topic New to BB :) in Welcome and orientation

New to BB :)

Faithh — Sun, 12 Feb 2017 02:51:03 GMT

Hi all,

I've had anxiety on and off but have been generally pretty good at controlling it with the usual meditation and keeping active. However since losing my job late oct 2016, I tried to act strong and then it just went spiralling out of control from there.

Instantly I seeked help because I got so scared. So I see a therapist often - which helps a lot in making me feel "normal" and also check in with a GP... also another reassurance method that I need.

Before Xmas I was feeling up and positive and looking forward to getting on with life, then after Christmas I kind of relapsed. I went to my Dr feeling scared (a common thread I'm noticing with myself!) and as it usually hits hard around ovulation he prescribed me an SSRI ... I haven't really used these before, so i held hope and thought, who knows it could make me feel stronger... after 3 days, I felt the worst I had ever felt in my life and it has traumatised me. I stopped taking it after the 6th day (under the Drs guidance) as I knew it wasn't right. It's almost been two weeks and although the Drs reassurance has calmed me and made me feel good for the following week or so, after I brought it all up with my therapist a few days ago, it has made me feel crap again. Horrible side effects like dissociation had left me feeling so fragile, and the memory and feeling has lft me scared deep down. I know its a matter of time, however, I just feel like i need support and like minded people who have been through similar experiences to help me know it will be ok and that I'm not alone.

Apart from all this I'm generally so grateful for everything, but this situation has got me really low and am finding it hard at times to be completely full of faith and hope.

Thanks for listening guys xxx

Faithh

New to BB :)

Rose88 — Sun, 12 Feb 2017 08:09:22 GMT

Hi Faithh,

I have experienced disassociation and it's just scary and awful. Just know that it is possible to heal from these dark places if you keep fighting and sometimes fighting is just getting out of bed the next day.

I find that exercise helps me (like walking or swimming)

All the best

New to BB :)

MarkJT — Sun, 12 Feb 2017 08:58:58 GMT

Faithh, dissociation is a horrible horrible place to be. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety four years ago and some of the symptoms that i had was anxiety and dissociation. I hated it, the feeling of being numb, Yuk.

I can certainly tell you that you are not alone. Just spend a little bit of time looking around the threads of this forum and you will see that very clearly.

It is very comforting to see that you are in constant touch with your psych and GP, a very very important part of recovery from mental health matters. Keep that going!

Meds are a funny thing. The first batch that i tried completely destroyed me, a horrible experience but the second was fine and I remain on these to this day. The side effects differ greatly and the ones that I am on now only made me tired and fatigued for about 8 weeks, which wasn't ideal but i'd rather that than some of the other side effects that i had with the first batch.

Do you practice mindfulness? I use it heaps to keep me grounded when feeling anxious. It takes practice to get to a good level so persist at it and Rose is spot on above, exercise, see if you can get some done. Walk, swim, run, ride...what ever it is, just get some done.

Please feel free to pose what ever question you want and we will do our best to answer.

Great to have you in the forums and I hope you have a really good experience.

Mark.

New to BB :)

Faithh — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 02:13:09 GMT

Hi Rose88,

Thanks for your words. Ive been trying to keep up walking and yoga when I can 🙂

New to BB :)

Faithh — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 02:17:04 GMT

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.
Thats how Im feeling - i feel as though the meds i tried have destroyed me. The feelings I experienced were horrifying that i think I almost have PTSD from that alone. Feeling very empty and this is a horrible feeling that sometimes feels like it wont end for me as I am usually someone that sees beauty in everything...

It feels good to know that I have your support,

Thank you so much

New to BB :)

MarkJT — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 07:48:05 GMT

Faithh, love the avatar - that would be the so relaxing!

I remember when i was dissociating and thinking that this is going to be me for the rest of my life, i saw no end to it but you will come out of it. You are trying to keep up the walking and the yoga and don't underestimate how good that is what you are doing. The easiest choice to make is to not go and shut yourself out from the world but you are choosing not to do that. If you don't get it done one day, not ideal, but don't stress over it. You will get it done the next day.

You will find that you will start to have more good days than bad and exercising will be more days than not. It is about building the habit. Once you have done that, you do it as a matter of course.

I once had no feelings, no self esteem, no ego and no future...i now have all of these. You can get back to these feelings. Just keep on getting that exercise in, get the yoga done, eat good food and keep going to the psych. The journey is a marathon, not a sprint.

Mark.

New to BB :)

Faithh — Tue, 14 Feb 2017 04:39:37 GMT

Hi Mark,

Thank you again - your words of encouragement are valuable more than you know!

I had a session today with my therapist and we figured out a good schedule to help me along the way. It was a great session. I also went to the gym with my sister to do a weights class this morning (Ha! first time ever with a circuit! I laugh because I'm like a long bean!) and that felt good too - something that my therapist also recommended I keep up (light weight training)

Something valuable she said was that I need to schedule motivation and that it's not something that I can wait for. That is something I've been struggling with. I know I can only help myself (along with the support of others, yourself included)

I'm happy that you have everything back that you once lacked - it gives me a lot of hope 🙂

Faithh

New to BB :)

MarkJT — Tue, 14 Feb 2017 09:38:19 GMT

Faithh, so much awesomeness coming out of your post!

