topic Feel myself falling but not stopping.. in Welcome and orientation

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Not_today — Sun, 29 Apr 2018 14:28:56 GMT

Hi!

I'm new and well kinda just wanted to chat. I'm lost... So lost. It's been a couple yrs since the last time I've been so depressed that it took over. Not getting out of bed, not sleeping, being angry, frustrated, sad but numb at the same time. Its a physical pain and it hurt so much everyday. It was so weird to go from a happy, non crier, strong inpendent person to someone who cried everyday and didn't want to sleep because it meant having to wake up tomorrow and start the pretending all again. It crushed me.

Fast forward to now, I have my up and down days but I feel myself struggling recently. Just at life. I am so stress and have been sick for a while now like one thing after the other making it so hard to be positive.Finding the energy to do uni, work, life is becoming impossible. I've tried to take time off but it all comes back.I have a great support network great friends ,an amazing boyfriend but but they haven't had depression and it's so hard to explain.I have temporary moments of feeling good then it disappears so quick. It's also hard being the mess in the relationship also he does everything he can to support me. Normally I can pull myself out of it, find my own happiness and be ok. This time though I can see myself falling back into that dark hole but this time it's like I'm just watching myself walk straight into it and not caring that I am. I just feel like being shitty and depressed would take less energy then trying to be positive and keep going everyday.On top of that I feel lost in my faith which hasn't helped I feel so disconnected.

Is it bad that I just wanna give in for a bit, I need a break, God I need break. I just wanna be in my dark hole and cry and release all mental shit. So I can come back and be who I am again. Be able to do life... Or is that just a trick from depression to grab u again and not let go.

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

PamelaR — Mon, 30 Apr 2018 02:19:05 GMT

Hello Not Today

You are sounding quite down at the moment. It's good you've found your way to the Beyond Blue (BB) forums. Welcome to the forums! People who post here are not counsellors or therapists, though they do have experience with mental illness. They are friendly, caring, supportive and respective of privacy.

I know that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, not sleeping, being sad. Not a great place to be, however, it can and does get better. Then there'll be times when it does latch on again. It's finding what works for you.I guess one of the biggest things is not to be afraid of it. Have a look at an excellent thread under the Depression forum Depression Fight it or Embrace It. Lots of people chatting about how they manage their ups and downs.

It is important to talk about how you're feeling. Can you talk with your mum? Or are you seeing a doctor or therapist to help you? That would be something I'd do. Go to my gp and get a referral to a psychologist.

If you want to chat on line, BB have a chat line available between 3pm and 12am. Or if you want to talk to, their support service is 1300 22 4636 or try Lifeline 13 11 14.

Let us know how you get on.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Croix — Mon, 30 Apr 2018 10:34:52 GMT

Dear Not today~

I'd like to join PamelaR in welcoming you here. Depression reaching back for you after you have been better is so hard, not only do you have all the symptoms you have described so clearly, but you wonder if depression will always be there, pulling you down after good times.

I can only say in my own case depression has become less and less of a problem over the years, I can't say it never strikes, but less frequently by far, and less intense too. I live a pretty good life notwithstanding.

You sound as if you have a pretty full plate with both work and uni, is this a particularly worrying time for you? Taking time off probably makes you feel a little better until it is time to return, then the pressures just crowd on back in again.

I too have always had a wonderful support network, my family has been more than anyone could expect. I do have one thing you have not mentioned - medical support.

May I ask if you are under treatment? If so I'd be thinking of going back and asking for my regime to be reviewed. I found mine needed altering to combat changing conditions. Of course if you are not seeing a doctor now would be exactly the right time to start. Can I suggest a long appointment so you have time to give a clear picture of what is happening?

I can relate to worrying about being the mess in the relationship, however as time has gone on I've been able to contribute and have sometimes been the strong one. So it's a balance over the years. Not a short term debt. If you have a loving boyfriend he will want to look after you, and will feel better for doing so. Your turn will come, just as mine did.

I can't say about faith, except to say when not pressed right down with depression things can appear very different.

