topic New member, lonely. in Welcome and orientation

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 22:58:06 GMT

Hi everyone, I'm Tayla & I'm 20. I'm new to this BB Forums as of yesterday & someone recommended I post in the welcome thread, so here goes. I'm a bit anxious & still learning to properly use this so please bare with me, my apologies.

I made a post of my own which I'll link, so please check it out & reply if you can, I'd appreciate it.

I live in a small country town in Regional Victoria, it has about 4000 or so people, a town where everyone knows everyone pretty much, except me. I like the scenery (nice walking tracks & a lake) & nice bird life, & its' peaceful, but thats about it really. Some days the loneliness & isolation really gets to me. Everyone is 3-5 hours away & I don't talk to anyone or see anyone. I even joined groups on Facebook for things that I like such as bands, but that can be good & bad since people can be mean unfortunately.

I called my local triage & the guy on the phone was quite rude which made me upset since it's my first time contacting a triage. He refused to talk to me & let me come in basically, I don't know why, I was polite & just looking for support. I'm seeing my GP & Psychiatrist who I'm happy with, especially my Psychiatrist. It's a while in between appointments with my Psychiatrist but I understand that he's busy, but it's worth it I suppose.

I went to the local Headspace Centre & the manager & group members (I have no idea what the group was supposed to be for, I got nothing at all out of it), made fun of my mental illnesses so I complained & she lost her job, of course I haven't been back & I won't. eHeadspace have also always been rude to me as in pushing me away & so forth. I understand they have lots of people to talk to but that's unacceptable. My Psychiatrist agrees with all of this.

I just have my parents which yes, they're supportive. I don't have any friends, I see everyone else out with friends & I wish I had that even doing basic things like watching TV together. I can't study for a few reasons because it's super expensive for one, & the free courses I found it says you need certain things & had to a previous course etc. I don't know why.

I've asked everywhere here for jobs, volunteering etc. Everyone says no, I've asked in person & said I'm willing to learn. The groups here such as sewing, etc. I'm told are for people in their 40s, dunno why. I feel so discriminated against. I'm doing my best & everything I can, it's so hard. I colour in, listen to music & walk my dog.

Please reply, I'd appreciate it a lot.

New member, lonely.

pinkwren — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 23:33:43 GMT

Hi Tayla 🙂

Welcome to the forum! It's really lovely to see that you have reached out and opened up, so thank you for sharing your experience 🙂 Don't worry about being new (I am too) - it's a very kind and supportive environment on here, and we are all here to help each other.

When I read your post, I was sad to hear that so many mental health support centers have been unwelcoming and disrespectful to you - like you said, this is never okay, and I hope that the places you visited for help will be more accepting and kind in the future.

It's good to hear that you have a GP and psychiatrist to talk to - it sounds like they have been helpful to you 🙂 Do you know of anyone else who you may be able to talk to? There are many support places online that might be helpful to you, like these forums, and online and email messaging between psychologists at BeyondBlue and other mental health organisations. Perhaps these might be worth a try? I've used Kids Helpline email counselling service numerous times, and they have been so supportive and helpful, and I hope that maybe this is something that can support you too 🙂

Calling a helpline is another way you can access support - like I said above, they're super kind and helpful and would never dream of being disrespectful 🙂 I'll link these below.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have many people to hang out with - it's good to hear that there are a few social groups in your town - perhaps joining one will be helpful? I know you said that the town's sewing group is for middle aged people, but it still might be worth a try in going, as you may find that the people within the group are very supportive and kind individuals to be around and spend time with.

Along with other social groups, are there any sport teams or groups that you might enjoy going to? Perhaps there could also be some lovely people there to hang out with 🙂

You're doing really well by doing everything you can at the moment - it will get better and things will improve 🙂

Please remember to be kind to yourself in the meantime and take care too ❤️

Hope this helps 🙂

Much love,

Helpful links:

KidsHelpline 1800 55 1800

Mindspot Clinic 1800 61 44 34

SANE Australia 1800 18 7263

The Black Dog Institute also have a list of support groups in every state that can connect you with other support groups near your area. Perhaps this might be helpful too 🙂

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/getting-help

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 23:43:35 GMT

Hi pinkwren, thanks for the reply. I love your username, so cute!

