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Verbena — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 00:59:33 GMT

Hi everyone. My first post, though not new to the world of crippling depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. Though I’ve spent most of my life undiagnosed and dealing with it as best I can. In recent years it’s become almost unbearable and we’re it not for my three children, I doubt I would be here today. I agree with those on here that for some people nothing particularly seems to help (yes I see many professionals and am on medication and try everything I can to try to feel better) - but I now have to accept that it will always be there and that most days will be a battle to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am curious as to what things keep others from giving up?

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kanga_brumby — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 03:24:01 GMT

Welcome to Beyond Blue Forums Verbena. A safe place to discuss what is getting to you. What helps keep me going after days of internal fighting with my monsters. Often the only thing that has kept me going even when all my plans have been shot to hell and back. Has been my two children. Needing advice, a cuddle, just someone to be near. One has all ready left school one still in school but still need their dad. as their mum died a few years back. So i have to be here

kanga

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baet123 — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 03:51:10 GMT

Hey Verbena,

Welcome to the forums and it is great to have you here.

Thank you so much for posting and sharing a bit about you and your situation with us! I can tell your an extremely caring, intelligent, thoughtful, loving, resilient, strong and brave person and these are amazing qualities you possess!

It is great that you have a good support network in place and it is amazing that your children have kept you going through all your tough times! You have done extremely well raising your children and that is no easy feat!

For some people as you mentioned they live each day with a condition and accepting it and putting strategies and techniques in place. Most people battle for themselves and keep going for others. It is important to realise and understand that you are worth putting in all the hard effort and battling each day. You are important and people care about your greatly so this for many is a good source of daily strength.

Everyone is here for a reason and everyday is a struggle but life isn't mean to be easy. You have wonderful people around you who love and care for you and their lives are so much brighter and better because you are in it.

I hope 2019 is a better year and brings with it positive experiences!

Nick.

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Verbena — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 08:05:35 GMT

Thanks for the kind words. I just can’t bear life at the moment, but I can’t stand the idea of what it will do to my kids if I’m not around for them. So I’m stuck here and I hate that I can’t make it all better. What do you look forward to when you feel so bad most days?

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blondguy — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 12:17:45 GMT

Hello Verbena

Thank-you for taking the time (and strength) to post on the Beyond Blue forums!

There is heartfelt support above for you and I understand that you cant bear life at the moment as I have been in the same dark place and it is awful

I remember how crippling the agoraphobia (and the accompanying anxiety) used to be the 1980's when I was in my 20's....It scared the hell out of me.....I get it Verbena.

The Good News....the severity of agoraphobia and anxiety does reduce where you can find some peace again..with frequent ongoing counseling/therapy...Monthly is great...Fortnightly is excellent....and if possible weekly will bring you some peace Verbena

The Reality.....It takes huge strength and determination working with a counselor as frequently as possible to dispel the fear/anxiety response. I was a dill and only had therapy every six - twelve months which did nothing for 15 years (just for me that is as everyone's anxiety varies) until I had a firm weekly appointment that worked wonders...after 7 months of treatment..and yes it was hard work...

To answer your question Verbena...I just look forward to the simple things....talking to someone that cares on the phone......gardening..dog rescue...watching some boring TV...(as my brain doesnt have to work too hard)

Just a note....The forums are a safe and judgement free place for you to post 🙂 Can I ask if you have a GP that you can lean on when you are going through a bad phase?

you are not alone Verbena

my kind thoughts

Paul

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Verbena — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 14:48:28 GMT

Thanks Paul. Yes I’m reply to your question I have a great GP and psychologist, both of whom I saw today because I was feeling so desperate. I’ve probably done myself harm by always putting on my happy face and pretending to most people that I’m fine. That’s worked in the past, but now it’s probably more to avoid all the ‘advice’ I get from well-meaning but largely unsympathetic friends. So now I actually just don’t want to see anyone - and yes I have been told I’m a bad friend because I don’t reach out.

I think the depression is worst for me atm - it’s a struggle to get out of bed and convince myself to do anything. I get overwhelmed so easily and then panic that I’m not doing things that need to be done. I do feel better after a really good cry today, but alas, I’m still me and nothing has changed.

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blondguy — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 16:31:45 GMT

Hi Verbena

Thank-you for posting back!

You havent done yourself harm with putting on your happy face at all. Most people with any type of anxiety/depression wear a mask too as its very difficult to show our pain to everyone....Me included!

You mentioned that you feel better after a having a really good cry and same here. When I had those weekly counseling appointments..I was crying like a baby after the 2nd visit...and I felt so embarrassed when I started to bawl my eyes out......I forgot thats why counselors/therapists have a box of tissues on the coffee table..oops!

Depression is a bad place to be in Verbena.....I came so close to losing my home...my personal life and my health because I was scared of taking the AD's that I have been on for 22 years....They gave me my life back and were originally prescribed for chronic anxiety...I am still on a small dosage of an SSRI and see my GP every month for a 'fine tune'

I know you mention friends that are generally not sympathetic......Can I ask if you have even one or two people that you can lean on in this bad time? Having even a tiny support network can be a huge help. I have two people that I can talk to when I am in a dark place....and consider myself lucky....I have family that yawn and find my depression boring which I find sad

Was your GP/counselor helpful yesterday?

