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My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Ali75 — Tue, 22 Nov 2022 23:22:34 GMT

I just am so stressed and frustrated and sad. My daughter is flat out refusing school most days. We have tablets for her to start taking but she is scared about taking them. Im really worried about her. And don't really knoe what to do anymore. She has seen a psych but doesn't talk.

Hi Ali75, Thank you for sharing this here. We hope you f...

Sophie_M — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 16:41:29 GMT

Hi Ali75,

Thank you for sharing this here. We hope you find some comfort in the kindness and understanding of our lovely community members. We’re sure we’ll hear more from them.

It sounds like you are a really caring and supportive parent, and it sounds like you’ve taken some incredibly important steps. It’s so important, that while caring for your child, you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling, to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach our counsellors via webchat, here.

Your child is, of course, always welcome to contact us too, or there’s our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. We can hear it might be hard to encourage them to do so, but we are here all the same. The Black Dog institute also has some support groups you could look at by selecting your state from the options, here, if that seems like a suggestion she might be more open to.

Please continue to share here, whenever you feel comfortable. You never know how your story might help others who can relate to what you’re going through.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

jaz28 — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 03:38:58 GMT

Hi Ali75,

I am sorry you have been going through this, it must be really hard for your daughter and yourself. Is there a counsellor at the school she could see? You mentioned she will not talk during psych visits, which is common in young people, but did you see a child/adolescent psychologist (someone specialised in this behaviour)? It might be worth seeking other avenues, however, a psychologist cannot force her to talk, and that's on her, unfortunately. Have you also considered headspace, an organisation for young people specifically? I would contact your local centre and see what they recommend, it might be beneficial for her to talk with some young people that are her age.

I hope this helps and I hope things get better soon,

Jaz xx

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Summer Rose — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 09:58:52 GMT

Hi Ali75

I have been in the same situation as you with my daughter. I know it’s hard and scary right now, but I want you to know that it can get better. Hang in there.

I understand your frustration; I felt the same. But it won’t help. You have to try to be calm and reassuring in the morning, reminding yourself that she is not giving you a hard time-she is having a hard time. I say that with no judgment, it is an incredibly frustrating experience for you both.

I suspect your daughter would also prefer to live her life and go to school as usual (unless it is the school environment itself that is the issue). She may also be scared and not understanding what’s happening to her.
The key message I used here was that, while anyone can fall ill at any time, people also get better. Normalise help seeking for mental health conditions and share your own experiences, if you have any.
Please know that there are range of strategies available that will help your girl get back to school and thrive (mine did) but it really depends on what mental health condition she is experiencing. When you have a diagnosis, you and school will be able to work together to support her.

I know it’s frustrating that she’s not talking to the psych but it’s still a win that you are able to get her to attend. I encourage you to persevere. Your daughter may be feeling embarrassed, nervous or scared but a good psych may find a way to connect.

You are doing a great job in a challenging situation. Please feel free to post any time and ask any questions that you may have. I am here for you.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Mark Z. — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 18:56:50 GMT

Hi Ali75,

I can tell that you're so worried and you really want to take good care of your daughter. Yes it's super frustrating.

Although it looks like she doesn't want to communicate, I guess she's feeling lonely deep down, hoping someone can understand her. Do you want to share what happened to her from the beginning?

If your daughter has a few close friends, maybe you can ask their support, let the young girl talk. It's always good if someone can get her to open up.

In life, try not to put pressure on her, do some warm little things to impress her, let her know you love her and support her no matter what. You can also introduce this forum to her so that she can post anonymously, express her feelings or ask for help. You may also all beyond blue hotline to get some professional help.

It's worth to try different ways. Hope everything will become better.

Mark

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

tmas — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 22:17:51 GMT

Hi there,

For most of high school I was just like your daughter. Im now 21 and thankfully a lot better.

