topic Re: Struggling Alone in Welcome and orientation

Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Sun, 14 Jan 2024 16:45:32 GMT

Hi,

Poor decisions and behaviours (poverty thinking/undiagnosed mental health condition?), led to the end of my marriage twelve years ago.

Today, I am unemployed, have no family or friends and have lost all interest in life. I haven't left the house for six months and spend most days in bed.

I grieve the loss of my family every moment of the day. It is inconceivable to me to think there can be happiness and joy again.

Job Seeker just covers my mortgage and expenses and I am increasingly unable to keep a job. I have not worked since Sept 2023.

I called the suicide line a few hours ago but was put on hold for a long time, which is when I came to this forum.

While it is comforting to be amongst people with shared experiences, it doesn't alter the harsh reality of my life nor resolve present, concerning issues.

I am 55, have two degrees, had a perfect life, and now I am at great risk of adding to the growing statistic of homeless middle-aged women, if I live that long. I hope everyday I will die and have abused alcohol, cannabis and food as a slow form of suicide. I hope I will just collapse one day and it will all be over.

I was on anti-depressants at the time of my divorce and seeing a clinical psychologist. Neither helped. I just don't have confidence anything or anyone can lift me from this living tomb.

OMD.

Re: Struggling Alone

indigo22 — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 03:11:52 GMT

Hi OMD,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so sorry to hear how low you are feeling at present, I have been there myself and I know it is not easy to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is so difficult navigating life under those conditions.

You said that you had tried antidepressants, sometimes you need to try a couple of different ones to find what type works best for you. Do you have a good GP you can talk to, via telehealth if necessary? It may also be that the therapist you were seeing was not a good fit for you, could you perhaps try someone new? Life is not meant to be unbearable so if there is anything you can do to improve things, you owe it to yourself to try.

If you would like to continue this conversation, please feel free to do so. You are not alone, we will be here for you.

Take care,

indigo

Re: Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 06:00:18 GMT

Thank you Indigo,

My GP resigned a few years ago and to tell you the truth, I don't think she was very good. I have become cynical about GP services which are seriously lacking in genuine understanding, care and basically, knowledge - "scriptologists" - in my opinion. Last year I connected with a GP who prescribed medicinal cannabis and I have to say, it certainly sorts my depression and mood out, but have gone even more backward financially and socially as the stigma ostracised me, so I no longer take it which is and isn't good. Medicinal cannabis is the best drug out there in my opinion, but the cost and social issues are a big price to pay. I like it because it's natural, easier to metabolise, and it makes me feel fantastic, but there's a big price to pay until costs come down and cannabis is more accepted in the community. A shame society can be so backward.

I tried a medication many years ago and hated it, made things worse I think. I am hesitant about pharmaceuticals and their nasty side effects.

The clinical psyche I was seeing at the time of my divorce was not overly effective other than to let me rant about myself for an hour - I find this with all the practitioners I've seen. Even the people on the other end of Lifeline and Beyond Blue can only direct you to a website - no concrete solutions. These forums have lifted the burden more than anything has, so thank you.

How long did it take you to find the right mix of gp and pharma Indigo? That's another thing, I do not want to be chained to the health system whereby my life become appointments and drugs.

I just need a job I can fit in with and stay with, or win lotto to take the financial pressure off. Without financial pressure, in my opinion, we would have far less mental health issues in the community. Money is a big one I think.

Anyway, it's great to be able to get it all out there, lighten the load a bit. Still, a long way to go.

Take care.

OMD.

Re: Struggling Alone

indigo22 — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 07:30:08 GMT

Hi again,

It really is a shame that something that does help you is financially just out of reach for you. It is also a shame that people can be so narrow minded and judgemental about things they have no knowledge of.

The stigma with mental health is not as bad these days but it still has a long way to go. I have been dealing with Dysthymia and Major Depression since I was about 12 (now 63) and back then no one even recognised the signs, let alone want to talk about mental health. I was not diagnosed until I was in my 40s, by that time it was becoming chronic. The first GP I saw tried me on an antidepressant, but it just made me stare into space. A different doctor at the same clinic suggested a different one, I was no longer staring into space but it still wasn't really helping. A friend suggested his GP who had done some additional studies in mental health and had a good understanding of it. He put me on the antidepressant I am now on, and have been on for about 16 years. There are a couple of minor side effects but nothing I can't live with. At the same time I was seeing a social worker when needed who helped a great deal, I was able to work through a lot with her over about 10 years. The difference with a social worker is that they also take environment into account with mental health, not just the psychological aspects. They can also be more affordable for people who are struggling financially.

