topic Terrified of another mistake in Welcome and orientation

Terrified of another mistake

Nigelpm — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 03:58:57 GMT

My first post..Hi everyone!..I live in a small town in regional South Australia. I am gay and don't really fit in and feel very judged..I am on anti depressants and I am drinking as well...I have lived here for 18 months and only know a couple of people. The couple of people I know-well I cant even class them as friends as I feel that they gossip about me as well.I am at a crossroads. Do I stay and create a business in the town (as I am not working) or do I just accept that I made a mistake,buy a caravan and move to Northern New South Wales which is more accepting of diversity and then put the house on the market if I like it there. I am really paralysed over what to do. In 2015 I trusted instincts and ran off and lived in France-that didnt work out either. I just cant make big decisions anymore and need guidance. I know that life is full of ups and downs wherever you go but should I be around people that are more like minded or just do something here and expect the town to accept me. There are other gay people here that do survive but to me they are plastic and seem to put on a front which helps them to survive.

Terrified of another mistake

Unbeliever — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 11:12:22 GMT

You asked, so here I am.

I don't know what it is like to live in a small rural town. But I can see why that would be tough for you in your situation.

I can relate to "not fitting in" though. I've never fit in anywhere at any point of my life. "Belonging" is something I gave up on long ago.

I can say that I don't judge you for being gay though. I can't imagine a way that I could. But unfortunately many people are judgemental over the stupidest things, for some people it is just about the only thing they are good at. Which is pretty sad if you think about it.

You did use the word "feel" to describe the gossip of a few possible friends. So can I assume that this is just an assumption? Do you have any reason to think they are gossiping about you? Maybe they're not but you think they might be because you have become used to that kind of behaviour from others in your past? They might be entirely innocent and only talk about you in normal positive ways between themselves.

You didn't say why you chose to move to a small rural town in the first place. Was there a particular reason? I'm not sure how financially invested you are in this town, but if the loss is not crippling and you are not happy there, then moving to somewhere you might feel more comfortable seems like a good idea.

Even if the place you moved to was not to your liking again, then again, as long as you have not purchased property or something it doesn't have to be a permenant decision. You could always move again, and again, and again if you wished until you find whatever it is that you are looking for. Changing location doesn't have to be the "do or die" decision you seem to feel it is.

I also made a massive location change like you on a whim. I chose a location that was damn near the opposite side of the planet from Australia (South America)... lived there for 2 years.

Like you, the experience was not perfect. I learned many unfortunate things about myself, spent every dollar to my name and returned to Australia with nothing and sadder than when I left.

There are definitely some massive life changing decisions to make in life that need serious thought, but I actually don't think this is one of them for you. Certainly not a "paralysis" one anyway. Not unless you are going to lose your life savings in the process or something.

Go, check it out. Don't like it? come back. Want to test out multiple potential locations, do it.

It is not like you are trapped in any way no matter what you decide to do.

Terrified of another mistake

blondguy — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 11:53:44 GMT

Hi Nigelpm

It took me many weeks to summon the courage to post my own thread. You are strong and good on you for posting!

I am proud to be gay-friendly. I have many gay friends that have been there for me for many years and vice versa too

Unbeliever has posted great advice above which I wont repeat all over again.

Its bad news that you are being judged on who you are.....yourself! I used to have chronic anxiety and was 'judged' continuously in my senior management roles with some well known multi nationals

I hope my response is okay and its only my humble opinion of course. I have always felt the super urgency to make a major decision too Nigelpm....and I wasnt able to make the right decision (like yourself) so I wrote a sticky note saying 'Haste Makes Waste' and stuck it on my fridge.....I guess I was just trying to be 'gentle' to myself by understand that my life wouldn't fall apart if I didnt make a decision immediately

Its only been 18 months....maybe its time to take a 'vacation' from any decision making? I see a very kind and intelligent guy that deserves the best outcome in life

Its wonderful to have you are part of the Beyond Blue forum family Nigelpm and thankyou so much for being here too! It would be great if you could post back when convenient for you 🙂

My kindest thoughts for you

Paul

Terrified of another mistake

Nigelpm — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 04:55:51 GMT

Thanks Paul for your kind words...I am intoxicated at present so any creative reply is challenging...I am grateful though for your perspective on decision making and will take good advice on taking a vacation....I really loathe decisions...I just will be instead of do....tis hard tho for humans that after all that built Rome and the 10,000 things that go with it...a fire pit,a cooking pot and community should be enough..alas, the productivity urge and creation of a better life disallows for such meaningless/meaningful existence...the latter and the former of this dichotomy gets me into such a state..

