world, Cairns.

My wife & I moved here for a better, more relaxed life after living in Sydney for 10 years & other major metropolises around the world, the rat race essentially.

But, the relocation and living here has been anything but wonderful...

We fight, argue, bicker about pretty much everything. And I always just give up eventually, no matter rightly or wrongly because it's just easier. Because I "always" do this, or "always" do that. We were travelling over Xmas & it all just got too much, I popped, I'd had enough, & I told her I wanted a divorce, not once, tour times over a span of 6 weeks, the most recent been a week ago.

To give some context, up until a week ago, I had been taking some herbal adrenal support supplements for the last 18 months, to manage my stress & aggressive responses, which was working, until I changed brands because I couldn't get my chosen 'working' one. The last two months I had gone from been thoughtful & loving, to 'the world is ending', 'what is the point of everything'.

So I am sure you can agree, that all things seem to be pointing to the meds... nope, off the meds, feeling normal...ish, but the realisations that this women is not a match for me, & now without my mind under the control of some 'thing' I have never been clearer.

I am asking myself questions that I did ask when I was first about to get married, but ignored, my problem is now explaining to her, outside of all the discoveries that have been in the last week about how I seem to part of a small percentage of people that ashwaghanda does not play nice with, that my feelings now, are what they have always been, but I was too much a coward & peacekeeper to admit it to myself or anyone else, that she is not & was never the one.

The fact is, in her words "always do...", or not do, this or that, so basically I am bag of rapid cats ready to rip the world apart, "I must get meds from a psychiatrist".

I am at my end, I need figure out how to just move on, as she seems to think I will 'get better' & love her again, I am only hoping that Wednesday will give me the tools I need.

This is small part of my mind, thanks for reading/listening.

I want out, I don't love her anymore, just let me go!

PeterJupiter — Sun, 26 Jan 2025 09:00:42 GMT

I have so much to get off my chest...

How do I move onwards from a relationship that gives me so much anxiety & stress I want to sceam & cry & just... implode!

I recently had a massive blowup personally where I now want out of my 13 year marriage, now, no 12 month separation, just out. For so long I have felt that my marriage was off, that something wasn't right. I think I have always lied to myself, saying it will get better, but it doesn't, it never has.

I have realised, not recently, so more accurately, I have finally stopped lying to myself, and admitted that the woman I married has very little in common with me. We don't enjoy doing the same things. For example, she never enjoyed superhero movies, but watched them anyway with, until it recent blowup with me saying that I wanted a divorce, that she finally admitted she never really enjoyed the movies. Now I know, marriage, or any relationship, is about compromise, but, I do not, & have never had an issue with doing things on my own. You don't want to watch the movie, no issues, I will watch it on my own & we can do something else that we both want to do, that's my compromise. But for her, I suggest something, and there is invariably a reason why not to do it. And then she will tell me, we don't go out anywhere... WTF?!!?

Anyway, anything I want to do, is too hot, or too cold, or this or that or whatever. We used to talk so much, & then we started arguing and bickering more and more as the years went on.

Enter my 40th (Dec 2023), we are all set for a 21 night cruise, and along comes a cyclone, baring down upon Cairns, I say, let's go early to Sydney, rather stay an extra few days & we get onto the cruise, but no, "it will be fine"... Nope, it wasn't, the airport flooded, we didn't get onto our cruise. The whole shebang induced so much stress & anxiety that we blew up with a major fight.

Long story short, we got out of Cairns and joined the cruise halfway through in Fiji, but on my birthday, I said something that annoyed her, & another fight, which she then said maybe we need to take a break. I said no, I can be better & will work on myself.

But, here is the kicker, she didn't say, the words, the actual words "I love you" to me for a year, a year! I couldn't even feel, that she maybe loved me.

I am already on a knifes edge and she alienated me, and now she wonders why I said I wanted a divorce, 4 times in the last 6 weeks.

She believes we can work out things, I don't, I am done... just, please, let me go.

