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Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sat, 19 Nov 2016 23:11:31 GMT

Hi all

I write with some trepidation - after being diagnosed with depression almost 20 years ago and managed on one med with CBT very well, I recently have had a new major episode which has been absolutely crippling. On to my attempt at a 6th medication, with counselling and a fabulous GP, I have no faith in the psychiatrist who has seen me twice now. Main problem is sleep - averaging 4-5 hours a night. I react to almost every med I am put on and worst of all, I have felt my psychiatrist is not listening - saw him three days ago, gave me this new med and said It will be fine...see you in two months time. Do I look for another psychiatrist?

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

MarkJT — Sat, 19 Nov 2016 23:25:11 GMT

Shred, welcome to the forums and well done for reaching out seeking answers, that's what the forums are for.

Yes absolutely seek out a new psych. They are a service to you and if you are not happy with the service, you replace it. Personally I find it disrespectful if a psych treats you like that.

Did your GP recommend that psych? Appears that you certainly get on well with your GP so perhaps discuss with them your feelings towards the psych and if they can recommend someone else.

Let us know how you go.

Cheers

Mark.

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sat, 19 Nov 2016 23:58:01 GMT

Thanks Mark - my GP did not recommend this psych but another in the same practice, but they are away for a couple of months and I needed med advice urgently so I ended up with this one. It is so hard to make sense of even the simplest of thoughts just now, so your point is most helpful.I have very small expectations of this new med because of prior experiences over the last few months with five others. My greatest hope is to be able to smell and enjoy the flowers again.

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Cornstarch — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 00:48:00 GMT

Personally I would go elsewhere.

That's just me.

You said you're last episode was 'crippling', anyone that does not want to see me once a week when I am crippled I don't want to pay $450 p/hr to see.

Easy to say that, extremely difficult to do, because shopping around for psychiatrists is not easy or quick, and coming up to Christmas/New Year you may find yourself in a pickle.

Like anything great the bests ones books are closed, unless you present as an extreme example of A,B or C and they'd like to 'study' you, or they feel sorry for you, they may open their books and let you slip in if you're lucky.

You will be restricted geographically as well, there are only so many psychiatrists to chose from. I steered clear of some simply by word of mouth. Once I hear the same anecdotes from clinical psychologists or mental health workers that are exasperated that every person that sees Dr X comes out as Bipolar II that is a red flag to me.

I need life long help so I expect someone to therefore want to get to know my life.

I was super sensitive to meds as well, it was hell being a chem lab. When I was in hospital I think I was one of only about 5 people in my ward that were not having ECT for the very reason you have described, they have treatment resistant depression. One beautiful older Dad has battled depression for years and years and years and just in this year alone has tried 6 different meds. A lovely young women had tried 15 in the last couple of years!

Lack of sleep is a major problem and so frustrating. I really struggle with it. The medical establishment is trying to cut back on prescribing sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds and often now opt for anti-psychotics to aid sleep. 2 months is just simply too long to find out if your current meds will help with sleep, I'm quite surprised he/she said that.

Is there a chance that in your appointments you 'present' very well, and the severity of your symptoms are overlooked because you seem capable and on top of things?

If you are someone that presents very well they may of ticked you off as not needing thorough monitoring to free up appointments for other people in need. This is where communication is really important and even if we are ashamed we have to disclose how lousy we truly have been. Maybe think about today how you come across in your appointments.

I know this doesn't really help you but good luck

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

MarkJT — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 01:03:00 GMT

Shred, i was once like you with nothing making sense and not being able to smell the flowers. I also saw no future, had no resilience, no self confidence and was a shell of my former self. I am now going really well. I see my future a lot better but not fully, i and building my self confidence and resilience back up and can again, smell the flowers.

The point being is that you can recover. This is a marathon mate, not a sprint. As frustrating as it can be, stick to the course. We will help support you through this process.

Stay safe mate.

Mark.

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 02:58:35 GMT

Thanks Cornstarch - yes, the chemical hell is not fun at all.You may well be right about my presentation, and this crippling episode has been going for some months now but I come from a family who never ever discussed feelings before and often was abused for allowing others to know what I am feeling so it's doubly hard. Geographically it's difficult too, because I work in the health industry and need to travel to see someone who does not know me or know of me.

I am that bloody tired of it all - and it doesn't help one bit.

Might talk this over with my GP when I see them late this week.

Thanks for being there!

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 02:59:47 GMT

It feels like a never ending marathon...that's all.

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Cornstarch — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 04:10:35 GMT

My family was the same.

Emotionally, they are like something out of Anne of Green Gables, Little Women or some other Jane Austen rigid, frigid white potato pie.

