topic What stops you from joining in on the forum? in Welcome and orientation

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Quercus — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 16:46:24 GMT

Hello everyone,

I keep seeing something that makes me wonder...

70% of BB members are silent readers.

Am I the only one who finds that really sad?

I was one of the 70% once.

Sadly enough it was when I was at my very worst.

I really needed help and guidance and advice. To be told I'm not imagining things or overreacting. To be listened to.

But to me actually posting was beyond me until I had started medication and therapy.

It makes me feel sad to think that although I feel well enough to write now there are probably people reading this who are where I was a year and a half ago.

So I was hoping to find out more about why we feel unable to reach out.

Maybe if we can all share our stories it might make others see that posting is not really as scary as it seems when you are not feeling very good.

On that note...

What stopped you from posting?

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

blondguy — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 17:15:50 GMT

Hi Quercus

You have brought up a good point. As you mentioned the bulk of the people find peace by reading our experiences with mental health who decide not to post. I have many people I know that find so much comfort in choosing to only read the forums and have no interest in posting

Just my humble opinion....but to me its not sad at all. Its a wonderful resource for so many to benefit from.

Its really a matter of choice for the readers I guess...not an inability to reach out....

I understand where you are coming from though Quercus 🙂

My Kindest

Paul

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

geoff — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 17:40:18 GMT

hi Quercus, I have to agree with Paul many people maybe too afraid to post a comment until they have read other posts and familiarise themselves with how the forum actually works.

It's no different than being in a classroom where the lecturer asks if anybody wants to ask a question, you certainly do but are too afraid of what other people think of you, so in the end you don't.

I know what you are saying but there are a large majority who only want to read to make sure they feel comfortable, and we have had posters who have said that they have been on the site for a long time but decided to post their first comment. Geoff.

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

White_Rose — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 20:59:55 GMT

It's a tricky situation.

First of all, readers need to believe their anonymity is secure. Difficult to ensure the person knows they are safe. However, for those who think about starting the process, it is clear from the form that they do not need to provide much identifying personal information. As I have said before, I could be your next door neighbour and neither of us would know.

There is a huge fear of telling a personal story. Those who only read will learn there are probably more difficult or tricky situations than their's being posted here. But to unburden themselves, especially if they have not told anyone else, can be confronting. I know that my problems can assume huge proportions when all I do is think about them. There is a huge difference between thinking over our lives and actually writing it down. I often suggest posters to keep a journal of some sort and many find it empowering.

Shame also plays a large part. Being depressed for example, is not something we choose. Let's face it, who would. Community attitudes towards mental illness are starting to change but there are many who condemn anyone in this situation. We know we are different. There is no shame, no blame, no derogatory statements, simply a welcoming community. We support those who write in, we walk with them, we encourage them to get the appropriate help. In short we do everything we can to help.

As Geoff has said, there are many people who do pluck up the courage to post after they have roamed the forum for a while. Also many who find help and inspiration simply by reading.

I think we share so many parts of our lives on this forum I think it would provide reassurance to anyone reading. But Nat you have put your finger on the main difficulty. We can be overwhelmed by our various illnesses and cannot talk about it. Reading is the best some people can manage, at least for a while.

To anyone reading this thread, please consider posting here if you have a problem. I promise we don't bite.

Mary

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Birdy77 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 22:32:15 GMT

Hi Nat, Paul, Geoff, Mary

I don't think it's sad that many people just read and don't post.

Reading and following other's conversations and journeys can be really comforting in my opinion and sometimes that's all we can manage.

It's like receiving the care and support vicariously through others postings, and if that's all we can manage, it's still a great, supportive resource.

🌻birdy

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Quercus — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 01:57:45 GMT

Hi Paul and Geoff and Mary and Birdy and everyone else reading,

Facinating replies. Thank you all.This from you Paul made me think...

Its really a matter of choice for the readers I guess...not an inability to reach out....

Yes. I agree with this. I suppose what I was trying to get at is how many readers are making a voluntary choice to read only and how many want to post but for whatever reason can't?

What I find sad (which I didn't explain well) was those people (like I was) who want and need help and for some reason are unable to reach out.

