topic Re: I’m not ok in Welcome and orientation

I’m not ok

spotted — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 05:36:12 GMT

I have always been a shirker of happiness, always been somewhat melancholy. However, over the past few years, I’ve seemingly become averse to happiness, always emotionally hurting myself and day dreaming of scenarios where I am emotionally hurt. I’m also low on confidence and therefore never sure of where I stand with others, including family, to the extent that I have started questioning whether anybody really loves me for who I am (and not out of duty).
I was pretty badly emotionally abused as a teen/young adult by my peers and I’m not sure if that has caused these issues, although that was nearly 20 years ago.
I don’t think this is usual, and I also think that I’m not okay.

Re: I’m not ok

mmMekitty — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 12:21:39 GMT

Hello Spotted & welcome to the forums.

Being emotionally abused as a child & into your young adulthood can certainly have long-term effects, which we may not easily recognise. I've had my own history & many more than 20 years later I'm still dealing with the effects.

One effect if about trust, even trusting myself to make sensible decision, especially about people & relationships.

My own self-esteem dropped to the floor, & under, (I imagined, it was in the dirt).

It's taken a long time to rebuild myself, as if from the foundations.

I'm saddened to read what you say about happiness. I'm not sure if I understand what you mean by "I've always been a shirker of happiness". Do you mean you avoid any possible thing or event which might bring you happiness? Is this about your low level of confidence in yourself & maybe feeling you don't deserve to be happy, or to enjoy any part of your life? Is it maybe you are so used to being emotionally abused you are not comfortable with anything else? What do you think your emotional abuse towards yourself is about?

If it was your family members who were emotionally abusive, it would be no wonder you aren't sure if they love you. I question that an abusive person can love at all. It really puzzles.me.

But apparently many people are capable of contradictory thoughts, feelings, ideas & behaviours. So maybe thay can.

Do you think there is a chance you want to feel some happiness in your life?

I could be wrong, but I think you do.

mmMekitty

Re: I’m not ok

sbella02 — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 15:00:07 GMT

Spotted,

Thank you for opening up to us here, we warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with low confidence and experience of emotional abuse. What a horrible thing to go through. As mmMekitty has said, emotional abuse can have lasting effects, and we may not even realise the full extent of these until we begin to explore our own identity later in life.

I can recommend to you the Calm Harm app (available here: https://au.reachout.com/tools-and-apps/calm-harm) if you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm. It's quite an incredible little app, I use it myself. It really gets you out of that mindset and into a better headspace with many different activities to choose from, and it's really quick and easy to use. The app also allows you to document when you feel like this, which can be useful for discovering why these thoughts may occur and recognising patterns in your thoughts. Journalling can also be good for this, too.

Another useful technique I have for mitigating thoughts of self-harm is the use of stress balls. I keep one in my bag, and it can be great to squish it if I'm feeling stressed, anxious, or upset. You could also carry around a pen and paper and draw something each time you think about self-harm, or perhaps draw on yourself if you feel comfortable. That can be very therapeutic.

Have you ever been to see your GP, therapist, or psychologist about your feelings and your experiences with emotional abuse? Talking to somebody who can offer professional advice is also a great way of consolidating and expressing your emotions, and finding reliable coping mechanisms and techniques that work for you.

I wish you all the best, and encourage you to continue chatting with us if you feel like it. We're here for you.

Take care, SB

Re: I’m not ok

spotted — Sat, 08 Apr 2023 01:14:44 GMT

My family members were not emotionally abusive towards me; it was more a case of hazing/ragging/bullying from peers in college.
Even as a child, I did not particularly seek happiness. The usual things that people enjoy, have never quite appealed to me. I think it stems from a fear of losing happiness plus just not being too much into seeking it.

Re: I’m not ok

spotted — Sat, 08 Apr 2023 01:15:35 GMT

Thank you, I’ll try atleast some of your tips

Re: I’m not ok

geoff — Sat, 08 Apr 2023 02:48:42 GMT

Hello Spotted, it's awful to be abused as a young child because it leaves awful memories that can be sparked by an incident that brings back memories and really sorry you had to endue any of this.

This goes along with you won't believe anyone will love you if you don't love and appreciate yourself, and with what has happened it can leave that terrible stain on your thoughts.

It doesn't matter whether it was 20 years ago, any similar incidence can certainly bring back those thoughts which can alter how you are feeling.

