topic Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse in Welcome and orientation

Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Thu, 14 Sep 2023 02:54:47 GMT

Hi everyone hope you are doing OK. I have been in a narrcistic relationship for 30 years and am now divorced. Anyone who can help me get over this, and to help me stop thinking about all the things my ex has and is still doing to me, what be helpful. People don't believe me, as my ex is so good at convincing people I'm,crazy. My head won't stop, and I'm at the end of my tether.

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Croix — Thu, 14 Sep 2023 12:18:36 GMT

Dear Cat15~

This first thing I'd like to do is express my admiration you were able to divorce this person. There are so many who have so little confidence left they simply can't.

It takes a long time to recover from 30 years of living with someone who has been constantly mentally injuring you, telling you things were your fault - when they were not. Blowing hot and cold, reserving all the charm and niceness for those outside so they would side with them and not you

Also if they were typical they would have amassed as much money and property as they could for htemsleves at your expense.

It's a bit of a failure in human nature that if one is treated badly by somone that should be expected to look after you then you start to believe all the lies and come to doubt yourself.

So I guess the time has come to help yourself believe in yourself, to recognize the strength and determination in you to keep going when the divorce became difficult.

I don't know you well enough to make suggestions that will fit, it could be anything from employment you are good at to learning music -whatever you think.

I'd like to ask if you facing all this on your own? To do so is extra hard. Is there anyone you can lean on at all, not to 'fix' anything, but just listen and care?

I hope to hear from you again if you'd like

Croix

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Ggrand — Fri, 15 Sep 2023 01:05:13 GMT

Hello Dear cat15…

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums…

I’m m deeply sorry that this has happened to you….my heart goes out to you, I was married to a very physically and mentally abusive narcissistic man for 38 years….he passed away 10 years ago and I’m still struggling with my mental health due to all I went through.….PTSD, depression and anxiety…you are not alone dear sweet cat15….no one would believe my husband was anything but a good person….trouble is that only we know what goes on behind our closed doors….

Our dear Croix is right…..It does take a long time to heal from the constant mental abuse that’s been a part of your life for 30 years….We have to unlearn all the negative words that we believed when they had been constantly thrown at us by the one person who should have been caring and loving towards us…I needed professional help for many years to help me with the constant memories of what I survived….Is talking to your GP….about your thoughts and feelings something you might consider?….I learnt that narcissist people down others so much that they make us depended on them for everything because we are made to feel useless and we loose all our confidence….in our day to day lives…

I think you’re so very brave, leaving him…I was too afraid to do that…I have a huge amount of respect for you….No one that knew my husband

You’re a survivor Cat, unfortunately some don’t survive abusive marriages…the thing is to now try hard to stay strong within yourself, know that you are a beautiful and intelligent person, who’s capable of doing anything you want to do….

He has taken 30 years of happiness out of your life….as hard as it’s going to be…Don’t let him take another second away from you….I still get triggered back to my past memories, go down that dark tunnel very often but I try hard to distract those thoughts and feelings by listening and singing along to a song I know…..or anything else that requires my mind to be 100% distracted from anything else other then what I’m doing….

The things he did and still is doing to you is wrong, so wrong….he doesn’t deserve you at all, we all deserve peace and happiness in our lives and I hope that in time you will find some…

Thinking of you Dear Cat, with care and kindness….Please talk here anytime you feel up to it…we are here for you when we can be with our support and care..

Grandy..

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 01:05:35 GMT

Thank you, I dont consider myself brave, but thank you, and if it's OK I would like to talk, only when it is ok for you. I dont want to tke up your time as you have been through hell as well. Sorry to disturb you. Cat

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 01:06:57 GMT

Thank you, for your kindness, ther is so much to say I do t know where to start, but knowing I'm not alone is a form of,comfort to me, thank you. Cat

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Ggrand — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 10:06:39 GMT

Hello Dear cat,

Awe sweetheart, your not taking up my time at all….I volunteered here to try to help when I can….I am around most days and post when I’m feeling okay to too…

When I get triggered back in time….I struggle a lot but found that mindfulnes helps a lot…picking up something and really concentrate on everything about it, the texture, colours, shape, even how it smells….at night I listen to sleep stories every night when I lay in bed ready for sleep….they are gently spoken stories of beautiful places to visit…

I made a thread a few years back called….Grounding yourself, what is it and how do we….maybe if you feel up to searching the title and reading a bit, it might give you some ideas on how best to ground yourself when those horrible memories pop into your head space….feel free to contribute or ask questions on the thread if you feel up to it…

Kind thoughts..

