topic hello in Welcome and orientation

hello

running_girl — Mon, 22 May 2017 09:47:15 GMT

Hi I’m new here. I’m not really sure why I’m posting….the need to connect I guess. I have a longish history of anxiety and depression but it’s only in the last 5 years that I’ve admitted this to myself, sought professional help and started on SSRIs, etc. My dr and meds have helped save me a few times over I think.

The last 12 months have been particularly rough, although I’m past the worst now. I split with my partner of 20+ years about a year ago and was not prepared for the emotional upheaval this would put me through. Although I wanted the separation, I have not handled being single with as much dignity and courage as I would’ve liked and, as a result, have put myself in situations where I’ve gotten hurt. The most recent being a friend who confessed he had feelings for me, and once I digested this information and started to respond in kind, he completely withdrew from me without any explanation whatsoever. It’s hard not to let this affect my sense of self-worth (and for the most part, I don’t, but on bad days…). I'm surprised at just how frightening I found it to suddenly become single again, although I'm starting to feel more comfortable with it these days.

I have a few friends and some family but no one I feel really close to. My social life is pretty uneventful and the loneliness does get to me, especially on weekends. Also, ever since my separation, I haven’t been able to sit through a film or even a tv show. And reading, which has been my lifelong love, is virtually impossible. Has anyone else experienced this and did things go back to normal eventually?

Anyway, thanks for listening – it feels better just having said this aloud (so to speak) to someone other than myself or my dr.

Take care everyone, rg

hello

white knight — Mon, 22 May 2017 14:20:10 GMT

Hi rg, welcome

You can check out thousands of threads here in various sections that will help.

Also you can use google. Here are some threads you can google

Topic: depression a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Glad to see you here

Tony WK

hello

geoff — Mon, 22 May 2017 18:31:22 GMT

Morning running_girl, absolutely, I felt exactly the same as you did after being married for 25 years, I think it was more of a shock, but being in depression it's not something that I thought would ever happen, because my mind was blocked off from any realisation of the harm I was creating, but now in hindsight I could only expect it.
I don't have any social life now, whereas before it was virtually full on, however now the hours of my life have changed considerably, completely the opposite to how I was once living, that doesn't worry me anymore, because I live the hours I want to which are completely different to what others live.
My depression and the amount of medication I have to take, for various other medical problems has done this to me, but I'm don't concerned or worried about it, and sometimes it can get me out from going somewhere I don't really want to go to.
What I can see is that your life has changed to comletely what you used to love doing, well the same happened with me, everything I used to love doing doesn't interest me anymore, but if you told me that 40 years ago, I would have laughed and said 'it's impossible', but with depression and the lose of my marriage has caused all of this.
I know exactely how you feel, but please take some comfort in knowing that a change isn't that bad after all. Geoff. x

hello

running_girl — Tue, 23 May 2017 00:53:53 GMT

Hi Tony WK,

Thanks for the welcome. Am happy to be here.

I’ll check out the threads you’ve recommended when I get home tonight.

I appreciate it - many thanks,

rg 🙂

hello

running_girl — Tue, 23 May 2017 01:32:02 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your reply and sharing some of your story with me. I’m sorry to hear you’ve also experienced the trauma of a marriage breakup in addition to living with
depression. It is comforting though, to hear from someone who has ‘been there’ and
knows how dark and confusing it can be. My ex also suffers from major depression
and in hindsight I can see that it was bound to end the way it did. We are both still in shock I think, even though it’s been over a year now. We have a reasonably amicable relationship now and still keep in touch. A lot of the tension and resentment between us has been resolved over the last 12 months…though, not entirely :)… because we’re each now free to live our own lives.

I made the mistake of isolating myself in my marriage and that is largely why I now have a fairly lacklustre social life. I am making some efforts to change this but it is hard and sometimes it goes against the grain. Despite being lonely, I don’t always feel like being social and often have to push myself to make the effort. I also have issues within trusting people. Part of me envies the freedom you must feel in living your own hours and not getting roped into things that don’t interest you.

You're right in that my life has completely changed and, with it, my interests. I don’t really know who I am anymore. This terrified me a few months ago but I’m starting to be ok with the fact that my identity is, at present, unformed. I do believe that one day I’m going to look back on this period and realise that my life changed for the better – even if it was a painful transition.