I want to discuss this if that's ok because I understand it from both sides and a year and a half later I see the benefit of finally taking the chance to ask for help.

For me there were a few main concerns...

Worrying I was wasting people's time. That I was a waste of time.
Scared that I would either get no response or be judged as weak or weird.
Concerns about my privacy and the idea that people would recognise and humiliate me.
Reading other stories I felt like my story was nothing in comparison and I should have been able to get myself in order.

What do you think? I would love to know.

Nat

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Birdy77 — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 02:11:19 GMT

Hi Nat,

Each of your points ring true, despite what i said earlier!

I still feel a bit guarded about privacy. I feel what if i reveal too many details (even "insignificant: details like my hobbies or pets or interests) in case someone here does know me and pieces it together.

Every point you made is somethibg i have felt though, for sure.

🌻birdy

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Guest8901 — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 02:25:42 GMT

Hi Quercus,

For me, each of those four dot points you just mentioned were very high on my list of concerns when considering first posting on BB. I joined a month or so prior to my first post, and I spent most of that time wrestling with those points. Whilst doing so, I read a lot and learned from others.

I agree with other comments here that much can be gained by just reading relevant threads that interest you. Learning from others experiences can be quite a powerful ally.

Yes Birdy, same as you, I remain cautious of saying something which may result in identifying me to someone in my real life. I'm from a rural community and conscious of giving away what may seem innocuous to someone in a city, but not so in a small village where most people know each other.

Amanda

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Chris_B — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 03:07:54 GMT

Hi everyone, including any new members reading, and thanks to Quercus for starting this thread.

From a data perspective, we do have a little bit of information on this question from our three waves of user research conducted in 2015, 2016 and 2017. Some of you reading may have completed one or more of these surveys, which over three years reached 3,385 registered forum users.

Here's some relevant bits of info:

* One of the questions asked respondents to rank three activities on the forums - (1) reading only, (2) replying to a thread, (3) starting a thread. In 2015, the majority of people ranked reading first (80%), but we saw a substantial shift over the next two years towards active participation - in 2017, only 68% of people ranked reading first.

* Despite the trend, you can see that most forum users do still prefer to read rather than contribute. In another question, when asking respondents to rank the most useful aspects of the forum, across 3 years respondents saw the forums as most useful for informing first - (factual information about depression/anxiety, tips/advice about how others have coped with certain situations), followed by connecting (ability to communicate with others who know what I'm going through).

* A minority of members report feelings that may prevent them from actively participating:
- 26% agreed/completely agreed with the statement "I have experienced a sense of anxiety when thinking about responding to posts"
- 18% agreed/completely agreed with the statement "Forums create a fear of being judged"
- 16% agreed/completely agreed with the statement "Forums have caused me to feel more depressed/anxious by reading about the situations of others"

(Note: the 'negative' figures above are from the 2017 survey, these figures were higher in 2015 which suggests the anxiety among members in these areas is decreasing)

* The majority of respondents reported that their last visit to the forums made them feel less depressed (54%) or less anxious (56%). A minority felt more depressed (6%) or more anxious (5%). These figures did not significantly change depending on level of active participation.

I think these figures back up many of the points made above. We shouldn't discount the value of the forums as a read-only resource, but we should continue to be mindful of what we can do to encourage those who wish to participate but don't yet feel ready to.

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Birdy77 — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 03:27:37 GMT

Hi again all (added wave to Amanda and thanks Chris for that interesting data),

Just thought of another reason.

I just posted on another thread and I'm feeling anxious because i posted something I'm now thinking was very naïve and wish i could retract it! It made sense in my head, now i wish i hadn't posted it 😔 and worried about the comments that might follow.

So a reason for not posting might be not feeling able to express exactly what we want to say, feeling others will read it and interpret it differently to how we intended.

😨birdy

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

White_Rose — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 09:49:51 GMT

Hello Birdy

I can relate to that anxiety. I know what I mean when I post here, or for that matter when I write an email or letter. The words we choose in our explanation can have a different connotation to others. That is the drawback to written communication. There is no speech tone or body language which usually helps the conversation. If I may offer a suggestion. When you want to write a post and you feel it may be difficult, write it in your Word program or whatever you use. Fiddle around with it until you are satisfied. Then copy and paste it in here.

