topic Trying to grow in Welcome and orientation

Trying to grow

Annewithan-e — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 09:15:54 GMT

Hello people. A bit about me.

...I’m in a tough place.

I’m trying to learn how to face my past. I’m not very good at it. It goes against everything I’ve promised myself for my whole life, the way I’ve learned to live.

I have some really bad days, but no one around me would really know, because I work so hard to make sure I don’t impact anyone negatively. I am the ‘fixer’, the one who people confide in. But I don’t share any of my struggles or vulnerability with anyone.

I am trying to learn to talk, I have a great psychologist, but I am finding this incredibly difficult and destabilizing. Sometimes I just don’t quite know what to do with the feelings.

I am trying to find ways to release some of the hurt and anxiety, and I find myself here.

Thanks for being here x

Trying to grow

tranzcrybe — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 10:57:10 GMT

Hi Anne(withan-e),

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hear how much you want to address your past to help you move into the future.

You have made a positive step already by reaching out to us and engaging a psychologist where confronting the difficulties/instabilities are sure to be part of the solution.

We are here, and are good listeners, and you can be yourself without fear of judgment. I'm happy that you have joined the forums, Anne (with an 'e').

Regards,

Trying to grow

Annewithan-e — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 13:16:57 GMT

Thank you tranzcrybe. It was really nice to get a reply.
I’m not sure that I really *want* to address things but I’m at a stage where I don’t have a choice. Xx

Trying to grow

tranzcrybe — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 13:36:43 GMT

Hi Anne,

There's no pressure here - you always have a choice on what, when, and how; as long as you feel comfortable doing whatever you feel is best. You will find much support here on the forums.

Regards,

Trying to grow

geoff — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 16:51:31 GMT

Hi Anne(withan-e), sometimes being the 'fixer', the one who people confide in, can make it difficult for you, because it can actually block access to your own suffering in trying to find a solution for yourself, while these other people are looking up at you.

Write down what's troubling, this can be easier than talking about what's concerning yourself then give this to your psychologist, it might then open the door of communication.

Take care.

Geoff.

Trying to grow

White_Rose — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 18:12:18 GMT

Dear Anne(withan-e)

Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story. It can be so hard to get past your feelings and open up to someone especially when you have been the helper or fixer. It's great to know you are talking with a psychologist. While it may take a while to let go for long enough to tell the psych it will happen.

I have been in a similar situation as yours, wanting/needing help but afraid to confide in anyone. It's not a good place to be. Sometimes, as Geoff has suggested, it's easier to write down what you want to say. That way you can write as little or as much as you wish. Others have said it's helpful to write here making BB your journal. I'm not sure how you feel about this. Just keeping a personal journal may the best you can do at the moment.

It is surprising how good it feels to scribble down your thoughts about anything. You can write what you like because no one is going to read it except you. Writing can help you to 'talk' about whatever is perhaps less painful and give you the confidence to venture further into those dark places. You can post here about anything you choose and we will respond with care.

I know all of us want the best for you and we are willing to walk with you for as long as you wish. I hope you had a good night's sleep.

Mary

Trying to grow

Quercus — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 18:50:07 GMT

Hi Anne,

Welcome to the forums. I'm off to work now but wanted to reply so I can find your thread again later. Sorry that this is short.

Reading your posts just now there were two words that stood out very clearly to me and made me feel both curious and worried for you.

Destabilizing.
Choice.

It's exhausting and frightening being in pain inside. Being forced to face the pain is even scarier. I'm not surprised to read you feel so shaken and am glad to read you have a good psych you trust enough to let in.

When you wrote you don't have a choice but to face your past and are feeling vulnerable I felt worried for you.

There is always a choice. I was curious why you feel forced? No need to answer that of course. Mary (White Rose) is right when she says you can decide what you want to talk about here and what not to.

Sometimes it is easier to talk with strangers anonymously than people in your life. Everyone here will listen but you get to decide what you feel comfortable talking about.

Hope today is a peaceful day for you.