Terrified of another mistake

geoff — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 19:01:29 GMT

hello Nigel, it's sad when this happens and I'm sorry for you, however there maybe a strong possibility that if you start your own business you will invest what money you have into it, but if you don't feel welcome there then I'm not sure the business will succeed, especially if the folk are against having gay people in their town.
I also live in a country town where I know lots of gay people, of course they don't concern me and they do what they want to do and I do the same, but under any circumstances starting a new business is a gamble, because you have to build up your trade and sometimes that isn't as easy as it sounds.
You need to reflect on your France trip, whether the same is going to happen if you move away, for me I dislike moving and moving to another town frightens me so I don't do it, my son wants me to move closer to his children aged 5 and 3 but that's 2 1/2 hours away, I know in theory it would be great to be close to my g/children, but I can't take that chance, so I'll be staying put.
Even if I did move would I be happy, so this is what you need to think about, and even moving around in a caravan may make you feel better, but will this be the same in a couple of months.
I can't decide for you, but if you're not happy where you are doesn't that tell you something. Geoff.

Terrified of another mistake

Nigelpm — Sun, 15 Oct 2017 00:10:16 GMT

Thanks Geoff,other people that are gay in the town survive but they are coupled so I think that makes a difference. People often have the wrong idea of single people and think they may be up to no good. Which is not the case at all.I have limited funds but have equity redraw available which means running up more debt. Which I dont want to risk. I will just sit for a while and decide my next move. Thanks so much for your input.

Terrified of another mistake

Just Sara — Sun, 15 Oct 2017 06:03:12 GMT

Hey Nigel!

I'm sorry I haven't seen your thread before; I'm here now though and would love to contribute if that's ok. 🙂

So you're a single gay man living in a rural community with some heavy decisions to make. I'm a single bi woman living in a regional city (Pop - 40,000) but some days it can seem oh so small indeed. What can I say? Small town mentality can be a bloody 'Mary'. Ha ha...

My first question is; 'What is it you WANT to do?' Set aside options for now ok, that's where confusion starts. I have a few words on my fridge too. (thanks Paul) One refers to decision making and following an action plan. It reads...'Eat the elephant one bite at a time'

Some decisions 'are' like elephants eh?

I guess what concerns me more is your mental health state. I hope you have resources like a GP and psych's in your area. A hospital too for those "Oh, merde!" times.

I'm not one to let an obvious issue pass by and tread on eggshells as some might. It's just who I am ok. So...is sitting at home with a bunger, wine and listening to Bach and, be thinking about all these 'what if's' as well, a healthy or productive lifestyle?

It seems to me your mental state needs to be top notch prior to even contemplating such endeavours hun. Yes, you're in a stalemate situation for sure, and I'm not poo-pooing your choices either. (I love a good merlot myself) I'm concerned is all..

That brings me to the other comment on my fridge which says; "A good life's the difference between choosing what's right and what's easy"

That one's deep and really difficult to face. But it's a relevant comment none the less.

I'd love to engage with some fun and silliness to ease your darkness. Please visit our LGBTI Rainbow Café in the Social Zone section of the forum and meet some of our BB community. I'll greet you there with a smile, colourful cocktail and hors d'oeuvre's. Mmm...yum!

I'm here for you Nigel..