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

indigo22 — Sun, 26 Jan 2025 09:06:07 GMT

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for trusting us enough to reach out.

Firstly, because these forums are anonymous, I want to make sure you are not using your real name. If you are, I highly suggest changing to a different user name (I have not used your user name just in case).

Now that is out of the way, I can feel the angst in your post and would like to try to help as best I can.

I hope you won't mind me asking a few questions for clarification. You said that some of the questions you are asking yourself now are the same as you asked yourself, but ignored, when you were getting married. I think it's fairly common to have some doubts when getting married, so I am wondering what the marriage has been like for the 10 years you referred to. Has it only changed since you moved to where you are now? Or was it similar, but you were just trying to ignore it in the past?

I am a supporter of herbals but I also know that there are some herbals that don't agree with some people and wonder if you are fully detoxed. Have you been off them long enough to have detoxed?

The other thing that I am wondering is whether or not, this is the first time you have suppressed your anger. The reason I am wondering this is because some of us are taught from a young age that it is not acceptable to be angry and we learn to suppress it until it will no longer be suppressed. So the question I am asking is - Is your current anger all about your relationship, or is there a past factor involved also? These are only questions, not judgements, I hope you get that. We don't judge anyone, I am just trying to understand your situation more clearly.

I am glad you have an appointment set up, but I am also happy to keep conversing with you in the meantime.

Please let me know your thoughts,

indigo

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Sun, 26 Jan 2025 10:13:30 GMT

Hi indigo22,

Thank you for responding, I really appreciate it, I honestly wasn't expecting any responses, let alone so quickly. So thank you.

Yes, I am using a pseudonym, it isn't my real name, I am in software development, so I am acutely aware of my privacy on the great black hole that is the internet.

I am very happy to answer your questions.

So I have been married for 13 years now, we have been through so much together, we moved countries, states & cities on several occasions & now with me wanting to call it quits after she threatened multiple times over the years "if I didn't sort myself out" she suddenly, loves me, after plainly refusing to say the words for a whole year! I admit I am not always the easiest to live with, & this is to your other point, yes I have a lot of older issues that have affected me & that I have never dealt with. I come from a family where the men are "strong like bull, nothing hurts bull". So you suck it up, bury it and move on.

But, now, with her past threats, my need to hear the words that would make everything better, at least in the short-term, that I hopefully deal with things better, our lack of intimacy for the last 9 years & anytime I brought it or any of my concerns up, it either was a fight or no discussion at all, it all blew up.

So, the questions the I was asking and ignored, I ignored because I learnt early on as a kid, standing on your own two feet was ok, as long it only affects you. If anyone else is "inconvenienced", that's just not done... so I became a peacekeeper, I would just back down and wave the white flag, what I wanted, didn't matter. I did the same thing with my marriage, to my disadvantage in many cases, and when my work stresses got out control, I would fight back, and that would then boil all these things up. But, she was waiting and ready, the thing that I did 6 months ago, a year ago, 3 years ago, that was all there, ready and loaded. That would lead to her threats of separation, and me backing down, begging for forgiveness for my failures and saying I would do better.

It's funny, because, my best man, he asked me at my batchelor's, just one question, "Is she trying to change you?". I lied, and said no. I never understood the reason for question, till now, and I am sure he knew I was lying, but he never said anything. I suppose, you make your bed, you lay in it.

The adrenal support supplements I was taking, I started because of a bad work situation that I could not get out of easily, so handled it, they 'worked' but, looking back, they also dulled my sense of me, whom I really am. I was more placid, serving if you will, but not to myself. Until this latest batch, which has something wrong with it, even though it has the exact same dosages of all the exact same ingredients (according to the packaging anyway).

I have been on liver detox tablets and they have worked wonders, I have never been this clear of mind in years, two days after just stopped taking the supplements I was already better. As I was all doom and gloom, I am an avid gamer, I couldn't even be bothered to play a stupid mobile game a week ago, now I am back, streaming and recording my gameplay from my exhaustive Steam collection and loving it. Oh and that bugs her too, she has never been supportive of my love for games, she says one thing, but her body language and eyes say something completely different.