I've talked to Beyond Blue, Kids Helpline, Lifeline & SANE on the webchats, & eHeadspace but eHeadspace has always been bad for me. I tried the Suicide Callback Service web chat on Google Chrome but their web chat & Skype won't work for me on a laptop, not sure why? I don't like talking on the phone much.

I'm not really a sporty person, although I wish I was & I've thought about that too yeah. There's not much sport here either. As for the groups, I've asked every group here I can join - beeswax wraps making, sewing, dog walking, every single thing, & I'm always told it's for middle aged people. I've tried volunteering at the local Hospital & they say no. So it's hard, I'm doing everything I can, I really am. It feels like I'm getting nowhere.

Yes my GP is nice, & my Psychiatrist especially. I feel more comfortable with my Psychiatrist, I'm not really sure why, I think it's just his kind & professional manner. He doesn't make me feel rushed & I can tell he actually cares & wants to help me not just prescribing me medication. Whereas my GP kind of makes me feel rushed & doesn't ask me if I have any more questions or anything like that. But I understand that they're both busy & have more patients. It is a bit upsetting though, but I'm quite sensitive.

I've also looked at The Black Dog Institute like you said, & I'm doing a free online Mindspot course, but I haven't found Mindspot helpful exactly. Thanks for the recommendations though.

Thanks again for your reply, I appreciate it. I hope you're ok yourself, & welcome to the BB Forums too. I hope you can find some kind support here also, like me.

Much love & hugs back,

Tayla xx

New member, lonely.

poorlydrawn — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 12:22:41 GMT

Hi Tayla,

So good of you to reach out! And, it looks like you are doing great at making use of the forums, so well done you 🙂

I'm very sorry to hear you have had so many negative experiences both when trying to seek help and with trying to make connections within your community. I have had some difficulty getting help from phone 'lifelines' as well, and like you, I don't particularly like talking on the phone so I understand your difficulty there, for sure. It's good that some of the services now offer online chat or text messaging rather than just phone calls, but I still haven't found them all that helpful to me. My psychologist is the one who has been most helpful to me.

It's such a shame that your community groups aren't welcoming of younger members. I think it always makes things more interesting when there is more diversity to a group, and age is just a number, really! There's no reason why you can't be friends with a middle aged person, if they would let you join. It's so brave of you to keep going and trying all these different groups anyway - i'm super impressed!

In terms of learning, might I recommend FutureLearn if you haven't tried it? They have free courses on all kinds of things, and I have found people there to be pretty nice and supportive. You also have the option to learn at your own pace. Take a peek and see what you think 🙂

See you around, I hope - and thanks again for your supportive words for me!

Cheers,

p.d

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Mon, 10 Feb 2020 09:57:03 GMT

Hi poorlydrawn.

I'm very sorry for just replying to this now. Thank you for replying though.

I'm sorry that you haven't found things like Lifeline that helpful either, I suppose it's different for everybody. I'm glad that you have a great Psychologist who supports you however. It's hard to find that type of support & comfort these days.

I agree with you about the groups & the ages, like what's the problem? Thank you for saying I'm brave though, I don't think I am but I appreciate that.

No I've never heard of Future Learn, I'll look it up, thank you.

Again I'm so very sorry for just replying now, I feel bad. But I hope to see you around more also and chat to you, and try to support you as much as I can.

I hope you're alright, take care.

Love and hugs,

Tayla xo

New member, lonely.

felix mendelssohn — Wed, 12 Feb 2020 11:20:15 GMT

Hi there Tayla,

You're my very first post! I haven't even done one for myself yet!

I can relate to your experiences on several levels. I too am new to these forums (obviously), and I if I break any rules please put it down to ignorance.

I'm also 20 and come from a regional town of a few thousand, though I've since moved to the city for uni. When I return home for holidays though, I still very much experience the loneliness and isolation that you speak of. I also live a bit out of town which just makes things worse. Being away from all of my city-based friends who are socialising without me takes a toll as well, though I guess that's not so much of an issue for you...

From what you've said you seem to be very proactive in dealing with your mental health issues (what are they, if I'm even allowed to ask that?? idk help) and in reaching out to all of these volunteer groups you're very actively trying to address your isolation. Seriously, you should be applauded for that. Their responses are of course disheartening, but I guess if what you say about everyone knowing everyone except you is true then I can sort of understand it. Rural folk just tend to inherently distrust and reject people they don't already know to be in the community, at least that's my view of the situation... Not saying it's right, just presenting a possible reason for their otherwise bizarre behaviour.