I ended up moving to a new location and dreaded the idea of having to change to a different practitioner, but I have been really fortunate to find a GP who actually listens to me and takes the time to explain things when I ask questions. I was also able to find a psychotherapist that I am very comfortable with, she is very helpful and I am seeing her once a month.

I think you have probably been put off by medical practitioners that don't have a lot of experience with mental health. Could I suggest perhaps ringing around your local area and surrounding areas to find a GP with a background in mental health. Then try to find a therapist you feel comfortable with, who also has some tools to help you rather than just talk therapy (nothing wrong with talk therapy, but it sounds like you would like more).

There is help out there, sometimes you need to look under rocks to find it, but it is there.

You are welcome to offload anytime here, we all do it when needed.

I hope you find your way out of the black hole soon 💜

indigo

Re: Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 00:20:20 GMT

Thank you Indigo22 for your time and insights and well done for pursuing and finding the right combination of supports to help you, and for sharing your journey. It's really helping having support like this. I really appreciate it.

OMD.

Re: Struggling Alone

randomxx — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 01:05:04 GMT

Hi op and sorry to hear about things.

Just wondering about the medical cannabis , suppose it's not claimable then eh ?

Just one thought on all that though , lf it had that sort of improvement on your mh then a smaller amount would probably still do you very well or far better than nothing at all considering the way you've been feeling. And as you say it is natural too which is also a huge thing considering the side effects of some of the meds out there. So if you didn't have any side effects with that bc some do, then if it was me l'd find a compromise.

You can adjust to that sort of thing and train your resistance right down so that you need less and less for the same benefits. l use to use it for sleeping but when l do now l only use and need a 1/4 of what l use to need for pretty well same result l've just trained myself down.

So in your case if you could to and so to need a lot less that'd keep it far more affordable bc really, if you've found something that works in your frame and with no side effects well, that's a huge thing when it comes to depression, huge.

As far as any stigma goes well, most people wouldn't even need to know anyway and the few people close if they can't handle it then to hell with it, maybe you meet people that can.

Good luck with things anyway and all the best

Re: Struggling Alone

indigo22 — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 02:20:29 GMT

You are most welcome, glad to be of help, please let me know how you are going.

I will be here if you need help or just need to talk.

Please be gentle with yourself,

indigo

Re: Struggling Alone

YourImaginaryFriend — Sun, 28 Jan 2024 08:32:11 GMT

Hi there one more day.
Your description of your mistrust in gps and medication really resonated with me. New user, just signed up, 31y.o female going through the same shit. I think I just feel socially isolated and cynical after covid. I don’t even know what day it is sometimes and I feel myself slowly rotting away. (my stupid fault for thinking I could tackle life cold turkey). I’ve tried every anti-depressant over the years and some work but mostly just make me feel like I’m on autopilot and it’s not even me behind these eyes.
I have been a drinker and smoker but now they don’t even do it for me. Food is my current comfort also but it’s a double edged sword being fat and feeling even more ugly on the outside than you feel inside. If you ever want to reach out I’m here. Not going anywhere. Specifically can’t get off my couch. Absolutely paralysed with depression today. I haven’t brushed my hair or teeth for a week because everything is just SO MUCH EFFORT. Watching the clock tick by seems to be the only safe bet to make it through the day and do it all again tomorrow.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you made my day by being so relatable.

Re: Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Fri, 02 Feb 2024 20:02:31 GMT

Thank you for responding YourImaginaryFriend,

So sorry to hear you are paralysed with depression. It is such a trapped way to be and the smallest tasks seem impossible. Staying in bed or on the couch is safe and familiar, undemanding, soothing. It's such a waste of life, but that's what depression does. I clean my teeth to give my day purpose and it lifts my mood if even for a moment. And a shower washes away the constant thoughts, if even for a moment, even the smell of shampoo and the smoothness of my hair after washing it, is at least a good moment with no ticking clocks.

Sleep, breath, repeat and think kind, gentle thoughts.

OMD.

