topic Blue Wombat says 'Hello' in Welcome and orientation

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 01:48:34 GMT

Hello....please bear with me...I am new to this.

Briefly, I am a married mum with an adult daughter (35) who lives in the UK. Her Dad and I emigrated to Australia 12 years ago and she was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, PTSD and possible BPD 8 years ago. Since then we have found it increasingly difficult to communicate with her as she is reluctant to Skype or phone, so we rely on sporadic email.

We used to have a close and open relationship but she has become quite passive aggressive over the years and we find it harder to cope given we are not mind readers and are kept at arms length. She is married (her husband also has mental health issues) and she has been unemployed since diagnosis. She receives therapy (CBT) is taking medication and has a support CPN.

Since her diagnosis she has largely kept us in the dark. We have supported her/them both financially and emotionally as best we could given the distance, time constraints and lack of communication. She does share information about her therapy but she is guarded about revealing certain aspects and obviously feels a great deal of shame for what she believes to be her own failings in life.

Her Dad and I have always been approachable and tried to understand and be there for her....she knows that, but recently she has pushed us further away, if that can be possible? We have our own health issues. My own are insignificant in comparison, but her Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer and diabetes 2 years ago, two weeks before Xmas.

Christmas is a particularly painful time for us. He had surgery and then chemo for six months thereafter, but earlier this year we found out his cancer has metastasised and is inoperable. The prognosis isn't good, so we are taking each day as it comes and trying to be as positive as we can.

Of course, all this is hard enough to cope with but we have no family or friends here for support. I am finding it all a bit overwhelming, which is why I am reaching out. We have a good GP....he knows I am anxious and depressed, but I am reluctant to take medication as I am receiving treatment for my chronic autoimmune liver disorder.

I have to be strong to support not only my husband but also my daughter, who seems to be oblivious to how difficult things are for us, when we should really be relaxing and enjoying our remaining time together. I am sorry if this sounds self absorbed, but I feel so sad and weak. All I need is a hug and call to say 'It'll be alright Mum'.....

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

smallwolf — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 03:47:56 GMT

Hi Blue Wombat and welcome to beyond blue. This must be a frustrating and lonely time for you? Made worse by the lack of contact from your daughter. This has also been a pretty crappy year - I know of someone else's daughter who lives in the UK and is struggling because of the covid situation. I know that is small consolation when all you want is some contact.

There are pages on the beyond blue website about supporting someone and looking after yourself. It is important that you can find some time to do things for yourself.

Just on your daughter... It could also be a case she does not want you to worry more than you are. At least that is the case with my mum.

What are some of the things you do during the week? Can you talk to your neighbour? All I know is that when I feel low it is as though nobody cares, when there are people that do.

Peace and comforting thought to you

Tim

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 04:32:09 GMT

Hello Tim....many thanks for your response. I think the disconnect with our daughter is upsetting me because she knows how I worry. When we last visited two years ago I was in tears pleading with her to pick up the phone, even if it was just to say, 'I'm okay Mum'.

I send her uplifting emails but it's hard to know if she is up or down, especially if she doesn't reply, often sometimes for a week or two. I don't want to get on her case, but even though she's an adult she will always be our daughter and we do worry about her for obvious reasons.

As for her Dad, we accept what will be will be, and we will make the most of and cherish what ever time we have left together. I just wish she would call so we could talk. It's particularly hurtful when she knows how her Dad's prognosis.

Most of our time here is spent attending hospital appointments. Four out of five days every other week at the hospital. We are home birds. We do have neighbours but they are what we call 'fair weather friends'. Okay for a chat in the lift, but they keep themselves to themselves.

Some do know that my other half is battling cancer but it's almost like they don't want to know...which is sad. We are always friendly and chatty but there isn't a friendly community here.