So to answer your question, no, my anger and anxiety are not limited to the relationship, but I feel, that the relationship is far too toxic for me to continue, because, I know, if I were to persevere, it would not be real. I don't have those feelings for her anymore, and while I understand her trying to hang on, because maybe it is real for her and a break up hurts like hell. But, my realisation has been that my 'love' for her, may have been a lie for much much longer than I realise or even want to admit.

I believe that is separating will allow us both to heal and move on, it will hurt, but I don't feel or see an opportunity for another path.

I am hoping Wednesday is going to give me at least something that I can work with, something that says I am of the right mind, that I am not imagining things.

Thank you again for your reply, just conversing with this has been therapeutic in itself.

Regards

PeterJupiter

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

indigo22 — Sun, 26 Jan 2025 11:29:24 GMT

Hi again PeterJupiter,

Thank you for the clarification, I feel I understand your situation more now.

It really does help to get things out of your head and talk about them, so I am glad you are finding this therapeutic.

I will be around whenever you want to talk, although I may not always respond as quickly as today, I will always respond as soon as I am able.

My impression is that you have been avoiding being your true self for much of your life, first with your family and then with your wife. Your wife has been trying to make things more acceptable to her, which may trace back to her own upbringing, and neither one of you has really been comfortable in the relationship for many reasons that only a therapist would help uncover over time.

I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason, I also believe that when the reason has come to light, the relationship either grows stronger or has served it's purpose and falls away. By that I mean any type of relationship that we have with others. It is not as easy time you are going through, I recognise that and I am sorry you are in turmoil at present.

Therapy will help you sort things out, in between sessions can be a difficult time in the beginning so I would suggest making use of the helplines when you need to talk to someone in real time. And use the forum when it is not so pressing.

We all have our coping mechanisms, the gaming has become your way of coping with a less than ideal situation and it is a much healthier alternative to drugs or alcohol.

I made some questionable decisions when I was younger too, we all do, it's how we learn. Sometimes the lesson is more painful than others, so long as we learn from them and remember not to make the same errors going forward, that's what counts.

I will be going offline now but will be back tomorrow if you want to talk some more.

Take care,

indigo

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Sun, 26 Jan 2025 12:34:44 GMT

Hi Indigo,

Thank you 👍

I do realise that very quick responses on forums are not the norm, so all good there, but I am thankful you were able to reply so quickly, it allowed me to get out of my own head.

Your impression is spot on, I have always hidden away, it was just easier. There are times though that I have come out of hiding and it has had some... ugly... consequences.

For example, my wife is not the same race as myself and obviously my family. That is a massive issue in my country of birth, race is still a very sensitive topic in my birth country, but it was/is an even bigger issue for my family.

This led to fights with my family and at one stage I stopped talking to my family for 5 years, and even now, even though we are on much better terms and my wife has been 'accepted', I don't tell them everything because my wife doesn't want them in our business. Hell, my family doesn't even know I moved, they still believe we live in Sydney. That's going to be an interesting conversation one day, the lie is eating me up, and the whole having to check what the weather is like in Sydney before I talk to them, as my father loves everything weather, and not to mention that QLD doesn't have daylight savings... It's not healthy for me.

And now, now that I have stopped hiding and I am fully open and releasing the real me, it's like there is nothing we have in common, nothing to talk about. Because she doesn't understand any of my interests, and actually doesn't want to, at least that's my point of view, based the discussions with her.

All the other issues aside, that fact that I know she doesn't trust me, but when I called her our on it she denied it. And that caused another fight. And that is the very reason for my hiding, the whole idea I may cause an argument by just opening my mouth, is why I never did. I have always felt I could never say anything without any form of retribution.

I don't know what the real reason for her coming into my life was. The simple fact is I would most likely not be in Australia now if it weren't for her, she was the one with the visa, I got added to her visa, I am the tag along... I she reminded me of that fact, in our last fight, saying that her family warned her I was going to use her.

