topic Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on? in Welcome and orientation

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Tue, 01 Mar 2022 22:45:39 GMT

I found this resource through an internet site. I did notice that the last post was in 2017 but I'm hoping that there is still a forum that helps people move forward from a cheating partner (he's also an alcoholic).

I want to heal me. I want to trust people again and not enter a new relationship one day thinking that all men are going to cheat. This has really thrown me and I want help.

Is there anything available?

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

white knight — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 00:44:00 GMT

Hi, welcome

Yes, this forum caters for any topic that affects people emotionally like cheating partners.

I assume from your post that you have made the break and are alone now but you have trouble coping and trusting. I hope I can help.

I've had many jobs in my 66 years of life that involved working with men, security, armed services etc. I am not overall impressed with many of them that openly brag they cheat on their wives and that is those that admit it!. So as a male it is disheartening that we can be tarred with the same brush. Yes, you are entitled to real love and devotion and you can find it but there is easier ways to do it than you think.

Firstly the alcohol issue. My last relationship of 10 years duration found my partner was a closet alcoholic. She blamed my bipolar for her becoming one and she refused to address the addiction. Once she mistreated my then teenage girls that was the end. So I do understand. So here is my views on trusting again-

Date for longer periods of time before committing regardless of your temptations
Settle for nothing but the best
Beware step parent situations unless you love all children and are the nurturing type
Question if a potential partner is secretive at all like hiding phone screens and texts
If suspicious - nip the topic in the bud, even hire a PI to confirm deny your thoughts
Dont be afraid of dating more than one guy at a time
Self praise, yes you are worthy
Talk away here. Each thread we contribute to has a little black guy on the thread topic that tells us there is a new reply. So we can reply again.

A couple of threads below can help. Just need to read the first post of each.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/confidence--how-do-you-get-it

Looking forward to hearing from you.

TonyWK

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 04:08:24 GMT

He'll never stop cheating on me or lying to me - how do I move on?

I’ve been in a relationship for 3.5years. He cheated from day 1. I found out by accident when he sent me dozens of porno images of them. When I confronted him, he looked in my eyes and said “absolutely nothing happened.” There are big age differences between him and his previous partners. He used one young woman for 3months and then blocked her. There was another partner (found out about her this week)!

It wasn’t just her - at least 30 times in three years. We lived together. He’d have a tantrum, leave, go to his parents, cheat, come back. My friends have seen his online profiles, saying things like he likes it rough in the bedroom. It took a while for me to find out - I guessed it one day. He told me it was the "consequence" of me getting angry.

We split for 3months. I met someone. I left this kind man to try again. Of course it backfired. He was still "talking" to his married girlfriend. I remember finding out - he said something vague - I wanted to get out of his apartment. It was late. I was out the front door and he physically assaulted me as I left. I got away, went home, blocked his messages.

He said he was going to go to AA and clean himself up. It was good for a bit. Then I asked him to take a picture of another man's Porsche off the Alexa (he'd used it on his Tinder profile). He blew up and left.

A month later he blew up because I wanted him to put his phone away/watch a movie with me. He left, put himself on Bumble, had unprotected sex with a stranger. He didn't disclose this when he came back.

On Thurs I walked into the home office; he quickly hid what was on his screen. I know he’s cheating. He went nuts. Said that he slept with that other woman because I "goaded" him into it. Then he left me again.

He always blames me. “I didn’t text him enough,” “it’s the consequence of me getting angry?” etc.

This week I found out he was writing to an 18 year old when we first got together, exchanging pictures. It makes me ill. His daughter turns 18 this year.
I’m seeing a counsellor today again. I need help.

I must realise that there is no chance he can change. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I keep taking him back?

I was a strong, independent woman. None of my friends know the full story. I'm ashamed. My ex-husband said something recently. I didn't know he knew - I'm most ashamed that he knows.

I'm even upset with his family for their lack of support. I feel alone.

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 04:23:55 GMT

Thanks Tony.

The damage that's done by cheating is immense. I'm definitely not the same person I was at the beginning of all this. I used to be fun, young at heart, carefree. Just before I met him I went to Europe on my own for a month and just had a wonderful time.

I spoke with a counsellor today. I'm so glad I did. I want to break the cycle. I've been referred to a clinician. I'm going to use this forum and anything else to help me be strong and not go back.

I made an observation that I've known for ages. I've desperately wanted him to say sorry and mean it. Unfortunately all I hear is "sorry but ..." I've desperately wanted him to genuinely understand what he did and fix it. But I do know that I'm not going to get these things and it's time for me to say I don't need these things any more.