I do hope you can feel this place is here for you and that you can talk with people that understand

Croix

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

smallwolf — Mon, 30 Apr 2018 12:22:10 GMT

Just tagging for now. I will reply to your comments about faith when I get to my laptop tomorrow. I understand what you are thinking, and was in a similar position to you. Right now understand there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Smallwolf

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

smallwolf — Tue, 01 May 2018 01:50:07 GMT

Not Today,

After reading your initial post and one of the replies, I assume by faith you refer to a belief in god/God - whatever that means to you. I am also trying to be as general as possible in my reply here also on faith and religion. If I am wrong, I apologise. If I am correct, then keep reading...

I am a christian (anglican) who attends church. (Don't worry, I am not in the business of converting people) I will admit to having tried christian meditations as well. Suffice to say these were deleted after the first listen. And I have no idea about religious related counceling services. I have had all sorts of reactions from people in the church community in relation to my issues (anxiety/depression). I have had people say "you need to pray more" or "God only gives us what we can handle" etc. These statements I do not find helpful. Conversely other people gave gone out of their way to check on me and make sure I am OK. Also, keep in mind that I have been somewhat selective in who I told, so not everyone knows. And that is the trick and issue. From a society perspective, because mental illness are not spoken about, people don't really know how to react. Unfortunately! And because the church is part of society, the same problem occurs there. Until you can find some people within that space who have been through it and know and understand what you are going through.

But I am quite certain that no god/God would go "I think Smallwolf needs depression" and/or give it to me. My thought is that events and/or experiences throughout our lives have contributed to the way we are in any given moment. Similarly, it is also like the story of the two wolves, one is darkness and the other hope. The one that wins in the one that is fed. Pamela put that poem onto my story one time (A Common Story?) which I could relate to.

Rather god/God might be revealed through the actions of others, which includes someone being there just to listen and help. And if people did tell you to "pray more", then they are not really being sensitive to your needs. And part of all religions (?) there is a component of social justice, and concern for the poor, outcast etc. (Whether religious institutions live up to this different debate that does not belong on this forum.)

I hope this helps a little. Let me know what you think?

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

vick3y — Tue, 01 May 2018 22:07:17 GMT

whatever you are going through is exactly how I am going through right now. I don't even know what depressions are until few months ago. I thought I was just sad. I cried so many times and have no energy to do anything.

I have an amazing boyfriends who support me and trying to get me out of this. Sometimes I can but then some other time I am back in the same hole again.

I am worried that one day everyone will be just tired of me. Well I am tired of me so I wouldn't blame them. I want to be positive but you are right like the effort of being miserable is easier than being strong.

I am not sure how can I get out of this.. I want to be happy again like I used too.

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

vick3y — Tue, 01 May 2018 22:20:10 GMT

Your post have given me strength. Couple of my friends and family are very religious. They always say about I have to pray or god has plan for me. They also said the only way for me to get out this situations if I surrender to Him. Someday I could see and understand. But sometime for me it just doesn't work. I am worry that I will never getting out of this situations.

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Not_today — Mon, 07 May 2018 13:42:51 GMT

Thank you for the reference, ill check out fight it or embrace it and have a read. Hopefully I find something that relates to me. I can talk to mum shes really good but she's a single mum with a whole lot on her plate. Not that shouldn't help but she needs a break too. I am considering going to the doctor but I think I am being a bit naive and hoping it goes away before having to going through that whole process.

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

blondguy — Mon, 07 May 2018 13:53:19 GMT

Hi Not Today

You are stronger than you think. It takes courage to post on the forums and good on you!

I understand you as I felt the same way when I was younger. There are many people (including me) that see a GP when we are struggling.