To be honest, we aren't so much lonely or depressed with each other's company, we've been together 38 years....and don't crave other peoples company, it's just that I wish our daughter was less abrasive and self absorbed....and yes, a little kinder. I do understand that's a symptom of the disorder, so I accept it, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Even my brother and sister in the UK are 'distant' too, so maybe it's in our genes, or it's a sign of the times? It doesn't stop me caring though.

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Croix — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 09:55:37 GMT

Dear Blue Wombat

Being with someone for 38 years is a blessing , and comes with it affection and when needed reassurance. It is love and it goes in both directions.

I guess in your shoes I’d be looking for that reassurance and affection from your daughter and be pretty well heartbroken and greatly worried these do not seem to be returned – through no fault of your own.

Judging people by normal standards when they have one or more mental health conditions can be inappropriate, as an example if someone is suffering great depression and stays in bed all day it is not laziness but inability.

As someone who has had PTSD and depression (but not bipolar though that can have many similarities) the ability to talk with others shrinks. One wishes to simply left alone and can react with anger and resentment if disturbed. I’ve often wondered why after all being asked if I’m OK, or offered a cuppa II get angry, after all it is a measure of that person’s concern, not a threat.

The conclusion I came to was my mind was already 100% full of the thoughts and fears generated by the illness and simply had no room left to interact with others, basically I felt I could not cope with more.

I found that discussions involving my condition were a pressure, and made me withdraw. I also felt that they could never understand never having faced it themselves.

I cannot say for certain these are the reasons you do not hear more from your daughter, however logic is probably not going to bear fruit. Perhaps if you were to talk of more pleasant things that did not involved illness or the grim matters in the future.

I’ve filled up emails with talk of my animals, or movies, or similar, just to provide an element of lightness so the receipt of your letters or emails are not regarded with trepidation or anger, but with a looking forward to as something peasant.

Forgive me if you are already doing this, however again in your shoes I would have put in the state of her father, or your love worry and concern.

Perhaps it is time to try to reopen links with your brother and sister too, what do you think?

Croix

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

smallwolf — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 10:35:35 GMT

I don't know why, but distance somehow makes conversations slower. My parents would only be a 1000 miles away and we might not talk for 2 months. In the same place and we talk weekly. I can also remember the time we wrote letters. Things are both faster and "slower" with technology.

With things like WhatsApp, FaceTime, Skype etc. communication is much easier. As Croix said... Perhaps chat with your brother and sister? Not sure how often you talk with them... Or what you talk about. Do they know what you are going through? These can be moments that deepen relationships? Well, I hope they are the sort of person who listen and can respond appropriately. Might not be the same as speaking with your daughter....

Tim

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 10:48:22 GMT

Hello Croix,

Many thanks for your thoughts. I do usually try and keep my emails to my daughter light and breezy....and witty, often waffling on about the minutae of life and always ask how things are; if there's any thing we can do to help; how the latest meds and therapy are going etc. but often I get no reply. It is very frustrating and bewildering given the circumstances, although I accept being bipolar is probably at the root of it all.

I have even got the blame for 'pushing her into an episode' because I've sent a well meaning article I've read about bipolar disorder. I do feel like I'm treading on eggshells half the time.

I know she has self-harmed in the past and in the early stages of her diagnosis I know she didn't enlighten us on the seriousness of her condition. I would be more than happy to just 'keep it light', but more often than not am left wondering what things are like at home, because I know she is struggling. I feel powerless to help.

As for my brother and sister. Perhaps I was a little unfair. I do get regular emails from my brother, who delights in getting my very chatty emails, but does not want to know much about our lives (or our daughter) other than to report on the daily humdrum of Covid lockdown.

My sister is a Nurse, but surprisingly we have never had what I would call a close sisterly relationship...she is much younger than I am. Again, I have always made the running when it comes to communicating. Perhaps I am too needy? I am often sad at this time of year as I envy those who have caring families who rally round and travel far and wide to keep the home fires burning.