Love how you went to the gym and physical exercise is just so good for you. The feeling of physical exertion is brilliant and I have found it very addictive. Love the feeling. Makes you feel alive.

Great that you had a good session with the therapist. I have walked out of some sessions feeling like i was floating they were that good. Not to put a dampener on it, but you may walk out of one not feeling so good but this is the time to reinforce to yourself that you are still tracking the right way, i.e. upwards. Continue on with the treatment and the next session will be better. (hopefully they are all really good!!).

Scheduling motivation - schedule your gym sessions, schedule a walk, schedule a run, schedule a swim, schedule a phone call to an old friend, schedule anything to get your brain and/or body moving and working. There is your motivation.

Mark.

New to BB :)

Faithh — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 08:40:36 GMT

Hi Mark,

Another great response from you - thank you!

Although I am taking this marathon one day at a time and feel like I would wake up tomorrow totally myself again, I am trusting that the work Im doing will benefit and heal me.

Had a few moments today where I'd catch myself remembering/thinking too hardly about that dissociative unreal feeling... in turn, felt that way, which of course makes me scared, but I try to distract myself to something physical and less emotional so that I don't go down the road of what ifs!

I have a supportive partner and family. My partner is beyond supportive, but of course I get worried that what Im going through will putting so much stress on us. Sigh - just had to vent that.

Thanks for listening 🙂

Faithh

New to BB :)

MarkJT — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 04:34:06 GMT

Faithh, trust the process, love to hear that. It is about building ourselves back up to where we once were. You cannot hurry this, step by step. It is like a building, if you do not build the foundation correctly, the building will not be resilient but if your foundation is built well, it will withstand the times.

Continue to do what you are doing!

We all have times that trouble us, worry us and hurt us but as you build your resilience, these will be few and far between and you will bounce back quickly.

Take yesterday for instance, woke up somewhat wobbly and not in a good mood. My depression punched through the meds a bit so spent the morning in the car (as a passenger) looking at the awesome cloud formations and the sun splashing across the farms and country. Felt good after that. Bounced back pretty quickly and effectively.

Love that you have the support you do, awesome as support is just so critical.

I do not see your post as a vent, i see it as you talking about your day on a forum that was designed for doing just that. Well done.

Mark.

New to BB :)

Faithh — Thu, 16 Feb 2017 06:10:15 GMT

Hi Mark.

You are wonderful - thank you.

I am keeping the trust in the physical exercise and daily schedule - I always feel better after a workout... so I'm trying to focus on that.

When I have my moments of clarity I'm trying to write them down or just try to really believe it to remind myself that it will be ok.

That feeling of "what is life" "how do we even exist" freak me out at times... not as often as before... but I'm just holding hope that, that too will soon become a distant memory (or erased!) This is the feeling in particular that is making me feel most iscolated/uncomfortable/panicked/disconnected from reality, but ive returned to this thread and re-read a couple of your responses which help even just a little bit to make me feel more real. If you have any more views/comments on this in particular I would be so grateful to hear.

I'm happy that your wobbly morning turned into a beautiful afternoon. I look forward to those days where I will start to see beauty in all of the simple things like I used to. I too grew up on a big property so not appreciating it like I used to leaves me disheartened.

Thanks Mark

New to BB :)

MarkJT — Fri, 17 Feb 2017 02:36:11 GMT

Faithh, you can flip that anxiety triggering thought of "what is life" and "how do we even exist" around into a positive.

Think about it, how incredible is it that we have evolved from being cavemen and women to being able to put a space probe onto a comet in way way way outer space, or how the Egyptians build the pyramids, or how your phone has more technology in it that the space program that put man on the moon. This is life, this is working out what we can achieve and what we have already achieved.

Then we can think about how we exist. Here we are on a huge chuck of dirt and rock hurtling through space surrounded by a protective bubble that shields us from deadly sun rays and space matter. Then there is the food we eat, how it grows and how it gets to us, the water we drink....just think of the logistics behind even turning on the tap to get good clean drinking water. Something that we all take so much for granted but show little appreciation for. I took up a piece of advice i got a while back to show gratitude more often and think of the things that we are grateful for but don't think it.

Every night I think of three things that I was grateful for that day. So far today it is the fruit and yogurt that i had for brekky. Was soooooo nice so thank you to the people that allowed me to have that by growing the fruit, by picking the fruit, by packaging and transporting the fruit and the people who made the yogurt. Seems such an easy thing to do and it is so effective. I have now found myself not wanting to extend my house ASAP, it will happen one day because I am very content with what i have got, unlike so many others who do not have a roof over their heads. My gratitude is very much everywhere now. I'm very appreciative for what i have.

Yes we can easily freak out at these questions but ask yourself a few of the questions. What defines you? What drives you? What do you want to achieve?

Here is an exercise for you. I want you to think of someone who had a major impact on your life. I want you to send an email or a message to that person and thank them for doing what ever they did with you. We have so many people who shape who we are and we don't thank them for it. I have done this a few times and it feels good. Not expecting anything in return, that is the key, you are simply saying "thanks".