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by having a chat with your GP. I would be surprised if you didnt feel better after a double or single appointment 🙂

You are not alone....I hope that you can stick around the forums if you wish

My kind thoughts

Paul

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Not_today — Mon, 07 May 2018 14:03:02 GMT

Hi Croix,

I appreciate the response. It is good to hear from someone that's been through it. I have noticed that this time isn't as heavy , idk how to describe it. I think I'm more aware of it this time and as you said I hope that it does become less and less of the problem. I'm not having any treatment or anything, back then I saw a psychologist for a bit but I didn't want to be like oh I have depression and it wasn't the most helpful thing. To be completely honest although I know I should not but I compare myself so much to others. I have never been worried about suicide, I couldn't do that too my mum and I still value life. At my worse I have thought of just disappearing, leaving to somewhere random fading away. I feel like all I hear about depression is suicide and im not at that point. Is that weird to feel like that you degrade your own issues because of what has been said. Also in the back of mind I secretly dont want to officially know that im not in control of my emotions if that makes any sense.

We are only a year in so, pretty early and he knows about my shit, and as you said ill now try believe that it evens out. I just find it hard to tell him on a daily basis , just like saying all the time "hows your day" I say good and great but how do you say empty and shitty and not great. It doesn't put him in a good potion. Can you relate? how do you do it in a long term relationship. Sometimes I just want to leave his amazing loving messages just because im like I cant deal with happy today.

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Not_today — Mon, 07 May 2018 14:13:26 GMT

Hey Smallwolf,

Thanks for taking the time to post.

I'm christian too well... I am in heart, I fall in and out of practice. I 110% understand what you mean, prayer is not always the answer. My best friend and I are both really the only faith based people in our friendship group so we stick together. Although it is so hard because when she hits tough times ( not depression just bad patches in life) she turns to god, finds more strength, wisdom and peace within him. But for me I turn away. I fight it so hard, I lose my faith, I get anger with god and his ways. Like you said I do agree that no god puts depression on someone. But depression and other issues happen to people and it hard not having the faith to least ground you a bit.You are right though I need to open my eyes a bit more to what he might have reveled, who knows maybe that is why im on this website... maybe ... maybe not but you know what I mean. It is a very hard topic depression and religion.

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Not_today — Mon, 07 May 2018 14:21:59 GMT

Hey Vick3y's

It is nice to know other people are out there we aren't all alone feeling like this. It is so hard and gosh I want to be happy again like I used to be too!!

I do believe that god has a plan but I wouldn't believe what your friends are saying praying and if you surrender to him wont get you out of what you are in. I think no prayer is un heard but in my experience they dont give you the strength and the direct help needed at that moment. Well at least thats how it feels. I think we just gotta keep at it.

In terms of your friends, I feel this too so much. People getting sick of you. But although its hard in your relationships do know that they wont get tried of you. I know ever since previously having a boyfriend and friends that struggle with depression and anxiety. As the friend I never was like oh gosh im sick of this, no that doesnt happen if they are your true friends they will be there for you and try help you the best they can. They wont get sick of you or tired despite what we think. This is probably the one good thing I learnt out of the last time I felt soo down and shitty. There is always someone willing to help

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Not_today — Mon, 07 May 2018 22:40:16 GMT

Hi Croix,

I thought I posted a response but i must have forgotten to post. Im do agree that this time is less heavy if that makes any sense. I find calmness knowing that it's a less of a problem over the years hopefully that's what happens.

In terms of medical support. I went to a psychology a while back when it initially came up but it was very casually. I also feel like I compare to others so much which I know I shouldn't. All I hear about depression is suicide in all media and all around me. But I couldn't do that to my mum and I value my life. I still want to live. So in comparison it feels like I'm not struggling that bad. When I get like this I just want to disappear or run away for a bit. Not that I ever do it. Soo thus I think I hate the idea of actually being told I have depression. Also naive me is hoping it all goes away soon so I dont have to go through the process of finding a new psychologist.

It's reassuring that it evens out over the years. Although how do u deal with it on a daily basis that's what I struggle with. He knows all my shit and I've talked about it before but when he's so lovingly says how's ur day. I say good but all I want to say is shitty empty and sad. How many times can u say that ya know. I don't want to shut him out but I recently just have the feeling of ignoring him while I feel like.

Thanks for all the advice!

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

smallwolf — Tue, 08 May 2018 06:12:27 GMT

Hi,

I noticed in your post above that you hated the idea of being told you have depression. While I might agree with you on some level, once you know (?) what it is you can then take steps to manage it. For me, it validates the way I was feeling. And I knew that it wasn't just in my head.