I'm a realist. It's imperative some people have privacy. You just can't disclose in some circumstances.

Some shrinks will let you Skype them if you want to try further afar? It's a nightmare navigating the health system. It makes me angry.

If you're in the health industry you may very well present much better than you're feeling. You know first hand how to act with health stuff, and your knowledge may be misinterpreted as being at a better place than you actually are.

Probably a little bit of pride too. Health professionals are notorious for being proud and impatient patients.

Ask Siri what to do, she'll know.

Ciao

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 04:48:49 GMT

Thanks Cornstarch..

I shall have to wait to talk to my GP I think. One of the most difficult things in being in this black hole is grabbing onto a rock or edge or something to stop myself from falling further. I was quite high up in the health industry too and well known locally....but haven't been able to work for over three months now. Sifting through the "stuff" is really an uphill battle.

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Cornstarch — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 05:02:31 GMT

I'm so sorry Shred.

I'm not successful but I like to work. That's how we stay connected.

I was only on a non-ongoing contract at work and Malcolm Turnbull has slashed the budget in our section, so redundancies galore and no permanency anywhere for me, bye bye see ya later. I am out of work and I had a nervous breakdown this year so my confidence is really low.

That's my problem though.

If you're a known person in a pretty small community privacy must be so hard! Must drive you mental. Can't a guy/girl just have a spack out without a judgmental audience.

I hope you have a warm body to cling to.

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 06:43:41 GMT

Hi Cornstarch

I have a couple of fabulous fur babies who are always there for me. I am convinced that's why I am still here.Although I have some family close by they are a part of the bigger picture and do not respect my space or situation at all. I wouldn't say I am successful at all,rather just fell into a specialty that not many in my area practice.

I fear going out and running into people and I know that there are a few social events that will be coming up in the next few weeks - but I dread the invites. I do go out, but always now become quite anxious about it. For the first time in my life I also have panic attacks now.Am working with my psychologist to put some strategies together...

I'm sorry you were made redundant and have had to go through this "hell".

I fear I will be put in the bin too with work, due to my absence.It seems that those in health have completely lost the art of caring for their workmates.

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Cornstarch — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 07:13:23 GMT

Thanks Shredder, it's not your fault, it's my problem.

2016 has been one of 'those' years again. I just want it to be over. In some starry eyed, juvenile, childish way I have convinced myself by seeing a '7' at the end I will obliterate this year from my memory. Ludicrous desperation I suppose.

I don't have any fur babies, not that I don't want them. Pets are the best.

It sounds like you're experiencing a bit of social anxiety. I HATE this about mental health. It chips you're confidence. I'm not usually like that, I want to meet new people, but my self worth has taken a knock this year and I'm feeling the same way.

I'm so sorry you are having panic attacks. I swear to god if you're a women/girl that our sex hormones play a role. Bedroom science I know, but I have had a LOT and I always always always feel one coming up at certain times in my cycle. I know my hormones are all over the shop. Chronic stress tends to do that to our biology. Funny that.

I guess the up side with your role if not many people practice it, means hopefully this increases your chances of not being put in the bin? Fingers crossed.

I sucks with your fam. Navigating family and mental health can be as, or more stressful, than navigating the health system. When I was in hospital my doctor was great at getting across to me in my pathetic state how it must feel to be my family. I think it's not until we're hospitalised or have a nervous breakdown that they realise, "Oh shivers, she's like really, actually, like not coping, this thing is real. What do we do". As well as "Oh s*it it has actually happened to her, we cannot deny what has happened any longer".

And they feel powerless. I understand that.

I think my family wanted the courageous, survivor story and it came crashing down right about then. Whoops. Sorry guys. I can't deliver on it. Apologises Hollywood and Simon & Schuster.

I hope the silly season isn't too stressful for you.

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 07:27:40 GMT

That's the thing Cornstarch - it's a problem for a whole lot of us...not just you and me. An "episode" such as what you and I have and are experiencing completely sucks the life out of us. I am also facing a few weeks OS with some of the fam over the festive season and I hope I can alleviate some of this crap by getting away. A couple of dear friends who know what is going on for me are really worried. I can't even get excited about it - I am just taking a day at a time just now. Around this season is also an anniversary for the fam...and that adds to it all.

Still I could go on...sorry about that...

Hope the New Year brings a better one for you...

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 07:29:08 GMT

Oh, and you are courageous..

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Cornstarch — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 07:52:53 GMT

Thanks Shredder, you're courageous too, even though it doesn't feel it right now. Your name reminds me of my favourite Transformer. I loved him. His little plastic hands were so awesome. And that geometric face of his! What a great guy. I so wanted to sex change into him, or 'Transform' I should say!

