topic I sometimes go to an inner dark place in Welcome and orientation

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Itisso — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:01:44 GMT

Hello,

I have always had an inner dark place which I try to avoid
but can’t always manage to stay away from. Posting here is a huge step for me, as it is
for most of you.

I have a family history of mental health issues and deep
depression and saw, heard and experienced things during childhood which I then
seemed to carry some of onto adulthood. There is no blame here, It is what it
is.

Past years have bought highs and lows (as they do to everyone)
and visiting the dark inner place seemed to serve a purpose from which I always
managed to emerge from. This year some extreme lows, have left me feeling totally
isolated and bereft. I have at times feared that I would totally unravel and
not be able to find my way back.

Darker thoughts, personal issues and an awful tragedy have
been eating away and recent feelings of absolute un bearable sadness, low self
worth, self depreciation and regret for some past major decisions was leading
me to much darker areas.

Somehow I seem to manage to escape from this terrible place.
I constantly tell myself I will be OK and that I must change. My dilemma is how
can I change who and what I am. On a good day I actually quite like who I am,
even with my short-comings. On a bad day I wonder who the hell I am.

Today is a better day, but yesterday I was in the abyss after
a couple of really bad weeks leading to a dire week-end. How can these feelings
sometimes change so fast?

I really appreciate days like today. I feel nearly normal
(whatever that is) and I hope that every day I will feel like this. There is so
much I have to be thankful for, I cannot comprehend why I feel so hopeless
sometimes.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Starwolf — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 02:04:07 GMT

Hi Itisso, a warm welcome to you.

Well done for mustering the courage to reach out and share your thoughts. These forums are a safe place to give voice to silent suffering. Rest assured you will be heard.

I too have had a traumatic past. You are right, it leaves deep emotional scars. And yes, darkness can infiltrate every area of life, creating havoc with peace of mind. Have you been struggling alone ? Do you have medical/counseling assistance ? Sorry about the questions, the more we know about you, the better we can help, which is what we'd like to do. We can point you in the right direction but it is also OK if you only need to vent your feelings. Many of us will know what you are talking about.

The past cannot be changed but it needs to be processed. The mind is a complicated maze at the best of times, even more so the wounded one. Having a guide often helps understand what it is we are up against and how to best manage it.

It is good to know you have emerged again from the abyss. I can feel joy and relief between the lines of your post. It is true we wouldn't appreciate the better days without having bad ones to compare them with. But surely, do the dark ones have to be this awful ? I'm here to let you know some balance can be eventually be reached. It CAN get better.

I hope you will choose to continue to post. Unloading our darkest feelings and thoughts is therapeutic in itself.

It is good to have you on board.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

solabear — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 03:37:23 GMT

Welcome on board Itisso, and thank you for sharing. It takes courage indeed.

I suffer from bipolar and you just described how I feel. When I'm at the dark place I have know self esteem, can't cope with anything. And when I feel normal I love myself, very capable, motivated and happy. and sometimes I feel too high which is not good because I get in to things which I can't deal with later.

I'm on meds, but I still fluctuate a bit. I wouldn't know how to survive without the meds, but this is just me.

I know how you feel and love to hear from you again. I'm here to listen and you can ask any question.

Take care

Sola

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Itisso — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 07:37:02 GMT

Hi Starwolf,

Thank you for your reply and reassuring words.

I have had counselling for recent items but they did not
address the overall emotions (High’s and deep lows) which seems odd now I think
about it. But then again these sessions were aimed at specific events.

I have been struggling alone in that I have not revealed the
inner darkness of these awful lows to anyone when they occur and they can
easily be hidden or explained by others as being caused by certain recent events
that have taken place. I agree to some extent that this could be the case. But
I cannot understand the utter self hate that washes over me during these times
and the flash backs to past decisions that had to be made on my part that did
impact on other people.

I totally agree about your comment relating to the past
cannot be changed and needing to be processed. A couple of very major decisions
of mine I am having trouble doing this with, simply because they were so
altering for myself and others. One event was years ago and one more recent.

Some people seem to make these types of decisions and not look
back. I am not one of those people.

Sometimes I have balance and others I don’t. Some recent
changes just seem to have added to the already shaky situation and so the inner
dark place rears its ugly head.

I did actually feel better for writing the post and I was
also on the up at the time (which you rightly pointed out regarding relief)

Today is also a good day. I just take each day as it comes and
try to maintain some positive thought.

I know it can get better, because it has in the past, but
this abyss was darker and somewhat scary in its intensity. It was more of a
fight to get onto the right side of it.

Again, thank you.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Itisso — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 07:57:27 GMT

Hi Sola,

Thank you for your reply.

Your second paragraph just about sums me up nicely too. My
goodness, I can really relate to your comment about feeling too high and
getting into things which you can’t deal with later.

