topic My introduction... Hello in Welcome and orientation

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Mon, 25 Feb 2019 23:46:50 GMT

Hi, it was suggested to me to visit here and share my experiences.

Depression combined with Aspergers makes my life difficult.

One day I woke up and found myself inside a mental “facility” and started using “documenting my thoughts” as a coping technique. That escalated to becoming my main avoidance technique.

I showed what I wrote to some people and they suggested I try to publish them. This only added to my stress.

After much time I have finally done that. Now I am trying to get someone to read my “story” to assist in understanding what goes through the mind of a depressed individual. My “book” is a collection of poetry with related commentary. I have been told it is good, but as one of my major “schema” is Negativity/Pessimism, I don’t know if I believe them.

Anyway, I’m here to share a bit of my story...

My introduction... Hello

Peppermintbach — Tue, 26 Feb 2019 05:55:34 GMT

Hi David,

Good on you for sharing some of your experiences here with us. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Living with both depression and Asperger’s must be tough...thanks so much again for sharing.

You seem to have a lot of self insight, and have learnt a lot from your experiences. I hope writing the poetry was cathartic. Personally, I think it’s great that you received positive feedback for it...even if you’re not sure if you believe them...

It’s good to have you here and it would be lovely to hear more of your story (only when and if you feel like sharing).

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Tue, 26 Feb 2019 13:11:45 GMT

Hi Pepper,

yes I have learnt a lot and have a great deal of self insight. Doesn’t help me be “normal”. And yes I know there is no identifiable “normal”. But whatever it is, it isn’t me.

Talking about myself isn’t a problem. In fact, that is what I do best. So much so, my story, which will be the same every time, will become monotonous, predictable, and always depressing. (I don’t mean it to, it just happens). I will probably reply to everything that is asked of me and probably in the form of a poem.

Me

Me
Not you
Approves me
Why should I try
What’s left up to me
Who handed you the right
To tell me what should be me
How I’ve endured, most of this life
Shadowed behind the mask that is me
I’ve lived here scarcely, in this lonely world
Shouldn’t this world, be chosen by me
I have had some struggle and strife
Explain, please explain to me
Do you think I just might
Want to be like me
Answer me why
Support me
Warm to
Me

My introduction... Hello

smallwolf — Tue, 26 Feb 2019 21:25:29 GMT

Hi David,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I am typically a glass 1/2 empty and quite critical about what I like, and I want to let you now that I really liked your poem.

Jumping into the fire with something like publishing a book is really putting yourself out there and exposing yourself to the public.

Can I ask you a question... Does your head and heart give you different answers to same question? Your head gives you a logical answer and your heart gives you an emotional answer. There are questions that I have been asked I can easily answer with "Yes I deserve..." but the answer of my heart is the "No, I do not deserve...".

Tim

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Tue, 26 Feb 2019 22:29:28 GMT

Hi Tim,

thanks for your “like”.

I find I can only express myself in poetry, unless it is in answer to a question.

Excellent question... My head is extremely logical. 1+1 always = 2. It tells me that I have a right to be happy, and it tells me that I am not happy.

I don’t understand my heart (I assume you mean feelings), but it where I go to find the excuses I need to justify (to myself usually) my not being happy.

I constantly write about my heart being “broken”, so that tells me I must have been “happy” at some stage, to have something that could be broken or forgotten...

I have all but given up trying to be “happy” because my head tells me that it will end someday. But my heart gets excited about the possibility when it presents itself, only to be squashed my my negative self opinion.

Hope that answers the question.

My introduction... Hello

Peppermintbach — Thu, 28 Feb 2019 20:49:35 GMT

Hi David (and a wave to Tim and all),

I think it’s great how expressive you are through poetry. I wonder if it’s carthatic for you to write...emotionally unload difficult feelings through poetic verse...

You sound as though you’re feeling very alone, and perhaps you’re still figuring out your place in the world. A “place” around others who accept (and value) you as you are...

I hope you feel free to share any thoughts and/or poems whenever you like. It’s lovely to hear from you and get to know you a little.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Fri, 01 Mar 2019 01:43:32 GMT

Hi Again Pepper,

I thank you for your compliment... This is what I have learned to do through “treatment”.