So after 13 years, the reasons for the apprehension, judgement and trust issues come out. I know we all say things in anger and despair, but, I always believe, that these things while may only be said in anger or despair, they are said because there is at least a grain of truth behind them.

Yes, agreed, my life is filled with questionable decisions, but I believe it is time to actually start learning from them, which I think until now, I have not.

I suppose you are right about the gaming been a coping mechanism, it makes sense, I can get lost in gaming for many hours at a time, very easily, so what you say makes sense.

I have an EAP call tomorrow morning, so that should help, but I am really looking to the in-person appointment on Wednesday to make difference or something, not sure what to expect.

Anyway, thank you for been there, it has been a welcome release.

Thanks again

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

indigo22 — Mon, 27 Jan 2025 05:40:47 GMT

Hi PJ,

I hope your call helped you today.

From what you have said, I think the reason your wife came into your life was to enable you to distance yourself from the controlling influence of your family, so that you could begin to be your true self. But you kept your true self hidden with your wife as well. She hasn't really known you, hence now having nothing in common to talk about. When we repress/supress out true thoughts and feelings, over time they can create physical issues or illnesses to get our attention. First it will be a gentle nudge, if we ignore it for long enough, it can end up like being hit by a bus.

You are right about it not being healthy not telling your family you have moved. I don't think you need to make it a big deal for yourself (ie. when you actually moved), just say you recently moved and it was a quick decision so you don't have to keep up the pretence anymore.

I do agree with the thought that what is said in anger has at least a grain of truth in it. I hope you find at least some of the answers you are looking for on Wednesday. In my experience with therapy, try to hone in on the most important things you want to talk about in the first session, the rest can and will be talked about over time.

I hope today has been a better day,

indigo

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Mon, 27 Jan 2025 07:33:53 GMT

Hi indigo,

Thanks for the reply.

Unfortunately the call didn't help much.

I tend to disagree with you a little, when we first met, my wife actually got me to open up, I was very closed off to everyone and everything, but over time, she also started trying to change me.

Back then I just accepted it, but now, now it's different. Our fights in recent years have been about me 'reverting' after a few weeks of 'trying to be better'.

So yeah, not sure how to process things.

Wednesday is coming I suppose.

Thanks

PeterJupiter

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

indigo22 — Mon, 27 Jan 2025 08:53:08 GMT

Hi PJ,

Sorry the call wasn't all that helpful today. You do seem calmer today though.

I think we are pretty much in agreement. Just seeing things from a different perspective.

You would 'revert' if you are trying to be someone you are not for another person.

It's a good thing that you were able to start opening up, it can be a little too easy for us humans to close ourselves off to others. Perhaps the more you opened up, the more she wanted to change about you which is a mistake a lot of people make in a relationship. There needs to be some compromise on each side but not necessarily change. It actually isn't possible to change someone else, only yourself, and only then if you believe it is warranted.

I know I came very close to shutting my heart off completely, never to let another soul in. What saved me was the unconditional love of my cat, she made sure I kept my heart open. Animals are so intuitive and are able to give us what we need. I lost her recently after 16 years, but my heart it still open thanks to her.

As I said, this is not an easy time you are going through, but you are doing the best things to get through it.

It is just going to take some time to fully process.

Try not to stay in your head for too long at a time and be kind to yourself,

indigo

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Mon, 27 Jan 2025 09:31:36 GMT

Hi indigo,

Thanks yes, I am calmer today, even my galaxy watch agrees lol. But that is thanks to not having to deal with any of this today as I was playing games the whole day.

My wife did her thing, I did mine. But, even when we are in the same room, I have not felt like we are together. I have felt, for a long time now, that am just wearing this mask that says I am happily married but there are so many other ideas and feelings underneath.

And this is now where the big problem is, my wife cannot process the whole idea that this has been like this for a while. She even asked how I could fall out of love, how do I answer that.