I'm angry at his sister and father. He admitted the cheating to his dad and he didn't have an issue with it. His sister would never tell him his behaviour is inappropriate. I always expected they'd be shocked/upset with him; talk to him (still loving him and showing him compassion) but I know they won't. Blood is thicker than water and all that.

There's just one point you make that I disagree with - I will never date more than one person at once. It's not fair to them. It will also prevent them from being their true selves with me. Anyone that would be okay with me dating more than one person isn't for me. I wouldn't want it in return and I don't want to be that person. I am okay alone. I don't need someone - I want someone. I want happy times and memories together. I want it to happen when I'm better. I'm sadly a bit of a train wreck at the moment. I don't imagine I'm much fun to be with either. But I will be.

Thanks for the resources.

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

Sophie_M — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 04:42:19 GMT

Hi leapfrog,

We can hear this person has caused you a lot of pain. Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums.

In a relationship, you should always be communicated with and treated with respect, and no one should ever use violence against you. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect about everything that's been going on for you, they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome

It sounds like it's really having a huge impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.

It can be really helpful to practice self-care after experiences like this. We know it's not always easy when you're going through it, but it could be helpful to think of a few things you enjoy doing and scheduling them in. There's some ideas here, on a lovely thread named "Three self-care things you did today".

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. If you’d like to share a bit more here about how you’ve been feeling, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

Ggrand — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 05:01:38 GMT

Hello Dear leapfrog,

I am really so sorry that you are going this that....you don’t deserve this at all....He has physically assaulted you and that is a criminal offence...not only that, if he thinks he got away with it...he might just try that again...and I’m really concerned about your safety....I’m praying that he doesn’t and that you keep yourself safe....and if at all possible away from him...

He sounds like a very greedy person....sorry for being judgmental towards him...it’s just that I’ve been through domestic violence for 38 years and know how they can manipulate you into thinking that you are the blame for their actions....You are not...he knows what he is doing is wrong and how it’s hurting you...yet he continues...You are so right in saying he will never change....because how he is now....is exactly how he always has been, is now and will continue to be...

You are very important, you need to keep yourself safe...care for yourself and do what you need to do to protect yourself...

Our lovely Sophie has given you some really helpful contacts...Please Dear leapfrog, don’t hesitate to use those contacts if you need to...

My kindest thoughts with my care lovely lady..

Grandy...l

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 05:07:30 GMT

Thanks Sophie.

The counsellor told me similar things - specifically about 1800 Respect.

It felt so good to tell her what was happening and how I was feeling. I've been bottling it up because there was no one to tell. I don't want to tell my friends - for two reason - first, he and I have had time apart (usually a week) and then he'd come back, so I didn't want my friends to treat him badly and second, I do feel ashamed of how he's treated me - how do you tell your friends that your boyfriend of three years has cheated on you more than 30 times and he down plays it and blames me for it?

He hates me using the word "blame" - he feels it's too black and white. If I'd resolved our conflicts better he wouldn't leave and cheat. If I didn't get angry he'd feel safe enough to stay.

Our conflicts are always about me not coping. There's never been a three month period in our relationship where he hasn't cheated. As it nears the three month mark, I start to freak out - why is he on his phone so much? Why is there a password on his computer? Why does he hide what's on his screen?

At the beginning I trusted and look where it got me. He was in a relationship with a young woman and now it looks like there was more than one.

Something always cuts me - it was about two months into our relationship. He came over to see me at home at lunchtime (I was working from home). We were intimate and he looked into my eyes and said "I'm starting to fall in love with you." That same day, only hours later, he went home and was intimate with another person. I still cry when I think of it. I feel pain just writing this. I feel sick in the tummy. How messed up is this?

There are many memories that are tainted. Him texting her while we were on a date.

He was dating someone else not long before that and he couldn't let her go either. He still had her pics on tap.

I've always said that regardless of whether he stays or leaves he has to choose to be committed to this relationship. That's what will never change. He's not committed to me.

He finds it easier to leave and use other women for a few days before coming back. He's a user. I do know this.

Sadly, I think deep down he knows he uses them. He lies to himself probably as much as he lies to me. He certainly is lying to his friends. He attends AA meetings and then goes back to his parents home (where he's staying) and drinks.

Lying is so common it happens naturally.

I feel ashamed writing this and that's good.

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 05:31:11 GMT

Thank you so much.

I honestly think that what I really need for the time being is a distraction. I know that's not a solution but I need time away from the routine of him in my life. He left on Thursday and I've had very little contact with him since that time. He asked me to leave a belt in the letterbox and I've done so. Next weekend he will collect all his things and that, I hope, is the last of it.