And you are spot on. Writing is my avoidance of the world, including the pain I feel and the comfort that could be provided.

I'll Believe You

One day you came along, lifting my world
Around your little finger I was curled
You have furnished me with all of your charms
Kept you snug and warm, comfort in my arms

Simple things in life include holding hands
In future events, we are making plans
A life together, this is what I know
Wonderful chance given to us to grow

All the time we spend together as one
Happiness shall never become undone
When the day comes, and you say “I love you”
I realise my daughter, I’ll believe you

I cry every time I read this

I wrote a lot of *these* explanations in my book just so I don’t forget why I wrote them. This one was because I can’t remember if it ever happened, and I think/know that it won’t ever happen.

My introduction... Hello

Doolhof — Fri, 01 Mar 2019 02:20:42 GMT

Hi David,

I commented just a moment ago on the other thread you started with a wonderful poem about sadness and depression.

I see you have explained a little more of your story here.

Depression can seem like a very lonely journey at times. It can make it hard to reach out to others.

I'm pleased you have found this place and hope you feel comfortable here.

Cheers from Dools

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Sat, 02 Mar 2019 05:35:11 GMT

Hi again Dools...

I don’t feel comfortable unless it is behind a keyboard.

I don’t understand “people”... Depression doesn’t *seem* to be a lonely journey... it is.

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Sun, 03 Mar 2019 23:34:30 GMT

Hi Dools,

no offence taken.

I always prefer conversation and truth.

My introduction... Hello

Doolhof — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 02:07:22 GMT

Hi David,

I asked the moderators to remove my message to you as I felt it was inappropriate. Sorry for my earlier response to you. At present I am dealing with my own mental health issues and that reflected in the words I chose to write.

I totally agree with you that depression IS A LONELY journey. Depression can make us feel like no one can help us and no one cares.

It makes me feel like I can't reach out to people because no one gets it.

If expressing yourself through words helps you, than please continue to do so.

Your poetry is powerful.

Cheers to you from Dools

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 04:26:50 GMT

No problems at all...

The hardest part for me is that most of my poetry contains my emotional extremities from a time when I was “at my lowest”. I need to be mindful of other people. Something I am not very good at. My skin is extremely thick, and it takes a lot to get through. Either good or bad.

My introduction... Hello

Doolhof — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 05:43:50 GMT

Hi again David,

No doubt there are people who will be able to relate to what you have written in your lowest moments.

There may be some people who do not realise that others have experienced what they have. By sharing your words, you open up the opportunity for others to understand others acknowledge what they are experiencing.

Is it possible for you to express how you do feel when you have a moment when life is not so dark?

I have two journals. One I write all my dark and depressing thoughts in, the other I use for hope and to record the things that have gone well for me. Things or events I am grateful for.

I can write in my off loading journal then think of something positive to include in my hope journal, or if I can't come up with anything new, I can look in it and be reminded of past positives.

In your first post here you mentioned Aspergers, my husband has that. I realise at times it is difficult for him to comprehend the level of pain I am in, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Good communication helps!

Hope your day is going reasonably well.

Cheers from Dools

My introduction... Hello

lozs — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 06:42:51 GMT

Thanks for sharing your poem David

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 11:38:18 GMT

Hi Dools,

for some reason I thought you were male... that’s not a bad comment by me, just what I thought. Actually reading your post again, I could be right in my assumption. But you know what assumption did? Made an ass out of u and mption... yes I groaned too.

As to your question... my recent post on (can we say Facebook?) was... something like (So it cant be searched for)

Is my happiness and a valid trade off for inspiration? When my life is less of an emotional roller coaster, there is also less writing... it’s depressing to be too “opposite of depressed” to be productive. I think I’m my own oxymoron.

I haven’t written anything for a week or so now. I don’t want to write negative stories, and I have no inspiration to write happy ones. And I’m not letting that stress me, because I still have around 600 unpublished “writings”, so I’m all set for my next 3 books.

I can’t remember where I was going with that story, so I’ll finish now.

David

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 11:39:11 GMT

My pleasure Lozs.

thankyou for your comment.