Yes this can be reason for some people not to post. The thought of being misunderstood is a very powerful deterrent. We can suffer agonies of embarrassment which in reality no one has read into your post or thinks about you. Well I cannot prove this of course, other than to say if you reread that post in six months time I bet you would see nothing wrong with it. We are, as always, our own worst critic and we try to hold ourselves up to impossible standards.

The only cure is time. Time lets us look back as see ourselves for what we are, not some silly person who cannot write a post, but someone managing all sorts of problems in the way they know best. Not sure this reply is of any use to this thread. I hope it has helped you Birdy.

Mary

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Dniaiu — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 14:02:19 GMT

Dot points 4 & 2(ish)

Reading other stories I felt like my story was nothing in comparison and I should have been able to get myself in order.
Expectation that I would probably get no response as an outsider to the existing group of champions, badge holders, and authors of 100s of posts.

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Quercus — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 14:36:58 GMT

Hello everyone!

How amazing to read all of your responses.

Firstly thank you Dniaiu. It is daunting being new to the forums let alone taking those first steps joining in. You have a really good point there.

I felt like that too. I think most people do. That's why there is a real focus on keeping the forums welcoming and inclusive... Because it is scary to put yourself out there! Good on you. Do you have a thread you want to share the title of so we can say hello?

And Birdy and Mary, the joys of mixing up the written word huh! You're not the first Birdy and you're not going to be the last. Conflict and misunderstandings are inevitable. The best thing I learnt was to keep trying. You will have times where you feel a little bruised or guilty...

But always remember these forums are moderated. So there are checks in place to protect others when you reply. Plus we all have the ability to report posts if needed. So it is not all on you ok. All anyone is asking of you is to do whatever works for you. If you feel good supporting others go for it. Worst case scenario you upset someone, others help you out and you try again. You're doing great Birdy.

Hello Amanda (Mandy),

Privacy in a small town makes sense to me. I went about it a different way. Decided if I wrote something online I had to be willing to say it to the person if asked.

So my immediate family know I write on the forums. My husband knows my username (I don't know of he has ever read any). Others though I don't tell. I had worried about my work colleagues finding out.

And Chris!

What can I say? In you fly with the stats and awesomeness. You should join in the conversations more often 😊

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

CMF — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 20:49:36 GMT

Hi all,

when I first joined I would 'sit' in the BB cafe and read others' posts. I was depressed, lost, lonely, didn't want to be around people. I did the same at my local cafe, sat outside on my own, too scared to sit inside with people as I was ashamed of my situation. Didn't wNt to talk to anyone, I saw people having fun in the cafe, both cafes, and didn't think I'd fit in. Eventually I did post, then started a thread. Eventually I did sit inside my local cafe, talk to people, meet the locals and here I still am years later. Both here and my local cafe I'm like part of the furniture, my confidence has grown and I have many wonderful people in my life.

cmf x

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

CMF — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 20:53:43 GMT

Oh can I add, sometimes we are too scared to 'put it out there' because it makes it real. If we make it real we have to deal with it. It's like we can't hide from it because people know, they will ask, try to help. We need to be ready to face that reality.

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

White_Rose — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 22:22:39 GMT

Hello CMF

That's a good point in the post above. While we sit ruminating over our various difficulties we are locking ourselves into the dark places. And we know this is a bad place to be. Summoning up the courage to post is hard. BB has tried to make this forum as friendly and welcome as possible and I think threads such as this are a terrific help. Perhaps we should make a FAQ section? 😊

I would like to think that the stories on BB are helpful in showing others there is a way into the light. Perhaps these stories will encourage the readers to at least attempt to post. Stories like yours about sitting inside the cafe and being part of the furniture. It's a great analogy and an even more positive outcome.

Along with that is feeling wanted and accepted. Dniaiu's post is a great example of feeling inferior in some way because others have much worse stories and feeling her/his post will not be answered. All these badges can be a put off I suppose, though that was not the intention. In fact it was meant to be reassuring and helpful. As an aside, if you hover your mouse over the badges you will see what the badges mean. I hope that helps.