Six days of him being gone isn't enough distance but six more days, then six weeks and I'll be okay. I just have to know that picking up my phone or responding to his messages resolves nothing and simply prolongs the conflict. I need to move forward without him. I need to grieve the relationship, knowing it's not good for either of us.

I know the assault was criminal - I know. I am in no way excusing it. I will say that he's not typically violent. He doesn't cope with life and he treats people disgustingly at times but he's not a typically violent individual. I am safe and he won't assault me again.

There's a good chance I won't be in a room alone with him again in any event. I'm definitely safe. Thank you.

He is definitely greedy. I've said to him before that we don't have necessary balance - I give and he takes, in all aspects. He's incredibly selfish but more than that he lacks the ability to take responsibility for his actions. Blaming me for his cheating is just ridiculous. It's funny - he once said to me that no matter what he does, if I get angry that's on me - I can control that. But he can't keep his pants on!

As crazy as this sounds, I'll still love him just a little - but I want to do that from a distance.

I think that's what I need help with for now - remaining at a distance.

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

Ggrand — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 07:01:24 GMT

Hello Dear leapfrog,

Thank you so much for letting me know you’re safe and not in his company anymore...

It doesn’t sound crazy at all...you still loving him...I survived 38 years of hell.....yet I cried so hard when he passed away...I never stopped loving him....and never will....and at times miss him (his rare good self) so much..

i really do hope so much you can move forward...you are a beautiful person that has struggled with so much heartache and hurt...He didn’t change that part of you....You are an inspiration to a lot of people listening in to your story...

Here anytime you need to talk, sometimes just talking and getting it all out of your head and knowing we are not alone does help us with our recovery...You are not alone lovely leapfrog...We are all here to help you the best we can..,

My kindest thoughts with my care...

Grandy..

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

white knight — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 08:27:46 GMT

Honestly, I could never date more than one person at a time when I did date.

I'm pleased you're seeing a counsellor.

There is plenty of support here.

Google- beyondblue topic distraction and variety

TonyWK

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 08:41:06 GMT

Do you know what I'm really struggling with tonight?

I know he's selfish, I know he's a user, I know he disrespects himself and most of all disrespects all women - on more than one occasion he's referred to women and mentioned that they take advantage of his kind nature. And yet I'm sad thinking that he's talking to someone else tonight, sharing intimate pictures with someone else tonight.

His lies just never ever stopped. You would think that I could just focus on those and not care who he's with tonight but it still hurts. The amount of disrespect he's shown me hurts.

He has always made me feel like I am not enough and instead of walking away, I just tried to be more, better... amazing. All that's done is made me feel low.

I so hope that 2022 will end on a high. I want to feel carefree again and smile large.

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

Ggrand — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 09:26:30 GMT

Hi Dear leapfrog,

I think I can understand what your feeling...my husband I will admit never really cheated on me...He was addicted to porn though and would spend hours and hours watching it...can’t say on here, just how that made me feel...but I’m thinking somewhat how you’re feeling..

I think, that you are in a way missing his company...your alone now, that’s a new and strange situation for you, I mean you have been together 3.5 years now, you would be so used to his company that your missing it...The arguments and interactions you you had with him....are no longer a part of your daily life....So now your thinking about what he’s up to with other people...I think it might be a part of grieving your separation....

Awe leapfrog, yes it does hurt and I’m deeply sorry your hurting so much....I wish I could make it easier for you...hugs beautiful lady...🤗.

Try hard to remember that you are more then enough, you are so much worthy of a life filled with lots of happiness and peace...he won’t and can’t give you that...nor can he give it anyone else because he cares only for himself....

In time, and it will probably take a while...you will feel much better within yourself...and be happy and content with your decision to seperate...with your new life away from his lies etc....it’s early days yet...I know that you will get through this...you are a very wise person, you reached out for help and are seeing a councillor.... you have a want..for a better life... your trying so hard to grab hold of that.... I have a lot of belief in you....that you will find it...

Talk here anytime...for me writing things out on here, helps to get it out of my head...

Kind thoughts and care,

Grandy..

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 09:55:55 GMT

He's addicted to adult content too. But he choses adult content from Reddit so he can reach out to the girls he's watching and try to start something privately between them. It was heartbreaking reading some of the messages he'd sent to these girls; young girls.

His other choice of adult content is pictures he keeps of previous girlfriends. Some are of his girlfriend directly after uni. He's saved them and backed them up for years. He likes putting them on USB sticks, thinking it's fun to watch them on the TV.

