topic Struggling in Welcome and orientation

Struggling

Maca22 — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 04:00:06 GMT

Hello. I’ve turned to this site in the hope of getting help by chatting with people who may understand what I’m going through. I’m a 60yo disabled man due to spinal damage resulting from a broken neck 43 years ago. It left me as a partial quadriplegic, I can walk but with a limp, my hands are effected but I’ve been able to cope. Recently I was accepted by the NDIS thinking they will be able to help me with my health issues and living issues I’m having. They haven’t, it’s made my life even more stressful. I’ve also been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and have panic attacks. I’m also having health issues with chronic back pain and losing the use of my left leg which means I’ll be in a wheel chair soon. I’m also losing what little use of have of my hands. This means I’m going to need constant care. I’ve lived an active life even though I was told after my accident that ‘I’d never walk again’, All I heard after my accident is ‘you can’t do that anymore’. I proved everyone wrong, I’ve lived a normal live and done things against Dr’s opinions and believe, things like riding motorcycles, racing go karts etc.
A few years ago I noticed it was getting more difficult to do things, pain levels increased and my emotions changed. I went from being active and never sitting for long to now not leaving the house unless I’ve no choice. I get panic attacks when I have to go out, I’m in constant pain and rely on strong pain medications for relief. I have waves of emotions that I can’t stop, I constantly feel like I don’t want to be here anymore, I’m angry all the time, I get annoyed very easily, I find myself crying for no reason.
The Drs just keep giving me more anti depression meds that don’t work, more pain medications that are morphine based and highly addictive to control the anxiety and panic attacks.
While I have not thought directly about committing suicide I constantly feel that I’d be better off if I was not here anymore, I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up, I have a close family and good friends who have all been wonderful and cant help enough they are all concerned but I feel I don’t deserve their care or help, I feel worthless and useless. I don’t want to be here anymore!

Struggling

Sophie_M — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 05:39:04 GMT

Hi Maca22,

Thank you for joining us on the forums and for sharing you experiences with us. It sounds like you are having an incredibly difficult time, we want to thank you for being brave and for sharing your story. You never know who might read this and feel less alone in their own experience.

We are concerned about you and your wellbeing and want to encourage you to reach out for support. You can call us anytime on 1300 22 4636 to speak to someone who can help you process these emotions. They are experts at supporting you when you are in distress, or you can call when you are feeling ok.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our counsellors, or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:

If at anytime you feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you should call 000 straight away.

Thank you again for being a part of this community, it took a lot of courage to write about how you are feeling and to share it with us all here. It shows a great deal of strength and determination to seek support, thank you for being a great example to all of us.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Struggling

Petal22 — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 06:39:32 GMT

Hi Macca22,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry you are feeling this way…..it must be really difficult for you….

Im sorry about your accident and how your body is currently feeling……..

Im sorry the NDIS haven’t helped you….. that’s really disheartening….

Good on you! You defied those doctors! Riding motor bikes, go karts ect awesome! Your mind set sounded wonderful when you were doing those things….. try to regain your passionate can do mind set 💪 don’t be defeated! You CAN still enjoy a lot of things even the simple things in life…. The sun on your body, the wind in your face, the sounds of the ocean….. your loved ones…… never give up……… WARRIORS never do……. Regain your inner warrior….

I understand things have deteriorated more in the past few years….. I know it’s hard with our bodies……. But do you know what….. you still have your mind, feed your mind with positive things and things that you can still do……. Do you still have a motor bike? Do you have a shed? You could still tinker around in your shed all men love their sheds…….. I know the pain level is bad but maybe putting your mind on other things will help……… go karts are great too…….you have a voice teach someone something…… I’m sure you have a lot of wisdom

You can learn to manage your anxiety……. I understand anxiety I had severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered from it thanks to the help of health professionals…. I had panic attacks but I’ve now recovered from it……