❤️ Nat

Trying to grow

Annewithan-e — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 19:13:45 GMT

Oh thank you Nat, Mary, Geoff and T. I’m not sleeping so much at the moment. But I nearly cried when I saw your responses this morning. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me.

Maybe I was being a bit dramatic. I do that in my own mind a bit... I know I have choice, but I don’t like the alternate outcomes.

I have managed to ‘put away’ or park I guess a lot of my past, ignore it and pretend things didn’t happen. I was how I coped. I have been struggling with emotional and visual flashbacks, getting more frequent etc. stopping me from sleeping and distracting me during quieter times when I’m not busy enough. It’s getting rather intrusive which is why I feel I have no choice but to do something to address it all, or be completely overwhelmed. But I hate saying out out loud. It feels like dramatizing or attention seeking.

I do feel and hope that I can be more honest here with strangers, Nat.

Mary and Geoff, yes I am working on trying to write but I get incredibly scared of even putting things out there in writing, it somehow feels more vulnerable to have a physical record. I have been working with locked notes on my phone and sometimes I have sent a little to my psychologist.

she is so lovely and patient, I have been seeing her for 2.5 years and we are only really just getting to some of the really painful stuff. I have been so closed off. I am trying so hard but I just freeze, choke up and zone out. It is so different to my ‘real’ life where I appear confident and capable and don’t *stop* talking. Then I feel like such a failure.

tranzcrybe you sound as patient as she is.

I just feel this pain so physically, I need a release from it, I am losing patience with myself.

Thanks all for your lovely advice and support.

Trying to grow

tranzcrybe — Wed, 28 Oct 2020 04:05:53 GMT

Hi Anne,

Thank you for your kind acknowledgments, and I think you are doing a great job relating what's hampering you so far.

Struggling to voice what is deep within you is not failure - words are hard to find. Losing patience with yourself, however, is something I would ask you to be gentle with along the journey. It takes courage and belief in yourself despite the resistance you may be feeling, and you want things moving in the same direction if possible.

A wealth of experienced caring members have joined us, so I hope you can feel assured that you will be in safe hands at all times.

Kind regards,

Trying to grow

Annewithan-e — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 13:28:24 GMT

Thanks...

I do think that’s part of the problem that you’ve hit on there. I honestly don’t have much courage or belief in myself.

I have a lot of trouble with how slowly I’m moving in my sessions. I’m so upset with myself at how I retreated yesterday. I couldn’t face talking about what we had been for the last few weeks.

Then there was the part where she asked me if there was any thing at all I liked about myself to which I quickly replied ‘no, not a thing’. She said ‘ouch’.

I am feeling things from a lot of angles, or should I say, on a lot of fronts. There are quite a few fires right now. It’s hard not to feel like it’s a bit too much.

thanks again for listening...

Trying to grow

therising — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 20:10:24 GMT

Hi Anne(withan-e)

Without a doubt, it takes a courageous person to manage what they fear. In your case, you are gradually and courageously managing understanding your past and your self. It sounds like this is one of or even the bravest thing you've ever done. I know it's easier said than done but try not to be too hard on yourself throughout such a mind and life altering challenge.

It can definitely be hard to recognise the best in our self until we're led to relate to the best in our self. From personal experience, being led to relate to myself differently (than how I did during my years in depression) has definitely changed the relationship I have with myself. I can easily see the best in you. I hope you don't mind if I share my view

You are uniquely sensitive. While being sensitive comes with challenges, it also comes with advantages. While we can be sensitive to hopelessness, we can also be sensitive to what hope feels like (even if there's not a lot at times). I imagine you sense some hope, being here. While we can be sensitive to degradation, we can also be incredibly sensitive to inspiration. There's nothing quite like the feeling inspiration brings or when there is some revelation that suddenly comes to us, we can truly feel the impact. And while we can feel the impact of insensitive people, we can feel even more impacted by those who are just as sensitive and thoughtful as our self. It can feel like finding a 'soul traveler' on our path in life. All this talk about feeling leads me to...
You have the ability to feel emotion. It's a strange experience to observe physical emotion objectively. Sounds strange to ask 'What part of my body is aching or in pain because of my thoughts?'. This is like 'body language' on a whole new level. Strange to consider what 'heartbreak' feels like or what 'joy' feels like or even what 'a rise to courage' feels like. In 'working up to courage', our body can definitely get worked up to hyperactivity. By the way, we never work up to courage without feeling it, physically
You obviously have the ability to recognise inspiration. Whether it comes from someone who's guiding you or it comes to you from out of the blue, you have the ability to let your guard down and follow it. Trusting in inspiration can be an incredibly difficult thing to do at times. It can be deeply challenging