The thing is, like I told her, it's never one thing, and as to when, I could never say. It just happened. And of course then comes the "so 13 years means absolutely nothing to you" and "so the one person that has stuck with you through it all is what you are chucking away" and "I could have left so many times, but stuck with you because I love you".

My anxiety and stress levels are skyrocketing just typing this now.

In just know, deep down, no matter what, I would rather be alone than continue in this marriage. And she hates me saying this, but I also wouldn't want to drag her alone on this "torturous journey" that I am going through, only to end in the same spot a year, 2 years or more where I want the divorce.

In this last spat 2 weeks ago, her sister told her to move out, find a place in Sydney and she would give her all the support she needed. Then we find this whole medication thing, explaining many of my feelings or lack of feelings, anhedonia to be specific, and then suddenly that gave her hope and she and her sister are now at odds. So not only is our marriage falling apart, her sister is angry with her and they aren't speaking.

I actually want to tell her to make up with her sister and get her support and we continue with the separation we started. The apartment is still going to be sold, regardless. So now I am trying to figure out how to use the psychologist sessions to initiate this.

As I feel the longer this drags on, the worse it will be for the both of us. Her sister hates me know anyway, she is already anti-men so yeah, I just don't know how to handle this situation now.

The separation will be lawyer free with an informal agreement as we have always had separate finances, except mortgages, and that's the reason for the sale, I would love to keep the apartment, but I cannot on my own salary with the refinance requirements. We agreed it would be amicable and that's that. No kids, so that makes it easier too.

I just need to tell her, and that is where I am stuck, I have made my decision, I just don't want to deal with the backlash.

If I stay, I will be miserable and putting on a show for the rest of my life.

Thanks again.

PeterJupiter

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Wed, 29 Jan 2025 04:16:10 GMT

So it has happened, the biggest blow up has happened, we are done, and it was her that called it.

I had my in person appointment today, and I spoke almost non-stop the entire time. The poor psychologist couldn't get a word in most of the time.

But, oh man, it was a release. I am so relieved that I feel like I am actually moving forward, I never expected such a feeling of relief.

I am already applying for apartment rentals and just have a way forward. I actually feel good.

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

indigo22 — Wed, 29 Jan 2025 04:50:56 GMT

Hi PJ,

I'm glad you got to release all that pent up angst, you should notice a difference in your mental state now that you know which direction you are heading in.

Did your psych have any input for you that helped?

Please make sure you uncover the deeper wounds from the past with your psych so they don't have an influence on your future. No more hiding the real you, ok.

Chat to me whenever you feel like it,

indigo

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Wed, 29 Jan 2025 05:10:47 GMT

Hi indigo,

Thank you, for all your advice, it has been a great help. And yes I shall reach out as needed. My next appointment is only the 11th of March, they are very busy, but I am on a waitlist, will see what happens. I will probably need lots of advice before then. I may have actually have moved out before then, hopefully.

Yeah the Psych gave some great input, that made a lot of sense and helped me feel I wasn't imagining things.

And oh yes, definitely a difference in my mental state, I feel... lighter, less burdened.

Oh course my wife is angry, and sad, and cold towards me, which is expected. I care that she moves forward but she won't have any of that, I suppose I am the scum of the earth now.

But, I am moving forward, sadly, sometimes one has to be selfish. We are taught to always consider others, but there comes a time when you have to look after number one.

Nope, no more hiding, I am who I am, and I am proud of that.

There is a long journey still ahead, but I believe this is a major milestone.

Chat soon, and thanks again

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 01:18:19 GMT

Hi indigo,

You know, just when I think I have a handle on things, my wife comes to me now and says that she still loves me, wants us to work, wants to listen to my concerns, wants to make changes, wants to understand, wishes she knew that I had an anxiety condition, that it would have changed her approach to me, that we will remove all the stresses and live a good, quality life, she is now suddenly willing to do marriage counselling or couples therapy, now why now, when I am actually moving forward, feeling positive and not before when I was spiralling and needed help, needed understanding, needed love, needed to hear "I love you" at least just once...... how the hell am I supposed to respond to that.