I don't judge anyone for not wanting to communicate....I just think it's a bit odd, but maybe it's because families are now fragmented and not as close as they used to be? It is hard to keep things going when we are at the other side of the world, I understand that.

I used to think 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', but realise now it's more like'Out of sight, out of mind'. Am I expecting too much? I guess I must be. While my husband and I are together 24/7 we are a strong unit, even with this prognosis, but the thought of losing him and being left alone with no family and friends to support me, fills me with dread.

All I ever wanted was to be a good wife, mum and sister....but I feel I've lost something along the way. It is hard though to keep strong when you feel so weak, but I'll keep going.

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 11:12:54 GMT

Thanks Tim,

I do keep the lines of communication open, more with my brother than my sister, who only tends to send birthday and Christmas greetings. More often than not I send newsy emails in an effort to keep the dialogue going but am left waiting for months on end for a response.

See my response to Croix. It's not for the want of trying. To be honest, I am at a loss to wonder why people can't be bothered anymore? As you say, it's easy to Skype or email.
I know when we moved to the States when my Mum was alive I used to rack up a hefty telephone bill calling her a couple of times a week, just to see if she was okay?

I have mentioned the difficulties we are having communicating with our daughter and touched the subject of mental illness and how we worry but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I can't tell you how this lack of support impacts ones self esteem. It's like pushing an elephant uphill. I appreciate your input and the comments from Croix too.

Thanks to both of you.

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Croix — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 11:42:56 GMT

Dear Blue Wombat~

I understand al you are saying and for some absences does make the heart grow fonder, but for many out of sight is less trouble, even if affection is still there. with oyur brother I can very much sympathize with his predicament if in lock-down in the UK.

Um, how to explain the next bit. It may be hard to understand. If someone had sent me an article, learned or otherwise, upbeat or not, on PSTD, anxiety or depression -I would be angry and put out, Thinking it was trivializing my condition or giving unasked for (and probably off-target) advice.

The same applies on how the latest meds are going.

Bear in mind to I did not have BPD either, which can generate it's own set of reactions.

Now I know that reaction would have been completely irrational and if I had had any sense would have read the article to see if htere was anything of merit in it. But back then the illness dictated my thoghts and actions.

I honestly do not think my behavior at the time indicated a lack of love and affection, simply suppressed it. It came back as I improved. My wife bore the brunt of this and I think the fact here mum was there to provide emotional and practical support helped her immensely.

Looking to yourself I would think now is the time for you to look outside the wonderful relationship you have had wiht your partner and see what else there is in the world for you. My first wife died in her forties after a long and predictable illness. I spent an awful lot of time wiht her, but also joined a group of acquaintances who became freinds and played cards or dungeons and dragons or similar every week. It helped keep me going after my partner passed away.

I'm not suggesting those pastimes for you, but the idea for seeing ore people might help tide you though the heartbreak and loss and leave you not entirely alone.

Actually that is why I suggested ties with your brother and sister, however now you have explained perhaps you need to look elsewhere. Perhaps your husband might have suggestion or two.

You are a strong and determined person with intelligence and a lot of love. You will weather these storms.

And of course you are always welcome here

Croix

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 12:53:42 GMT

Thank you Croix,

With respect, I sent the article in good faith hoping that it would inspire her as it was very positive and was meant to give her hope and reassure her that all was not lost. Perhaps I was naïve in thinking it might help? That's the trouble with this awful situation. How can I help if I'm unaware of what is going on, both with her mental health and with her day to day living? She was (and is) clearly struggling, heavily in debt, self-harming and not getting the treatment she needed due to an oversubscribed and under-funded mental health system. I don't know what else I was supposed to do?

Anyway, thank you for your input but I don't need to be admonished for trying to do the right thing by my daughter. I feel badly enough as it is, without feeling more clumsy and guilty about trying to help her, however misguided my attempts are at supporting her.

I appreciate your suggestions about getting out and about, but for now my focus is staying here with my husband and supporting him as best I can. As you can see, I am finding it difficult to keep all my plates spinning at once, but I'm doing my best.