I really hope you can stick around the forums Verbena. If we didnt have new members post, the forums would cease to exist. Your posts are just as valued as mine or anyone else's here!

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

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baet123 — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 21:18:23 GMT

Hi Verbena,

Thanks for replying to my post.

What do you look forward to when you feel so bad most days? I know a lot of people look forward to the little things in life which many of us take for granted each day. When we are struggling, our outlook on life becomes skewed and our perspectives change accordingly. I can tell that you are a fighter!

I would suggest you give therapeutic counselling or therapeutic communities a go. It would be a great idea to call your state's mental health hotline and enquire about therapeutic community services available in your state. I know that you mentioned you have had counselling/therapy in the past but group therapy and therapeutic communities are amazing and have great success rates!

A therapeutic community is a treatment facility in which the community itself, through self-help
and mutual support, is the principal means for promoting personal change. In a therapeutic community residents and staff participate in the management and operation of the community, contributing to a psychologically and physically safe learning environment where change can occur. It is extremely common in drug and alcohol recovery but there are therapeutic communities which specialise in mental health also.

TC's will also allow you to build and further develop a strong and positive support network around you and talking/interacting with people who have lived experiences similar to yours is a great tool!

Hope this helps and hope to hear from you again shortly.

Nick.

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Skary Bill — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 07:56:08 GMT

Hi Verbena, I'm just new here like you. I did something silly last night. I typed a reply and then got all shy and cancelled it lol.

I am constantly on the hunt for things that make me feel good. Things that make me laugh.. Even things that make me cry in a (Aww kittens hugging) kinda way. Or the majesty of a whale swimming up to a diver.. Throw in some uplifting music and that's how I manage my day to day positivity needs.

However, a couple of years ago I was alerted to a somewhat alarming fact. And it changed my outlook considerably. Much to my surprise, it turned out that somewhere along the way I'd lost my dreams. I mean from one day to the next, my biggest goal was just paying the rent and making sure nothing went terribly wrong. Both important things, sure.. But not much to get excited about

Having been challenged to, I spent a few months thinking about what it was I wanted to achieve and strive towards. And it's been a game changer. It didn't cure the agoraphobia or remove the need to stay positive day to day.. But it gave me an everlasting reason to want to.

So I thought I'd ask. Other than being a great mum to your kids. Whats on the to-do list? Any achievable goal will do, hard or easy. You can change your mind later or even have more than one. Just make sure you always have at least one dream to chase.

My dream is to build/buy or restore a sailboat. The kind that's big enough to live aboard. I don't know how or where yet, but I love the idea of it and know that if I put my mind to it I can make it happen.

Bill.

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Verbena — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 03:51:45 GMT

Tha is Paul...I appreciate it. Another bad day, just unbearably sad and feelings of despair that I don’t know what to do with? I can’t just sit down and cry all day because I have to function for my three kids and drag myself off to work for a few hours. Jesus what is the point of life? More sadness, fear, stress and for what? I’ll never get out of this cycle of depression and anxiety - how much can a person take before they break again?

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Verbena — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 03:56:35 GMT

Thanks Nick, all great suggestions, I just can’t find the motivation to do any of it. I’m just going through the motions trying to keep going for the kids, but I’ve almost completely given up trying. I’m so exhausted, worried, stressed, sad...I feel like I’ve got nothing left. I’m just joking on until I hand my kids back to their Dad and then I can fall apart again. God how much longer can I do this?

i hate the world right now...

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baet123 — Sat, 12 Jan 2019 02:40:12 GMT

Hey Verbena!

Thank you for your reply and sorry about the delay getting back to you. Life has been super busy for me unfortunately and things are really chaotic at work at present.

Sorry to hear that your still struggling. It is a rough time for you at present but I urge you to keep pushing through. Everyday you get through is a great achievement and you are an inspiration to me and everyone else!

There is a program funded by Federal Health called the "Partners In Recovery Program". I am a support worker and I run my own program. This is a program you should consider as it will provide you with a more stable support structure and network and you are able to work on goals with a support worker and a support coordinator.

Things seem hard and in reality are very hard but nothing worth doing is ever easy and I know that you have it in you and that you will keep fighting because you are worth it and you deserve to live the life you wish and deserve to live.

Hope to hear back from you shortly.

Nick.

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Caliediscope19 — Sat, 12 Jan 2019 04:55:08 GMT

First post. Interesting to read so many posts with familiar feelings. Hopefully one can take that leap to calm thoughts on a permanent basis. Sometime.

I am writing today as I know I am going down to that place of helplessness and wouldn’t be able to write without weeping. Very tricky to find a way out, other than me telling myself, “Everything will be alright” sometime. Another thing about these ailments. Really don’t enjoy thinking about myself so much. But have to keep note of where I am.