I told her, I cannot fix what I don't want, that I am happier with been on my own, I want to do this alone, I have not had that 'bachelor' or me time in my life to figure stuff out.

I started dating her 4 months after moving out of my parent's place, and inside a year I was married to her... so yeah, it happens to many people I suppose, but these last couple years have resulted in the exposure or hiding of so many things... I am just... lost for words really.

I was in such a good place this morning... now I am spiralling again.

I am going to see an apartment this afternoon, and still am, maybe that will give me clarity, I don't know.

Every part of me says no, do not do this, do not go backwards, move forwards, move in the direction you were heading only hours earlier... and then there is this tiny bit of doubt about whether I am doing the right thing, have I given it my all, have I tried everything, but that past, that history, that knowledge is screaming at me, DO NOT DO IT!... what am I to do?

Sad thing is, I know that I alone can only answer that question.

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

indigo22 — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 03:17:45 GMT

Hi PJ,

You are right that only you can answer the question, but I can give you a way to find the answer from within.

To do this though, you will need to make sure you are as calm as possible.

First, you need to get out of your head, that is not where you will find the answer.

Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed, try to clear your mind and take deep slow breaths, allow your body to relax. Do this until you no longer feel the angst and tension in your body - aim for a least 15-20 mins.

When you feel the time is right, ask yourself a question you already know the answer to (something that you know you would have a negative response to) and pay attention to the reaction of your body. Is there any constriction in your chest or your stomach? Do your muscles tense up in any part of your body? or Does everything feel calm and relaxed? Now try another question you already know the answer to (something that you know you would have a positive response to) and again pay attention to the reaction of your body. This will be your base line for how you react to things at a gut level (not at a mind level). You can try a couple of other questions if you want to be sure of the reactions you are feeling.

When you are sure you are really feeling your bodily reactions to those questions and have a good base line.

Only then should you ask yourself if you should stay in this marriage. The response you get from your body will help you with your answer. Just be sure that your mind stays out of the process.

I hope this helps. Let me know how you go.

indigo

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

randomxx — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 03:43:00 GMT

Hi ther pj , just read along a bit.

lndigo's got a good suggestion there , even just a walk, a long one, long enough to get to the point you start to unwind and clear properly, a nightly thing or in something else that will unwind you , swimming, anything, but out and away from the house.

l don't really expect a different answer bc your gut is already screaming it at you , but it might help you see things clearer, or something.

As far as you moving out goes if you do, maybe you could try just call it a mth or two apart, even to her , just to start , just as a stepping stone.

Hopefully , removing any pressure of the this is it thing , it's done. Even though she won't like it it doesn't have to be just done , yet . That answer can come later if needed.

Ps , was also wondering if things had gotten worse just in Cairns , bc tropo is a real thing , we both went a bit crazy up there with the heat and humility.

Anyway, just thoughts.

Good luck with everything

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 06:22:02 GMT

Hi indigo,

That is an epic suggestion, I will definitely try that. I will do so as soon as possible and let you know how it goes, thank you 🙂

Regards

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 06:31:33 GMT

Hi rx,

Thank you yes, I do try walking more regularly now, just to break away, but the brain takes over a lot of the time, especially when you are left to you own thoughts. I have started listening to calm music while I walk so that it fills my mind.

And yes, I was actually thinking that a couple months at least would be good idea, since posting earlier. I am now closer to the thought of saying to her, maybe using some of the separation period to figure things out would be good.

She has not enjoyed her time in Cairns, there are many, many things she complains about, humidity and heat be one, but things like number of doctors available, time waiting for hospital procedures, but that is the difference between big city and small city... me, I have always wanted to live in a small city or town. I just love it 🙂

And I actually enjoy the heat, which is odd for me as I not a small bloke, but I absolutely love it.

I cannot do Sydney or Melbourne again, even Brisbane gets a bit chilly, so yeah, it's another thing we are at odds with.