Do you know why she is avoiding school? Is it a social problem? Does she have panic attacks? There are many reasons why this could be the case - for me I had extreme OCD that went under the radar, even when I had begun treatment. It took almost a year of psych sessions/CBT for my family to finally accept it wasn't social/academic, but it was health anxiety. I didn't go to school because I was having panic attacks daily and felt unsafe there - I didn't understand what they were, I got zero sympathy from peers/teachers, and my anxiety spiralled out of control. I'm not saying this is the case for your daughter, but clearly anxiety is so high in the school environment that she feels (on an instinctual level) like there is some threat which must be avoided. This anxiety is also what delayed my trying meds - meds are a long journey, they have several side affects, but she must decide whether the benefits outweigh the POTENTIAL of side affects occurring. Usually obvious side affects are minimal and ease off within a few weeks, but maybe she's avoiding specific side affects (or feeling mentally stuck and afraid of change).

As for speaking with the psychologist, are you sitting in on sessions? How do you know she doesn't talk (have you observed this, is the therapist telling you this, or is she telling you this)? Therapy sessions should be fully confidential, unless she is at risk of harm/harming others. I found it nearly impossible to speak when my mother was there as I felt a lot of shame - I was so anxious about speaking, and her trying to fill the void with her own interpretations of what was happening with me made it harder to open up. I found CBT very invalidating, and exposure therapy was hugely triggering and caused major setbacks. Make sure this is a therapist that she likes and is comfortable speaking with, maybe there is something she needs to open up about privately before she can start to really participate.

Try to be kind with her, her words don't have to implicate your own moral character (if she wants to open up that is, don't pressure her but it is important she has a safe space somewhere). It might be good for to look around here, though some forums might be a little intense if she is vulnerable right now. Best of luck to both of you 🙂

Re: Hi Ali75, Thank you for sharing this here. We hope you f...

Ali75 — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 00:57:27 GMT

Thank you so much for your kind words. I did have a look at the black dog institute and the Bite Back program looks good. I will get her working on that. At least she should be able to do 1 a week. She is a very difficult child in that she thinks she knows best and has an answer for everything in her favour. I ask her to go for a walk with me and she says, I can't be bothered. She is very shut off from me trying to help her in anyway at the moment.

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Ali75 — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 01:18:57 GMT

Thank you, your kind words really make a difference. I am so unhopeful at the moment. I am going to get help for myself so that I am in the right mindset to help her. I really don't know how to parent her. She has always been a glass half empty kind of girl. So its' really hard to get her to have a positive mindset. She has an answer for everything. And I have always tiptoed around her, which I think I need to start being firm but kind also. Did this help you? She did see a child/adolescent psych. My sister is a psych but lives in New Zealand. She has recommended my daughter start on anti depressants before revisiting another psych. But she is to scared to take them. She is scared it will make her feel crap. So frustrating because it most likely won't from a few people I have spoken to. I know I have to keep going and try things it's just exhausting.

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Ali75 — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 01:35:28 GMT

Hello, your words give me hope. It is so hard isn't it. I was just saying to my husband, it consumes me from the minute I wake up until I go to bed. I think about it the whole day. I am going to get some help for myself to help her. I am not in the right headspace to help her. I am so burnt out.

I like what you said while everyone can fall ill at any time, people can get better. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She has been diagnosed with Social anxiety at this point. I think due to all the lockdowns, she was just happy being in her own little bubble at home. Being 13 just starting year 7, she fainted on the first day of school. She thinks everyone is laughing at her and criticising her. I have hope she may get back to "normal" whatever that looks like. She is begging to be home schooled. But I don't have the capacity to do that. And I don't believe it will do her any good due to avoidance. Can you briefly outline the strategies that helped your daughter? I am meeting with school next week. I should have done this much much earlier but can't beat myself up about it. Thank you so much for your kind words, it really has helped. Alison x

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Ali75 — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 01:40:34 GMT

Hello Mark,

I am really worried and a feeling a bit hopeless, thank you for recognising that. It has in my opinion been a combination of the constant lockdowns last year, and turning 12 going into year 7. She has high anxiety, stress going to school. I think from what she has said she hates her classroom peers, a few loud boys. She was diagnosed with social anxiety. That is a really good suggestion for her to join the forum as well..

Thank you

Ali

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Ali75 — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 01:51:49 GMT

Hello Tmas,

Thank you for sharing. I was in sessions with her at her request. She didn't want to be alone, found that very stressful. She would say she wouldn't say anything to her that she wouldn't say to me. She just didn't have the right connection I think. She has high social anxiety maybe even phobia. I just wish she would get on the meds at from talking to others they help immensely. she has a very negative mindset. Which has just become habit. So everything that was presented to her as tools, she said doesn't work.