Grandy

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 00:11:05 GMT

Thank you for listening I don't know where to start, I,am just grateful,that someone is prepared to listen, and understands that this is real. I can't seem to get help, all the places in my town don't seem to have anyone to help me, they don't return calls, they say they will call me each week, just to check in with me but they don't. I have been on a waiting list for one appointment with a physiologist. They said a 3 month wait, and it's been nearly a year. I did speak to a,counsellor for one appointment and they didnt listen, and told me to write one happy thought in a book each day. I'm at my end now, I'm going through a nasty settlement with my exhusband. The things he is telling his lawyer are not true and I'm made out to,be crazy. It's so true, if you try to hit ack at a narcissist, they come a t you like hell. I'm sorry to lay it on you, but am grateful for your help. Cat

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 00:14:11 GMT

Thank you for replying back to me, and giving me your time, especially since you have been through this as well, and willing to talk to me about it. It must be hard for you to talk about it as it will bring up horrible memories for you. That's brave thank you, Cat

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Croix — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 11:38:07 GMT

Dear Cat15~

It is not a question of your taking up Grandy or mine or anyone else's time, not only are you welcome, but in fact we benefit too. To see another peron who is in a familiar situation and has gone so far as to divorce - there so much encouragement there in your action.

I don't care if you don't regard it as brave, unusual or a matter of strenght. For us looking in we know it is. We also know the tricks a narcissist plays, telling untruths about you, presenting as Mr Perfect to the inexpediency, controlling all the time - and all the rest.

I am sure there will be a lot of neglect by the services that should help you, and it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking you are low priority or seen as less important. That simply is not the case - you deserve the best of treatment and - although it may be hard and cause you worry both before and after - please keep chasing them on the phone or in person, weekly at least.

Please don't let yourself be neglected, the more you push now the more chance in later years you will look back on yourself with favor.

Croix

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Ggrand — Mon, 26 Feb 2024 08:13:16 GMT

Hello Dear cat,

I also live in a tiny village and the closest town to me is classified as a small country town…I found it very hard to get any sort of help for a while, then I found a good Dr, who set up a mental health care plan for me….unfortunately that psychologist really triggered me when she hit on the physical and sexual abuse, I stopped going to her then got really mentally sick and had to be hospitalised for around 6 weeks, that’s when my help started to surface…My Dr. received a request from the hospital’s psychiatrists to set up a victim’s counsellor for me…which really helped me to understand a bit about my triggers and how I can better cope when they pop up…..It’s hard, and some times I can’t get out of my triggered ptsd downer and stay in deep depression for weeks, other times I do better and can surface in a few days…

I can relate to him making you seem crazy, to everyone else that knew or associated with my husband, he was a good man who wouldn’t hurt a fly…his friends are none the wiser, I let them remember him the way they knew him…they didn’t need to know what went on behind closed doors….I remember once I stood up for myself, that was enough for me…I learned very quickly to keep my mouth closed, eyes closed and my soul shut off to any emotions when he was around….definitely “hitting back” is just not worth it…as you said..they come at you like hell….

I was told to start a journal, but I couldn’t do that…at the end of the day I do find things to be grateful for and am now looking daily for little things that….gives me a feeling of peace, happiness, joy etc…just little things….Their are a couple of threads on here to write these things out…”Three things to be thankful for”…..and “Did you see,h ear or do something that made you feel some happiness today”… ..I know you might not believe it…but it does help to write out and/or read the posts on their….some are really heartwarming, which helps distract those horrible thoughts going around in my head…maybe it might help you, even a little…

Please, look after yourself sweet cat,

Kind thoughts,

Grandy..

