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first timer here

Justjan — Fri, 10 Aug 2018 04:25:08 GMT

My seemingly perfect son seems to be unraveling and I missed all the signs. He is only 18 and seems to have the weight of the world on his shoulders. He has always been a quiet lad so I didnt notice when depression crept in. He didnt do as well as he had hoped last year at school so didnt go study, tried ( and is still trying ) to find work but most of the jobs require previous experience. In the past 4 months after turning 18 he has been drinking not all the time, but when he does its till he blacks out and cant remember. Scary. He lost his licence for dui and this past week landed in trouble again for damaging property while drunk.... but has no memory of it. I am so out of my depth, I dont know how to help him. He has today gone to see someone and is going to go for alcohol and depression counseling which I am so grateful for, but how do I help. In this drinking culture we live in how do I help? All his mates are turning 18 and now they get to head out to the clubs, drinking is all new and exciting for them.

first timer here

smallwolf — Fri, 10 Aug 2018 11:33:05 GMT

Justjan,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue. Sorry to hear what you and your son are going through at the moment. Can I ask what sort of work your son was looking for? Has he consider studying at TAFE? Or even something like railways, or not any of the "services" or even Coles/Bunnings?

But I can also tell you that many years ago, I did not get into Uni after high school so went to TAFE instead which lead me into the Uni and then some. So the first thing to remember is not to give up. There are other alternatives...

On drinking... there are some resources on beyond blue that you might be able to read. The best one that I could find for problem drinking is (GUIDELINES FOR PROVIDING MENTAL HEALTH FIRST AID TO AN ABORIGINAL OR TORRES STRAIT ISLANDER PERSON)...

http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0551

At least it would seem your son has identified a problem and is getting help and contains a section on how to give support, which applies to anyone and everyone.

Other users here might be able to give you a personal testimony for supporting someone, but I am listening and walking with you at this time. If you have any questions or want to chat...

Tim

first timer here

blondguy — Fri, 10 Aug 2018 13:28:28 GMT

Hello Justjan

Thankyou for having the courage to post on the forums

I dont think you have missed many signs at all. You love and care for your son and at his age you and I dont really have the ability to intervene directly. (I have a daughter that decided to stop going to school when she was in year 10. She is 25 now and I feel the same as you do Jan)

As a parent it can be hard work to even see the signs of our child being overwhelmed and using alcohol as a temporary coping mechanism

I am not making excuses for your son in any way. The young ones are under a lot of pressure in secondary school to perform....not to mention the peer group/social media pressures they are going through as well

You are not alone in what you are going through at all.

Can I ask (if thats okay) if your son has been reasonably happy prior to turning 18? If you wish to elaborate on your son's situation we will be able to support you more effectively

Just a note....The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post whatever is on your mind Jan....

I really hope you can post back when its convenient for you.....any questions are welcome 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

first timer here

geoff — Fri, 10 Aug 2018 22:57:50 GMT

Hello Justjan, it's not easy to post your first comment but pleased you have.

As our kids grow up we are never sure all of the time what they are thinking of or actually doing, as their personality develops, so you shouldn't put any blame on yourself, especially as he's 18 but using the alcohol to numb his depression.

It's a tough period at the moment because of his studies and not being able to find any work so his drinking has been a way to cover up all of these problems and I know that it's a great concern for you undoubtedly.

One concern is that all parents want to do is keep telling our kids to stop drinking, unfortunately, this doesn't work, the kids tend to want to drink more or at least conceal their drinking.

Someone will only stop drinking when they decide to do so, they can go to courses but will only learn so much, until they decide they need help.

Maybe suggest to him to apply for an apprenticeship, try and give him another direction in life, any ideas.