Look beyond the struggle my friend 💪

im here to chat to you 😊

Struggling

Maca22 — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 07:57:21 GMT

I just can’t see myself ever getting out of this. I have a work shop but when I go out to it I find myself just sitting there staring out the window. I have 2 cars that I used like working on but no longer do it because my hands don’t work and I get very frustrated and angry so I do nothing instead.
Every year for 35 years a group of us would go away camping at least 3-4 times a year, I’d get really excited about going, now when my friends ask about the next trip and they want me to go but I make excuses not to go.
I was seeing a counsellor paid by the NDIS but when my funds ran out they stopped coming. I never got much out of it, he’d talk about himself most of the time and how he over came his issues. Now the NDIS have slashed my funding even more I no longer have access to counselling.
The Drs I’ve seen keep telling me there is nothing they can do for me. When My wife has mentioned my mental state they just up the anti depression meds or change to another one. I take that much medication I don’t know what day it is most of the time.
I was sent to a spinal specialist, he said I shouldn’t be walking and people with my level of damage don’t normally live as long as I have, this made me feel even worse. He referred me to a spinal care unit to see if they could help with my condition and pain but due to COVID it has been put on hold indefinitely, won’t be seeing them until this time next year if at all. just another setback.
thank you for your support, my family especially my wife are really trying to help and are doing everything they can but I still feel like I’m in a dark hole and don’t know how to get out. What really worries me is maybe I like being in the hole, I’ve had to fight for my health ever since I broke my neck. I now feel as if I have no fight left and I just want to sit in front of the TV until I’m gone.

Struggling

Maca22 — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 08:01:45 GMT

🙏

Struggling

Petal22 — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 09:05:55 GMT

Hi Maca22,

Thanks for your reply, I bet your wife is a lovely supportive lady😊

I believe the more difficult your path the higher your calling 🙏

I’m a big believer in positivity….we can all learn to train our brains to be more positive and to look for the best in everything……. Practicing gratitude is a great way to bring positivity to us… it helps our emotions from the inside the more positive energy we can obtain the more peaceful we become from the inside….this is something I’ve done for myself over the years……. I once held a lot of negative energy but now I’ve replaced it with positive energy…… everything flows so much more….,

it’s ok to have emotional days…. Allow yourself to have them let them be there …….. don’t try to stop the emotions it’s ok …

I understand your frustration……., would you ever be able to ride a bike again? Even a modified trike? Maybe you could use the foot as an accelerator? 3 wheels would be easier than two to balance on…….

think of things you could modify so you could still get enjoyment from them…

do you watch shows you enjoy about bikes ect? Gp s …. Cars….. there are some good ones on u tube…

When you said the specialist you saw said people don’t usually live as long as you with your condition….. I would have taken this as a compliment…… your an amazing man for what you have endured… you probably amaze the medical profession….

Could you do a mental health plan with your gp this will enable you to see a psychologist… the first 10 sessions are usually free….. they could help you with strategies..

I think medication and therapy go hand in hand……

Would you think about making an appointment with your gp for this? If your not happy with your gp see a different one….

please know you aren’t alone and you CAN get out of the dark hole….. just try to change your thinking a bit…… let me be your HOPE I was once in a deep dark hole and now I’m free! If I can you can ….

im here to chat to you 😊

Struggling

Petal22 — Sat, 14 Aug 2021 02:28:01 GMT

Good morning Maca22,

How are you today? It’s nice and sunny over my way 😊

I also wanted to let you know that a depressed mind won’t want to do anything…. YOU need to over ride it! and you CAN!

Once you choose HOPE anything is possible….

Until your broken you don’t know what your made of. It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever 💪

Those camping trips you were talking about sounded great…… maybe next time you could go along it would be really good for you to be with your friends… I know it’s hard to say yes sometimes but sometimes it’s the best thing for us 😊

Have you ever tried meditation? It’s great for the mind, body and soul….

I hope you have a better day today Maca22…….

“ Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise again “ 😊🙏

Struggling

Petal22 — Sat, 14 Aug 2021 03:30:11 GMT

Just another piece of advice Maca22…… keep moving in any way you can…….. this will help you to not seize up……….keep looking for things that you CAN do………..

Also if your mates ask you to go out with them to do something…… say yes….. you need your mates…. They WILL help you to get through these days! They won’t mind that your unwell they just want you to be out with them to help you……… hold onto your loved ones and mates……… ❤️

Struggling

Petal22 — Tue, 17 Aug 2021 09:02:24 GMT

Hi Maca22,

How are you? Just checking in with you 😊

here to chat

Struggling

Maca22 — Thu, 19 Aug 2021 11:50:45 GMT

Not good. Pain has beaten me, I have no fight left. Sit here all day taking pain meds living in a constant fog. I’m done!