Not posting because our problems are not as bad as others is not right. There is no hierarchy of problems. What seems like a devastating situation to one person another will manage more easily. Comparison of ourselves with those perceive as being worse off, or even comparison with those who seem to have it all together, is unhelpful. Our individual stories are important because they are individual. Recovery is a different road for everyone even if we happen to meet a fellow traveller.

Another major problem is when we feel we are not good enough or do not deserve anyone to respond to us. Beyond Blue was set up specifically to help people talk about their fears and feelings and is why there are safeguards which stop people knowing who you are and not publishing a photo of yourself.

Please, new people, take a deep breath and write hello to us.

Mary

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Doolhof — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 22:24:49 GMT

Hi Everyone,

Over the years I have clocked up a few posts here on this forum. Some days, all I do is read what others have written as I feel like I have nothing to contribute on those days. Some days, due to how I am feeling myself, I too have doubts about what I do write.

I'd like to encourage everyone to just be themselves here on the forum. We are all so different, communicate in our own style, some of us have a lot to say, others can make wonderful dot points (something I struggle with! Ha. Ha.)

We have all travelled our own journey, our issues are important to us so we each have a right to discuss what we feel we need to. We do not have to worry if our concern is worthy or not, all concerns are equally worthy.

Yes, there may be times when for some reason a thread is not seen and responded to in a fashion we expect or desire. There is no reason for this to happen, it just does occasionally. It does not mean that person is being ignored or rejected, some threads just don't take off.

If you are a person who has been reading for a long time and have had doubts about posting, maybe this is an opportunity for you to do so now. Or you might like to start in one of the social threads to see how that feels for you.

Either way, I like to think we have a rather amazing community here!

Cheers all from Dools

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Quercus — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 23:23:55 GMT

Beautifully said Mary. I can't add anything you've said it all 😊.

Hi Mrs D! Welcome to the conversation. I love how you mentioned styles and just being ourselves. That is an idea I have some dot points about...

Is your spelling and grammer terrible? Doesn't matter. We still want to hear from you.
Problems with writing or reading such as being dyslexic? No worries we care about you mistakes and all.
English not so good? If you could see me I'm shrugging. It doesn't matter. There is a section about multicultural experiences and you'll find a lot of people who feel the same anxiety.
Short posts. Long posts. All are welcome. Like Mrs D said we are all different. All members respond to the styles that they're comfortable with and that's ok too.
Not sure about the rules? Check out the welcome section... The first few posts pinned to the top explain the rules and moderation. Then start a new thread and say hello... Your style!
Mistakes happen! Every one of us will at some point have a post moderated. The moderator team are here to keep the community safe. So a moderation is not a slight on you. It is simply a measure to keep everyone safe.
Mistakes happen again! Conflict will happen. The forums are a gentle place. But misunderstandings happen. Please don't let that discourage you from writing to others. Just keep trying. If you are getting upset at a post and think it might be out of the rules report it. You're not on your own here.
People use the forums in a lot of different ways. Some write for company. Others want feedback on a problem. Or the pleasure of helping others. Some like me write to work through the chaos in their heads. All styles have a place here.

The point of my waffling. It doesn't matter how you write as long as speaking out helps you somehow.

❤ Nat

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

Quercus — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 23:37:38 GMT

Wow CMF this is so true!

sometimes we are too scared to 'put it out there' because it makes it real. If we make it real we have to deal with it

I agree totally. Once I read only too. Searched for stories similar to my own. I found plenty. Knew what was happening wasn't right. But I couldn't post. Why? Because to some extent the forums hold you accountable even if it is only to yourself.

The only person responsible for you is yourself. Others will support and encourage you but you have to want to help yourself.

I couldn't post because I wasn't ready to own the feelings in my head and admit to them.

What stops you from joining in on the forum?

blondguy — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 09:08:44 GMT

Hey Quercus

I felt exactly like Dniaiu did prior to posting anything.

I was so nervous when I typed in my first post.....as in frozen..

The Beyond Cafe was a good place to be at the time as I felt like I didnt belong on the forums, especially having some heavy depression at the time 2 years ago

Good1 Quercus 🙂

Paul