topic Re: Person in Progress 🚧 in Welcome and orientation

Person in Progress 🚧

DifferentMe — Fri, 01 Sep 2023 02:15:31 GMT

👋🏼 Forumites - Shoutout those that recreated themselves.

Identity Loss and Self-Differentiation is what brings me to the forum. As a result of 13 years of Narcissistic Abuse, I have lost my sense of self and self-worth. But I get to recreate myself.

I’m looking forward to reading your journey of self discovery.

All advice gratefully appreciated ♻️

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

indigo22 — Sun, 03 Sep 2023 06:47:26 GMT

Hi DifferentMe,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out.

I believe you will find many here in the process of recreating themselves as a result of all sorts of reasons, so you are definitely not alone. I am sorry to hear that you have been through prolonged abuse, I understand the effect narcissists can have on your well being, good on you for recognising you deserve better and removing yourself from the situation. I have a sister who is a narcissist and when I moved a few years ago, I didn't bother to tell her where I was moving to and it feels so much better to be free of the toxic energy she created. So do you have a plan for your recreation? Are you getting some support from friends, family, counselling? Taking back those parts of yourself that you lost during that time is a journey in itself, having caring support will make it an easier journey. The forum community is a safe and non judgemental place and will be here to support you whenever you need to post, but be sure to have other supports in place as well. I am still on my journey of recreation after having spent the majority of my life in depression (now in my 60s) and I have found joining the forums this year a really positive move on my journey. I hope it will be likewise for you. If you would like to continue this conversation, please do, I will follow your post so I will be notified if you reply.

Take care

indigo22

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

mmMekitty — Sun, 03 Sep 2023 11:31:06 GMT

Hello DifferentMe

Welcome from me, too.

For so long I didn't know who I was, how to define or describe myself to myself or others, being in a state of fog about it, feeling lost & yet, preferring to merely 'exist' rather than answer the questions or feel the feelings I had or to delve into how & why or anything. I'm in my 60's too, & now feeling okay (more or less) with myself, not too bothered about labelling who or what I am. I had gone through a stage where I did want to have some labels, but not now.

I like your attitude, your desire to re-create yourself, to be yourself with a positive outlook towards that end.

It's hard to separate yourself from someone who has treated you as they did. I think being able to speak up & actively be yourself, saying things in your own words, will help you in your journey. It's taken me a long time, but I have begun doing that in my interactions with people. I'm learning to voice what I feel is in my own best interest. That's been a huge thing for me.

I trust you will find the forums are a safe & beneficial place to express yourself.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

DifferentMe — Sun, 03 Sep 2023 13:06:37 GMT

Hello indigo22. Thank you for the welcome. The awkward thing about families is if you weren’t related, would you choose to hangout with them?
Boundaries got to have them. I exercised my 1st Boundary 1 week ago. Loved it. It is empowering.

Depression, that is a seriously hard gig and I sincerely respect your journey.

I’m tackling recreating myself the same way I did my Degree - a lot of reading, attend all the lectures = counselling/group counselling. Essays = Journaling sometimes with referencing 😁

What have you found most helpful?

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

DifferentMe — Sun, 03 Sep 2023 13:20:54 GMT

mmMeKitty 🤗 Hugzies back at you. You had an Identity Crisis or Loss of Identity? I completely understand the fog, I know the fog. How did you deal with your emotional detachment?

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

mmMekitty — Sun, 03 Sep 2023 13:32:00 GMT

DifferentMe - Go Pro-active You! 😺 I am impressed.

I have done a lot of writing, too, sorting out my feelings from the feelings imposed upon me from other people.

Boundaries, too, another huge thing for me, as well as speaking up about what I need & want, & what I don't need & want, too.

I have been seeing a Psychiatrist for a decade or so, who is the best one I've found for me. I've gained so much from my PDr over the decade, far more than I gained from the other psychiatrists I'd seen before, since 1993. (I'm not counting a couple others earlier who really didn't treat me at all. Long story).

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

indigo22 — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 04:11:42 GMT

Hi DifferentMe,

Congrats on setting your 1st boundary, that's a great step in regaining your sense of self-worth.

I was in my 40s when I was diagnosed with depression (dysthymia and major depression since about the age of 12) and by talking things through with my counsellor at that time, I began to realise what a 'door mat' I had been in the past. I started setting boundaries at that time too and it was empowering, although not well received by those who wanted me to be the same as I had always been, it was inconvenient dealing with someone who was changing the way they think. So don't be surprised if you lose a few friends along the journey, I have had to drop some that did not have my best interest at heart, which is what a true friend is.