Anyway, I am off to see and apartment rental and will use that time as well to think. Its pouring with rain at the moment but, its warm 😄

Thanks again

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter — Fri, 31 Jan 2025 01:34:19 GMT

Hi indigo,

So, I did what you suggested, firstly if that is what meditation is, I have no idea why I have never done it before. The calm I felt was unbelievable.

Anyway, getting back to this, I did as you suggested and listened to my body. The short of it is I responded negatively to the question of staying in the marriage and positively to been on my own, at least for the time being, I also asked if I saw a future with my wife, that was inconclusive.

So, the decision I have taken is to move out, but I did follow the suggestion of randomxx to say it is for now, that this does not mean we are done done, that I need to find myself, and see what the future holds.

My wife was obviously disappointed, hurt even, but said she understood. I also told her that I whatever happens in the future, for me, going back to Sydney would be very, very difficult to choose. She then said to me that even though I say that we aren't done, saying that I won't go back to Sydney, means we are done. And I have to admit, she is not wrong.

Here is where the major issue is causing my body more pain and discomfort than anything else, I am racked with guilt, guilt that I am looking out for myself only. I suppose this is normal, but it feels horrible.

The reason I am feeling like this, is my wife effectively retired coming to Cairns as her industry is limited to a very small scope and she is(was) very high up the food chain in the work world. She now has to find a job and been out of things for a while it is putting her at an immense disadvantage, and she has no option but to move back to Sydney, but that requires a job, which requires accommodation, which requires a job.

I can see the hurt and pain in her eyes every time I look at her, it's just that I am struggling to reconcile my decision and the impact it is having on her.

My guilt is now, just in these few hours since the discussion late last night, is eating me alive.

I literally do not know what to do, and the more I think, the sicker I feel, not anxious, sick to my core.

Any advice or guidance would be... helpful.

Thanks

Re: I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

indigo22 — Fri, 31 Jan 2025 03:25:14 GMT

Hi PJ,

Firstly, yes that is a form of meditation, there are many forms and if you found it beneficial, keep doing it on a daily basis as it's effect is cumulative and will have long term benefits.

I understand the guilt feelings, that is to be expected in a situation like this, but if you are ever going to live the life you are meant to be living, you need to put your needs first. Unless you want to continue spiralling. The main reason you feel the way you do is that we are brainwashed from a young age to put everyone else's need ahead of our own. It is not selfish to have enough self love to choose to be happy. Remember that this is a choice and whatever you choose will have an effect be it positive or negative. We talked about questionable choices early on, so my advice is to question everything about this situation so you make an informed choice that is right for you, not a choice that is right for someone else, whoever that someone else may be. This is a life lesson taking place in the present moment and you are being asked to learn something. Figure out what that might be.

From my perspective of our conversations so far, you have put your wife's needs ahead of your own for a long time and it has brought you to the point you are at now. The thing that stood out to me in one of your latest posts is that your wife said she didn't know you were dealing with anxiety, I don't understand how anyone can live with someone for 13 years and not be aware of that, at least at some level.

I left my husband many many years ago so I know it is not easy. I also put his needs ahead of my own, part of my upbringing, but in the end that relationship did a lot of damage to my mental health that was already in a bad state before we got together. At first I said that I needed a break for a while, but despite being advised by friends to let me have that time to sort things out, he would not leave me alone for more than 2 weeks before he started pressuring me. I ended it at that point and yes it was painful because you go through a grieving process similar to when someone dies. I had to start over too. I tried to remain friends with him over the years but realised about 15 years ago that he had learned nothing from our break up. He remarried and didn't learn anything from that either when it ended. So I had to let it go, after about 25 years of trying, I effectively ran out of patience.

At the end of the day, your wife has family to support her through this, you do not. I think you said your wife's sister had offered to put her up for a while, that is probably the best solution for her to find work and eventually get a place of her own. But the fact is, that is not your problem to sort out.

I hope this helps to some degree,

indigo