Re: Struggling Alone

YourImaginaryFriend — Sat, 03 Feb 2024 22:15:44 GMT

“Safe, familiar, undemanding and soothing” You hit the nail on the head there. That’s exactly what it is! I think to myself “if I don’t move, nothing bad can happen”. I even rewatch movies I have seen many times because it’s a predictable experience and you know what you’re getting and how you’re going to feel after. And it’s really just self perpetuating because yes, nothing bad happens for the day, but also nothing good. Just. Nothing. For days and weeks on end. I do identify with the feeling of showering (when I get around to it in my busy schedule..😂) and it is lovely to feel clean, but as soon as self care moments are over, I go back to being paralysed from making even basic choices and can’t make any more executive functioning calls, like where to go or what to do with my new clean state. It’s like even that shampoo and hair mask goes to waste in my eyes.
The worst part is I got a dog for company and to give me a reason to get out of bed each day. And it works-that’s where ALL my daily energy reserves go, but I’m not doing any of my life for me anymore, I’m just hyper-focusing on my dog and getting him to have the best life possible so I force myself to do beach walks and hiking when in fact I don’t really enjoy anything.. Getting through it slowly. One walk at a time. And just trying to fake my brain into thinking I’m doing something good and having some sort of positive impact on a creatures life. That’s enough purpose for me I guess.

Some door knockers from the church came to my door the other day and ignored the “do not knock” sign; (ring doorbell instead-which is out of battery- on purpose so I don’t have to interact with people) and I came to the door full of rage because said dog was going off. I blasted them for knocking as soon as I opened the door even realising who I was talking to (it could have been the police for all I knew but my mouth works faster than my brain clearly) and they said a genuine sorry and asked if there was anything they could do for me, and I just burst out crying, managed to get out a sheepish “no, thankyou” out, and closed the door quietly on them. They left a note after they were done knocking on other units and said “sorry for knocking, we hope you are ok, please reach out if you need anything” and left their mobile number.
I’m not religious but I would 100% consider joining a church if there are nice people like that out there. I felt so bad and cried more after that note. Why did I have to be so horrible to them. They were just girls my age and looked like potential friends. I have literally been screaming out for friends my whole life and they turn up on my doorstep and I can’t even act properly.

I also agree OMD that these forums have been more of a positive impact than any therapist I’ve seen lately.

So, thankyou for listening and I hope you are doing well. Sorry for going on about my stuff on YOUR post. I just needed to get that out. Thanks. And sorry.

Re: Struggling Alone

Ggrand — Sat, 03 Feb 2024 23:43:12 GMT

Hello Dear One_More_Day, YourimaginaryFriend,

I can relate to both of your journeys, staying home months at a time, feeling so alone in this big universe, unemployed, no friends, staying in bed, not showering, loosing interest in everything, ignoring people knocking on my door etc….That for me started around 11 years ago, lasted about 4 years…Then a condition of receiving centre link benefits was to do volunteer work, my job provider found a well known charity that I was able to get one day a week from….Wow was I a complete mess when I started there, not socialising with people for quite a while, I forgot how too, it took a while but I did it….fast forward till now, over the years I decided to add an extra 2 days a week to volunteer, I’m now the co ordinator for the 3 days I volunteer their…, even though I don’t have close friend from work, I love being with them and we all care about each other….and have some fun times….I guess I’m trying to say/ask..in a round a bout sort of way….if you’ve thought about doing volunteer work, to help you get out of the house and socialise with other people?…I’m now on aged pension for 2 years, don’t have to volunteer anymore…I still do, because if I stopped, it would be detrimental to my mental health….

One_More_Day, I like your user name…last year I struggled with bI lateral (2) frozen shoulders…after nearly 10 months of constant extreme pain whenever I even slightly moved my arms…I had had enough and didn’t want to be here…I kept putting it off for one more day…finally after 2 sets of cortisone injections and finally no more intense pain….I was pleased I used my “one more day” strengthening motivation at the beginning and end of each day….it got me through…and you will also get through it sweetheart…Just by you all being here, you’re helping so many people, to not feel alone…you have purpose, you have meaning and you’re very much cared for by all the beautiful people that you meet on these wonderful forums…

My kindest thoughts with care,

Grandy..

Re: Struggling Alone

YourImaginaryFriend — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 10:39:11 GMT

Hey Ggrand,

Thanks for your insight and wisdom, as someone who has been through the tunnel and come out the other side. It looks a little more hopeful. I have volunteered actually, at a lifeline and salvos. Not for any Centrelink requirements but just as a fun thing to do to help the community, and yes it feels great. I do hope to volunteer one day but using my dog as more of a therapy dog in residential aged care or hospice work. I much prefer the company of people who have been there and done it all, as it makes my problems seem so insignificant and magnifies my strengths (working legs, can climb stairs and drive a car). All the things we take for granted. It really puts things into perspective for me. I just need to save up and get a training course and pass a test before I can do that though. A lot of red tape when something like showering seems a bit too hard some days.
Wishing you all the best. 🙏

Re: Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Sun, 11 Feb 2024 13:11:39 GMT

Hi YourImaginaryFriend,

Apologies for not replying to this earlier - I get a bit lost on these threads as they seem to jump around a bit and I can't follow what's recent and what's ancient.