Best,

rg x

hello

TeresaB — Wed, 24 May 2017 08:47:21 GMT

Hi Running Girl,

I have also been in a similar situation after seperating from my partner of 15 years. I was also quiet isolated and my world was the living with my ex. I have pretty much no friends and have a hard time trusting people. I find socialising in general quiet difficult as I suffer anxiety and can feel uncomfortable in new surroundings or new company.. so its a vicious circle of being lonely but finding myself still withdrawing to stay in my comfort zone! I have a strong desire to connect with people or just enjoy company of a genuine friend, but it seems too difficult to achieve!

hello

Quercus — Wed, 24 May 2017 09:11:30 GMT

Hi Running Girl and Teresa B,

Just wanted to welcome you both to the forums 😊

Starting again, out of a relationship you'd known for years is such a difficult thing. Most especially if you've isolated yourself while in the relationship. I really feel for you both.

The only suggestion I have from my experience is to make an effort to ease yourself out of your comfort zone. If someone from work invites you out... Go. Take a night class in something interesting. Pick up the phone and reconnect with an old friend. Join a sport or a gym. Take your dog for a walk at the same park every day. Absolutely anything that gets you mixing with people on a regular basis.

I made a good friend taking my son to baby rhyme time at the library every week. We were both lonely and the rest of the mums were a bit of a clique so we'd talk. That was 4 years ago. She's a good friend now. But of you don't make yourself get out of the house noone has a chance of getting to know you.

Anyway sermon over 😊. It's great to have you both on the forums. Hope to see you about some more. Check out social zone if you haven't already.

PS TeresaB if you want to make your own thread in welcome/orientation you're very welcome to. It gives you a place just for you to talk about whatever you want 😊

hello

MickeyM — Wed, 24 May 2017 09:17:29 GMT

Hi Running Girl 😀

I'm so pleased to meet you, albeit online.

My doctor told me one that "We grow into our lives" I like to think that by reaching out to the BB community, this is a start for you to extend yourself and be involved in your own community. Maybe check out your local Neighborhood House to see what they offer? It could be a good, safe environment for you to meet new people with similar interests.

I've also had anxiety for a number of years, and to be honest, I'm a bit of a hermit. I find it hard to make new friends, as so many people already have their own circle of friends. I also tire really easily, which is a part of depression, plus I don't drink, so even when there's a night out, I'm thinking of my escape plan. It's hard, but worth it.

Mickey

hello

MickeyM — Wed, 24 May 2017 09:24:28 GMT

Hi TeresaB

I wanted to respond to your post & say welcome, it's good to meet you, too! 👋

I think Quercus has a great idea of starting your own thread, but I must admit, it was a while before I posted in my own thread! I don't know why, I guess at the time I just wanted to be a part of something or help someone else somehow...not that I've got words of wisdom or anything, but I guess I wanted to reach out in some way.

Anyway, welcome! Hope we can chat again.

Mickey M

hello

running_girl — Thu, 25 May 2017 01:54:39 GMT

Hi Teresa B,

Thanks for your supportive message. While I wouldn’t wish the pain of separation or loneliness on anyone, it’s always nice to meet someone in the same boat, if you know what I mean. Until I started looking through this forum (and other similar ones) I felt very alone in my situation – like I was fundamentally defective somehow. Thanks to people like yourself who are willing open up, I now know that I’m very much not alone in my social anxiety/loneliness paradox. It’s just that so many of us are able to put on a convincing front.

I too have a strong desire to connect with people and make genuine friendships (as opposed to more casual kinds of socialising) but, like you, find it quite scary putting myself out there. When I’m trying to summon up the courage to make the effort, I remind myself of just how depressed and humiliated I felt at the beginning of my marriage split and that nothing I do from hereon in could possibly be worse than back then. This helps me throw caution to the wind a bit and, if my social awkwardness comes shining through, I’m better able to shrug it off and keep on going 🙂

Sharing experiences online with likeminded people, which I’ve only just started doing, has already helped me so much and I hope it helps you too. Please keep in touch as I would like to hear more about you and the similar journey that we both seem to be on.

rg x

hello

running_girl — Thu, 25 May 2017 02:12:17 GMT

Dear Quercus & MickyM, thank you so much for your replies. I will respond in greater length soon but didn't want either of you to think I'd overlooked you, rg x

hello

running_girl — Thu, 25 May 2017 03:03:12 GMT

Thank you Quercus for your warm greeting. I’ve seen several of your posts on some of the other threads and your advice and support is most welcome here too.

You are right in that the only real solution is to ‘make an effort’. It helps to be reminded of this gently and often… so please, sermonise away 🙂 … because sometimes I’m too quick to rationalise my way out of making the effort, which ultimately is only to my detriment.

I started making the effort to ‘get out there’ about three months ago. Just baby steps really, but am gradually trying to extend myself. Even though it’s hard, it is getting easier and more often than not, I feel better for having made the effort to find some company. Even if I don’t wind up making a connection or I embarrass myself by making a social blunder (which is probably only perceived my me anyway), it’s better than berating myself for being too scared to change a situation that I would dearly like to get out of.