A pretty heavy post this but this is the topics that make me realise that i am alive, not just surviving but living.

Mark.

New to BB :)

Faithh — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 20:53:56 GMT

Hi Mark,

Apologies for the late response - we've had an emergency in the family, but all is calming down now.

Thank you for your reply, it wasn't a heavy post at all - it is all relevant. Thank you for sharing the exercise! I have been doing a lot more physical things rather than just sitting and thinking about it. It takes a bit of mental effort at times but Im doing my best to keep doing. I keep getting frustrated and upset by the process of healing... some days are better than others... 😕

This recent emergency in the family has shaken me, and of course as much as I'm sad about it I cant help but go inward and think - "oh no what if that happens to me/is happening to me too" "what if my brain just stops working" Sounds very silly when I read it back, so silly, but its just how Ive been feeling! (the family emergency was a neurological thing) So of course I freak out. I might go see my therapist tomorrow for some reassurance and comfort earlier than scheduled! 🙂

Faithh

New to BB :)

MarkJT — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 00:21:52 GMT

Faithh, zero requirement for the apology. You post when you can or need to, no rush on it at all.

One of my biggest fears is relapsing when i am a lot older and in my early days of recovery, this was almost crippling and holding back my recovery. I learnt to control that thought by telling myself that if i do everything right now, it is most likely that i will not relapse. The point of this is that we cannot live with "what if's". As hard as it can be, if you do it can become overbearing. So you do what is right now and in the future, i.e. exercise, eat well, ideally remove alcohol but limit it and do you mindfulness/yoga etc, you should be right.

Emergencies within the family are the wild card though. As much as we are working on our own positive mental health, an emergency will throw it all out the window real quick, however, the more coping mechanisms that you learnt to control your own anxieties, the better off you will be able to handle emergencies external to you. The same principles apply.

You are doing really well - keep it going!!

Mark.

New to BB :)

Faithh — Fri, 10 Mar 2017 08:10:22 GMT

Hi friends,

Hope you're all well!

Thought I'd re-post in here, as I've been told to keep my posts to one thread... !

Just checking in to get some support! I've been having a so-so afternoon with just that off/weird feeling. Sometimes I don't know if its pre-menstrual symptoms or my anxiety! (Sorry guys! haha)

One thing which is so bizarre, but creates a little fear is "oh no what if i lose my memory, what if I just stop knowing how to do things!" ahh what ifs love me...!! Has anyone had similar thoughts? I've kinda been here before a long time ago, where I remember every step was a struggle, but the more I did it the more I fought it. (I was also taking a small amount of AD then though) I am functioning and active, however in the back of my mind, there is a road block! I often jump to the worst case scenarios too when i feel like this... Thinking i must have a horrible disease and that its not just anxiety and mild depression! *frustrated/sad smiley*

Any happy, comforting thoughts welcome! 🙂

xFaithh

New to BB :)

Faithh — Sun, 26 Mar 2017 21:15:46 GMT

Hi friends,Hope you're all well!

Thought I'd re-post in here, as I've been told to keep my posts to one thread... ! Just checking in to get some support! I've been having a so-so afternoon with just that off/weird feeling. Sometimes I don't know if its pre-menstrual symptoms or my anxiety! (Sorry guys! haha)

One thing which is fear is "oh no what if i lose my memory, what if I just stop knowing how to do things!" ahh what ifs love me...!! Has anyone had similar thoughts? I've kinda been here before a long time ago, where I remember every step was a struggle, but the more I did it the more I fought it. (I was also taking a small amount of AD then though) I am functioning and active, however in the back of my mind, there is a road block! I often jump to the worst case scenarios too when i feel like this... Thinking i must have a horrible disease and that its not just anxiety and mild depression! *frustrated/sad smiley*

I'm also unable to see my therapist at the moment due to still not having found any work hence I cannot afford the sessions - so i havent seen her for almost a month, which upsets me.

Any happy, comforting thoughts welcome! 🙂

xFaithh

New to BB :)

MarkJT — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 00:32:59 GMT

Faith, the "what if's" in life can certainly cripple us if we do not get on top of them. I guess the best way i can put this is that in my earlier days of recovery i was very much, "What if i relapse when i am 60 or so. Will i have the strength to recover again?".

I discussed this with my psych and he asked me why i thought i would relapse. I didn't have an answer. It was just a "what if".

One of the major drivers for me to stay healthy, keep my diet good, drink plenty of water and green tea, continue to not drink alcohol and to keep on exercising is that if i do all of these things right, then i am giving myself the absolute best chance of not relapsing and therefore the removing the "what if".

You remembering every struggle, to me that is a good thing. I remember the really dark days that i was in and that is what continually drives me to do the things i need to do to stay healthy.

There is nothing to say that you are going to lose your memory or knowing how to do things. Yes your memory may fade in time if you do not do the things that you should be doing but that goes for everyone on earth. If you do not practice the things you want to do, the skills will fade.

Just slow down and remind yourself of the things you have to do and do them and remind yourself that should you do the "what if's" fade themselves.

Mark.