Do you have any friends from school (I'm assuming you've grown up there?) that you could get in touch with (who are still in the area)? Even just old acquaintances? If so maybe you could gently nag them to get in touch with you next time there's a social gathering happening that you may be able to tag along to?

Also, try not to overlook the value of having supportive parents. They might not provide the gratification/validation that comes with having 'earnt' a friend, but having that rock solid base at home will help you in so many other ways!

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents. Hope you get to read this and that you're keeping well.

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Thu, 13 Feb 2020 12:26:05 GMT

Hiya Felix!

Wow, I can't believe this is your first post and it's on my thread, thank you so very much, I truly appreciate that. If you post something yourself (up to you) I'll happily check it out in return! Welcome to the forums by the way.

I'm sorry to hear that you relate, but I guess in some ways it's sort of comforting knowing I'm not alone with a few things, although it's sad.

Nice to see someone who is 20 also. I'm sorry to hear that you experience loneliness too, especially when you return from holidays. I suppose it can be harder living in smaller towns sometimes. Some days it doesn't bother me that much. Good on you for going to Uni though, even if it's a bit far to travel, that's a good achievement itself so well done.

yeah things take a toll on me too, although I don't have anyone my age or a teen to be friends with and hangout with, not even online. I don't talk to anyone from primary or high school for a few reasons, people are just busy unlike me, which I guess I understand.

Thanks for saying I'm proactive and trying actively to address things. My diagnoses are: Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety (or Generalised Anxiety Disorder), PTSD, Social Anxiety & AVPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). AVPD is a bit hard to explain so I guess Google it perhaps?

I agree with you, and thanks for saying I need an applause, you're so sweet. But I suppose you're right, when everyone knows everyone in a town like where I live, and new people move in, I guess it makes things hard for some people sometimes. I suppose it's somewhat understandable.

And yeah I do appreciate my parents and what I have, I feel sorry for less fortunate people such as those without a home, food, parents, and many other things. Puts my life into perspective.

Thank you again for replying and for this being your first post, and on my post, seriously thank you! I appreciate it so much and it means a lot. I hope to talk to you more and be friends on the forums. If you make a post I'll check it out, up to you though.

I hope you enjoy the forums and I'm here for you also. I've been down lately but I guess I'll be OK. I hope you're alright yourself.

Take care, speak soon hopefully! Lots of love and hugs,

Tayla xx

New member, lonely.

poorlydrawn — Sat, 15 Feb 2020 13:26:33 GMT

Hi Tayla,

Nice to hear from you, sorry for my own slow reply - life in the way at the moment and been too tired to be on here much. Sorry you have been a bit down lately - if you want to talk about it, I will try and check in and be online more often if I can. There's some nice people here, so hopefully we can help you a little 🙂

Take care and best wishes,

p.d

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 03:25:16 GMT

Hi poorlydrawn, no problem.

I'm sorry you're dealing with a lot at the moment, I am too. I hope things improve for you and you feel better, I'm here for you also if you ever need me.

Love and hugs,

Tayla

New member, lonely.

felix mendelssohn — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 10:04:03 GMT

Hi again Tayla,

You can have my second post too! How about that?

That's quite an impressive list of diagnoses; I wish I had that many! Haha, just kidding, but to think that you've been making so much effort to improve your situation in spite of all those disorders is pretty awe-inspiring. To be honest it actually makes me a bit angry at those people in your town for not giving you a fair chance, but hey, what can you do?

I looked up the AVPD and I think I sort of understand it... sort of a very strong and debilitating inferiority complex? Or I'm just thinking, my understanding of an inferiority complex is that you normally try very hard to prove yourself and/or take others down because you very palpably feel inferior and would very much like to feel superior. But perhaps with the AVPD the inadequacy is just so profound that to feel superior just doesn't even register as a possibility? Am I close to the mark with that or still blissfully ignorant of what you're experiencing? I'm also sort of curious, do you find talking online to be much easier than in person, in that the security/anonymity/distance mitigates some of the anxiety you'd otherwise experience? Sorry to bombard you with questions as well by the way, I'm just both ignorant and nosy, so feel free to pass over anything.

You mentioned again that you don't have anyone to hang out with, either in person or online.I don't really have any solid suggestions for what to do about that without knowing a bit more about everything, and even then, I'm no expert. But in the meantime I'm happy to be your online friend, even if I'm anonymous! Desiring social contact is a very natural and reasonable feeling though, and, I may be wrong, but I'd hypothesise that typically for people around our age the... appetite for social contact might be particularly strong.