Please don't keep all of this to yourself, talk it over with someone, express your feelings, even if it means you cry and please look after yourself and get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: I’m not ok

mmMekitty — Sat, 08 Apr 2023 03:36:03 GMT

Hi Spotted

I'm sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion about who emotionally abused you.

I'm releived it was not from your family.

Ragging, hazing &bullying anywhere from anyone is not okay. Usually, if you can't stand up to it, or if you feel dimminished by it, your understandable reaction will cause you to feel less confident around people. In any area of life where we have to interact with people, we need to be able to assume some level of trust. But, when that trustworthiness is not evident, not demonstrated by those people around us, how do you suppose you will react?

Will it be anger, fear, frustration, hurt feelings, sadness, with a sense of betrayal? These seem like the most likely to me, but I'm sure there are more ways someone might naturally react or conscientiously respond.

That thoughtful response takes quite an effort, to take a step back, to think through what happened & to understand, firstly, it's really not about you, so taking it personally will do nothing but harm you.

I'd like you to also try to give yourself a break. What happened wasn't your fault. There was nothing wrong with you, Nothing you did deserves that sort of bullying.

About hazing, I don't think any group is worth joining if you have to endure the hazing. Personally, I think hazing is bullying, which is abuse by another term, & nothing more.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: I’m not ok

spotted — Sat, 08 Apr 2023 06:30:33 GMT

Thank you for your kind words!

Re: I’m not ok

spotted — Sat, 08 Apr 2023 06:31:07 GMT

Thanks for your support, yes, I do plan to get some help.

Re: I’m not ok

HamSolo01 — Tue, 11 Apr 2023 00:44:52 GMT

hi spotted

I'm curious on what you think the differences between happiness and/or contentment might be?
food for thought and you are in my thoughts

Re: I’m not ok

jaz28 — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 07:18:44 GMT

Hi spotted,

I am sorry to hear that you have been going through a rough patch. I am also sorry to hear about the adversity and troubles you have endured.

Have you considered seeing your doctor or a mental health professional about these feelings? Everyone that has responded has had some great insight, but I also stress that you need to run this past a professional who is trained to help you.

I hope things improve,

Jaz xx

Re: I’m not ok

rubytiger — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 01:34:42 GMT

Hey.

I relate completley to how your feeling too. I question all the time if people actually love me or not, if anyone really is capable of loving me or if i can even love myself.. It can seriously put myself in such an awful way that's hard to get out of. And i find myself unable to be happy or to think positively.

I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in how your feeling when your not okay. It can make you feel horrible.

Try to find things that make YOU happy. Things you enjoy. Even if it's just one little thing, doesn't matter as long as it makes you happy or you enjoy it. It may help if you need some things in your life to add a bit of happiness or joy.

You can get through this. I am here to talk.

Re: I’m not ok

spotted — Wed, 03 May 2023 13:20:39 GMT

Thank you! Some days I feel ok and these thoughts don’t surface; others, not so and then I just go very fast down the chute of “did anyone ever really love me”. The off days seem to be increasing, so yes, I’ve decided to see a professional.

Re: I’m not ok

spotted — Wed, 03 May 2023 13:21:35 GMT

thank you; yes, I’m planning to get some help.

Re: I’m not ok

Luci_Lu — Thu, 04 May 2023 03:24:27 GMT

Hi Spotted, I can relate to so much of what you are saying. When that feeling of self-worth hits rock bottom it is so hard to change that mindset. I have somehow managed to keep up a façade in life of being strong and brave when inside I am anything but. It took me many years of being so unkind to myself before I realized it was all in my head and there was actually a lot of love around me. I had a deep rooted belief that I was rotten and all the bad things that happened to me in life was because I was rotten. Why would anyone love that? If they did, it wouldn't take long before they saw me for who I truly was. I have walked away from so many relationships and friendships as I was sure they were about to discover how awful I was and leave anyway. I'm not awful and actually dedicate most of my time trying to be kind to others so they don't feel anything of what I feel. The perception of myself and my life was so wrong. Being brave enough to get help and be truly open with loved ones has made a huge difference to me. I had allowed my mind to take over everything, and sadly my mind was traumatized by the past. My fight, flight, freeze response always triggered when I felt my ground start to shake. Usually it was flight and I would withdraw from everyone and everything. My mind thought it was protecting me from more hurt but it's view was very one-side and distorted. It takes courage and determination to change that mindset and even then, can still creep up on you. Stay strong, accept support as I imagine there are likely some around you who will want to be there for you if you let them and most importantly, remember you are not alone.