Once, when he was at a real low, around the time he assaulted me, he threatened to put images of me online. Some of these images I didn't even know he'd taken. I remember being terrified at the time.

It's so important for me to write this and for people to be able to read it. I'm ashamed; deeply ashamed of what I've tolerated. How did I let him do this to me and I didn't leave? I've justified his behaviour and made many excuses for him so many times. His marriage was horrible. She took his kids overseas and he has little contact with them. It caused him to have a breakdown, I got really angry at him for cheating on me etc. He's going to get the alcoholism under control and it'll be better.

But the reality is that it will never be better. He doesn't respect himself. He doesn't respect me and as much as he thinks and says he loves me; he can't because you don't treat someone you love like he has treated me.

I excel in my career, I'm well respected and regarded. I have great friends (whom I've mostly hidden these things from - no one knows the full story). I don't need his support financially. I don't need him to raise my children. Yet look at what I've tolerated. Look at how I've disrespected myself. Sometimes I cry in the shower. I once started crying on the bus - for no real reason.

I need to fix this. I need to return to the person I was. I need to be a better parent to my kids. I need to be brave and not go back.

Thank you for just reading my rants. Thank you for the replies. I'm more grateful than you know.

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

white knight — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 10:03:53 GMT

I can't help feel Leapfrog, that your persistence with this man is more a reflection on your own shortcomings and I'm worried that you aren't looking after yourself enough, self protection.

I'm no therapist, however this guy is consistently a cheater but you still show anger and stayed with him far too long, why?

It's a question you might be asking yourself and likely need help to move on.

I hope you are OK, it's an emotional time.

TonyWK

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 10:28:09 GMT

Tony, it's an excellent question. It's something I've spoken about with psychologists. I saw a wonderful psychologist about three years ago when I found out for the first time that he'd been cheating on me. She asked me if I was trying to save him.

If I'm really honest, the answer is yes. At the time I didn't agree and I tried to explain to her that he was a good man underneath it all.

You see, he's sober when he's with me - 100% sober. He just doesn't need alcohol when we're together. I took pride in that (perhaps I still do). The moment he leaves me, which is often, he drinks. He goes to his parents home and drinks. The drinking leads to cheating and really poor decision making.

I always imagined he'd be sober and we'd finally get the help of a psychologist and he could deal with what he'd done, genuinely understand the deep hurt he'd caused and take responsibility for it. There have been glimmers of this - him genuinely understanding and accepting what he's done and taking responsibility. He talks about making an amends.

But it never lasts. Like on Thursday. At the end of November he left me because I wanted to watch a movie with him. He ranted about his ex-wife for a bit and then left. I told him that if he left, he shouldn't come back. He left anyway. A week later he slept with a woman he met online - met her once, didn't use protection. Then he came back but didn't tell me about her for a while.

When he did, he did so on the basis that HE took full responsibility.

On Thursday that changed - it was my fault because I goaded him into it. There's always an excuse. ALWAYS. He tells me that excuse when he's lost control. And they're the times where I realise there's no hope of him changing. I genuinely believe that if he can't take responsibility properly, he'll just keep doing it.

I said to him, in 3.5 years, we've both faced problems - he freaks out and leaves, isn't committed to the relationship and I'm angry (really angry) that's he's left me again and I have to explain to family/friends that he's abandoned me again - yet never have I gone and slept with someone else (with the exception of a new relationship I'd formed with someone, three months after we'd broken up). He was seeing a married woman at the time. It's always him that has a "whoopsie" moment.

This may sound odd but I feel like a failure but I've always been someone who doesn't fail. It's hard accepting I'm a failure.

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

white knight — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 12:38:52 GMT

Well a failure you're not.

He seems to be gaslughting, blaming you for goading him so your fault he has sex with someone else. Laughable really. This is behaviour of a man that knows you very well.

A comparison my MIL had a gambler for a partner. He wanted her to mortgage her home to "do renovations". She did, he gambled $80,000. But "it's your fault for making me sad and hard to cope with you having Parkinsons disease" he claimed. He mentioned it in arguing so much in a 2 week time frame that she ended up saying to me "maybe he's right, maybe I drove him to it".

Logic is over run by emotional pressure so you doubt yourself. In your case you are taking on the responsibility of his shortfalls but they are his, not yours.

I knew a lady that was beaten regularly by her male partner but never left him. No one could convince her to leave.

From reading your posts I feel you deserve much better but like the lady above, you must find your strength to break away and there is only one person that can do that...

