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Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Fri, 25 Aug 2023 08:41:28 GMT

Hello. He was a nice guy but I thought he had issues and a lot of bad luck. He’d had a lot of bad relationships, all their fault. He was about to be fired, kicked out of the room he rented and was in dept. i offered to help get him a job and would help. I got him a place to live and a job. He was happy and I was glad to help. He got back after being away and came around to say thanks for what I had done. We saw each other from then when he made contact. As time went on he moved in with me and would often ask to borrow money i never got back. We were building a future, and paying his debts off were part of that. It wasn’t til we went for a housing loan and all his debt was shown. He didn’t qualify. I paid off some so we could move forward. I found out he was still on dating sites. His reply was “but it’s not like I’m contacting them” I cracked and he became abusive. Never sorry but said he wouldn’t have acted like that if I didn’t crack up. This continued and could be about any tiny thing. Yelling at me in public and saying things that weren’t true. I thought us buying a house might settle him. It’s what he always wanted and never had. He’d had many jobs, been fired from 2. and never his fault. It took the funds from selling my house to buy it but he seem better. I put my half in and he took a loan for his and built a nice home. That was 2 years ago. The years have been Ricky. My friends don’t come around or my family. Giving me such a hard time about them it was easier to let them go. I started believing the fights were my fault. I should just keep quiet. Poke the bear and you’re going to get hurt, he would say. Threaten to leave or just walking out not knowing if he’s coming back. Standing over me while I was crying and yelling abuse. You get timid after a while. He doesn’t apologise ever. He’ll tell me I’m the one that’s got problems and I need to change. It’s my fault he gets angry. I’ve had to use my super, the money I got from mum passing, money from selling a car etc. I had to or we couldn’t pay bills in between his jobs and buying expensive things. I live tight. There’s no money and he is supporting me financially so its worse. He doesn’t want me working. I saw a block of land like we had always liked it belonged to a friend. It was cheap and we could sell our house, build a little home and have money in the bank, have a small loan and not have the worry. It might stop the pressure that makes him angry. I told him about it and I was told “if you want to move then I’ll buy you out and you can go live wherever the f**k you want.” He started saying horrible things and I started crying and walked off to a spray of abuse. I couldn’t believe he was prepared to just pay me out and not be together anymore. I was quiet after that and then a few days later he suggested we have a look at the block. He started making plans where the house would go and selling our house. I finally thought things were going to be ok and then on the way home I asked what had changed his mind to buy me out. He said “if I did I wouldn’t come out with much once I paid you out.” I was gutted. I realised that he was using me to get a house. Even though I was there through every crisis, I took the abuse and put him firs. I took him to work and during the day I wrote an email saying I only wanted us to be happy and not have the financial stress and enjoy life more. I said I didn’t understand why he was going to buy me out and it hurt when he said that. The email I got back was full of blame and abuse and telling me I’m the one that has to change and it’s my fault etc., and if I didn’t see anything wrong with myself, then we should sell the house and go our seperate ways.
i couldn’t believe the complete turn around and I thought about it, i started thinking this is never going to end. Today I got the strength to email back and say we see things differently and I think it’s best to sell the house and go our seperate ways. I feel good about that decision. I’ve finally see I can have a good life. I haven’t heard back yet but I know I will. To be honest I'm frightened to open that email.
Any suggestions or advice would be welcomed as I'm starting to think I should have just kept quiet. It’s the backlash that I'm scared of and I'm not sure if I should read it or not.
Thankyou for taking the time to read my story.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

indigo22 — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 07:03:08 GMT

Hi shazzybear,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. You are in a difficult relationship and you have been through a lot and I am sorry it has had a negative impact on you.

I am going to be brutally honest with you, the person you are involved with has all the traits of a narcissist. I am familiar with their behaviour because my sister is one, when I moved a few years ago, I did not tell her where I was going. I cannot tell you what to do, that is up to you to decide, but I can advise you that life with a narcissist will take a very big toll on you in the long term and it will never stop, it will only get worse. The only person a narcissist cares about is themself, so if you are thinking you can reason with them, I am really sorry but you are mistaken. You have lost a lot by being in this relationship so please think deeply about your next move and make sure you have someone you can rely on to turn to if you feel like you may be in danger. I am glad you have reached out for support, I am sorry you have waited so long for a reply, sometimes posts slip through the cracks but I usually look for posts that have not been replied to for that reason. If you feel comfortable, let me know how you are going.

Please take care of yourself first and foremost,

indigo22

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

mmMekitty — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 10:23:50 GMT

Hello shazzybear

I'm glad you have reached out to us here.

