Living with IT

BlackOnBlack — Wed, 02 Nov 2016 03:58:39 GMT

I've been like this for a long as I can remember, which pretty much means I've always been like this.

Most of the time it didn't have a proper name. People (including my parents) would often say that I was shy or not feeling well. Teachers called me lazy and even stupid! I hated school, and performed abissimally at it, which made me feel even worse.

My mother had it too. I think it was common amongst stay-at-home mums with little kids. Back then they called it meloncholy, or bad nerves and the treatment was "a Bex and a lie down". The Bex didn't seem to do mum much good, so she supplimented it with scotch and cigarettes.

Travelling through life with it hasn't been great. It stopped me from enjoying myself. It stopped me from taking risks (even small ones). It made me scared of the world. It kept trying to hurt and even kill me by making me feel bad about myself, and even worse, by making me believe what others said about me.

Even as an adult it followed me, never letting me forget it was there to make me miserable, to make me fail, to make me ill. And still it didn't have a name.

After I lost me job I had a lot of time alone - time to think. Things got bad. Really bad. My head ws increasingly being filled with bad thoughts. Negative thoughts that brought me to my knees. I couldn't go outside. I couldn't function.

I ended up in a hospital where they treat mood disorders. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression with a side order of PTSD from being mercilessly bullied at school. At least now it had a name.

That was two years ago. Since then I've seen psychiatrists and therapists, tried a number of drugs - some of which made me (a bit) beter and others that made me a lot worse. I've had uncontrollable shaking, drowniess and some unbearable headaches - all in the name of find the right meds.

Things are a little better now. I am now on meds that help me to feel OK most of the time. Not great, but OK. I also regularly see a pschiatrist. Our little talks definately help.

I have good days, and I have bad days. But, most importantly I am trying to look forward to a time when I can control it, instead of it controlling me.

You've probably heard this all before (and possibly felt it too).

I hope I didn't bore you to much 🙂

Living with IT

Zeal — Wed, 02 Nov 2016 06:05:21 GMT

Hi BlackOnBlack,

Welcome to the forum!

You definitely didn't bore me 🙂 I enjoy reading people's stories, especially when they take the time to explain their situation, like you did. It's rough that you went through years of not knowing why you felt the way you did, and were criticised for it. I was a child who got more worried than was typical, though OCD/anxiety is what has affected me most. I've had OCD for 10 years now, since I was 13. It sounds as though you went through decades before receiving your diagnoses - that's a long time to be suffering in silence. So I am really glad that you have been having professional help since you were diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. Seeing your psychiatrist regularly is great. You seem to be in a better head space. Being okay most of the time is certainly an improvement, and I hope you will feel good most of the time in due course.

I'd like to direct you to some reliable online resources, that can be used in conjunction to seeing your psychiatrist. Perhaps save them to your computer favourites, and refer to them when you need to.

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=37

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

These could be useful later on down the track, if you feel you need to improve your self-esteem and so on:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47

It would be great to hear back from you.

Best wishes,

Zeal

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Living with IT

Living with IT