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Tue, 27 Feb 2024 00:22:31 GMT

Thank you Croix, I have continued to contact weekly. They said they would check on me each week, but they don't. I sound like I'm complaining but I have tried everywhere, they just tell me I'm,on a waiting list. My exhusband isn't replying to my lawyers letters, and now I only have 6 weeks to,settle, which is just adding to my stress. I can't seem to do anything or get anywhere. I know I have got worse as I am starting to neglect the house, I just can't be bothered anymore, I also have bad knees which dosent help. I try to keep busy but my head just won't stop spinning. I'm so sorry for going on about it. Thank you,for listening. Cat

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Tue, 27 Feb 2024 00:26:18 GMT

My doctor has put me on a mental health plan, so I can get a free physiologist session. It will only be one as they have said that they will try to resolve my issue as much as they can in that one session. That makes me laugh, because if they can solve most of your problems in one appointment, why are people in therapy for years. Sounds bitter, but you can't possibly do that. I know there is a lack of help, but I don't know where to,go. Thank you for listening I hope you are well. Cat.

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Croix — Tue, 27 Feb 2024 11:21:05 GMT

Dear Cat~

Yur husband will not have changed, and he trick of not answering your lawyer's letters is exactly as you would expect -make things as difficult as possible. The difference is now he is doing it from a distance, not while living with you.

I know you can ask your lawyer what to do about this, and maybe there is some sort of solution. The hard part is how wearing it is on you. Look at it this way he has spent thirty years trying to control you and put you down, yet he has not succeeded, you want a divorce, know the tricks he plays to appear perfect, yet you keep on going.

That is something in a less stressed moment you wil realise is a victory. Yes I know it does not seem like one now, I felt much the same about my illness not being caused by me but caused by my work, now I know I managed to get by and then improve.

When you see the psychologist may I suggest you ask before you attend the appointment about the gap fee, it can come as a surprise afterwards.

You are right, one visit will not solve all hte problems, in my case one visit was used to try to make me able ot cope wiht everything htat was wrong, and it came wiht strategies like talking to others, giving yourrself a daily treat of an evening, mindfulness exercise and more.

While the things that help you cope may be very different I found the fact that visit was practical - not an examination and therapy - made it useful. If the psych cannot give what you need, then you need another psych/councilor.

While you may have done these anyway I'll put them down in case there is one or two you have not tried.

1800RESPECT

who have a lot of resources, some counceling and may be able to point out services you need

Black Dog Institute

Who have a national list by state/territory of support groups dealing wiht anxiety and depression, something you may need in your situation

Our own 24/7 Help Line wiht councilors who may perhaps be able to indicated services or support groups in your area who are not overwhelmed and offer techniques to help you cope

The hardest part sometimes in such circumstances can be how you feel about yourself, I think you are managing all this better than many (even if you don't at the moment).

You know we will always welcome you here

Croix

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Wed, 28 Feb 2024 01:08:13 GMT

Thank you, I had a phone call on Tuesday to say I have my appointment with a physiologist. I talked to my lawyer about my exhusband not replying to her letters. I just don't understand how someone who was supposed to of loved me is doing this to me. It is control, when I realised what he was doing to me with his controlling ways, I stopped doing everything for him, I did t allow myself to be a doormat anymore, and this is when it really started to get bad. It's not like we were constantly fighting, I yelled because he wouldn't listen he would just walk away leaving me frustrated and confused. Now I'm the abuser and the crazy person. He has cut me of a lot,financially, with hardly any money and I'm,about to,one my house because I can't get a mortgage and he knows that. The letter I got from his lawyer was so nasty, and that wasn't meant to be sent apparently, and he has somehow blamed me for that as well. Blaming me for things that are out of my control. If only I knew what narrcism was years ago, I,would of seen the signs, my mother is one as well, and treats me so bad, that I have cut ties with her. I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, as they say. I can't see a way through this, and am so mad at myself, for not noticing what was going on. Hopefully my psychologist can help me. Thank you for listening. Cat

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Croix — Wed, 28 Feb 2024 11:25:38 GMT

Dear Cat~

Just at the moment is probably as difficult as it gets, money worries, lawyer to deal with, decisions over posssible embattlements, uncertainty of the future and someone who once lied they loved you doing their very best to drag you down.