One thing’s for sure, I’ve learnt a lot from this and am learning still. If I ever enter into another relationship, I will not make the mistake of cutting off the rest of the world, no matter how tempting this might be to do.

Thank you again for your kind support and good advice. I will also be sure to check out the BB social zone.

rg x

hello

running_girl — Thu, 25 May 2017 04:15:06 GMT

Hi Mickey,

So pleased to meet you too! Thank you for taking the time to read my post and offer your advice and support. I hope I can do the same for you in turn.

I love your doctor’s expression that we “grow into our lives”. I have never heard it put like that before but it reassures me that I am constantly evolving, though it may not always feel like it. Even those times where I felt like I was spiralling downwards, I’ve always come out the other side with a bit more knowledge and compassion for having gone through the pain.

I’m sorry you suffer from anxiety and depression too. It makes what is in any case difficult – i.e., making new friends – so much harder. I know what you mean about tiring easily. For me any experience that is even remotely social needs to be counteracted with an equal proportion of sleep. Even without the social activity, I go to bed so early most nights it’s kind of embarrassing! I think you’re right in that depression is also at play here.

Thanks for the heads up about the Neighbourhood House project. I’d never heard of it and have now found their website. I will definitely keep it in mind - I always need a bit of time to let new ideas ‘settle’ in my mind so that they become less daunting and more achievable 🙂 I will certainly let you know how I go if I do join.

Most of all, thank you for reminding me that it is worth the effort to break out of my self-imposed isolation and also for making me feel less alone by sharing some of your own similar difficulties. Look forward to chatting with you again…

rg x

hello

MickeyM — Thu, 25 May 2017 10:05:51 GMT

Hi running girl

One of my favorite quotes from was from a book, "Olivia Joules and the overactive imagination". The book was written by Helen Fielding, who also wrote Bridget Jones...gives you a sense of the genre!

Anyway, in the story, Olivia was at a party or something ...a room full of strangers, and she's as nervous as anything. She is standing in a corner, trying to summon up the courage to mingle and thinks to herself (this is my favorite quote) "Nobody is thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves, just like you."

So often we worry about what other people think, without realizing that others are also wondering exactly the same thing.

I joined our local Neighborhood House when my kids were little. I went again as they were offering adult guitar class. I loved it, as it was always something I wanted to do. I can play piano, but never really took time to learn guitar. It was a lot of fun & I even took my guitar camping the next time we went and played a few 3 chord songs around the campfire (all in the same key!) But it was something I had always wanted to do.

Let us know how you get on

🙂

hello

running_girl — Tue, 30 May 2017 02:21:35 GMT

Hi again Micky M,

I love this quote. It’s so true and when I can let it sink into my over anxious mind, it really does make being around new people so much easier. It’s so funny – why do we all over-scrutinise ourselves to the point of misery? I will continue to try and break this habit.

I’ve not done anything about joining NH yet but will let you know how I get on, whatever I end up doing. Thanks again for drawing it to my attention.

Hope you are having a good week…

rg x

hello

The_Abyss — Tue, 30 May 2017 08:01:05 GMT

Hi RG - found you!

will post properly later, but wanted to tag your post so I could get back easier

hello

MickeyM — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 10:34:42 GMT

Hi running girl!

how is your week?

Mickey

hello

running_girl — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 07:01:27 GMT

Hi Mickey,

Nice to hear from you. As for my week, and thank you for asking:-), I don’t know where to start really - it's been a big one. Had a birthday – made the one year
mark at my current job and have found myself, most unexpectedly, in the beginning stages of relationship with a really lovely person. I’m both scared and happy (but more the latter). I’ve been trying my best to keep my emotions in check and keep to my routines.

Just a little over 12 months ago I was in a very bad place. I never would have thought my life would change in the ways it has.

How is your week going?

rg

hello

MickeyM — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 10:38:35 GMT

Hi. Happy birthday!🎉 🎂

Happy anniversary at your job!

and happy new relationship!

What great news, I'm happy for you. My week isn't nearly as exciting, but we're going away this weekend (camping) and I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be cold, but it will still be fun.

Chat soon

hello

The_Abyss — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 15:39:36 GMT

Hi RG -

Just wanted to pop in and say how pleased I am you had such a good week last week. How has this current week been?

How too is your training going? I think you mentioned training for a half marathon? Remind me - have you chosen a particular one to tackle? I have one more week of "impossible" and then I hope to start getting moving again. How does you new relationship fit in?

(Hello too to MickeyM. Good to see you posting again....I came across one of your threads that had been taken over quite early. I gained great insight from it).

Anyway RG, enjoy the rest of your weekend!