Geoff.

first timer here

Justjan — Sat, 11 Aug 2018 00:21:48 GMT

Hi Paul

Thanks for being in touch. My son was doing really well at school until his last year. Looking back I can see that he was feeling a lot of pressure to know what he wanted to do after school. All his friend knew exactly what their plans were and he didnt. I think that was the start of it. They are all getting on and moving forward with their lives and he is not. I have an amazing husband who is an awsome father but he is a high achiever and my son hates to disappoint him. He works out of state and has no idea what is going on at home. My son has asked me to tell no one till he is ready. So Im feeling a lot of guilt but I have to keep my sons mental well being in mind.

first timer here

Justjan — Sat, 11 Aug 2018 00:27:14 GMT

Hi Tim

Thanks for chatting. My son has been doing courses and getting tickets since he finished school. He has been applying for all jobs and apprenticeships in town. As he lost his license for DUI there are quite a few jobs hes not been able to apply for. He has got through to the interview stage for an apprenticeship next week . So Im hoping that goes well. But with the run in with the cops this past week and a court date to face hanging over him.... I just hope he can focus.

first timer here

Doolhof — Mon, 13 Aug 2018 02:14:51 GMT

Hi Justjan,

Hope your son is able to move on with things despite his issues.

I'm wondering if there are any other males in the family who might be able to tuck your son under their wing so to speak seeing as his Dad is away so much.

If he does not get into any work soon, it is possible to encourage him to try some work experience in places of his choice or volunteer work? Both opportunities will provide him with experience and networking possibilities.

I know you want to respect your son's wishes, I am just wondering how your husband will react when he returns home and discovers what has been happening?

We all make mistakes and growing up can be difficult. Hopefully you can have open conversations with your son and help him through this.

From Dools

first timer here

Justjan — Mon, 13 Aug 2018 02:51:00 GMT

Hi Doolhof

I do worry about telling my husband, but he has so much stress at work and there is nothing he can do to help till he gets home. I dont want to add to his stress. We have an older son and they are close but he is dealing with the break up of his relationship so it feels unfair to drop this on him now. We have no other family in Australia. He did go to headspace and had a session with them this past week so I am hoping he will open up to them.

first timer here

blondguy — Mon, 13 Aug 2018 12:20:18 GMT

Hi Jan

I hope you are doing reasonably okay and thankyou so much for posting back too! Your husband is working extremely hard and has his corporate responsibilities/pressures to contend with as well.Just my humble opinion if thats okay Jan. When I was in senior management/operations I was also under huge pressure from my directors yet my daughters' well being was always paramount to me

You are an amazing person to be handling everything as well as you have been with your son (Headspace + a session with them!) You have been doing everything you can considering the circumstances

my kind thoughts

Paul

first timer here

Justjan — Tue, 14 Aug 2018 03:57:37 GMT

I am feeling so stressed today. At 4 pm we have the meeting with the lawyer to discuss my sons court case. I dont know what outcome will be for willful damage to property is, feel sick to my stomach. I keep telling him not to stress but I am stressing. I wish he didnt have to go thru this. He is such an amazing kid, Im so proud of him. Yes he has made mistakes but I dont want him to think that these mistakes defines who he is. What he did when he was intoxicated was wrong but its something he would never do if he was sober. I just pray that they take this into consideration. He broke down and told me he needs help and we are getting it. I just pray for a good result today

first timer here

Justjan — Tue, 14 Aug 2018 08:10:35 GMT

my stress levels are going thru the roof. I feel so alone as I have promised my son I wouldnt tell anyone what has happened. I dont want to break his trust. Him opening up to me is a very big deal. But i know I will have to tell my husband . I just dont know how to bring it up to my son. He has been to Headspace last week for an evaluation but we r waiting for him to start his counseling.My husband will be home wen its his court date so I cant keep it secret then.

first timer here

blondguy — Wed, 15 Aug 2018 00:48:08 GMT

Hi Jan

this would be hard for you to deal with as the only parent with your husband away. Your health is important here as well. Having a chat to your GP will provide some well needed peace for at this time

Your mentioning the situation to your husband (by phone or email) is important as you are carrying all the weight of this at the moment. You and your husband as parents are ones providing the support and guidance for your son. It may be uncomfortable for your son yet his well being (you & your husband working together) will involve both parents to know whats happening which places your sons welfare as a priority

You can always explain to your son that you have no other choice....at this stage....except to communicate with his dad. If your husband's reaction is negative this wont be helpful to your sons situation or his well being

I hope you can consider booking your GP for a double appointment to discuss how much you have been having to cope with Jan

my kind thoughts for you

Paul