Reading your post, I noticed some things, like how much he has taken from you, how isolated you are from family & friends, how he want s you to be at home - not working, so he is the only person in your life, && how he is verbally abusive, blaming yu, convincing you that you are at fault,that you hav to change to meet his needs. You are the one compromising, thinking to be quiet so as to not upset him, but I don't see him thinking of you very well at all.

That's a scary set of conditions to live with. The way he is treating you is abusive. I understand it's now difficult to leave, given your financial situation. & that if he was to buy you out of the home, you;d be left with very little. I'm not so sure that's even true, but fighting for your fair share of the home would be costly in itself, & I don't know enough to say if Legal Aid would help.

You've lost so much to this relationship already, & the way he treats you is belittling & hurtful to you.

Already he doesn't apologise for anything as if he's done nothing wrong, & even tells you it's you who has done wrong. (& I want you to know, that's not true).

I can't see how staying in this relationship would be in your best interest.

I think 1800 RESPECt - 1800 737 732, will be able to counsel & talk to you about your options.

Or you could call BB's counsellors or use Chat Online (see the number & links at the end of the webpage.)

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

quirkywords — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 10:27:30 GMT

Shazzybear

i am sorry you are coping with someone who doesn’t respect you. Did he reply to the email..?
i am glad you stood up for yourself.

i have an experience with someone who says everything is my fault and because of my condition.it is very tiring,

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 21:57:29 GMT

Thankyou for your reply. A lot has happened in the past few days. I have an appointment with my doctor today to talk over what’s happened and maybe some counselling. I did ring 1800respect and she was very helpful. I have no doubt he is a narcissist. Think I always knew but didn’t want to admit it to myself. I know he saw a therapist before I met him over what he said were “issues with anger.” We haven’t had much contact. If I have to then it’s very brief.
there’s times I feel really good about separating. Then there’s the times I’m just guttered. It’s when I think of the good times and he was so loving and caring. Then when the thoughts change of what an ars***le he can be, I feel glad I’m leaving. He comes home next week and I know it will be unbearable so I’ve arranged to stay at a friends house if I need to. I have a bag packed and ready if I have to leave in a hurry. He may stay with family. You never know with him. We can be having a great time then like a light switch he changes and gets angry. It’s when he becomes abusive and yells out things that aren’t even true, that are the most upsetting. It’s gone on for 6 years now and I’ve had enough. I think one of the things that made me want to leave when he was yelling at me, is I thought of my mum up there looking on and being ashamed of him, and mad at me for putting up with it. I use to be so strong. Thank you everyone for your support. It means a lot as it’s hard to talk to family.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 21:59:53 GMT

Thankyou for getting back. Yeah you get sick of being blamed for everything. I look back now and think if I had of known what he was like, there’s no way I would have gone out with him. He took advantage of my kindness.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 22:32:58 GMT

Thankyou for your support. I helped him out financially and paid off a lot of his debts so we could get a house. He couldn’t get a loan as he had such a bad credit rating. I sold the house I had to buy the land and put the rest towards building the house and he borrowed the short fall. We agreed that if anything happened in our relationship, I would get back what I put in and the loan would be paid out and we’d go halves in any profit. That’s why he said “I’m staying with you cause I wouldn’t come out with much.” Looking back, I notice that all the women he has lived with have had their own homes and he’s moved in with them. I think he only stayed with me so long is because I helped him get his own home. He’s never had one as he’s been reckless with money and quit good jobs because he didn’t like the the people there or someone was giving him a hard time. There was always an excuse. Never his fault. Just like in our relationship, I was to blame for everything. I remember when we were trying to get a home loan and the lady asked if I could come and see her privately. She said he is in a lot more debt than what he has let on. He owed child support 1000’s and had debts I didn’t know about. She wouldn’t give him a loan because she didn’t like him. Thought he was a swindler, good looking and full of charm to get what he wants. I know now I was just being used and that hurts.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

indigo22 — Tue, 05 Sep 2023 02:09:46 GMT

Hi again shazzybear,

What you describe about being loving, caring and charming is what the narcissist does in the beginning to win you over, it even has a name, it's called gaslighting. Once they have what they want, they no longer need to be using those tactics and the true nature appears. I am just glad it hasn't escalated to physical violence. You are a kind and caring person, just the type of person that a narcissist looks for because they have done it so many times, they know they will succeed again with that personality type. Nothing is ever their fault and they will never admit to saying something that you clearly remember them saying, and they will never apologise for anything because they are incapable of seeing that they have done anything wrong. If there is any hint of danger, call 000 and keep yourself safe. You deserve better and I believe you now know that to be true.

indigo22

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Tue, 05 Sep 2023 13:09:50 GMT

Thanks for writing back. It’s funny how you start looking for answers then you come across all these things you’ve never heard of. I read about gaslighting and there has been a lot of that going on. That’s for sure.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

mmMekitty — Tue, 05 Sep 2023 14:00:49 GMT

Hello shabbybear

I know it's been a difficult time, & you have so much to think about. I'm glad you decided to call 1800 RESPECT & also have spoken to your GP, & I hope you can have a counsellor or therapist to talk things over with soon.