Isn't it funny how people are like this? How similar such sad circumstances are. I am not generally one for wallowing in self-pity or having no motivation, but for the life of me, even if I won lotto tomorrow, stepping up and getting over "this" darkness seems so unlikely and impossible. Unable to hold a thought for a long time, get organised, everything is such a mammoth task. I have never felt this hopeless before. There are heaps of things I love to do and was always pretty good at, like yoga, writing and photography. I love hiking! It frightens me to be losing the will to do any of it. Even my appearance has changed, I look defeated. Yes, weight gain, less concern about appearance.

I fully get the watching the same movie over and over again. For me it's been Fisk - I love that show - Kitty Flannagan is a genius. YourImaginaryFriend, do you mind if I ask what your diagnosis is? Depression? I feel I have something more sinister than that, but maybe I'm just trying to justify my uselessness, but we sound so similar. The executive function - you are the only person that's ever used that expression and I have been wondering where mine went for ages! It's a fully tangible sensation being aware of how scattered thoughts are. Anyway, I guess we're just lucky.

I have won awards for volunteering and currently volunteer, it does give me purpose without stress. I think for people with mental health issues, being able to perform tasks without anxiety and stress is so important. As soon as I start getting paid for something, the stress level goes through the roof. But volunteering, not a problem...I guess if you're not being paid, there's no expectation.

I have stopped drinking, stopped using cannabis and have become a vegetarian, all in the hope that better lifestyle choices will improve my circumstance. This is only day four but already, taking that control feels like something I can do!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Very relatable.

OMD.

Re: Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Sun, 11 Feb 2024 13:26:18 GMT

Hi Indigo,

Thank you so much for your support. The understanding certainly lightens the burden. Part of me believes in the medical route, part of me believes mind over matter and good lifestyle choices can make a difference. I am currently looking into practitioners.

Many thanks again.

OMD.

Re: Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Mon, 12 Feb 2024 02:14:01 GMT

Hey Randomxx

Apologies for late reply. Good advice re titrating doses. It is wonderful and even better when used sparingly - no medication is desinged to blot life out.

OMD

Re: Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Mon, 12 Feb 2024 02:15:04 GMT

Thank you Grandy 🙂

Re: Struggling Alone

YourImaginaryFriend — Mon, 12 Feb 2024 20:57:30 GMT

Good morning OMD!
Yes, I had to psych myself up for that exclamation, because mornings are not THAT exciting.
I agree, they do jump around and I have to keep checking the date as I never know what day it is. Thankful for email reminders that someone has commented.

I can very much relate to losing the ability/willpower/love for some of your favourite things. It’s scary how something that used to bring so much joy, depression now hijacks and makes you question the validity of the activity. It’s almost like a shadow of yourself tagging along and you can’t enjoy the activity, like a hike. Nature is the best; I go camping a lot to escape.

The depression is right there alongside you saying “why are we doing this?” “This used to be more fun” “I swear this didn’t used to be so hard”. It’s like they’ve changed the difficulty setting on life and now I have an annoying sidekick that is just SO negative. I try to escape this horrible sidekick but how can you when it’s your own brain. Weighed down with all this talk, it’s easy to understand how depression saps the literal life out of you because you have no one to blame but your own stupid chemical imbalance or harmful thought patterns.

My depression too has changed my appearance. I used to do a 7 step face routine and use regular masks and get treatments and now I’m just washing my face with whatever is in the shower at the time because doing more than the bare minimum right now is too much.

FISK! FISK GIVES ME LIFE. Kitty is just so funny. She’s my absolute favourite comedian. I love her dry witty humour. It’s undoubtedly my favourite show at the moment. Have watched both seasons twice.

I have been diagnosed with BPD and complex PTSD (basically a fancy name for childhood trauma). The depression and anxiety I face on a daily basis is just how it manifests. I usually only have a low level, tolerable kind of depression but the last 6 months in particular has been a descent into the absolute worst darkness and hopelessness I’ve ever encountered. I can usually pull my socks up and snap out of it but just haven’t been able to.
I agree, it’s a very tangible sensation to be aware of scattered thoughts and it feels like you don’t even know yourself anymore. For someone who is proud of her ability to trust herself, it’s scary that I just can’t trust myself anymore to even hold onto a thought or follow through with simple tasks. It’s like every GOOD thought is just a piece of paper (easily ripped and discarded) but every BAD thought is a rock that gets harder and harder to throw as you grow weaker.

