topic Going to try this.... in Welcome and orientation

Going to try this....

Pinkgiraffe — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 07:13:42 GMT

Hello everyone, I have had an account here for ages but have never used it, so now is the time. I am 49 years old and live with my partner of four years who has been the most amazing gift of love and support. My previous diagnosis was on Complex PTSD (years ago) and for many years I was able to go without medication but have recently gone back on. I receive good counselling but I don't know if I still fall under that diagnostic category - right now I feel a great numbness and lots of various anxiety issues. I also have a chronic illness so have been isolating from COVID since March.

'm hoping to reach out to people on here, listen as well as be able to share my stories and I think I really need to begin to talk more to people about both my situation and support other people (which always feels like I am doing something productive). I could go on for ages about my situation - my biggest issue right now is that my brain is not working as it used to. Not sure yet whether it is depression, my chronic condition or something else, but I work in academia and I am currently unable to function the way I am meant to when working in a University setting. It is a long story but I'm hoping people here may be able to give me some words of kindness and wisdom. Thanks for listening.

Going to try this....

monkey_magic — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 07:44:02 GMT

Hi Pinkgiraffe,

A warm welcome to the BB posts.

I'm also medicated and experience numbness and don't function the same as I used to. From my experience it sounds like symptoms of the drugs. Since being on them I've not felt like myself which might be the same as you. Something to consider anyway.

You could always get another opinion on your diagnosis?

I'm actually booked in to see a new psychiatrist next month.

Or if you're feeling like you don't have the symptoms of Complex PTSD trust that.

I'm happy to hear you have such a loving and supportive partner- a blessing.

💜

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smallwolf — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 12:42:57 GMT

hi and welcome to beyond blue. We all have different stories to tell and all have something valuable to say. I have found that talk therapy has been helpful for me as well as writing here. I do not have time just at the minute, but I will share some of my experiences with you at a later date. In the meantime I will listen to your story.

Tim

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geoff — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 18:35:45 GMT

Hello Pinkgiraffe, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Each one of us has our type of depression but there is a common trend, it consumes us with loss of energy and how we are feeling, all in different levels of not being able to function, and I say this, only from experience and not as a doctor. but every person who reads this or has joined understands.

If you want to come back and explain a little more about your uni settings, then we can assist you with our experience.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

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Pinkgiraffe — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 22:41:56 GMT

Thank you for your reply. I am about to have a phone appointment with my GP so I will mention the possible issue with the medication today. I've also been having increasingly bad migraines, so they could also be a part of the reason.

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Pinkgiraffe — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 22:50:03 GMT

Hi Geoff and thanks. I have a long story but after dealing with a DV situation I started Uni many years ago, first few months my daughter and I were couch surfing and eventually got into public housing. I ended up doing really well at uni, and eventually finished a PhD a couple of years ago. I'd worked really hard to get myself out of some bad situations, moved to another city, started a full time post doc and after many years of being alone started a new relationship. But sadly two years ago my feelings of anxiety crept back - I left the post doc role and decided I was going to work part time and pursue some creative ideas which assist me emotionally. This year with Covid hitting, I am struggling with doing any academic work. I can't seem to be as intellectually on top of what I used to, and only work two days a week at home. After all the work I have done, I now get paid to occasionally write and collect resources for the uni. But I also just don't have the passion I used to anymore and can't conjure it up. In some ways Covid just brings out more of my reclusive nature, but due to the other chronic stuff I don't leave the house and also feel too tired to engage with most people over the phone or net. I thought if I got back on here it might help and stop me from shutting everything in my life down.

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monkey_magic — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 22:54:29 GMT

Morning Pinkgiraffe,

I also get migraines. It's started after taking meds.

Hope that helps.

Good luck with your GP appointment, hope it goes well.

💜

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pinwheel23 — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 01:27:18 GMT

Hi Pinkgiraffe (love the username by the way),

The Covid situation has definitely appealed to my introverted nature and has had me barely interacting with people as I would usually. So I just wanted to say that you've done a great job reaching out here. We're all here to listen and support you.

It sounds like you've achieved a lot over the years. You should be proud of all that you've done in addition to the work you continue to do 🙂

It can be kinda frustrating when you don't feel passionate about something that used to be a big part in your life. I'm not too sure about whether it's something that can be brought back without it coming to you naturally. Perhaps passively attempting to work on something might help? Trying not to put too much pressure on yourself to perform to your previous standards (although that can be really difficult).