Oh man. 'Anniversary's. They suck. As if you need anything else right now.

I suppose if I was you I would be anxious if I wasn't well in a foreign country where the hell would I go. Do I fly home? What do you do? But that said, the feeling of actually getting up, and physically removing yourself geographically from memory recall and triggering people and places can be extremely therapeutic.

Sounds like you have had a tough year with lots of 'crap', but that the details have been reserved for a special few close friends. The most nurturing thing in your artillery against this dastardly thing is comforting relationships. I'm so glad you have a family to go away with.

Lets face it, your Christmas & New Year won't be perfect. Probably tears of frustrated relief the year is over coupled with anxious anticipation that your depression improves. I truly hope it does.

Social anxiety is pooey. I hate it. It doesn't sound like you can't get out of those social invites. Yikes! It's so exhausting pretending to be well. A women from my past has contacted me today and she has flared up my anxiety. She reminds me of my 'character flawed moment in time' and I'm being flooded with memories I'd rather forget. She doesn't know what's happened to me this year and the shame just surges at the thought of telling another person about my fateful demise. Oh joy.

Shredder, be it paper, snow or water that you shred you are awesome!

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 19:44:59 GMT

Hey Cornstarch

I have decided this morning to try and put some colour in the world outside. Now that's a big thing for me right now.But, I managed a slightly better sleep last night.I actually heard the birds singing for the fist times in ages as the darkness broke into today.

Yeah it's crap feeling like we have to explain what's been going on for us to others who were a part of our past.I just try very hard though to remember that each of us has a slightly different road we are travelling and if I don't have to explain - major bonus! Of course, keep in mind that your redundancy was not of your doing..and hey that's not easy but I've been there.

I think sometimes that the saying "Much memory, or memory of many things is called experience" helps me because although our memories are different our exposure and feelings are just that our own and they shape us in some way. Those who truly matter will take the time to really listen and just be there.Being there is a huge part of it.

I had an old school buddy arrive the other day - Just passing through they said.Yeah sure it was a remote possibility but, wouldn't you know it...I did kinda spill my guts and they just listened. Whoa, I thought to myself at the time.But then I have decided that they stopped at mine for a reason....and maybe that was to listen.Our past can be a bugbear big time - but occasionally it can be a good thing. I think you were brave to even hear her out. Maybe this lady and you crossed paths again for a reason...?

Perhaps look at it this way and it might help just a wee bit.We don't have to spill all, and sometimes it can be quite useful.

Keep strong - and, thanks for your ability to listen ...it is a gift

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Cornstarch — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 04:54:03 GMT

I'm glad you got a little more sleep last night Shred. I'm an early riser too. Always have been, ! get so jealous of people that can physically sleep in.

It sounds like you have a lot of beautiful animals and wildlife around you. That would be very therapeutic, I feel like I am in a concrete jungle looking at bricks, actually I am!

It is really nice just knowing someone will be supportive, and your school friend dropping in turned out to be a positive thing. The must have been worried and concerned about you. I guess when we disappear for a couple of months people wonder what the hell happened!

I agree that we don't have to spill it all by telling every Tom Dick and Harry what my health issues are. Sometimes it is a waste of breath anyway because until you've lived it you can't know.

If you're shredding paper I'll have a little crane,

If you're shredding snow watch out for the tree

And if you're shredding water watch out for the shark!

Corn-dog

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 05:05:08 GMT

Oh Cornstarch - you make me laugh! (and that's a rare thing right now)

Thanks

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Shred1106 — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 05:42:10 GMT

Oh Cornstarch

You are sooo right saying that unless you've lived it you don't know - so hard to explain to genuine friends who want to help hey!

Newbie to Forums but been fighting depression for most of my life

Ellu — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 05:46:56 GMT

Dear Shred1106,

YES!! YES!! Look for another psychiatrist. What you need to support you in your journey is a psychiatrist with empathy who listens to you and lets you be a partner in your treatment. Not all psychiatrists are as good as others - I happen to have been with one guy for 20 years, and he is absolutely fantastic. He even gave me his mobile phone number so I can contact him in an emergency. Well my FIRST psychiatrist was a real dud. He seemed to flounder around as if he didn't know what he was doing, and I made no progress under him at all. As you describe, just an endless chain of medications with no follow-up.

Ask around, look at the "find a professional" site at the bottom of this page, or go back to your GP for another referral. You really need the support of someone you can trust to look after you, and as awkward as it seems changing psychiatrists sounds like a good idea.

Ellu