I find reading books on mental health subjects helpful (Gabor Mate, Peter Levine, Bessell Van Der Kolk. Deb Dana) and I have just started seeing a psychotherapist to help with a few things that still need to be dealt with. I am mostly stable with the depression on meds but still struggle with the day to day stuff and my fatigue gets me down more than anything else. But I have come a long way from where I was, no more ideation these days.

Keep up the good work you are doing on yourself and you will definitely find your true self again.

Take care,

indigo22

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

mmMekitty — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 10:55:46 GMT

Hello DifferentMe & Indigo

When I posted last night, I'd seen Indigo's post, which had reminded me about how much learning to set boundaries means to me. It was one of the first things my current PDr had talked about ith me. & we've talked about boundaries several times since.

My story goes back to my childhood, where I learned my feelings & opinions didn't matter, Lots of criticism from my father's wife, then having no friends at school, bullying, s-abuse from my brother, & my only friend's father, (he against his girl's too), later my father, I'd say I was depressed by 13 years old. I tried to 'escape', & was told I could never tell anyone. More secrets & silence.

to get through everything, I deliberately sort of dissociated, pigeonholing parts of my life, people & places, incidents, keeping everything separate, & pushing all my emotions down. I denied to myself so well I believed for years that I didn't feel anything much at all.

Not true, of-course; i had convinced myself it was though.

Got myself into more awful relationships after leaving home.

Many years later, when things come unravelled, my emotions come rushing in & I realise I can't shove them away anymore. I found a GP who was helpful, well, with a phone book.... found a psychiatrist, who gave me all the space in the world to begin to talk.

I have to deal with memories, relationships with family, even naming feelings was hard at first. Then he moved away, interstate.

I wanted to find someone who would give me the space & time I needed, someone to help me sort out so much of this past of mine, to help me figure out what my feelings were, & to accept them. I didn't want to accept my feelings for years, a decade or more, I guess.

As for what anyone else said about me, or about my feelings, that's their opinion. I had to learn that, too.

Only this year have I had discussions with a couple support workers about boundaries. It's in my own best interest to ensure they understand the difference between 'support worker' & 'friend'.

Of necessity, this isn't my entire story. I'm mindful of the character count, which won't let us post up to the maximum.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

DifferentMe — Mon, 04 Sep 2023 13:29:05 GMT

Thank you for sharing your truth.

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

DifferentMe — Wed, 17 Jul 2024 04:54:22 GMT

Hello 👋🏼 indigo22. My post was 10 months ago 😳 I am still finding myself and what my needs are.

Being a People Pleaser is a difficult thing to stop, when you don’t know what you enjoy or what your needs are.

When you don’t understand how psychology delicate you are.

I’m constantly astounded at how insensitive some people are. So many people just don’t get it.

I had no idea how cautious I needed to be about the people around me.

A month of putting together paperwork for my lawyer for the family law property settlement. It has been exhausting.

Trauma responses have left me feeling like my brain 🧠 feels tired and my nerves brittle.

I’m looking forward to exiting this very long dark tunnel.

with gratitude

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

therising — Wed, 17 Jul 2024 18:59:27 GMT

Hi DifferentMe

First, I must say I love the title of your thread. That's definitely what we are, a person in progress. Whether it's progress at a snail's pace or there's a sudden high speed graduation to a higher level of self understanding (through some mind altering revelation), we're always in a state of progress unless we're standing still or twisting in the wind with no sense of direction, which can become depressing.

I think it's a shame at times that we can't see progress or a massive achievement through anything other than hindsight. I hope you can see all the paperwork you've been doing as a massive achievement. What makes it even more significant is if you're doing most or all of it yourself. If no one's in that tunnel with you, shedding light on a lot of that paperwork, making it easier, and if no one's shedding light on all the feelings you're experiencing while making your way through it then that is a great achievement in a place where no one's shedding a lot of light. If you can imagine turning that long dark tunnel on its side, now it looks like a well. So, you could say you've been raising yourself, graduating bit by bit up through that well or depression. When I hear people say 'There's light at the end of the tunnel', I tend to see the light at the top, even if it only appears as a pin prick of light at times. Btw, rock bottom is a brutal place to be, when not even a pin prick of light is visible.

