Is there something wrong with me? Or am I something?

ashamg — Tue, 03 Dec 2024 12:16:59 GMT

Hi!

To start, I am the only female in my family. I am the eldest with 4 siblings...so parentification.

My 'parents'(mother and step father) were foster carers... abandonment.

My mother was gender preferential...so isolation.

I would inform something was wrong with me, that I saw things differently. I was belittled and ignored...neglect.

I am now 37. I have a husband. I have a son. They mean nothing to me. They used to...now they don't.

I don't know what to do...

Re: Is there something wrong with me? Or am I something?

smallwolf — Thu, 05 Dec 2024 12:21:33 GMT

Hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry to read that you're feeling this way.

It sounds like you've carried a lot of emotional weight from your past, and it's affecting how you connect with your loved ones now. 😞

My upbringing was quite different to yours - in my case I feel I had to contain my emotions. This happened for a variety of reasons. I have been seeing a psychologist for some time now, and today I was finally able to find a way to talk about the hidden anger that has been building inside of me.

I cannot tell you what you should do...However, one thing that I can say is that if you are able to talk to a therapist or similar to explore these feelings in a safe space and figure out what steps to take.

But if wanted to talk more, I'm listening.

Re: Is there something wrong with me? Or am I something?

therising — Thu, 05 Dec 2024 20:25:43 GMT

Hi ashamg

While I believe it's a parent's job to fill the role of 'open minded guide' for their child, there are times where they can disappoint themself from this appointed role. It is the child who feels the disappointment, in so many ways (perhaps over and over again). While smallwolf offers you a brilliant way forward, a way that can help shed light on the revelations that may have come to be depressing for you, I fully believe part of our challenge in life is to find the best guides for our self.

Based on my own experience with what begins as a depressing revelation, the beginning doesn't always reveal the whole story. Only some of the facts can be presented to us, in regard to what initially comes to mind. As the story unfolds and more and more revelations come to light, we can begin to see the overall story. To offer an example, someone could suddenly hit on the revelation 'My mother/father never loved me. I never felt loved by them, in the ways I needed to feel loved'. Now, they could jump to the wrong conclusion, 'I was unlovable' (which can be a depressing conclusion), or they could seek more revelations. More revelations require more questioning. 'How did I need to be loved? What does love mean to me? Why was my mother/father incapable of loving me in the ways I needed them to?' and the list goes on. Further revelations may offer certain possibilities, facts or truths, such as 'My mother/father has possibly struggled with undiagnosed high functioning autism the whole of their life, based on a whole collection of traits, and part of their struggle has always involved the inability to feel and/or express certain emotions (including love)' or 'My mother's/father's parents were emotionally closed off people, so my mother/father never learned how to love through example'.

We won't necessarily be looking to make excuses for our parents, it's more so about finding reasons for their behaviour. Finding reasons can be liberating. I think we can also come to know our self in the process, which can offer an even greater sense of liberation. We can become free to recognise, accept and express who we naturally are. For example, if you have always been a sensitive person (someone who's able to sense easily and deeply), one of the most liberating revelations can be 'No one was ever able to sense as easily and as deeply as me, while I was growing up. No one else, when I was a kid, faced this challenging ability and therefor no one could guide me in the ways of understanding it and mastering it'. If anything, we can be more so taught how to suppress such an ability until the suppression becomes depressing in a whole number of ways. In this case, the ultimate challenge can be about beginning to wake up to who we naturally are. Btw, if there's one type of person a sensitive person will feel the most, it's an insensitive person. As a sensitive gal myself, I find insensitive people to be incredibly triggering and highly questionable at times. 😁❤️

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Is there something wrong with me? Or am I something?

Re: Is there something wrong with me? Or am I something?

Re: Is there something wrong with me? Or am I something?