In the future this will be a past episode you have weathered.

You are a sensible person who decided not to be a door-mat. Others have taken the same step and found similar difficulties. If you can get together wiht people such as yourself it may make things better. Having to discover everything for yourself is very hard.

I'm sorry your mother is no support but the opposite, however at least you can see what she is and is not giving in.

Croix

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Thu, 29 Feb 2024 00:46:54 GMT

Thank you for listening, cutting my mother out of my life was a good thing to,do for my own mental health. I am trying to keep going. It's hard to get over knowing that it was all lies. Maybe I'm to sensitive like he kept saying. At least I have a heart, and that's what I keep telling myself. Thank you for listening again. Cat

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Croix — Thu, 29 Feb 2024 10:55:27 GMT

Dear Cat~

Rather than wondering if you are 'too sensitive' - a label given to you by somebody you know has your worst interests at heart. Try looking at it as if it was being hurt physically, you would get bruised, and the more times you were hurt the more bruised you would get. So it is not undue sensibility on your part but the repeated cruel actions of others.

You do not deserve to doubt yourself

Croix

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

cat15 — Fri, 01 Mar 2024 00:13:15 GMT

Thank you, my exhusband asked me what empathy was once, and I told him, he didn't understand it. Should of been a sign, I just don't understand why people are like this. Do they know what there doing? And just don't care. I know it's a mental illness, but surely people know, not to treat people that way. They accuse you of being everything, that they are themselves. Such good manipulators, and playing the victim. I'm sure they know what they do, a friend of his told,him once that you always get what you want, his reply, yes I,do what's wrong with that. Always said deny everything and blame someone or something else. He said it jokingly but he was dead right that's what he did. It just makes it harder, because he basically showed me what he was like from the beginning, by saying it, and I just didn't see it. I was about 21 and should of known better. He showed me love, and that's what probably blinded me, but the signs were there fro0m the start, so why didn't I end it before it began. I had a feeling in my tummy that it wasn't right, so it's my fault, I just don't understand why I didn't say anything from the beginning. I,am,so,sorry for ranting and taking up all,of your time. Cat.

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Ggrand — Fri, 01 Mar 2024 01:45:07 GMT

Hello Dear cat,

Its not fault that you didn’t see the signs..(red flags)…they hide things so well, until they have you where they want you to be..then it’s to late for us because we are now questioning ourselves because we have started believing everything that they say to us…

He also showed me love and care….until we married…

Please sweet car, never ever blame yourself for falling into his trap…whether 18 like I was and looking for an escape from my abusive parents and brother, or 21 feeling loved for once or even 30, 40, 50 and 60 anyone can fall victim to narcissistic people…because they can manipulate then control anyone with a gentle caring heart…

Look after you beautiful self dear cat, don’t be hard on yourself and give yourself compassion and care, because you deserve it so much..

Kind thoughts with a gentle hug sweet cat..

Grandy..

Re: Getting over narcisstic abuse

Croix — Fri, 01 Mar 2024 11:25:50 GMT

Dear Cat~

People tend to look on other people as being the same as themselves, and expect them to act in much the same way as they would. It comes as complete shock to find there are others in the world who are so difficult it is not really possible ot understand them

Your ex said it perfectly " you always get what you want, his reply, yes I,do what's wrong with that. Always said deny everything and blame someone or something else."

A sense of entitlement, laced wiht a sense of cruelty. There is no arguing with them, I think it is built-in, they regard the universe as consisting just for them and nobody else counts. Empathy is a foreign concept and of no importance ot them.

It is not surprising you were fooled, they are master at deception and seem to have an instinct for what buttons to press.

You have seen though all that to the real person underneath, a huge achievement. The fact you did not realise all this straight away is no fault of yours, you were manipulated and deceived. Under those circumstances how could you not have felt love?

I do have the feeling that the sweetness of another person's initial love and then treating them badly so they break down are all part of thier enjoyment.

Croix