Sorry to say, I'm learning about 'gaslighting' here on BB; you are not alone.

I think you have a lot of strength in you. Just coming here & telling us about your relationship with him took a lot of courage. Phoneing 1800 RESPECT took a lot of courage. Talking to your GP took a lot of courage. You have done these things.

I think it's a good idea to have as little contact with him as possible. & if you must, meet in a public place. Your first priority is to keep yourself safe. Anger such as he has may easily turn much worse.

I'm glad you are making plans, such as having somewhere else to go & a bag packed.Personally, I hope you don't have a joint bank account with him. If you do, opening another account in your own name, at another bank, I think would be a good idea, too.

I'd also listen to the advice you can have from 1800 RESPECT, because they have been helping people to leave unsafe relationships for a long time.

You & other people here have opened my eyes - gaslighting - I had never heard of gaslighting before coming to BB, for example.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

quirkywords — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 10:54:01 GMT

Shazzy

i sm not sure if everyone else including friends and family think he is wonderful I once tried telling a cousin of mine what he was like but he thought it was a joke and wouldn’t believe me.So I have never told anyone else.

The caring and kind times make me think the swearing and verbal arracks have gone but they haven’t. It is stressful. You are not alone.
when I said why are you kind to everyone e,se and respectful not me he said it is my fault because I bring out the worst in him. I admire how brave you are.
thanks for keeping us informed.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 13:44:25 GMT

Thankyou. There’s times I feel brave and then other times I feel week.
Yeah some of my friend and family were a bit sus of him. He knew that and it’s why he use to say I acted differently towards him after I’d seen them. It use to end in an argument so I rarely see them now. I will get them back in my life though. The ones that thought he was gorgeous made it easier. He didn’t get angry about them!
it’s been a roller coaster ride for the whole 6 years with times he had an overwhelming love for me, then he could switch it to hate in the blink of an eye. It was always me that smoothed things over.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 14:05:09 GMT

Thankyou for your support. Yeah I hear what you’re saying. The only contact I have is very brief and through emails or the odd text. We do have a joint bank account but a little while ago when mum died, I opened up one and put some of her money she left for me in there. It’s wasn’t much but enough if I have to go I could stay the night in a motel and have money for fuel, food etc. Once we sell the house I’ll be ok.
gaslighting was new to me too. You don’t realise you’re going through it then something clicks in our head and you start searching for answers. For me, I started keeping texts he’d sent in my notes on my phone. I did this because he would say “I never said that. You don’t remember. You’ve got a sh*t memory.” So I started keeping stuff I knew he would tell me never happened. Or I’d keep notes of things he’d said. That’s what kept me sane when I started doubting myself.
Stay strong and keep your head up. Abuse may have shaped you in the past, but you have the choice how to shape your future.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

mmMekitty — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 04:54:29 GMT

Hello shazzybear

You write so clearly, I'm looking back at prior relationships I've been in & seeing a similar pattern, with some twists here & there. Most notably is how they'd have me doubting myself & afraid to raise questions or topics, because of how they might react. Even the idea of not talking to some people because they might/would be upset if I did.

I still haven't learned how to trust myself. No matter how much I think I've learned over the years, (& still there is more to learn), I fear getting into such a relationship with anyone smilar or worse - I still feel vulnerable.

You have been recognised so clearly, I have high hopes you will learn from this relationship & will recognise anyone ever treating you similarly in the future. I'm glad you have thought of your options, & have plans in mind.

As much as I like the idea of keeping notes, especially for when you feel you are doubting your own memory, is great, so long as he does not have access to those notes. If he discovers them that would lead to more accusations & anger, & he could still try to deny everything. Be careful with those notes.

Thank you for staying in touch with us here at BB.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 20:49:40 GMT

Hi mmMekitty

Thankyou for what you said. I do plan on never repeating the past. The thing is…I matter to myself. I don’t care if I don’t matter to him. It’s his loss. I think one of the keys to healing is to stop blaming ourselves for what can’t be changed. We tried but we didn’t fail. We didn’t change who we were by trying to help them. It was a choice to be like they are. They didn’t have to make the choice to be an ar****le. We’ve stayed true to ourselves, because that is our choice.
When it came to keeping notes, I got to the point I didn’t care if he read them. It’s more important to do what’s needed for my own sanity. If he read them it’s also showing “I’m on to you and know you’re trying to mess with me head.”
That song “I can see clearly now” I have printed it out and have written notes on it like “Don’t look back, the further is amazing” and Fun and freedom and happy times ahead.” I think we can get overwhelmed by thinking of the past and not focusing on the future, and I know for myself I can’t dwell on the things I can’t change, that being him. Instead of being angry at him, I’ve turned it around and feel sorry for him and people like him as they will never find true happiness. They’re living a lie. I look at it like…”I’m so thankful I am not like them.” and proud of myself for having the brains to get out.
Words will only hurt you if you let them. You don’t have to. Put an invisible barrier around your self and let all that abuse bounce straight off! It can’t get to you while you have a shied around you protecting yourself. Stay strong. You’ll get through.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

