topic Re: Struggling again in Welcome and orientation

Struggling again

Patches63 — Sat, 01 Jul 2023 09:38:34 GMT

New to the forums and Beyond Blue but not to mental health issues. About 15 years ago I learnt that I have struggled on and off with mental health issues since I was 9yo, I was mid 40’s at that stage. I had been my mums carer for approx 6months. Couple days prior to Christmas my mum had heart attack in my arms and was rushed to local hospital. She passed away before I got to say Goodbye. Not long after I had suicidal thoughts, was referred to psychologist who diagnosed depression and separation anxiety. About 11 years ago met the man who I married few years later. Just over 3 years ago he passed away following 6mth battle with cancer. Since then been various ‘unpleasant’ or distressing things that happened that have been gradually wearing me down mentally. I’m now having unwanted daytime flashbacks, panic attacks and wanting to withdraw from everyone.

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Sun, 02 Jul 2023 00:47:27 GMT

I have appointment with local gp next week to discuss referral for professional help. Have spoken to oncall BB counselling line who has sent me some information about different types of assistance.

Re: Struggling again

indigo22 — Sun, 02 Jul 2023 07:38:42 GMT

Hi Patches63,

Welcome and thank you for sharing, I a sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time at the moment. I can relate to a number of things you mentioned. I was diagnosed in my 40s but have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since about the age of 12. I also cared for my father, brother and mother who all had cancer. Life can feel brutal when we go through so much pain and heartache and I am so sorry for your losses.

I am glad to see by your second post that you are arranging to get some help, just remember you are welcome to come back to the forums anytime you need to talk to people who understand and feel supported. Take care and let us know how things are going.

indigo22

Re: Struggling again

sbella02 — Sun, 02 Jul 2023 09:09:26 GMT

Patches63,

Thank you for finding the courage to post here, we warmly welcome you to the forums.

Losing anybody close to you is difficult, particularly if you've lost two people who were close to you in a short space of time. It's very important that you allow yourself adequate time and space to grieve in the ways that you feel are necessary. Grief is not linear, and everybody grieves differently. It's also very normal to still feel the pain years after losing somebody. Sometimes it'll feel like it gets easier and sometimes it'll feel worse, and that's okay.

Have you spoken to a professional recently about how you're feeling? They may be able to help you through the grieving process and offer some professional coping strategies.

As somebody who also suffers from panic attacks, I may be able to offer some advice on how to deal with these specifically. Breathing doesn't always help, but sometimes allowing yourself to focus on "smelling the roses and blowing out the candles" can be a good technique to use for calming yourself down. Movement also helps, I'll usually get up from where I am and go for a bit of a walk around the space, or engage in some kind of short-term physical exercise.

I hope this is helpful advice, and please feel free to chat some more with us, we'd love to hear more from you if you're willing to share.

Take care, SB

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Sun, 02 Jul 2023 09:20:58 GMT

Hi Indigo22,

sorry to hear about your losses and things life has thrown your way. This afternoon had a read through the information provided. Information on website from professional fairly local to me spoke to my heart. I have reached out to her via email and will follow up with phone call if hear nothing back day prior to seeing local gp. I’m moving to a new home in 3 months and am looking forward to feeling happier within myself than currently are so I can enjoy my new home with my 2 cats

Patches

Re: Struggling again

indigo22 — Sun, 02 Jul 2023 10:41:59 GMT

That's really good to hear Patches, I hope the person you contacted turns out to be the right one for you. We have something else in common, cats. They are so comforting when you are feeling low, my little one has managed to keep my heart open through it all with her unconditional love, she is almost 15. I moved to a small seaside location after the losses and have not regretted it since the first morning when I woke to the sound of birds singing. I was in Melbourne but could not bear the rat race any longer, since being where I am now, the stress has reduced significantly. I hope your move will do the same for you. Please let me know how things are going moving forward.

indigo22

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Sun, 02 Jul 2023 11:02:59 GMT

Thanks Sbella. Current panic attacks are happening when I’m driving or in traffic. I try to focus on my breathing but doesn’t always help. Panic attacks are connected to traumatic car accident from few years ago during period of time my stress levels were quite high already. I received grief counselling about 15 years ago but have never had professional help to assist with healing from multiple trauma.
im an animal lover, have always had pets plus inherited my maternal grandfathers love of and for draft horses. Reading through different programs for assisting healing with trauma I was provided via BB this morning I have reached out via email to professional fairly close to me who uses Equine Therapy. Animals have an amazing way of healing on so many aspects, Im hoping to hear back from her to discuss me possible starting my healing with help of natures creatures. I have another appointment with local gp this coming week to discuss my mental health and to have mental health plan prepared. Hoping to hear back regarding the SE Equine Therapy prior to seeing local gp.