What you said is right "but maybe she's avoiding specific side affects (or feeling mentally stuck and afraid of change)." It's like she doesn't want to try and get better but maybe just afraid.

So from your point of view, how do I get her to take meds or does she need to reach this on her own.

Ali

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Guest_1055 — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 01:54:10 GMT

Hi, I was a little similar to your daughter in some ways. Is she at that "trying out independence stage maybe?

When younger I had trouble speaking also. Is she a better writer do you think? I know I was and am. It's a challenge to communicate verbally. Social anxiety type stuff.

Also when I was young I was the middle girl in my siblings. Always felt not noticed. But not understanding why.

Now know I was needing attention from my parents an emotional connection to them.

What is your daughter interested in doing, hobbies, fun things etc. I would just have some fun time with her, spending time doing the things with her she likes. No pressure on talking. Just simply enjoying each other's company.

Also homeschooling is an option ..maybe she would prefer that.

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Ali75 — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 02:02:06 GMT

Hello Guest_1055,

She could be at that trying out independence stage. A wise friend of mine, said to try and give her a choice where I can, so she can still feel like she has the power. Not always easy though. She is only one of two and does get a lot of attention. We do a lot together. It is just social anxiety when the focus could be on her with peers. She is fine at an event in public but not at school. I do not want to home school. This is what she wants but I don't have the means to do that and I don't think it would help, just due to avoidance. Thank you for taking the time to answer, really appreciate it.

Ali

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Summer Rose — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 10:57:17 GMT

Hi Ali

I’ve read through the thread and just want to add a few thoughts on medication…

My daughter also fell sick at age 13 and didn’t want to take medication for her anxiety/OCD. My view and the advice of our medical team was that it was essential.

We talked a lot about how there is no difference between a mental and physical health condition. If you’re sick, you’re sick. And if the doctor says medication can help it makes sense to take it.
Ask your daughter if she would refuse medication to treat a heart condition, eczema or diabetes? Ask her why she thinks this situation is different?

Let her know that if she decides to take the medication it will be kept 100 per cent confidential. Remind her that she has nothing to lose by trying—if it doesn’t help after an agreed period (I suggest 3 months, as they will take about 6 weeks to kick in) then you’ll support a change in approach.

If she is steadfast in her refusal, ask her what’s the alternative? Given she won’t speak with the psych and doesn’t want medication ask her to share her thoughts on how she’d like to work on her recovery.

I would also explain to her that all medications have possible side effects and openly discuss them, so she is well informed and doesn’t lose trust in you (the first anti depressant my daughter was prescribed did not help, it made her worse).
You two have a long road ahead and trust and negotiating boundaries to protect her privacy are really important. You need to be a solid team.

Who will manage her medication? After our first experience with our GP (which was a disaster for a variety of reasons) I engaged a paediatrician. Much more knowledgeable than a GP and far less scary than a psychiatrist.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Summer Rose — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 12:08:35 GMT

Hi Ali

Back again with some thoughts on school…

I should disclose that my experience comes from a private school environment and support for a student with anxiety & OCD. Your experience could end up being different.

Our school required evidence of a mental health condition. This took the form of a letter from my daughter’s psychologist that explained her condition and how it impacts on learning and academic performance, and then a follow-up meeting with me and the psychologist at the school.

The kind of supports that were discussed included:

funding for, and provision of, an aid to help with organisation, staying on top of schedules and deadlines, etc.
The option to take a lighter class load. While this can narrow academic choices and ATAR down the track (eg if you drop a second language) it does help to ease the pressure.
Flexibility to apply for extensions when anxiety flares (as opposed to a million hoops to jump through and repeatedly having to explain yourself).
Extra time to complete SACs and exams and a separate room to complete them in.
Provision of a safe place of refuge within the school where my daughter could “escape” should she become anxious, overwhelmed or panicked (you don’t want your girl trying to leave on her own when she’s unwell).
An agreement that there is no requirement to call the attendance line each day to report non-attendance (I found that ritual soul destroying). Absence due to illness becomes assumed. But you need to be on top of where your daughter is to keep her safe.
An agreement that it is okay for your daughter to arrive at school when she can without penalty, as opposed to the pressure to be on time.