Struggling

Sophie_M — Thu, 19 Aug 2021 12:25:33 GMT

Hi Maca22,

It must be so difficult to be beaten down by pain, particularly when taking the pain med and living in a constant fog. We can understand how much turmoil this put you in and we have contacted you privately to offer you support.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You are not alone and the community is here to support you.

Struggling

Petal22 — Thu, 19 Aug 2021 14:24:43 GMT

Hi Maca22,

Im so sorry to hear your pain is getting you down tonight….

Please know your not alone we are here to support you….

Sophie has given you some great support lines please give them a call and have a chat……

Macca22 just take each day at a time and if each day is too much, just take it an hour at a time, and if an hour is too much just take it a minute at a time……..

Please know we are here for you….. please chat to me any time……

Struggling

Petal22 — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 00:49:03 GMT

Good morning Macca,

Just a little something for you

Even,

If it’s very foggy ,

Cloudy or stormy,

The blue sky is always there,

For us,

Above the clouds

Macca if your pain is really distressing please go and see someone at your hospital and explain to them how debilitating it is….

Praying you will have some relief from your pain soon there is always HOPE that you can have that….

Does it help you to be in water? Sometimes it helps to take the pressure off your body

Let me know your thoughts

🙏😊

Struggling

Maca22 — Thu, 26 Aug 2021 05:47:58 GMT

Hello, I’m still here. thank you for reaching out, the last few days/weeks/months haven’t been pleasant and the thought of ending it all has been on my mind. Luckily I have so much love, support and understanding from my wife, family and friends, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here.
I have been seeing a pain management specialist and focusing on medications that best suit me and my conditions. I saw him yesterday and told him of my feelings and how dark thoughts are always on my mind and how I feel I’m in a hole and no matter what I do I can’t seem to be able to climb out. I told him while I haven’t given serious thought to suicide I have thought of ways to do it and my family is the main reason I haven’t followed through with it.
The pain management specialist was very understanding and said some of the medications I was on can have these types of side effects, he also wants me to see my GP to get a referral to see a psychiatrist or physiologist. Unfortunately it’s a 3 week wait to see my GP.
I’m feeling more positive about things especially after the pain management specialist eased my concerns about becoming addicted to pain killers, he said I’m on such low doses and in all probability will have to take them for the rest of my life and explained how this is not a bad thing. It will help me become more active which will improve my overall health both physically and mentally and talking to a physiologist will also help. So with that in mind I’ve started a list of jobs that need doing. I’m trying to do 1 a day until I get stronger both physically and mentally then hopefully over time I will be able to do more.
I’m trying to be more positive, I’m still having dark thoughts, still having anxiety but when I do I talk to my wife or ring family or friends. I still get very emotional but I don’t try and fight it, I just let it out.
I set aside an hour a day to listen to music, this is helping me relax and remember some wonderful times I had back in the 80’s, I call the 80’s my ‘happy place’, I know looking in the past is not a recommended therapy (a counsellor told me never look back) but I have so many happy memories from that time and I’m using them to make myself feel better in the present.
I wrote down and read everyday ‘I can’t stop getting older but that doesn’t mean I have to act old’ and ‘life is for living, not just to exist’.
It’s going to be a long road back but I’ve made a start.

Struggling

Petal22 — Thu, 26 Aug 2021 12:06:27 GMT

Hi Macca22,

You have made my day reading your post…. Thank you 😊

It sounds like you have really turned a corner well done Macca22! I’m proud of you 😊

Im so glad you have such a supportive network of family and friends that’s great…

I think it’s great you are seeing a pain management specialist…. Keep up with it…. I understand some pain medications can be addictive and I understand your concerns….. but as you said they can only improve your quality of life…. which is fantastic …

I understand the dark thoughts, I also had these I learned they accompany anxiety and depression….. my thoughts were very loud and on repeat they did eventually lift….so will yours…

Thats a great strategy you have in place to talk to your wife and family and friends when you are having dark thoughts….

Welldone for letting your emotions out…. That’s great….. I believe tears are healing…… I’d never cried so much before the time I went through OCD…

I think it’s a great idea for you to see a psychologist/ psychiatrist…. I saw both which really helped me with my recovery I learned how to deal with my thoughts…. I was also put on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety… sorry you have to wait 3 weeks to see a gp…. But please do so when you can so you can see these professionals.