Patches

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Sun, 02 Jul 2023 23:06:25 GMT

Indigo22 I am an animal lover and have no fear of almost any land animal. I was welcomed home from hospital as a baby by cocker spaniel and a tortoise cat who came running any time I would make any noise. I was given my first pet, a puppy when I was a toddler and have almost always shared my life with pets ….. Dogs, cats, poultry, rabbits, buggies, canaries. Trust and letting people get close to me are areas I struggle with. Pets have an amazing way of sensing things and responding to us. As an adult I am wary of approaching animals I do not know but have no fear of land animals. I’ve mentioned in other chats, I am drawn to draught horses. Magnificent animals who are gentle giants. I have learnt a lot from animals over the decades especially one cat in particular who was living in bushes near area where people fish and, same as others in same area, living of whatever food people threw them. I managed to rescue him, took many months for him to feel safe but in return I received unconditional love from him.

Your words of rat race hit a chord with me. I was working and living in western suburb of Melbourne when my mum died and knew I had to come home. I live in suburban area but more than 1hr drive away from Melbourne. I grew up in different suburb that had a semi country feel to it, where if not home parents knew to start going to neighbours houses up to 4 and 5 houses either side. I’m going to be moving to lifestyle village in nearby area which still has relaxed, semi country feel to it. Area where going for walks in nearly plant nursery, parklands or beside creek is common past time for lots of people. Started the process of getting ready to sell my house late last year during which there was some hiccups plus have been some hiccups and multiple changes to which house I am buying at lifestyle village that, at times I’m expecting some thing else to go wrong. People ask me am I excited about moving …. It still doesn’t feel real. My head knows the advantages plus reasons I chose to move, my heart will catch up at some stage.

Patches

Re: Struggling again

indigo22 — Mon, 03 Jul 2023 00:59:03 GMT

Hi again Patches,

Equine therapy sounds wonderful, I had a horse when I was between the ages of 8-12 and although he was a bugger to ride (only ran when his head was pointing toward home), I have many fond memories of that time.

I feel more comfortable around animals than people, I think that it's because they never judge you like humans can and do. I also lived in the western suburbs for most of my life, spent some time in the north but returned home when my father was ill and stayed until they all passed then moved to where I am now. As far as the hiccups with the move are concerned, you have already lived through the worst that life can throw at you and you survived (albeit with some healing needed), so you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. My philosophy is "if I managed to survive all that, everything else is just a bump in the road in comparison".

Keep in touch,

indigo22

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Mon, 03 Jul 2023 09:08:14 GMT

Indigo22, I’ve never had a fear of any land animal which as a child got me into trouble few times. Have lost count number of times I was bitten or scratched by dog or cat who didn’t know me. The joys of being young with not a care in the world. Growing up I was happiest when I was with my pets, relatives pets or watching shows on TV about animals. Mid primary and I knew I wanted to be a vet …. major problem when mid teens and brain can’t process or understand chemistry. Youngest child of wonderful couple who were my neighbours for many years had grown up in Moe area and had her own horse, beautiful chestnut filly who had such a placid nature. She is 4years older than me and was always happy for me to tag along when she spent time with her horse. When she was late high school, once when she broke her leg plus in her 20’s she moved interstate I took over feeding and grooming the filly plus her last foal, he was unbroken and left bruise and teeth impression on my arm once. Nice colt with so much energy.

thanks for the encouragement regarding the move. Saying I like which I’m trying to hang onto is “ you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and loved more than you know”

Patches

Re: Struggling again

Eagle Ray — Mon, 03 Jul 2023 09:29:28 GMT

Dear Patches,

I just wanted to say welcome. I can relate to much of what you’ve written. I cared for both my parents up until they died. I was with my Mum when her heart failed and also didn’t get to see her alive again after the ambulance took her to hospital. Three friends died in tragic circumstances in the same time period. So I really empathise and know it’s a journey with the grief.