I fully relate to the volunteering. As soon as you start getting paid or expectations are placed upon you, then it becomes stressful and you don’t want to do it anymore.
It’s like reverse psychology: expect nothing of me, and I want to go above and beyond to please you, but the second you expect something or ask me to maintain that, I’m done.

I’m pleased to hear you’re making good choices in the hopes that you can heal from the inside out and I hope day 5 is even better than day 4.
It’s been so lovely chatting with you and relating to everything you say, it’s really helped me a lot to find someone in a similar boat.

Re: Struggling Alone

One_More_Day — Tue, 13 Feb 2024 16:32:34 GMT

Hey YourImaginaryFriend!!!!

I used extra exlamation marks to really emphasise the excitement!! Oh, and some more! Hahaha.

Uncanny the shared experience. I've not had a diagnosis as yet but suspect it will be something along the lines of BPD. PTSD, I haven't been threatened or in danger the way a victim of an accident or brutal crime is, but growing up in an environment of coercive control might be considered a subtle form of trauma, one that takes place every day over a lifetime. It sets you up to fail. Humans need to be in control of the decisions and choices in their life, they are not someone else's to make. Good parenting guides and sets boundaries so humans can go forth and conquer wholeheartedly. Confusing boundaries with authoritarian control is the biggest mistake people make. Poverty, transgenerational trauma, so many nasties impact coping, behaviour, and so the cycle continues.

Life is short and for people in mental anguish, sadly wasted.

FISK - I've easily watched all episodes 30 times. Fiskophrenia.

Ditto your last sentence.

OMD.

Re: Struggling Alone

YourImaginaryFriend — Wed, 14 Feb 2024 08:51:41 GMT

Hey OMD! That intro, the exclamation marks made me lol. 😂 I didn’t expect to be so happy to see that on a forum like this! The energy! Yesssss!!!

Growing up in an environment of coercive control and an authoritarian parenting style is the story of my life. The old classic - “because I said so” was used a LOT. This produces a walking on eggshells environment whereby your identity/opinions/choices aren't nurtured or even allowed to develop. I so get that. I do. I realllly do. This is how we end up with BPD and complex PTSD.
I was heavily neglected as a child (good old abandonment trauma), but when my single mother (she pushed my dad away and I have never been able to find him. She told me he was dead half my life to cement that belief- just because he was “dead” in her eyes) came back (from overseas or whatever fling she was on) she was in total control mode to make up for the time she missed and thought by being strict it would make up for the time missed. It was just contrasting and polarising attitudes and parenting styles. All. The time. One week it would be confiscation of my teddy bears and the next I’d be locked in my room or went without food. The punishment was corporal for something so small like leaving a towel on the floor or taking more than 2 mins in the shower. The punishment NEVER fit the crime and it left me EXTREMELY confused and exhausted. In fact, I’m STILL in a state of disbelief, like “did that childhood just happen?” and I’m 32 this year.. it’s left a very weird hole in my soul and I have no idea who I am. I feel like my personality for the day is dependent on what I’m doing or who I am seeing. I dress accordingly also. For example I’m sweet, docile and feminine when I see my nana to make her feel good, but masculine and rough around the edges when I’m travelling (probably to repel people).

Mental anguish is my life. I’m really not sure what my purpose is in life other than to be a survivor of that. Note: survivor, not thriver.
Every day I don’t see what the point is to my existence.
There’s much more than that, but that’s just the surface of the iceberg.

I wish more than anything to have a friend. I wasn’t allowed sleepovers as a kid and I think I’ve been starved of friendship and kin-ship my whole life. Only child to an unstable mum was very lonely.

I should probably make a whole new thread with my problems hey. 😂

I hope your day was eventful in the best kind of way and I hope you smiled today at something.
🙂

Re: Struggling Alone

Shady Lady — Thu, 15 Feb 2024 05:18:45 GMT

I am 50, by some miracle I still have a family. I have had depression, anxiety and adhd for most of my life. I self medicate with sleeping pills and alcohol. I can't afford counselling and I have lost several jobs through being like this. You are not alone. I understand your pain and struggle. I don't want to leave my bedroom. Keep chatting, thinking of you xxx