My introduction... Hello

blondguy — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 13:29:15 GMT

Hey David

You are a legend for having the strength to jump in and be a part of the forums with your introduction

You enjoy writing when you can...I dont really have the motivation myself...I wish I did!

Can I ask what motivates you?.....If thats okay

Just sharing with you...I have had this horrible acute anxiety/depression for 36 years (in recovery now)

The forums are a Safe and non judgemental place for us to post David...otherwise I wouldnt be here

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

My introduction... Hello

David Nobody — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 14:16:29 GMT

Hi Paul,

thank you for your enthusiastic support.

I don’t see myself as a legend. Hiding behind a keyboard makes this a very safe place to be. I would never be able to talk like this in public, and I must belittle any achievement.

From when I was 40 (10ish years ago), newly divorced, and newly medicated, my motivation was simple, attempted “poetry seduction”. I don’t remember specifically what prompted it, but I think the intended victim was a school librarian, and I guess I thought the written word was a way into her feelings (pants)... oops did I write that or just think it? There were “just think how great our life together will be” (get me a bucket) to “omg I did it again” three poems later.

That was “After Marriage”. Then came “Hospitalisation”, which involved a lot of swear words, pain, memories (all bad), end of employment and end of any non-mandatory relationships. Finally comes “Treatment (or Avoidance)”, trying to get back into general survival, albeit reasonably unsuccessfully. Finishing around a year ago just after my 50th birthday.

Throughout the last two phases, the main motivation to write was to avoid “reality” and preserve my memory. They are all sad, dark, woe-is-me with a bit of sparkle sometimes, but not often. I narrated the whole journey, explaining or justifying everything. So it became essentially an autobiography.

How I Do It

Exertion gives my thoughts release
Memories pushed down, brain at peace
Each next mile buys some welcome time
Time to breathe though not time to shine

Walking the streets, around my town
This old man comes tumbling down
A sight that’s common, not so rare
People look at me, stop and stare

The thoughts I have, the things I see
I write them all down, one, two, three
This I do, so I don’t forget
Forget lots of things. Have we met?

The thought, the spark, it is fleeting
Like two brain cells, a short meeting
On my return, then I review
What I’ve written down, what is new

Sometimes they’re good, oft’ times they’re bad
The many thoughts are always sad
Two combined, a larger thought made
Even then might not make the grade

After review, those that remain
Shined and polished, given a name
Rhyming is rhymed, metre is met
All that is left, I plum forget

I write poetry about writing poetry...

My introduction... Hello

blondguy — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 14:55:21 GMT

Hey David

Thankyou for your inspirational post. You have a brilliant way with words... I wish I did. I just turned 59 in December and never thought I would still be here now after joining the forums in 2016 after being made redundant and having a meltdown afterwards

You are strong David....I didnt have the guts to post my own thread topic when I joined so I just sat in the Beyond Blue Cafe and spoke to some really caring people...I was a real mess...and very scared/anxious

Your poetry is seriously good value...I like when you mentioned "I write poetry about writing poetry.." That is original and really creative David....Good1 🙂

I wish I was 50 again....still....thats not my call to make

Thanks heaps for taking the time to post back David (thumbs up!)

Great to have you with us

kindest always

Paul

PS...You are not hiding behind anything..(even a keyboard).....I have a sibling and many friends that are too scared to even google Beyond Blue that struggle with mental illness....and thats okay as its their decision....so be it....When I mentioned the 'legend' word...I meant it. You dont have any issues where 'self expression' is concerned....Good on you David

My introduction... Hello

Doolhof — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 19:51:37 GMT

Hi David,

Yes, I am female. Being born this way was a huge disappointment to my mother. Not much I could do about it though.

That is one thing with the forum, we may never know another person's gender or how they identify unless we ask or they make it specifically clear.

Regarding writing, I tend to be able to write so much more when depressed and struggling than when I feel normal or happy.

I'm sure people express themselves in many different ways, through art, photography, song, music, how they dress and so on depending on how they are feeling.

Yes, you can mention Facebook here, just not your identity on there as the forum encourages people to stay anonymous.

Cheers from Dools