I like the sound of your list that’s really good and pro active just take it a day at a time…

80 s music is the best! I definitely think you should hold onto those happy memories….. and the books sound like they would be a good read……. enjoy them…. Let me know what they are like 😊

I understand your on your road back and I know you are going to make it! Just keep up with your positivity and all the positive things you have in place 😊 I’m always here to chat to you anytime…

Struggling

Maca22 — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 03:40:28 GMT

Thanks petal22, I really appreciate your replies and giving me a chance to vent/unload. I find writing these posts to be very therapeutic, even if no one read them, just putting it in writing feels like a huge weight is being lifted.

I’m having a bad day. Very emotional but I’m letting it all go. My father died last year and I still feel like it was yesterday. He died during the lockdown last year and we couldn’t have a funeral for him.

I was very close to him, every Thursday morning I’d visit mum and dad and every Sunday we had a family afternoon tea (until the lockdowns changed everything). I miss him every day but I feel he’s in a better place so that gives me some comfort. He was 88 and had an amazing life, married 67 years, 6 children, numerous grand and great grand children. It was his time and he went quickly and didn’t suffer. On the day he died he told me he loved me and how proud he was of me, he knew he was going.

He told my mother on their wedding day in October 1952 that he would live until he was at least 88, he died 2 months after his 88th birthday.
I have these waves of emotions that come and I used to try to resist them, now I just let it out. Can be triggered by anything, today is was seeing Father’s Day cards at the supermarket.

I also get upset thinking about my mother now being alone. There are 5 of us siblings living near her so someone sees her everyday, still makes me sad and every time I go to see her I shed a tear when I leave. We often sit and have a little cry together talking about dad and the wonderful times we all had together.

I’m lucky I come from a very close family and they have been my inspiration, especially after I had my accident in 1979 that left me a partial quadriplegic. I was a young 17yo and had my whole life flipped over. They got me through it and are still doing it today, I’m so lucky and proud to have 5 wonderful brothers and sisters and loving caring parents who have played a huge part in guiding me through life. And that’s why I could never do anything that would cause them undue pain.

My children and grandchildren have been an enormous source of comfort during my dark times, especially my eldest grandson, he’s my rock and he can always make me laugh no matter how low I might feel. Unfortunately due to lockdown we are unable to see them but at least we have face time.

Thanks again for your support and understanding.

Cheers

Gil aka Maca.

1 day at a time! 😁

Struggling

Maca22 — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 04:03:19 GMT

a quote that I’m going to try and live by:

”You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”

😁

Struggling

Petal22 — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 04:27:37 GMT

Hi Maca22,

I really do enjoy reading and replying to your posts! I’m glad that you find posting on our forums very therapeutic… 😊

Sorry today isn’t a good day for you…

Im very sorry for your loss of your father, I can understand all of the emotions….. it must have been so hard not to have been able to have a funeral………. I think that it’s great that you are allowing your emotions to flow…..

Have you been able to do anything for the memory of your Dad?

I’m sure your Dad would have been such an amazing man…….. I think you may have inherited his inner strength and resilience…..

I’m so glad that on the day he died he got to tell you he loved you and how proud of you he is……. I’m sure he’s never far away….. I believe our loved ones that have passed are still much around us in a different kind of way…

I can understand how you would feel upset with your mother being alone….. it’s so nice that you have a lot of siblings and you are close and live close so you can visit her and remember the good times..I’m sure your mother would appreciate that..

I think it’s wonderful that your family have always supported you and also since your accident…I can understand them being your inspiration…

Its great that your children and grandchildren have been able to give you comfort in your dark times…. the light in their eyes can always spark a light within ourselves…..

Just a little something for you Macca I believe your Dad is still close by .. just have a look around 😊

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on the snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the mornings hush.

I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there I did not die.

❤️ ❤️

Im always here to chat to you Gil aka Maca

How about going outside and feeling the breeze and sun and your face …..

Yes, take it a day at a time my friend 😊

Struggling

Petal22 — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 05:55:24 GMT

Hi Macca,

I like that quote “ you can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old”👍

I also just want to share a strategy with you… when you get the dark thoughts and they seem to repeat…… just think of it as a song that gets stuck in your head……. You know when we do get that song stuck in our head we just let it be there and it eventually goes away…..

It worked for me 😊

let me know how you go..

Struggling

Bambie69 — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 14:51:15 GMT

Just joined and the first i seen was yours. I am 57 severe anxiety and depression. I broke my wrist 1.6 years ago, also loose movement in my legs and collapse. I have just joined so will need to look further into the forum works.

Kaz