Ideally you, your daughter and your daughter’s psychologist should collaborate on the required support ideas. And this should include additional tailored classroom support. Hopefully once your daughter knows that school will be different next year her anxiety will lesson.

Once everyone has agreed on a support plan I encourage you to ask school to document the plan in an Individual Learning Plan (ILP). Ideally the ILP would be circulated to all of your daughter’s teachers before the start of the next academic year to ensure everyone is on the same page.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

Summer Rose — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 12:15:16 GMT

Hi Ali

I just had two more thoughts.

Firstly, I strongly suggest that you seek and obtain your daughter’s consent to make any disclosures to school. It’s her health and her privacy and you don’t want to betray her trust.

Secondly, have you considered changing schools? Could be a compromise outcome between the school she doesn’t want to attend and home schooling.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

tmas — Fri, 25 Nov 2022 06:22:55 GMT

Hi Alison,

I also requested my mother sat in on sessions - I was anxious about one on one interactions (social phobia). I was young enough that I didn't know how to do stressful situations/doctors without my "protective shield" (mum), but old enough that her opinions no longer reflected my reality. Maybe therapy is too formal/intense for her at the moment. Has she tried doing therapy as video sessions instead? Zoom sessions were kinda great for me when the pandemic began, I could do what I needed to be comfortable enough to speak. I used to do them from my bedroom.

I understand the fear of enabling her - I've also been on her end of things and years of my life were agony because of people ignoring my distress. I don't fault them for it, but minimising a "child's issue" will always backfire, their distress is just as real to them as anyone else's. It's a fine line to tread, but exposure therapy needs a solid base to begin on. CBT and tools did absolutely nothing for me, and never have, different formats suit different people (unfortunately CBT is just what the gov subsidises bc it's seen as a quick fix).

I was heavily medicated for 7 or so years and this included probably 20 medications in the end. They made it physically improbable I'd have a panic attack (awesome), but they also made me agitated, gave me tachycardia and fluid retention, messed my digestion & hormones, kept me wired/drowsy. Skipping/changing the dose gave me huge mood swings. None of them solved the real issue at hand either, that's why they're generally considered conjunctive to therapy. Worth it? Absolutely, but I was at the whim of doctors and they got it wrong sometimes.

Fainting at school from anxiety is quite alarming - panic attacks will 100% be causing any person to avoid triggers. I really hope she can get to the bottom of this. Please treat her with empathy - even if she says something you don't like or seems rude, maybe give her a chance to spell it out. A 13 year old isn't exactly eloquent, let alone one in survival mode. I can only imagine the stress you are under, I know I did it to my own mother, I felt a lot of guilt for it. But this isn't a battle against each other, show her you're on her team by listening.

Re: My daughter has high social anxiety, refuses school and now refuses medication to help.

tmas — Fri, 25 Nov 2022 06:37:11 GMT

Just to comment on this, an ILP will involve lots of supportive staff and engagement with the school on everyone's part. While it may be good to have one in place, and (in my opinion) is very important for the school to at least know of her diagnoses of current condition, I think she should be involved in deciding what she wants the leniencies to be.

Chances are she wouldn't want anything that draws attention to herself, nor would she want to have to "sit down and chat" with particular teachers who all tell her something different and out of touch. I had and ILP in later high school and it seemed half the teachers didn't care and would treat me worse due to poor performance, or if I asked to "go to the bathroom" I'd get told no, without opportunity to explain the ILP.

For the half that did understand, they were mostly kind and I appreciated that. The most useful thing I got from it was permission to leave class and go to a particular office where I could be supervised when anxiety was too high. For me this was the counsellor's office - I could sit in the waiting room when I was recovering from episodes, if they knew I was there I wouldn't get detention warnings for disappearing in class for taking my panic attacks to the bathroom/fire escape. They might also recommend the nurses office or if there's a school office.

It would maybe be good to have communication about her behaviour in class (if she's withdrawn some days, or they notice something shift), and especially so that they don't start changing her grades due to circumstances she isn't fully able to control right now. Besides, the best thing that ever happened for my mental health in high school was graduating.