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Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

Snowy79 — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 20:38:27 GMT

Hi Im new to this forum. Ive been bottling things up for a few years now and I feel like I need to speak up. Ive recently turned 40 and I have a partner and two young kids. My problem is my inability to get a full time job and the subsequent depression and lack of confidence and self esteem as a result. Im looking in my career field and while I have worked full time and part time and casually I just cant seem to break through. I feel a failure as I cant provide for my family or contribute adequately even though my partner works almost full time. I feel like my partner resents me and I feel like I have ruined her life. My father in law also thinks im lazy and this is why I dont have a ft job and this is why. I dont know where to turn to or what to do. Im starting to get paranoid there is something wrong about me which is why I dont get work. Im starting to think some really dark thoughts and I find myself becoming detached from my family.

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

neilegend — Thu, 14 Mar 2019 00:16:46 GMT

I'm also new here and understand where you are coming from as I'm going through similar feelings of failing at adulting and life is getting tougher and harsher , you have come to a good place to help vent chat and get advice from others - I don't have advice for you but I'm sure you are not worthless useless or lazy , maybe just overwhelmed and feeling swamped by it all as it IS getting tougher to get worthwhile work out there 😞 hang in there and see what suggestions can be made here .

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

GoodWitch — Thu, 14 Mar 2019 00:20:26 GMT

Hi Snowy

I'm glad you posted here. Just asking for help is a huge step, so good on you for doing it.

For a start, based on your story, I can absolutely say you're not a failure. You've said you've been working, f/t at one point, also p/t and casually. Unfortunately the landscape of working life has changed so much that steady f/t work is no longer as common as it used to be. Most people take career breaks (not always voluntarily), go back to study, or have to take work that isn't what they want or as many hours as they want, because there's no other option. It sounds to me like you've been doing your best and still providing for your family despite these difficulties getting steady employment.

You say your partner is working almost f/t, so she no doubt is rushed doing that and having the kids. You sound like the kind of person who is already helping with the housework and child raising. Believe me, that is a priceless contribution. If you self-reflect and think there is more you can be doing there, by all means do that, but know that getting the house/yard/kids school or childcare in order is invaluable. It's possible that the resentment you think you're picking up on from your partner is exhaustion or stress. Have you asked her outright how she feels? Sit down and have a chat and open up about your feelings if you can. Reiterate how hard it's been for you not working f/t but assure her you want to do all you can while you're still looking for better work to help. Providing financially isn't the only way to contribute.

As for your father in law, I know it's hard to feel like an inlaw doesn't approve but unfortunately sometimes they just don't, no matter what you do. I could write an essay on my inlaws, but won't here. Perhaps nobody would be 'good enough' for his daughter. Sometimes they look so hard to find fault they don't see the good in people, it's why there are so many in law dramas here on the forum.

I hope you post again and let us know how you're feeling now. I know it's hard to open up, but please do talk to your partner. Admitting you feel sad is never a failure. It's actually very brave.

Hang in there

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

Snowy79 — Thu, 14 Mar 2019 05:29:34 GMT

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I felt good to open up and vent a bit. Its very uplifting for others to see it from another perspective. Even though I cant seem to land a full time job I still do quite a bit of work casually across 2 casual jobs and contribute a wage which would be akin to say a 3-4 days a week job albeit without security. As my partner is a shift worker, I do all the child care drop offs in morning, on my own 2 evenings a week and every 2nd weekend and most public holidays plus helping out all the rest of the time too plus I would do a lot of the cleaning and cooking. I just wish others could see value in what I do. Ive tried getting a full time job and I cant seem to be able to and that causes me great angst but being devalued also causes me stress and depression.

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

Bluebirdbrown — Thu, 14 Mar 2019 11:43:28 GMT

Snowy79,

i can relate to your situation. My husband is working kind of like a casual or part time job in a bakery factory. And it’s never a full time job. It’s exhausting while doing the shift work. on the other hand my husband is helping the sch runs which is great!

I understand that sometimes it’s not you don’t want but rather it’s the situation that forces you to be the way it’s. Pls do not see it as a failure!

Given the circumstance it’s ok as long as you have done the best you can. Also doing a full time job isn’t the only way to contribute to the family. On a non financial way, helping with the kids and doing household work are equally valuable. Don’t feel as though it’s something unimportant or useless. I am sure your kids and wife appreciate your contributions. It’s a shame that the society doesn’t see those work for the kids as important as a decent paid work!

This is a safe and caring place where people share their view, give suggestions. I hope someone would give you suggestions! But I just want to let you know you are not alone

cheers

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

GoodWitch — Fri, 15 Mar 2019 02:32:26 GMT

I see the value in what you are doing Snowy, and I'm sure there are others who would as well. People like your father in law are from a different generation, when f/t work and providing financially was what a man did to be considered a worthy man - and it was ALL that was required. Times have changed. Like I said the working landscape has changed and f/t work is not always possible. Sometimes older people don't get that. Also from a woman's perspective I'd much rather a man who is willing to help with the child raising than one who thinks the only thing worth doing is earning money. I had that, and the years raising my children from babies were very lonely indeed. Financial support is only one aspect of a successful relationship, sometimes you just need your partner to cook a meal or pick up the kids! You're doing that. That's worth a lot.

Not all of society has caught up with the idea that men should also be involved in child rearing and being supportive of their partners, rather than just working hard + playing hard etc, and only 'babysitting' the kids for an hour or so here and there. But they will. When good blokes like you learn to be just as proud of helping around the house as they are of earning a wage.