Sez x

Terrified of another mistake

Nigelpm — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 07:19:30 GMT

Sara....40,000!..I wish..try 1200..:( tis' pretty and quaint...but oh so tedious.... I know the Butcher,Baker,Candlestick Maker...I exchange pleasantries about the weather..too often I am afraid..People (from what I experience are not into new ideas or philosophy) but a trite sense of morbididty and resignation to their situation and when stepping out from the confines of limited conversation stretch their resignation of dissatisfaction to commenting on how they are grateful for 3 meals a day...as they look u up and down...I am sure whilst they talk about the weather they are actually calculating if their welfare check will stretch to a tank of fuel to escape their plight...the town is surrounded by hills and descends into a cold valley which emphasizes the blanket of depression...not to be to harsh their are many tourists that enter and look around at the history..circa 1850' and want to chat with you about the past..and also the cemetary has reasonably sized plots to be lowered into when the time is right...The mentality of the "blokes" around is not dissimilar from guys at high school...beer,footy,sheep talk and the wife has cooked up sumthin gd for tonight...and they have a glint in their eye with what maybe in store at home for them on a Friday night...fortunately the cemetary plots are a little short of 6'4 so there is hope that I will not have my stonemason chisel for me here...oh the torment...but yes,a good mental state is necessary prior to escape...I keep saying to myself.."Nigel it is just a house to store your furniture"...there is some catharsis in that!

Terrified of another mistake

Nigelpm — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 07:20:40 GMT

I am off to the rainbow café!

Terrified of another mistake

Nigelpm — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 08:37:39 GMT

I don't know if I want to do anything...I am too old and too disillusioned with shiny objects and fallible human connections...I DID desire a career(provided stress)....creativity(provided poverty)...human connection(provided disappointment)..good food.(provided excreting)....umm just being..well the mind then wants you to do!(programming or human nature not sure)....I think I STILL WANT a new world..but that wont happen because of England and its tangled pervasive roots that are immersed in economy and industry with an ever pervasive absence of love..(so prevalent in our culture)....WHAT DO I WANT???.. well peace and absence of existential neurosis..umm..the darkness to dissipate?..

Terrified of another mistake

Nigelpm — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 09:03:10 GMT

I wanted to write about the "Addiction Prison".. I shall try and write about it until the mosquitoes bite (ever prevalent in "depression valley".)...I ASK SINCERELY,PROFOUNDLY and with a sense of begging...is my depression internal rage?(numerous attempts on medication) to stifle,hinder my internal rage which leads me back..today I went on a 6km walk..watched a series on Netflix about the history of the Windsor's whilst adding a comfortable slumber..I then went on to re-organize my kitchen cupboards..I was invaded by excess brown onion skin which triggered me back to addiction..the brown onion skin and Leroy(my Schnauzer cross) was licking my heels..I then chose to "phone a friend" who is about to take on another mortgage of in excess of $250k..(his partner is going halves-so realistically THEY are responsible for $500k and vented how I haven't had fun since 2011..But yet they just get on with the humdrum and being further incumbered...why I chose that date is not really clear.??.but it was chosen....then I went to the smoke shop and vented how Tobacco companies have manipulated our brains...then to the pub and said I want to walk down the street sporting a 'Mankini"..whilst purchasing a toxic bottle of Sauvignon Blanc..which is just "gut rot"..but Mankinis and S/BL can work! .In short is my depression addiction?..Or is my "Rage" the underlying course.of addiction..after all if my natural mother never had sex....I wouldn't be Hooovering up Brown Onion Skin....Your Thoughts?..I know its not Leroy's fault as I have very tasty heels.)

Terrified of another mistake

Just Sara — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 12:33:57 GMT

Catharsis indeed! 😄

I know you're suffering with depression, but they were some of the best read's I've had in ages. Chuckled my little 'bi' kini's off! Ha!!!

How could one so obviously talented at making me laugh, feel so full of dark? It makes me feel helpless when I like someone whose sadness pervades their world. You see, I don't really understand depression.

I've been there a few times, once landing me in hospital. But it was the kind that made me indifferent and detached from rational thinking. Ergo, planning my death with an extensive action plan. Folder, tabs and all! (Shaking my head)

12 hrs later I fell to pieces riddled with fear and was out in 10 days. The other times I cried from sun up to sun down. Then took happy pills and returned to life. That's it; sum total of my depressive experience. I wish I had more...still helpless.