I loved reading how you were welcomed home as a baby by pets. I also feel way more trusting with animals than people. I hope you get to have some good success with the SE Equine Therapy. I tried to get into a practitioner who does SE Equine Therapy in 2021 but there was a 6 month wait to even get on the waiting list so I didn’t pursue it. Eventually I found a wonderful SE practitioner who is a psychologist I’ve been working with for a year now and I’ve had more success with that approach than I have with any other therapy work I’ve done. As the approach draws on how animals recover naturally from trauma, I think it is the kind of approach that works well for people who feel attuned with animals as it makes so much sense.

I did do one session of equine therapy in 2021 which was not specifically SE but similar and I did find that helpful. The horse helped me learn about myself. He brought out aspects of myself that I could then work on with him and the therapist.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. Would love to hear how you go with the therapy (but no pressure to share either unless you want to). I hope the move goes well. I know it can feel unreal at first. I moved from the city to a regional area over a year ago as I’m better closer to nature and rural areas.

Take care,

Eagle Ray

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Mon, 03 Jul 2023 11:03:19 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray,

I find animals are amazing. They put their trust in us humans without hesitation and give us unconditional love. Through volunteer work plus foster carer I have also unfortunately seen the negative impact on animals where that trust has been destroyed. Similar to us as humans their life is turned upside down and some take a long time of patience to slowly gain that trust again. I think of my last foster cat, jet black small bodied girl who was terrified of humans. My spare room became her room for approx 5months during which time I saw her slowly go from growling and physically hitting me with one paw, never any claws out though, to a girl who started to play with toys… who would sit beside me and either take small pieces of chicken from my fingers or help herself to pieces off plate on my knee but the slightest touch of a finger on her sent her running for her safety spot. I have wondered a few times if part of the reason I feel comfortable with animals and trust them more than humans as I’ve experienced and seen

Re: Struggling again

Eagle Ray — Mon, 03 Jul 2023 12:42:18 GMT

Dear Patches,

I found that so moving what you described with your foster cat. It takes someone full of compassion and empathy to care for an animal who has been traumatised. That trust you built with her is something special. I think people who have been through a lot themselves have an understanding of animals who’ve been through a lot too. I have a strong recoil response from humans at times because of things that have happened to me. Just like your cat I want to run away to my safe places. It’s happened to me over the past week actually when something triggered me and I wanted to hide from people. I’m just starting to come out of my shell again. It’s lovely to hear about your experiences with animals. I feel especially connected with dogs and have lived with a few. I’ve been thinking of getting a rescue dog or otherwise fostering.

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Tue, 04 Jul 2023 07:16:28 GMT

Missed call from lady who provides SE Equine Assisted Therapy couple hours ago due to being in an appointment. Seeing the missed call I started to panic with fears she was going to say I couldn’t start the program. Drove to area where I knew I could park my car and sit and phoned her back. I couldn’t believe it at the time and still don’t …. She was phoning to let me know she fully believes the therapy will help me. Felt the waves of relief hit and felt the tears starting to flow. We had good chat and I have my first SE Equine Therapy session on Monday morning. So relieved to not to go on long wait list either. Hardly slept last night for some reason. Just after 5pm and am feeling tired…. Fingers crossed getting this good news will mean I get good night sleep

Patches

Re: Struggling again

indigo22 — Tue, 04 Jul 2023 07:23:53 GMT

I am so happy for you Patches, this could be the beginning of a better life moving forward. I wish you every success along with a long and restful nights sleep.

indigo22

Re: Struggling again

Eagle Ray — Tue, 04 Jul 2023 08:21:41 GMT

Hi Patches,

That’s wonderful news! That sounds really promising. I hope I didn’t worry you when I mentioned how I went on a waitlist for SE Equine Therapy. I didn’t even think of that when I typed my message yesterday! I’m sorry if I worried you. I’m probably in a different state than you with either fewer practitioners or higher demand for it. I have found the SE approach very helpful myself. I had a session with my psych this morning and we talked about animals quite a bit today. I’m learning to get in touch with protecting my own boundaries and we were talking about how animals instinctively do that. Take care and I hope you have a lovely, restful sleep tonight 😴🙏