My 2 cents I hope it helps

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

Snowy79 — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 06:21:04 GMT

Thank You Good Witch

Im struggling a bit today with the work rejection side of things and trying to convince myself Im doing a good job as a father. I took my kids out to the playground and Mcdonalds for breakfast so my partner could sleep in before she went to work. Then ive played with the kids, set up painting for them and took them to pool and have done several loads of washing and sweeping as well as dishes. The feelings of failure and rejection though always bob up and Im trying to convince myself that Im not worthless.

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

magentamiss — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 08:18:15 GMT

Hi Snowy, you sound like a great partner and dad! Keep up the good work. Be proud of the things you *are* doing for the family even if it isn't full time work!

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

Snowy79 — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 09:27:40 GMT

cheers

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

Snowy79 — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 09:46:21 GMT

cheers

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

blondguy — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 10:18:57 GMT

Hi Snowy79

I have read the heartfelt responses from members above and they are spot on

You dont represent a failure in any shape or form. I see a proactive person that cares for his family and is doing his best to find a position. The inlaws can sometimes have overly high expectations unfortunately

You are a caring dad that has the best interests of family as a priority

The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you to post Snowy. Your well being and privacy are paramount to the forums. I am ex human resources/senior management before I was made redundant in early 2016

Any questions are welcome on the forums Snowy...on any subject you wish 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

therising — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 20:42:19 GMT

Hi Snowy79

You're an absolute legend! If a mother said she took care of the kids and the house all whilst working 2 casual jobs, people would hail her as being a legend. So, what's the difference between a mum or a dad doing this? I suggest the answer comes down to expectation.

The expectations placed on us by family, society, friends, in-laws etc can be high sometimes yet they may not even come even close to the expectations we place upon our self. Such expectations may relate to gender roles, financial needs and so on. So, if it comes down to 'As a man, as a husband and a father, I should be earning more and working harder', do you relate to this as a social expectation or one that you're actually happy to meet?

Now mum to 2 teenagers, I was a 'stay at home mum' for many years. So much shame attached to this role these days. What I typically used to get: 'Why aren't you out there working, feeling more of a sense of value? Why aren't you financially contributing to the family? Isn't your life boring, just staying at home?' Snowy, the list goes on. You know what, at the end of the day I was and am fulfilling what I consider to be the greatest role I have ever and will ever be given - the role of teacher and guide to 2 of the most valuable gifts in my life. The 3 of us have always had a fantastic relationship to the point where I don't long for them to return to school throughout the school holidays (like most parents). I love spending the extra time with them and they with me.

Taking gender out of the equation:

Do both incomes currently meet your basic household budget requirements?
Are the kids' needs fulfilled, having you as their primary carer?
Have you considered consulting a mental health professional? The brain's a tricky thing. Sometimes we need help in eliminating certain destructive mental programs. Some of these programs can impact our chemistry, perception and sense of identity. Have a search online for 'The 4 chemicals for happiness' (interesting stuff)
Another thing perhaps worth looking at involves self-esteem. 'The 6 pillars of self-esteem' is a great book, by Nathaniel Branden. He's a master on the topic of self-esteem

Only you can find the answer to the question 'Who do I want to be?' If the answer involves fulfilling the role of primary carer to your kids whilst also doing some casual work, feed your soul and be that person with every ounce of your being. All else is based on the expectations of others.

Take care and keep on painting!

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

IreneM — Sun, 17 Mar 2019 01:31:57 GMT

HI Snowy

Everyone has been pretty spot on in their advice, and no you're not a failure in fact you're a legend! I have heard of many families where the father is the main caretaker and the mother the worker. Have you discussed the situation with your partner as to whether she is happy with you keeping your p/t jobs?

My thoughts along with therising is that you should focus on not only "who you want to be" but also with your family circumstances taken into account, "who/what are you able to be"?

I've had a similar situation due to medical and mental issues as well as my partner getting weaker. I saw my employment provider few days ago and am now starting to paint a picture of who I am, what skills I have and will then look at available options. Don't be afraid to do voluntary things too. It was through my volunteering that I got invited overseas recently. Is there a professional and/or community organisation that serves your interests? For example - Health is primary for me so I joined some health associations, like epilepsy and arthritis.

Another option is to find out what is of interest to your kids that may interest you to a certain extent. Some sport clubs or scouts, etc. are always looking for people to assist ... the list goes on! I even delivered catalogues at one stage, the kids may assist with sorting.

Hope this helps.

Irene.

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

Snowy79 — Mon, 18 Mar 2019 01:37:53 GMT

Thank you so much. I have heard this from friends before about expectations I place on myself. Ive never really thought I worry about being the bread winner but maybe that is an expectation I place on myself. I like being able to be a caregiver and I like the casual work flexibility. We CAN meet the financial budget obligations of family budget if we put more money aside in the middle of year when there is plenty of work( Im a Casual Relief Primary Teacher) we just finding things tight right now and Im getting pressure. Deep down I think I want to continue doing this as well as explore a creative side as well.

Hi Im new and I feel like a failure

IreneM — Thu, 21 Mar 2019 07:19:24 GMT

Good on You Snowy

You CAN do it, great to see that you're considering becoming creative too. Another one of many avenues to involve the kids if necessary. I think if you can get your family behind you whatever your pursuits you can do well. You're such a legend.

Irene.