As a sensitive 53yo gal, I tend to seriously scratch my head at times when it comes to dealing with insensitive people. Kinda like 'Can you not feel what you just said to me?' or 'Can you not feel yourself leaving me alone to work out what's depressing me?'. Just a couple of many examples. With that deep well or depression, don't you just love it when people shout down to you helpful advice like 'YOU JUST NEED TO TOUGHEN UP AND STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE!!!' 🤔😡 What the?! My theory is if I come to my senses more, as a sensitive person or someone who can sense, I should technically become a master at sensing. 'Toughening up' is not going to help me, it's just going to desensitise me. If I wasn't so sensitive, I wouldn't be able to feel who's depressing and who's not, who's inspiring and who's not, what is truly soulful and what is not. It's not our fault we can feel. Our ability to feel is something to be proud of. Why would we not feel proud of something that so super natural or perfectly natural?

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

DifferentMe — Thu, 18 Jul 2024 13:17:52 GMT

Hello 👋🏼 therising. I am very pleased to meet you.

You describe the tunnel incredibly well.

Rising at a snail’s pace is ok because it was 13 years of narcissistic abuse that got me to this point.

He literally abandoned me on the opposite side of the country and disposed of all my belongings except for my car.
He needed my car until he started his new job. Because the idiot didn’t think he would in trouble when he told management that he and the woman he was having a workplace affair with were moving in together a month after he ended his relationship with me.

Sorry that all just rushed out.

My point is it took years of abuse. Wouldn’t a fast recovery ❤️‍🩹 🧠 be suspicious?

I was completely empty for 15 months. Didn’t trust my own judgement. Couldn’t tell you what my skills were. I couldn’t tell you what I was good at.

Didn’t sleep for days at a time.

I sleep now. Almost every night.

therising, your name the rising - it’s very cool 😎

I live in Perth. I’m a 60 woman with a Humanities degree. I don’t fit into my demographic.

What sort of rising is your rising in reference too.
I don’t mind the occasional proletariat up-rising 🚩😊

I really appreciate your insight, support and time.

I hope you respond to my post.

with gratitude DM

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

therising — Thu, 18 Jul 2024 22:11:31 GMT

Hi DifferentMe

I have visions of you climbing a mountain and planting your flag with a roar of achievement. I imagine there were times along the way where you may have stopped and thought 'I'm not sure how to keep going. This is just too challenging'. Some challenges can be exhausting and overwhelming. It's amazing how some of our greatest achievements can feel so depressing along the way. Such achievements are something to be proud of.

My chosen name refers to the rising process up, through and out of depression. With that well I mention, everyone's well is different when it comes to what led them into it, what it looks like and what keeps them there. It's also different in regard to whether someone's gone in gradually, without realising or whether they've suddenly gone in at breakneck speed, due to sudden trauma for example. Typically, there is only one way to get out alive and that is to be raised out. Whether we do it our self or we find the people who can help bring us out, the fact is we can't stay in there without it eventually destroying us.

In the case of seriously depressing chemical deficiencies, a doctor or specialist can help us out with the chemistry we need. In the case of the belief systems we take on, we can be gradually raised through eliminating certain depressing beliefs while finding new ones to rise through. Through bringing to life new facets of our self (that have perhaps lay dormant our whole life), we can be raised with the help of those facets. We can be raised through the education that can come with greater understanding in regard to how we naturally work. What raises us can entail a long list, just as what depresses us can involve a long list.

My brother actually encouraged me to study humanities, a challenge I never took on (not yet anyway). I know I would find it fascinating, as I tend to find human nature incredibly fascinating. With many facets to us, the wonderer in me often leads me to wonder about the behaviour and nature of people. I can't help but wonder, sometimes to the point of distraction. Occasionally, it can be dinner time when I suddenly announce to my family 'Microwave meals tonight' because I've been wondering through my laptop so much to the point where I haven't cooked a single thing. I imagine you to be a wonderful person, full of a sense of wonder.

Re: Person in Progress 🚧

DifferentMe — Fri, 19 Jul 2024 09:36:55 GMT

Therising you really know your stuff.

Reading what you have to say is a welcome relief.

The amount of people that give unsolicited advice and cannot understand why I can’t do a quick fix is astounding.

A person who fancied themselves as a life coach targeted me on a Facebook Local Jobs page. Bullied me until I blocked them. Left that page and left FB.

I hate social media. I don’t even watch the news. It all just perpetuates human misery.

You said that you have a family and clearly you enjoy research.

Curiosity. I have an over active curiosity gland.

Book you will enjoy:

Guns, Germs and Steel by Jarred Diamond.

I’m going to reread your post a few times. I want to sit with what you said for a while.

I really like the way you describe things and you are logical.

People that are too woowoo put me off.