TonyWK

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

geoff — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 16:05:34 GMT

Hello Leapfrog, much has been said by yourself, Grandy, Tony and Sophie that's how much this topic is alive and always will be.

This partner may not drink when you're with him, but give or take a few weeks, it may start again and who knows whether or not he goes to AA, on his record, could you ever trust him, especially when he texts other girls when you aren't looking, and by doing this only gives him more confidence knowing he has you as well as this other person online.

A reason you might take him back is believing that he will change his habits and only be with you and no one else.

Don't let him take advantage of staying at your house, it's only providing him accommodation while he sets up other housing, so when he has a disagreement with one person, then he can go to his 'other house'.

This partner is not going to change, no matter what he says, a person has to prove their trust and honesty but he has not proved any of this.

It's not easy to move on after being constantly cheated on but now you have learned so much and can pick up any red flags that may be appearing.

If you can, change your locks and if need be see if you can place an AVO on him.

Hope you can continue.

My best.

Geoff. x

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 21:33:59 GMT

Thank you to yourself and everyone who has written to me over the last 24hours. Today I have a funeral to go to. My grandmother made it to 100 and today we let her rest. I'll be surrounded by people I haven't seen in a long time. I'll be busy and that's excellent.

I've made plans to fill my evenings. This is important as it's what will stop me being tempted to change my mind.

I know he's never going to change. The counsellor spoke with me yesterday about a form of abuse I've never known. It never occurred to me that his threats to leave, followed by his leaving were abuse and his way to control me. I have much research to do.

Geoff, there's been much gaslighting. He has always said it's me that gaslights him but I had no idea what he meant. I can see that he does gaslight me. It's been almost 3years since I found out about his first affair and he's never properly addressed it. He never worked to re-build the trust. Instead he left, cheated and blamed me. It was my getting angry (usually about his original affairs) that meant he "didn't feel safe to stay." He says that I'm "bashing" him. What he's referring to is me explaining how his actions made him feel - that's what he calls a bashing. My need for him to take full responsibility for what he did without there having to be a part that I played in it, is what he calls a bashing. He always wants me to say that he wouldn't have cheated if it wasn't for my actions. He's obsessed with this really. It always comes back to this.

Last week he said "this counsellor, do you think she will sit there and blame me for everything?" and I responded "I'd be floored if this counsellor didn't say what the others have said - you (and only you) have a responsibility to rebuild the trust." He just doesn't believe it.

We saw this psychologist for a while. She was great. Balanced, firm, understanding. It worked well for a few sessions, then she said the horribilest thing to him "[name] you're not listening to [me]." He absolutely lost it with her at this. I still hear about it today. He sent her emails of abuse for a while. I was so embarrassed. He doesn't listen to me. He says he's listening but really he's trying to work out how it's my fault.

Just for full disclosure - I've never once hit him. Never. I don't hit anyone.

We were due to see a couples counsellor but we cancelled our appointment. I booked it because he said he wanted us to go then changed his mind. He's since left and I'm building my strength.

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

geoff — Thu, 03 Mar 2022 19:49:03 GMT

Hello Leapfrog, I hope your wonderful grandmother is laid to rest, knowing she had made it to the perfect 100, a beautiful age to be farewelled and there must be many memories for you to write down, only if that's what you want to do.

To experience what your partner is trying to accuse you of is something you only want to forget about, but take the time you need, you have much to do in the meantime, and wish you all the best.

Geoff. x

Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

leapfrog — Thu, 03 Mar 2022 20:59:45 GMT

Hi Geoff,

I saw him briefly yesterday and I feel thrown. I even got into a text discussion (of sorts). He's saying things like "I never blamed you," they were words in anger and not meant. He said he knew he had mental health issues and he wasn't perfect but he's on top of that now and not doing anything wrong.

He's annoyed at me for looking through his personal messages on his Reddit account to find his messages to these young girls.

This kind of stuff throws me because I accept it's not right to snoop on people. I didn't snoop on him at the beginning. I became different once I found out about his affair. I don't have trust in him. Equally, I don't like the person I've become. I feel like I've lost perspective.

Interestingly, there was a period, mid last year, where I felt I could trust him just based on the change in his language and attitude. He was taking responsibility, saying things like he felt like a horrible person for how many times he'd cheated on me. It felt like there was a chance at something healthy because he understood but then he went and slept with someone else.

There's always a "whoopsie" and I have to remember that when I hear his justifications.

I know that even if I was to forgive and take him back again (after HE left me - again) it would just happen again on repeat.

I'm grateful for this group and my friends. While I can't tell my friends what's going on, I can spend time with them and smile.