As for sharing a bit about me in a post, I might do that soonish, I've just yet to convince myself that my troubles are actually valid and worth other people's time and attention, you know? Plus I'm slightly paranoid about people I know seeing it and working out who I am and all that (hence why I'm not even ready to give a first name, sorry). Unreasonable fears, I know, but real fears.

Sorry to hear that you've been down. I'll try to check in at least every couple of days or so, and I'll be all ears if you want to talk through anything. Even just general life related stuff. As for me, I've been a lot worse, haha!

Hope to hear from you soon Tayla! 🙂

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 12:04:02 GMT

Hey Felix, nice to hear from you again, thanks for replying again!

And thanks for letting me have your 2nd post too haha, you're too sweet.

Wow I never thought of it in that way, how you think its awe inspiring that I've tried to do so much despite what I've gone through, thank you so much, that means so much to me, just like the rest of your kind words.

I guess I've tried my best. I agree with you about the people in the town, I have no idea why they're like that, yeah there's a couple of young people and nice people but it's only at high school in the actual town, or even surrounding places, which I don't go to anymore (thank goodness). I suppose I'll keep trying, we'll see.

Yeah I guess you'd be right about how you described AVPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). To be honest I'd never heard of it either until I was diagnosed with it a while ago. Basically one symptom I always remember is this:

Craving all this attention from everybody and anybody - online, in person (strangers and people you know such as family, ect). but then not wanting anyone's attention and just wanting to be alone and as the name suggests, avoid anything including interaction.

Also thinking the worst such as the fear of not being liked, and more things, which is also paranoia and depression. I guess it's a mix of all of those diagnoses sort of.

Don't be sorry about all of the questions, you're not bombarding me and you're not ignorant and nosy at all, not one bit. I like talking to you! I mean we've only briefly spoken but I enjoy chatting with you and I hope we can chat more and support one another.

Yeah I don't really understand why there's not much here for young people either where I live as much as I've tried everything.

Thank you so much for saying that you'll be my online friend, that means so much to me also. I'm happy to be your online forum friend too, I'd love that! I agree with you, it's hard for young people, including me, which is sad. but it's sad for anyone anywhere in the world who struggles with anything whether it's mental illnesses or not.

No problem about you posting about yourself or not, that's entirely up to you if you feel comfortable. If you do though I'll check it out. And hey, don't be silly, you and your troubles are valid! And of course you're worth other people's love and attention, including mine, which you have, always!

Don't worry I understand your paranoia, it's alright. I'm sorry you're feeling that way though.

Love & hugs, forever friends

Tayla

New member, lonely.

felix mendelssohn — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 06:33:52 GMT

Hey Tayla,

Hope all is well with you - I've been pretty flat out with uni starting back up again for the year. I'm trying not to fall behind before I even start.... So that's my excuse for not getting back to you sooner.

Hmmm, so with the AVPD it sounds like maybe you appreciate the validation that comes with human-social contact, but find the stress and vulnerability that comes with maintaining relationships unbearably intense? I'm sure there's loads more to it, but does that sound about right on a very basic level?

Just to share my own experiences on that issue, I take a very long time to trust anyone and develop genuine friendship. At the same time, I am very disinterested in 'small talk' - instead I like to talk about really juicy, often personal subject matters. As a result, I either come across as very intense when I'm getting to know a new person and put them off, or alternatively aloof and not interested in chatting because I'm not giving much back in small talk. The friendships that I do make I will often obsess over. Then if I somehow sense that they are not investing the same effort/energy into the friendship, I will feel betrayed and manipulated and seclude myself without them having any idea of what's going on. Ultimately, I too am lacking a lot of the validation that comes from human interaction. So I don't know if that is any way similar to what you're going through with the AVPD, but it's sort of my parallel experience.

I also just thought as I was typing that, do you have any relatives outside of your direct family that you ever visit and/or speak to (cousins, aunts/uncles etc.)? And if so, how do you go with interacting with them? I find that when I'm with my extended family I do not feel as strong a need to be liked, as there is an underlying current of good-will and acceptance of that comes with being of the same blood. My family is very stable though.

I'm going to leave it at that for now because I'm very very very very tired... Please do message me back with your thoughts on this stuff and/or indeed anything else that's on your mind!