From a media perspective you are probably right comparing depression and suicide. But the reality is not all that. While I have been said to be suicidal, i also want to live, just like you. There is no intent, no plan. Like you I wanted to disappear. And that was when I was given stress leave.

Not sure how old you are, but you said that you couldn't tell your mother. She might already know (?) It have an idea? My mother was the first person I spoke to, and she recommended I see a GP, among other things. It also depends on how much your parents know about depression. My father is on antidepressants, so she had some ideas already. The more people that knew or know I suffer from depression the easier it is for me. I don't have to wear a mask and pretend to be something that I am not.

As for how I cope with it on a daily basis... That is a work in progress. I find that each day is a little different to the last. Some days I feel ok, and the next am down again. I just do what I have to do each day, then rinse and repeat.

Every blessing,

Smallwolf

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Not_today — Wed, 09 May 2018 14:34:41 GMT

hey small wolf,

Thats true, I am considering going to the doctors soon, I am very against meds but in saying an appointment with a psychology will help. I also fear being told its nothing, but I guess I gotta go and try get help. In terms of mum she knows already I told her back when it first happened. Its more telling her when its really hard. But its a little hard for her to understand for her shes had depression but she had it cause my dad pasted away when I was very little, causing her to go into a state of depression and her sadness is associated with that. For me there is no cause really, sometimes there are triggers but it just happens. So it is hard to talk, I do try and she tries. She offers to help and take me to the GP. Im 19, young I guess .Its more I know how much it upsets her seeing me like this and I dont like dumping it all on her.

its kinda comforting knowing that you have your ups and downs simply knowing its not something foreign to everyone. we all have it.

Thanks 🙂 Hope everyday gets a bit better

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

smallwolf — Thu, 10 May 2018 02:00:23 GMT

Not today,

What if you did the

Anxiety and depression checklist (K10)

from the beyondblue web site. You should also pay attention to any "physical" symptoms you might have, such as racing heart, chest tightness, sweating, lump in throat, sore stomach etc.

Depression can also be hereditary. My dad is on anti-depressants so this increases the chances his children (ie me) will be also. Guess who won the prize!

Not sure if I mentioned this earlier, but as to what you tell your immediate loved ones... I tell them what they need to know. For example, they know I had nightmares when I started on anti-depressants. But I did not tell them the contents of those dreams. Only a very few people select people have that information. That way, they know what I am going through without the gory details. But I should point out that I also have a psych* and people in my support group that have been where I am and have a good understanding of mental illness.

I am not sure whether you wear as mask to those around you or at your church? (You said you were a christian in an earlier post.) But when people ask me how I am going, I am honest these days. I will not say that I am OK if I don't feel it. And sometimes, I will get a response that leads to a conversation about their own dark times or they will offer support, of they won't know how to react. But again, that is knowing or working out who you can talk to. I have a couple of ways of knowing who to talk to within a church scenario.

All that I can say is that being honest with how you are feeling with other people has lead to an increasing support group (for me). It might work for you? (There are still a lot of people that don't know and I won't tell them but...)

And if you wanted a idea how I worked out I needed to see a GP, I went to google and typed in, "racing heart, lump in throat, ..." and one of the links that popped up was for beyondblue and I did the K10 check next.

All the best,

Tim

Feel myself falling but not stopping..

Not_today — Mon, 14 May 2018 04:30:31 GMT

Hey Tim,

I tried the quiz a couple times on a couple days and it varies as you would except. Some days worse than others. Mum has mention that dads side of the family had a bit of depression so possibly from that my genetics could have be impacted. The idea of how much to tell people is very useful thankyou gives a clear picture at how I should I approach it.

In terms of church, I don't really go to church much any more since I work Sunday mornings. So when I talk about my faith its more just my personal relationship with god than anything. I mean there are people I can talk to at church but I feel like I dont go that often anymore to make that somewhere to share all details.

I've had a good couple days and im hoping it stays that way but I will be seeking a GP as soon as I can get an appointment. Thanks - S