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Wed, 05 Jul 2023 04:14:17 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray,

your words did not worry or upset me. My greatest fear with the Equine Assisted Therapy was I was going to be told by the provider that based on information I have given her that she felt the program wasn’t right for. I’ve never owned one but love horses and have no fear of them, if anything the bigger they are the more comfortable I am around them. Talking with my gp this morning he mentioned he hasn’t heard much about Equine Therapy but has heard lot of positives about Canine Therapy. As mentioned to gp, I’ve had young colt leave teeth marks on one arm one day decades ago, following day I was back at the paddock helping my neighbour happily feeding and tending to the filly, quickly learnt not to take my eyes off the colt for anything. Appointment booked this morning for initial psych appointment and placed on antidepressants with review with gp in 2 weeks.

my head is spinning that I’m being referred for help so quickly. Thinking back over the last 6 months I’m seeing where, what would have been little thing on its own, have all gradually been building up inside me and taking a toll on me …. Issues and stress with trying to sell without supportive real estate, uncertainty of if would be able to move to area where I can see lots of benefits for me, physical health issues, verbal abuse and lack of support through volunteer work.

Animals are amazing and so intuitive, they can sense how we are feeling and respond accordingly plus can be great teachers

Patches

Re: Struggling again

Eagle Ray — Wed, 05 Jul 2023 10:32:00 GMT

Dear Patches,

It is wonderful you are getting the help from various sources. Yes, all those individual things can build up and take their toll. I remember finding selling my Mum’s place quite stressful. It’s hard when you are dealing with things on your own too.

Yes, animals are truly wonderful in their ability to be intuitive. I visited a friend today and her cat came and sat in my lap and purred while I patted her. It was so comforting and I could feel recent anxiety I’ve had drain away.

I’m so happy for you that you are finding sources of healing connected with animals. It’s so good to follow your intuition in that way, especially knowing the connection you feel with horses.

The place I did equine therapy I only went to once because it was more than 3 hours drive from me then. But I live much closer now, about 45 minutes away, so I think I might do some more sessions there.

My cousin who lives in another state has owned horses and says they are really the most intuitive animals. They can really sense you and what you are feeling. Animals are just so special.

Re: Struggling again

Patches63 — Fri, 04 Aug 2023 06:51:48 GMT

Feeling disappointed and disheartened after 2sessions with woman not far from me who says whe provides SE equine assisted therapy. First session was good, learnt new breathing based technique which is helping with my anxiety and panic attacks plus got to spend little bit of time with some of her horses. Came home feeling very relaxed for hours. 2nd session she went over same ground as previous session and talked about finding things to bring my mind into current day/in touch with reality. 1hr session which ran overtime and I closest I got to any horse was at least one full paddock away. Told me no need to book another appointment unless I start to feel anxious again.

About 45 min drive in opposite direction there is another woman whose details were among list of providers I was supplied by BB phone counsellor. Website for this woman mentions 3 stages she and her horses assist with and sessions of approx 10 in total during which the person sits in same paddock as the horses are in. Have emailed her already, in her reply she mentions smallest number of sessions she has found most people need is 5.
lve had 2sessions with the psych during which we have gone through timeline of events I typed up. Next session this time next week. Psych mentioned that local dr has requested cbt for ptsd.

all I know is I want to start feeling happy again, constantly fighting back tears stops, that I can get solid nights sleep (currently wake each couple of hours every night) and that I can maybe start to trust people again

Patches

Re: Struggling again

indigo22 — Fri, 04 Aug 2023 07:24:52 GMT

Hi Patches,

I am sorry to hear that things did not work out well with the horse therapy, I know you were feeling good about it. Perhaps it was just the wrong fit for you and the other one you are looking at will be a better fit. It takes time to heal so try to go easy on yourself. Practice the new breathing technique that you said helped you, and perhaps try playing some relaxing music to help with your sleep, or try a warm shower/bath before going to bed to help you feel relaxed. Lack of sleep is likely contributing to how you are feeling emotionally at the moment. Things will get better, just give it some time and be kind to yourself in the meantime.

indigo22