Felix

New member, lonely.

felix mendelssohn — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 03:50:41 GMT

Hi Tayla,

I just wanted to check how you're going? I know you said you'd been having a tough time lately so I wanted to make sure you're alright. 🙂

Felix

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 04:55:03 GMT

Hi felix, thanks for replying.

I'm okay, how are you? Just stressed and whatnot though.

Yeah your description of it sounds about right.

No I don't have any other family or friends.

Tayla

New member, lonely.

felix mendelssohn — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 06:43:16 GMT

Hi Tayla!

Thanks for getting back - I was actually a bit concerned for your wellbeing, but I suppose that concern is something we just have to accept in a community of vulnerable people...

Glad that I sort of understand the AVPD. I really enjoy being able to understand other people. I think it gets me out of my own mind a bit. 🙂

I am getting by - I posted a general whinge about myself which keeps getting shifted around by moderators (I think it's in the depression section now?) so you can check that out if you like. Most recently, I saw my psychologist today for the first time in months and I think I may have actually broken him with my existentialist views, but hopefully he'll see me again.

That really sucks that you haven't got that extended family to draw upon. Do your parents have friends of their own with whom you can socialise? I, for example, will sometimes tag along with my mother when she goes to get coffee with a friend (of hers) in town. There's no real pressure for me to 'carry' the conversation which I find helpful. Of course these won't be people in their teens/twenties, but they'll probably be more mature and understanding of any social reticence you may have. Many people our age are very shallow and self-interested anyway, just from my observation. When I'm feeling lonely, I find doing this is very good for getting out of the house and keeping sane. Interested to hear your thoughts on this!

Felix

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Thu, 05 Mar 2020 01:20:48 GMT

Hey Felix. Sorry for my slow replies!

Thank you for worrying about me, that means a lot, but you don't have to! How have you been though?

Yeah AVPD is difficult to explain I suppose, it's sort of like social anxiety, I don't know how to explain it properly. But you seem to get what it is.

I'll see if I can find your thread, thanks. And no, not really. We had a family friend come down over the Australia Day weekend, that was alright. We're looking on visiting them too, just not sure at the moment plus with appointments, etc. But we'll see.

We did have some family friends who have young kids (6, 9 & 12 or something? I can't remember their exact ages), but they haven't spoken to us since Christmas Day so I don't know what's happening.

Thanks for replying again, sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

Take care,

Tayla

New member, lonely.

felix mendelssohn — Fri, 06 Mar 2020 03:14:18 GMT

Hey Tayla,

Yeah, my current experience is difficult to explain and share succinctly, but yeah, I'm alright I think. Right now I just want to cry for no reason at all so writing this is a welcome distraction

I recognise that none of my suggestions so far have really been that helpful so I think I'll stop trying to suggest things, which is kind of difficult for me because I like to solve problems. But it's probs for the best because I clearly just do not have an informed enough understanding of anything

If I might just recommend one more thing though, I find listening to (and playing) music extremely helpful for so many reasons. In relating to the emotions conveyed in the music we can realise that we're not totally alone in how we feel, it can alter mood (to a point) and distract us from other thoughts. Of course there can be a flipside - if your musical tastes are too niche/esoteric then that in itself can be a socially isolating experience if you try to bond over shared musical tastes with someone else. But I guess that's not a very common problem

Stay well and keep in touch 🙂

Felix

New member, lonely.

Guest_4643 — Fri, 06 Mar 2020 05:38:26 GMT

Hey Felix.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down, I'm here always if you'd like to talk about anything or just someone to listen.

Your suggestions are helpful and you are knowledgeable, I appreciate them, I just have lots going on at the moment but I'm thankful to talk to you and for your suggestions, aswell as everyone on the forums I talk to.

You have been helpful, truly. So thank you.

I completely agree with you about music, that's one of the many reasons why I love it so much, it makes me feel less alone and I'm inspired by the singers and their experiences, and how they've been so successful. I also like laughing at stuff to do with the bands, like rock and metal memes haha.

Take care, I'm here if you need me. Stay well too,

Tayla

New member, lonely.

Sophie_M — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 00:42:33 GMT

We are letting you all know we're closing this and all Tayla's other threads except for Looking for some self care and coping strategy tips please.

Keeping to one thread will make it easier for members to keep up with mb20lover's story, and saves everyone having to repeat information.