These are just a few of the incredible things I see in you. If there wasn't a word limit, I'd go on and on about how amazing you are.

🙂

Trying to grow

tranzcrybe — Fri, 30 Oct 2020 03:38:18 GMT

Hi Anne,

There is a degree of trust and faith required to respond to others (professionals in their field) without filtering your thoughts and feelings - they rely on this information as there are no scans, blood tests, or any amount of physical prodding that could provide the slightest clue as to where the source of your suffering lies. You are the gatekeeper of this domain and you ultimately decide who to invite in.

Although I suspect you may have been more annoyed at yourself than the psychologist, the 'ouch' response probably arose from the metaphorical slamming of that door, leaving you both standing on the outside in bemusement.

Your terms of reference reveal much of how you feel - fighting those "fronts" sounds very combative as much as it appears desperately defensive. However, you can choose to view those "fires" as either destructive, by their terror and what they raze; or cleansing, from the necessary clearing away of debris and for the rejuvenation that follows.

In your own time, Anne - patience and self acceptance shall propel you forward.

Kind regards,

Trying to grow

Annewithan-e — Fri, 30 Oct 2020 10:27:45 GMT

Wow therising...

I actually feel a little overwhelmed that people who know so little of me are taking the time to write to me. But also that they are so insightful and generous with their comments.
I am certainly over sensitive to others thoughts and opinions... or actually my perception of what their thoughts and opinions are. I am constantly scanning and preparing myself. So I guess the generosity that comes from places like this is of course a welcome change to what I feel I am primed for and expecting. I guess here the support is not conditional, it doesn’t come with strings or expectation.

it’s interesting how you talk about feeling emotion. I’m learning that I have very limited skills in identifying my own emotions. I am learning that I feel things very physically, but have trouble linking the physical reactions to actual words. I do get upset that I zone out, abreact, dissociate and see them as loss of control or my body failing me.

I feel conflicted about your belief in me. It’s nice for a second but then often any form of compliment triggers an internal attack / shame spiral. It’s such an innate reaction it’s hard to control. I always appreciate the generosity though. So thank you.

as I said... I’m trying but I feel like I’m at the bottom of a steep hill xx

Trying to grow

Annewithan-e — Fri, 30 Oct 2020 10:39:02 GMT

T, like I said to therising, I do really appreciate your comments. It’s hard not to feel really alone when you are not accustomed to letting anyone in.
You are right when you talk about trust and faith. I honestly trust my psychologist she is wonderful. She hasn’t given me any reason not to have faith in her, except for one big reason... I question that she has so much faith in me. I question how she can just believe me, and everything I say, how she can know if I’m just making it all up. It sometimes makes me question if I’m just looking for attention or what I really want.
So I identify with what you say, that I decide who I want to let in... but even when I try so so hard, I fail. I dissociate, I feel disgusted by my own stories, I know she already knows the theme but I can’t give the story. But I want to. But I do keep ‘slamming the door’ and jamming my own damn finger in it!
your fire analogy is good. It may be cleansing... I can see that, and my psych has alluded to the same, but I’m still petrified. But out of patience.

xxx

Trying to grow

therising — Fri, 30 Oct 2020 22:09:07 GMT

Hi Anne

I wish we all had a detailed education, growing up, when it comes to how we function on a number of levels; 'feelings' would then make a lot more sense. Raising our self, to greater understanding, sometimes has to come at a later stage. By this stage, there can be a lot of unlearning or letting go to do in the process.