I look forward to hearing more of your story

Take care,
pinwheel23

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InhaleExhale — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 02:03:33 GMT

Hey Pinkgiraffe,

Welcome, I hope these forums are helping to stop you from shutting down. I think the anonymous nature is so helpful for people to reveal their true feelings when talking face-to-face is too difficult.

I use creativity too as a mental health buffer. I wonder what it is that you are interested in?

Completing a PhD is a phenomenal achievement. It sounds like you have been through huge struggles in the past, let this give you hope that you can do it again, even with covid getting in the way.

InhaleExhale.

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Pinkgiraffe — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 05:37:36 GMT

Thanks Pinwheel23 and InhaleExhale. Last year when I left my Post Doc I decided I was going to get into painting and drawing, as well as do freelance writing. I went through a period of really loving all of that and now I still enjoy it but am not doing it as much as I was beforehand. I have many great thing in my life which I am doing my best to hold on to and remind myself of those things daily. I recognise so many people are not in as good a situation as me, so I hope I can help others as well on here :0)

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GlussTea — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 06:55:44 GMT

Hello Pinkgiraffe. I joined today and this is my second post. I couldn't believe it when I read your story. I can realte totally to your experience in terms of turning to academia. I dropped out of a Ph.D because it was just too hard, and left Melbourne with my ex and kids because he insisted. He was not violent but constantly belittled me and did not value anything I had worked for. I became depressed, and he was unfaithful. That was the last straw and I left, and I now suffer from depression. It sounds like you are actually remarkably resilient, after what you have gone through, and that you have achieved a fair amount, and are blessed with a loving partner. I have found that I have to accept that I have this mental health condition and learn to live with it, hoping that more days will become OK, although I am not there yet. I do about 1/100th of what I used to, but that's OK for now. The gift of intelligence has not left me - I just have to focus on healing to be the most functional I can. GlussTea

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geoff — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 19:49:52 GMT

Hello Pinkgiraffe, thanks for getting back to us, after several lovely replies.

You have accomplished a great deal and to get out of a DV relationship is just proof in itself, but it can still leave you apprehensive even you've done well in achieving a PhD and moving interstate and by doing these require an enormous amount of determination of wanting to be positive, or it maybe negative, or in between, but to do it, is terrific.

When it's possible for us to find another way to take up our days, we just have to be careful we don't saturate our new found joy, because it may burn out on you and that's not what we are after. so if you can, try and find something else, just so you can mix and match.

Great to talk with you.

Geoff.

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InhaleExhale — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 00:40:39 GMT

Hi Pinkgiraffe,

It’s good to hear you are still doing your painting, drawing and writing. I like to do a bit of everything, read, knit, craft, woodwork. Posting on these forums is actually a huge help to others. There are many many people in similar situations who read the posts but don’t comment, so you are helping others simply by posting. If you’re interested in some volunteer work you could search around on the forums and have a go at replying to some posts. The social forums in particular are a bit of fun.

I just wanted to mention from your original post you were concerned about your brain not functioning as it used to. Depression definitely impacts on brain functioning and I think slows everything down. You might be frustrated because you have been very academic and had high-level functioning in the past. I could definitely relate to that. As your depression eases your functioning should return. You’ve been through a lot and need time to heal.

How are you finding things at the moment?

InhaleExhale

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Rob C — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 03:12:41 GMT

Hi Pinkgiraffe

Firstly you need to stand in front of a mirrror look at it, smile and give yourself the thumbs up for finding a way to share your story. Truly.........well done.If I know one thing I know that sharing in whatever way you can is a critical step to better coming to grips with "stuff"......

I've been part of the Forums for some time but haven't posted for a while but have decided now to spend the remainder of Victorian Covid lockdown engaging with anyone else who may be struggling in whatever way.

I can't comment on the medical side of your circumstances, suffice to say I have been in a dark place more than once over the years ( BTW I'm 59) and interestingly enough I too have an education background work-wise and the last few months I've been struggling also. In many ways we can sometimes deal with one or two things or even multiple issues but when something like Covid comes along ( something no one has had to deal with) it can seem quite pervasive.

You are NOT alone my friend let me reassure you and to be frank some of the feelings you've described are more than natural. Possibly try and allow your self not to be perfect ( particularly during these times) and congratulate your self on getting where you have in life.

Take care for now.