Anyway, your descriptive rhetoric expressed humourous deflection with expert precision. My observation only, not necessarily right of course. I've seen you in the depths of anger though. Well maybe not depths, more like a pothole.

Addiction to depression? Hmm...it may not be as facetious as it sounds. For me, when I had a bout of despair, I realised still there a week later, it was due to not wanting to face an impending situation. I felt trapped between fear of repercussions and acting on my own behalf. Once the light went on, (talked to Lifeline 2am) depression lifted instantly. Self entrapment? Addiction to inaction?

That's just me though. You've had yrs of it. I try to look at a baseline to assess myself. But then I know me better than anyone. I've just met you.

How can I help you?? Million $ Question... 😕

Sez x

Terrified of another mistake

Nigelpm — Tue, 17 Oct 2017 07:13:00 GMT

Anyway, your descriptive rhetoric expressed humourous deflection with expert precision."

See there you go again ...such beautiful prose...I get suckered into the beauty of Jane Austens' writing...man,could she string serious shit together...know what I'm sayin?...In Mansfield Park she would write lines perfectly executed by Embeth Davidtz (Mary Crawford) that were conveyed to Fanny Price( Frances O'Connor...Lines like "Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery.I quit such odious objects as soon as I can, impatient to restore everybody not greatly at fault themselves to tolerable comfort, and to have done with all the rest"......simply exquisite....tis' a travesty the way English is used now...As far as helping me Sara..you have loads!..you have taught me to laugh at the darkness,laughter always brings light!..today though however I have decided not to dwell on my situation but be proactive about getting out..I am staring an affiliate marketing biz online so I can live anywhere with an income from my laptop...fingers xx

Terrified of another mistake

Just Sara — Wed, 18 Oct 2017 03:57:13 GMT

“I dearly love a laugh... I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good. Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can.” - Pride and Prejudice

Your tone and perfectly chosen phrases moved me Nigel. I smiled broadly with relief and admiration at your resolve and changed (default) expression. I laugh, therefore I am. 🙂 Yes, it's the best medicine and an enjoyable pastime ta boot!

And I agree; darkness is thus 'only' because of the absence of light; therefore a shadow can still contain grace.

I hear the term; 'A shadow of my former self' often on here. Grace comes in many forms and recognising it can be difficult. Your words fill me with grace and comfort, because it's my aim to guide people out of their darkness. Some respond like yourself, and some do not.

In essence...thankyou for helping me feel valuable.

I'm so very proud of you and your new found endeavours. You have your sights on the horizon which has provided grace; an answer to your dilemma. Online opportunities are abundant and can be extremely successful.

Please keep me in the loop as I can't wait for the next instalment of your journey. And I'm not just blowing my own horn! Ah ha ha..(if only!)

I'm still here...still smiling...still forging

Sez x

Terrified of another mistake

Just Sara — Thu, 19 Oct 2017 22:42:32 GMT

Hi Nigel;

Just bumping your thread up so I don't lose it among inactive threads.

I do hope your absence is full of productivity and wonder. 🙂 My world's moving slowly which suits my desire for calm and peace. I don't suffer anxiety/depression as I used to; thank the heavens.

It'd be lovely to catch up my friend. Sending well wishes and loads of encouragement your way...

Warm thoughts;

Sez

Terrified of another mistake

blondguy — Fri, 20 Oct 2017 12:39:52 GMT

Hi Nigel

Its great that Sara and Geoff have jumped in with their TLC 🙂

If you are having a lazy night and want to have a vent you are more than welcome to do so 🙂 There are many gentle people that can be here for you.

I just read what you mentioned "today though however I have decided not to dwell on my situation but be proactive about getting out..I am starting an affiliate marketing biz online so I can live anywhere with an income from my laptop"

I just think you are amazing Nigel and we are happy to be here for you if you need us 🙂

My Kindest for you

Paul