When you speak of things feeling conditional, it makes sense. A lot of our life can involve us being conditioned to behave or think a certain way, until the conditions become intolerable. This is when that question can pop up, on a whole new level of intensity, 'What's wrong with me?' Sometimes, the simple answer is 'I've been conditioned poorly. I've been conditioned to not be my natural self and tolerate the intolerable. I've been conditioned to be what everyone wants me to be'. For example, we can be conditioned to suppress or ignore emotions rather than rely on them in order to gain a sense of truth and direction. Instead of being told we're too sensitive, it would make more sense to hear 'Trust that feeling. What is it telling you?'

I've come to realise, all those sayings in connection with emotion make sense'. 'Heartbreak' comes with a certain feeling in our chest. Feeling 'choked up' about something impacts our throat. We can be massaging our neck while at the same time proclaiming 'Gee, that person's a pain in the neck (they cause tension)'. Even 'I'm sick of you' can equate to 'I'm sick because of you, inducing feelings of nausea and tension (aka dis-ease)'. Someone once asked 'What does the truth feel like?' Sounds strange but, for me, I can get 'a chill', when something 'rings true'. The truth can also feel challenging at times, often because it's challenging that part of us that's been conditioned to go against who we really are.

While I've faced some significant challenges throughout my life, what's challenged me the most has involved 'letting go'. About a year and a half ago, I faced the overwhelming heartache and fear that came with feeling like I was going back into a depression, when inspiration came to mind, 'Let go'. My fear: If I let go of all I was conditioned to be, who would I be? Nothing? Again, the words came to mind, 'You have to let go. Trust.' I can remember in that moment saying 'Okay, I let go' and then sobbing like an out of control maniac for about 5 minutes straight. Such a thoroughly exhausting experience is what led me to begin finding my self, my true self, buried under all the conditions.

🙂

Trying to grow

tranzcrybe — Sat, 31 Oct 2020 14:07:45 GMT

Hi Anne,

"I question that she has so much faith in me. I question how she can just
believe me, and everything I say, how she can know if I’m just making
it all up"

Although it is difficult with words on a screen, there are often subtle indicators accompanying what we say. You are believed because you project the need to be believed - self doubt is to be expected as you grapple with what you have long accepted as normal. Despite your need to shut the past away, it is still very much a part of you.

As for your psychologist, you are on the journey together and, while she may have the map, you are lighting the way - one is equally reliant upon the other. Fear for what you discover is understandable, but it is the quest on which you have embarked .

Kind regards,

Trying to grow

Annewithan-e — Tue, 03 Nov 2020 09:34:35 GMT

Thanks guys.

Its just hard to keep trying when I just don’t feel like I’m moving forward.

I just feel like everything is just too much sometimes.

Trying to grow

Annewithan-e — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 11:44:50 GMT

I don’t know if anyone will see this but I’m struggling tonight.
Things have gotten a bit on top of me. I’m fighting the physical pain of anxiety firing up. I feel sick about going to work tomorrow. I don’t know if I can face it. I feel like such a coward. I’m so sad. I’m scared I won’t stay under control tomorrow and I’ll let people down.

Trying to grow

Sophie_M — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 11:58:44 GMT

Hey Anne,

Thanks for reaching out and keeping your friends on the forum updated on how you've been going. We're really sorry to hear that you're struggling tonight and feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and we think it might really help to talk these thoughts and feelings through tonight. If you feel up to it, we'd really encourage you to give one of our kind counsellors a call at our Support Service- they're always here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 if you're wanting a little bit of extra support tonight. Our friends at Lifeline are also available to you anytime - night or day- on 13 11 14 whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

We hope you're feeling a little better since you posted, and we hope you continue to update on how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

Trying to grow

tranzcrybe — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 11:58:49 GMT

Hi Anne,

I just stumbled on your post.

Sorry to hear of your racing thoughts. What are you doing to dispel the cycle right now?

-t.