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Croix — Wed, 23 Dec 2020 09:23:25 GMT

Dear Blue Wombat~

Admonishment was not my intention, far from it, and my apologies as you felt it was. I guess I'm clumsy sometimes.

Croix

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

smallwolf — Wed, 23 Dec 2020 10:50:12 GMT

I hope you don't mind if I tell you a little story...

I few years ago I had time off work. I was in a suicidal frame of mind. Each Fri I would spend with my parents. Sure, they would ask me how i was... typical conversation starter but other than that the rest of the day was just normal chatter. Nothing about MH or my work. Just allowing me to be me in a relaxed environment.

I can understand your concern for your daughter, it is only natural and I don't think that parents ever stop worrying. The current environment would not be helpful either in the UK. Perhaps a heartfelt email for Christmas just telling your side of the story, of how concerned you are, not because of MH issues but because she is your daughter. I recall from your previous post that all you wanted was a hug and told it would be alright. Renewing of a connection.

Your daughter might have problems responding?

My psychologist gave me some tips in this area for talking to my wife. Of course this might be a mute point if you have sent something to her recently. For me something in writing can be emotional to.

PS. I am hopeful that if you phoned you brother or sister and told them how you were feeling they would listen? Otherwise what would be stopping you?

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 23:30:10 GMT

I have tried to explain fully that reciprocal communication is the key problem here (mainly) with my daughter. I have made strenuous efforts to communicate, but I keep getting stonewalled, for reasons that are unbeknown to me. As I said, It is not for the want of trying.

I have been supportive and understanding, towards my daughter and her MH issues. I have been gentle and in no way confrontational, but when one is kept in the dark it is very frustrating and worrying for us as parents.

Our relationship used to be very close, but over the last few years we have both felt pushed away, despite our efforts to 'keep things light' with unconditional love and support.

I have limited dialogue with my siblings, again, despite my efforts to have a 'normal' family relationship. I look around and wonder why? My husband reassures me that it's not my fault there is a disconnect and that I should just accept that some people are just not as outwardly caring towards each other as we would wish.

The bottom line is that I am in an unhappy place. My husband has terminal cancer and his prognosis is not good. My daughter is bipolar, at the other side of the world and limits her emails to me (often to one line) and despite my pleas, refuses to talk on the phone and my siblings show very little familial interest or concern.

I have done my very best to show I care for all of them and that's all I can do. I keep hitting a stone wall when I reach out and I am saddened that people don't seem to want to make an effort these days, especially when they know I could do with some support through this difficult time.

I came to this website to reach out for support when I was feeling low, but quite honestly I feel worse now because I feel my own efforts to communicate have been brought into question. I am exhausted already but trying to explain and justify my actions is too much.

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Croix — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 02:40:36 GMT

Dear Blue Wombat~

I do understand and feel for you, it is a terrible situation to be in to have the partner you love so seriously ill and to have a child who has such a mental state, particularly so far away. My own partner passed away a year after she was diagnosed

Mental illness can plant ideas in the brain and embeds them so firmly that the person cannot be dissuaded they are not real. For example a person may simply not be able to go outside the house and no amount of reassurance will make any difference. The same can apply to fear of using the phone, or writing an email or any number of other false ideas.

I'm saddened to say that sometimes when trying to communicate with someone who has a mental illness things simply do not seem to work, no matter what is said. I am very sure your letters or emails are indeed loving, supportive and show great care and I am in no way criticizing them

Although hard to understand there may be many reasons why they are read but there is no reply. I would suggest you do not see that as reflection on yourself, in fact just the idea of having the security of a mother that cares and loves may be making a great difference in your daughter's life, even though you have never been told.

I think it is probably a tribute to your love you receive even a one line email from time to time.

May I wish you and your husband peace and love this Christmas

Croix

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

quirkywords — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 03:31:47 GMT

Blue wombat

I have read all your posts and can understand how exhausted it must be when you have tried so hard to communicate with your daughter.