Robbi3 — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 16:57:09 GMT

Unfortunately some people can't see what you have done for them. You seemed to be going quite well financially prior to the relationship, paying his past debts off for you both to move on and build something together. Without your help with his bad debt situation and paying them all off he would be still struggling, bumming off someone else no doubt.

It's very frustrating, and can make you do crazy things, as you start building up anger.

I say you have to get out of that relationship with as much money as you possibly can.

Good Luck.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 12:09:08 GMT

Thanks Robbi. You’re absolutely right and I am getting out. No going back now.
I didn’t mind contributing as we were trying to get a home loan. It has taken a huge toll financially on me. I will never get all of it back but that’s my fault for being such an idiot and not getting out earlier. You think you’re doing the right thing when they seem appreciative and happy to have you in their life. It was when he started getting angry and criticising me and I said “well why do you even stay with me?” and he said “I’m staying with you because financially I wouldn’t come out with much” Well…that was it for me. Things hadn’t been going well for a while and that was the final straw. I have bad days thinking about the good times we had but they are getting less frequent now. Since he has been away, there has been very little contact. Im being punished for making him feel bad and getting him angry. He’s done it many times. Even though I’ve asked how he is going I get a very short answer, although he did tell me he’d let me know his flight times so I can pick him up from the airport!!! Thats on Tuesday and he hasn’t let me know yet and he would have had confirmation of that by now. He is fifo worker on a 3 and 2 roster. He’ll let me know at the last minute. I’ll pick him up but it will be the last time.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

quirkywords — Mon, 11 Sep 2023 00:27:40 GMT

Shazzy bear

By writing here so honestly and clearly you will help many people who read your post but don’t reply. Your insights and suggestions are helpful.
inhave found your strength inspiring. I hope writing here as helped you understand and sort out your thoughts.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

shazzybear — Mon, 11 Sep 2023 19:36:43 GMT

Thankyou for saying that. I have really appreciated everyone’s responses. It helps when you know you’re not alone. Even yesterday going to Centrelink I broke down when they were asking me questions. They were all so lovely and helpful. It was like it was the reality of what had happened to me. On the long drive home, I was thinking of everything that had happened and how every time it was me that simmered his temper and calmed him down. I sent him and email on Saturday about picking him up from the airport (I hadn’t heard what time) and said “I hope he was doing ok.” Well…the one I got back a couple of days later was full of hate. I have copied and pasted this from the email

“I haven’t communicated because I have no idea how I’m feeling apart from being angry, sad and confused along with all the emotions all rolled into one. This has already effected my job this swing.”
So it looks like I’ll get the blame if he get fired from yet another job or gets called into the office. I will pick him up this afternoon and I’ve no doubt he’ll be telling me it’s all my fault and I have to change etc etc. I’m not going to say anything negative because there’s no point and I’m not going to cower down to his level. It’s an argument I’m never going to win. I realise that now. you get to the point, you just want peace and happiness and even if he said nice things, it’s only a little Band-Aid on a very big wound that’s not healing while I’m with him.

Re: Looking for your words of encouragement and support

Scrivener — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 10:12:29 GMT

Hi Shazzybear! 🙂

This might sound strange coming from a guy but the previous respondents are all right, this guy is a narcissist. I know because my current neighbour is one. All they want is what I call "negative attention". They are not able to achieve the things that would prompt positive feedback from their peers, friends, or family so they play "drama queen" games and psychological games to get attention. There is something lacking in these people, not you! The only thing you have done is try to help someone who isn't trying to help themselves. Unfortunately, this happens all to often (mostly to women - not being a chauvinist btw just honest). I'm not sure but perhaps the loss of your mother has left a gap in your female support network? You need to build your confidence and put yourself first. That's not selfish, it's common sense. It is good that you have sought help because I think that you will need some help to not fall into the same trap again, even though you are wiser now. I have a sister-in-law who keeps ending up with the same sort of guys over and over again. She thinks that she can "fix" them but it never works out. The last guy she married was an alcoholic gambler. Her previous husband was the same. A couple of months after getting married again, she said that she should have never married him. So don't feel bad, it happens all the time.

Some guys can be total ass#¢es! They make the rest of us look bad.