I have wondered if bipolar is a possible reason for my
issues. I have seen the good and the bad for meds. I guess it is an individual
choice to be made.

I actually seem to self hate because of past hurt I have
caused to others. It causes me great pain to think about it, even though the
decisions had to be made. Just writing this down has been a realisation.

May I ask how long you have been taking the meds and in what
way to they affect you?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Guest_128 — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 09:31:21 GMT

Hey Itisso,

I just want to say hello, I understand you.

Later

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Itisso — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 09:57:36 GMT

Hi 9 names later,

Thank you for your reply and understanding. It means a lot.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Guest_128 — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 10:04:47 GMT

Don't know if anyone has said,go checkout the social threads.😀

Later

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

solabear — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 11:35:24 GMT

Hi Itisso, I'm so glad that I was a bit helpful to you.

I've been on my meds for about 10 years on and off. I take a combination of antidepressant and antipsychotic (not for psychosis, but mood stabilising ) they work very well together but it took a while for the doctors to find the right ones for me because there are so many on the market and everybody reacts to it differently. I personally can not tolerate most of them, so it took ages to find the this combination which works for me.

It's up to you what you decide to do, but if you decide to try meds, you have to be patient until you find the right one.

I hope this helped

Sola xx

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Itisso — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 22:07:33 GMT

Thanks, I will do that.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Itisso — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 22:23:09 GMT

Hi Sola, you were a great help.

Over the years, i've know some people who were desperate to drop their meds. I think it was because they worried about the possibility of long term effects or addiction and the fact that they felt they were not themselves while on them. I am also astonished by the number of people I have met over the years who are on meds. Leads me to wonder if it is all related to our lifestyle of today.

Sometimes I feel that it would be great to have a standby "something" for those awful downs, but try to maintain things in between. Then again maybe I would not get those awful downs if here was a steadying med.

This is all opening up more thought for me.

Thanks

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

solabear — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 21:05:20 GMT

Hi Itisso,

It is true ....so many of us are on medication these days and I wonder about the reason myself. You could be right about our lifestyle being the cause, and could be diet has something to do with it. No one really knows.

Let me know what you decide to do about medication. Once you're on the right one, it can make a big difference to your life and I don't think meds are very addictive. I was able to get off them many times in the past, it wasn't too hard.

Sola

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Starwolf — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 00:24:34 GMT

Thank you for the feedback and for sharing more insight into your situation.

As Solabear pointed out, we are all different so react differently to a similar treatment. Unfortunately, it may take several attempts before finding the right medication and dosage. The same applies to finding a therapist/counselor we can connect and work with long term. There is no way a prescribing doctor can know if the med given is not working out without being told. It would be wise to get a diagnosis, if you feel you may have a bipolar disorder so that the right medication is prescribed. There are lots of people with BP who live a highly functional life with the help of mood stabilizers.

And you are right, ideally there would be no need for being medicated. Reality is, this is an imperfect world populated by imperfect people. Life is a challenge. We are thrown into it without a user's manual and have to figure it out as we go. No wonder we end up being stressed out !

It seems you have high expectations of yourself. Making the wrong decisions, hurting other people is unfortunately part and parcel of being human. As long as we learn not to repeat the mistakes made, then they will have served their purpose. It is often the only way we can learn because -at the time when wrong decisions were made- we just didn't have the inner resources to do otherwise. Not repeating mistakes means turning negativity into its opposite. We are often our harshest critics...

The fact that you acknowledge and regret hurting others shows you have courage and a big heart. Here you are, reaching out, trying to work out how best to manage your troubled inner world. So please be kind to yourself...and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

solabear — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 04:26:04 GMT

Great reply from you Starwolf, you really put it into perspectives. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this thread, you sound really resourceful and knowledgeable.

Warm wishes

Sola

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Starwolf — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 05:16:18 GMT

Thank you for your kind words, Sola.

I am nothing special, just someone who -like many of us- went through hell...and kept going. My aim is to let other people in distress know that it can get better. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't true. And yes, there were mistakes, setbacks, stagnation and despair along the way but they were all part of the journey towards recovery.

Kudos to you for having the patience to experiment until the right treatment was found. Balance is a difficult state to achieve and maintain at the best of times. Anyone struggling with highs and lows on a regular basis deserves nothing but admiration and respect.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

solabear — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 06:50:28 GMT

You are an incredibly strong person and certainly very special. Kudos for never giving up. You've been through hell and you kept going, you are brave and compassionate.

You're awesome......hugs

Sola

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Itisso — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 10:22:19 GMT

Thank you Starwolf, for your thoughtful, composed and supportive reply.

You express things in an understanding and conscious way and have given me much food for thought in a positive way.

Many thanks.

I sometimes go to an inner dark place

Itisso — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 10:25:05 GMT

It certainly was a great reply from Starwolf.

You too Sola have provided me with insight for more thought.

Thank you both.