I have bipolar and also have an a adult child who has MH issues and felt once my child would communicate with others but not me. I would get so much advice from other people about what I should do or not do. It was so upsetting and everyone fe,t they could solve my problems. I tried everything.

I think the mother child relationship can be complicated and sometimes people are not aware how much effort we put into our adult children.

I think you are amazing how you have tried very hard to communicate and you keep on trying and have reached out here.

Your husband being so very ill has put more stress to your life. I am so sorry.

You will always be there for daughter and she will know that.

there is no need to explain your actions as I can see a very dedicated mother who wants her daughter to know how she feels.

Take care

Ps I like the photo and the name blue wombat .

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 04:18:02 GMT

Thank you Croix for that gentler response. I apologise if I sounded abrasive in my reply to you as I am sure your advice was well intentioned. It's just I'm a feeling a bit raw at the moment but I do appreciate the time you have taken to get back to me. I am also sorry for your loss and hope that you continue with your good health into 2021.

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 04:40:07 GMT

Hello quirkywords,

Thank you for taking the time to read my overlong posts and for taking the time to respond. It's hard to précis such a complicated situation into a few paragraphs, but you sound like you have seen both sides of the coin and are able to speak from your experience as someone with bipolar and with an adult child who also has MH issues.

Looking at everything in context I can see how one issue affects the other and I am learning how to cope. I am mindful of the Serenity Prayer, which my brother kindly sent me recently.

God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,

The COURAGE to change the things I can,

And the WISDOM to know the difference.

Thank you for your understanding and kind words, they are very much appreciated.

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

quirkywords — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 10:52:34 GMT

Blue wombat

thanks for your kind words.

I find that serenity prayer to be very helpful.

I think hard part is know which things you can change and which things you have to accept.

I use to find after trying to change things I couldn’t , I gradually learnt to accept that.

Blue wombat you are coping with a lot in your family, I hope you can find time for yourself and are kind to yourself as well..

Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story and how you are coping.

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

smallwolf — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 13:34:16 GMT

Hi. I am sorry my last post upset you. I have a much better understanding of how things are for you so my last post was in haste.

I wish I had the answers about why some of the people we write to do not respond. Even in my mind and reframing thoughts I am unable to find something to hold onto.

Uncertainty, unknowing, controlling are things I have difficulty with... the serenity prayer was something I was told years ago. And it is still hard.

To save you from anymore heartache from me, I shall refrain from posting.

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

Blue_Wombat — Sun, 27 Dec 2020 00:03:34 GMT

To quirkywords, Croix and smallwolf,

Thank you all for your input to my thread. I was in a very dark place, as I explained and felt quite disconnected and hopeless, but yesterday a rainbow appeared. Our daughter and SIL called on Skype and we talked for nearly an hour! My mood was lifted instantly, because it was like talking to a different couple.

I don't know what has happened, but for the first time in many years our daughter looked well and happy. In fact they both did. Considering the events of this last few years, this has given me hope that things will and have improved for them both.

The conversation was light and upbeat....I let them guide it. No pressure, no 'Spanish Inquisition', no expectations and to be honest, it gave me hope for the future.

The hug I was after was given 'virtually' (without me asking for it) and I am hoping that things improve for us all. It's a good turn of events anyway. I felt better and grateful.

A good ending to what has been an awful year and hopefully a positive new beginning for 2021. Moral of the story....'never give up hope'.

My wish for the New Year is that everyone in that dark place finds the light to guide them along the path of Positivity and Hope....just keep going.

Thank you for your support.

Blue Wombat

Blue Wombat says 'Hello'

quirkywords — Sun, 27 Dec 2020 01:57:38 GMT

Blue Wombat thanks for sharing your wonderful news.

Yes never give up hope. I am so pleased for you. Your story will give hope for others. Thanks for sharing your story.